Date: Saturday, July 30, 2005
Time: 4:11pm EST
Current Conditions: Thunder , 84° (feels like 89°)
Music: Jimi Hendrix (Red House) aka City of Angels Soundtrack
Mood: A little on the overly happy side...

Got company, Rob, again this weekend. I didn't really stay up late last night though. It's pouring down rain right now, real bad thunder and lightening, but it's all good. I'm talking to Lil' Sei-Rah right now. That's what I'm going to start calling her. I"m also attempting to drink some cheap imitation crap. I didn't want to make a pot of coffee for some reason, but I think I'm about to. I've got a craving for it. I haven't had any like all week I believe or close to it.

I was able to almost finish reading Harry Potter: The Goblet of Fire this week thanks to slow flow post offices. I talked to Climmie today and told her I went and took my test, she was happy for me. I'm still waiting for her to get her own post office so she can pull me in. She had best pull me in.

Anyways, Vida's party is tonight. If it stays nasty, we might not go. She'd get so pissed. I really should go. I want to go. I don't have too much to say right now. My cable modem has been messing up for the past several days. I'm not sure what's wrong with it but it hasn't been working just the same. I was asking Rob if it was hot in outer space. He said and I'm not quoting either but something to the effect of it's nothing, something like that. He explained it more thoroughly than I so I'm not going there.

I uploaded the pictures that were taken while I was in Alabama but there isn't a one picture of Tasha and I, which totally sucks. I was hoping to get lots of pictures. I took my digital and film camera but only got pictures of everybody else with my digital, I didn't even use my film camera. Most of the pictures that were taken are of Zar, the dog.

Carly was suppose to come over here today and we were suppose to do something but I don't think she's coming, which is okay too I guess. It's pretty bad weather out so, whatever. I was hoping we could do something, all of us together, but maybe another weekend.

I'm gonna scoot. I feel like I need to take a shower, so I'm going to go and do that. I've got a few more phone calls I need to make too.

--I'm not really a dork...
Janett

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Date: Friday, July 29, 2005
Time: 1:37 pm EST
Current Conditions: ----------
Music: ------
Mood: Mellowed

I stayed up late last night talking on the phone talking to different assorted people, it seems that every time I went to hang the phone up somebody else was calling. I also stayed up yapping on the computer talkin to John, shouldn't have done that. I was getting off as he got on but I never get to talk to him so it was worth it I guess. I didn't go to sleep till after 2:00 and had to get up at 5:00 this morning. I did well though. I drove into Columbia and took the Battery 473 and I left with a good amount of confidence that I did well. Part, or I should say most, of the test is personal questions and I don't see how they can score you on that. Maybe they have some "ideal postal employee" guidelines that they go by but if you ask me it's prejudice. Just because you aren't a super happy or helpful person doesn't mean that you wouldn't make a good employee. That's just wrong.

Wednesday and Thursday I worked in a bitty level 11 office, Horatio. The only upside was I got to see somebody on my way home from work Wednesday. Didn't want to go home, but then I wasn't expecting to be asked to stay either so I guess that was even.

I got to go back to work in like 14 minutes so I guess I better wrap this up and continue later.

--Love can reach across eternity...
Janett

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Date: Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Time: 11:37 am EST
Current Conditions: Sunny , 92° (feels like 104°)
Music: Rick Trevino (I Only Get This Way With You)
Mood: Mellowed

I finally got a hold of the investigation officer of my case. He came out this morning and took another report. Apparently the two jerk offs who came out originally were suppose to fingerprint and they told Mada they could not until the homeowner returned. He said that is not true that it should have been done when they arrived. I'm not surprised. Look at the crap I pay for. I pay for people to come out here, stand around and stare. The man that came out was real nice for once, I got a nice one! The guy that came out last time was a total ass. He probably just tossed the file in the trash can when he got back to the office because I never heard another word from him.

I talked to Rembert today and I'm going there Tuesday of next week. I'm not looking forward to it but as I was told recently "Somebody's gotta work to pay the bills" and being as how it's me andmy 5 year old son, I seriously doubt he's going to be able to get a job at the moment so that leaves just me. I dont' mind working, I just hate working there. Tomorrow and Thursday I'm going to be in Horatio. Friday morning I'm heading to Columbia to take my Battery 473. Vida brought her book over so I can get some kind of idea about the testing. I got my kit and I've just started looking over it. I'm so nervous it isn't even funny. I'm going to scour the internet for ideas on how to calm down. I don't know if it'd help but it might.

I'm going to meet Barbara at The Station for lunch today and then I'm heading to the office to call my attorney. Bless you Mac. I often wonder what in the hell I'm doing by doing the stuff I'm doing. I told Carly when I spoke with her last week that I feel like a kindergartner who has no direction and needs somebody to say "go here, do that, un-uh don't do that." It's been a while since I felt like that and that scares me in a bad scary way.

