At the height of my self-sufficiency personality, I inevitably run into a problem. I need outside influences to inspire me. And, yes, that is ironic, isn't it? Considering one of my principle dislikes in this world is feeling as if someone else is influencing my decisions. Influence and inspiration seem to be really hard to control. I can actually explain exactly where this phobia of mine started, and, of course, it was way back in my childhood. I used to have friends (no, really!) and the one thing that stands out in my memory when I think of spending any time with them was that my mother would always say they made me act like someone else. You know, someone else bad. Apparently. I don't know if that was completely true (hard to be objective) or if it was her own fear of bad influences upon me (and, yes, believe me, I see her point because I'm exactly the same way when it comes to my brothers' and niece's friends now). After all, we are different people depending on who we are with. Like I said, it's ironic that I need people to bring out different and interesting things in me. I'm idealistic, sure, but I will face up to the fact that if I were never around people, I would be a perfectly content but dull and possibly unfullfilled person, laying around writing a philosophical treatise in my online diary every day.
It's one of those things nobody really understands- that you never know what kind of reaction you yourself will have to certain people. You don't know what will bring it out, and not only is the person a huge variable, but whatever the situation is at the time makes a difference, because obviously even the smallest action or reaction, seen in another person, can trigger a different response in yourself at different times or in different moods... or, with different people. Not quite an exact science. That's where all the talk about a "spark" comes in, you know? Chemistry between two people. There's "chemistry" (of some sort) between everybody, even though we really only hear about it when it comes to love. True friendships take as much chemistry as romantic relationships, and love is usually involved in both. What makes the difference when it comes to picking or recognizing what "spark" with another person means romantic love? There's really no getting around the fact that the sex of the person has to have something to do with it. Unconsciously or not, when a member of one sex meets a member of another, there is an instant opportunity presented. Not so with two members of the same sex (at least not in the natural way): there's the potential for friendship (no matter whether the next second nullifies it), but nothing more.
(Of course, a lot of people in this day and age would like to take even that reassurance away. If society was completly open to sexual or romantic love between people of the same sex as well as opposite, friendship could really start to become rare. And some people don't think bisexuality exists? It wouldn't take that much to convince people who are looking for love -romantic love, since that's the favored brand these days- anywhere they can find it.)
And how can we keep from getting into trouble, seeing how we have these opportunities, and sometimes we just want to grab for something? Well, that's where a whole other issue with getting your needs fulfilled from God inside you comes in. Of course, if people did that, a whole lot of problems would be solved before chemistry ever became such an issue, now wouldn't they.
So there.
8/9/02 - taken directly from my online diary 8/24/02
Flamez moi