According to Weather.com it's suppose to start raining Thursday. I hope it rains all day Thursday and Friday and Saturday or not all day Friday, I don't want to have to drive to that location in the pouring rain but if I'm at home, I really don't mind. I don't mind real rain that is. I hate it when it drizzles and makes everything hotter. That kinda stinks.

I've been working some more on my Genealogy. My Great Grandmother Johnnie's side. I've gotten some new information. It's helped some and somebody verifyed a connection that I had already made so that was cool to have a positive conformation on that.

I'm going to go on a semi-personal rant and it will be full of pity so if you don't want to read this next blurb, don't.

I've always been and I do mean always been branded "the strong one". Even at my Mom's memorial service I was referred to as that. I guess it's good to be perceived as that to other people but sometimes, just every once in a while, I'd like to have somebody that I felt I could go to and let it all out but I don't. I could be dying inside and nobody would ever know. I'm doing good as long as other people are happy. I wish I could eat my words. I told both Tasha and Jason that while it's good to see other people around you happy and make them happy, you need to save a little bit of that happiness for yourself. You can't spend your whole life making everybodyelse happy. Your happiness can't come from somebody elses. It's that simple. I'm not saying turn into a self-centered ass either. Everybody needs their own enjoyment. Carly was saying how I need to swallow my pride and accept help from people. I don't think it's pride, and that could be pride talking, but I'm so use to doing on my own and doing for myself, it's hard to let somebody else step in. I'm so use to people failing me, and that could be because my expectations are so high, that I figure why bother. By saying that I don't have these ridiculous "terms" that people must meet for me to have anything to do with them. First and foremost I do like respect and I don't mean like "Yes Mamn'" type stuff. Like if we're suppose to go somewhere or you tell me you're going to do it, let's or call and say something came up. A lame excuse is better than no excuse. I can deal with rejection. I didn't say I handled it well, I just said I could deal with it. I guess I ask for a lot of things that happen to me. I guess you could say I'm an emotional person thought I don't show it. I would rather have somebody cut my heart out with a dull spoon before I'd ever cry in front of anybody intentionally. I also get attached to people real quick like and that is one of the worst things about me. If I could change anything that would be it, non physical anyways. I don't mean to toot my own horn but I think I have a pretty good heart and I don't want to do anybody wrong, and I'm not saying I haven't ever done that but I don't do it on purpose or just for spite. Who knows maybe somewhere inside is just a vengeful bitch who hates everybody and wants to see every miserable and fail at everything they do, only time will tell.

I haven't been to church in almost a month which is unusual for me. I'm usually there every Sunday. I haven't been doing my book either, which I guess I need to do and get caught up on it. I was thinking about scanning the area for some different churches, I don't want to join another church, I just like going to different places sometimes. The only thing is I don't like going by myself. It's that whole fear of people thing.

I got my formal invitation for Vi's party this Saturday. I asked Rob if he wanted to go with me. I got a "yea sure if you want" sorda response. I've never been there it's at the 527 Social Club and I know it's suppose to be a birthday party, but it doesn't start until 10:00 and I have no idea what to expect other than that. I'm not sure if we're looking at a family oriented kinda party or what.

It's almost noon so I'm going to go ahead and finish up what ever else I was doing and get ready to go to the Station then I'm going to go make an important phone call. *Thanks again Mac* I wish I didn't get so freakin nervous.

--I might not be a smart man, but I know what love is
Janett

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Date: Monday, July 25, 2005
Time: 3:10 pm EST
Current Conditions: Fair , 93° (feels like 105°)
Music: AudioSlave (Be Yourself)
Mood: Tired

I'm jamming out to music right now. My computer is now prettymuch on almost all the time so I can listen to stuff that way. I also have an excuse to do nothing. Bryant came by earlier and started nagging about stuff. Jordan is here now and he is at work.

I am not sure if I'll put it on my website or if I'll do it on my blog but I'm going to start a section somewhere that is going to be for my dreams and stuff. When I say my dreams, I don't mean stupid stuff I mean like honest heartfealt stuff. Some of it is going to sound stupid to some people but frankley, I don't give a shit. I'm so tired of trying to please everybody else and never getting anything in return so I've came to the conclusion that I'm going to be me and whoever sticks around is the good people I should have surrounded myself with from the get go and those who scatter like leaves in the fall, well they just should have dealt with it because they're the ones missing out.

I should be outside cutting the grass but it's hotter than hell out and I'm not doing that right now. I might cut some tonight and some more tomorrow evening. The heat index tomorrow is suppose to be around 115 and that is really hot.

I go to Columbia Friday for my testing and I'm really nervous about it. Scared in fact. I can't help it though. i'm suppose to go work in Horatio Wednesday and Thursday and then to Cola on Friday morning and then back in my office that afternoon to close out. The week is coming when I'm suppose to work in Rembert for a week and I'm dreading that. I hate that office.

I bought a tea kettle the other day and now I need to go find it so I'm off.

--I just ooze sexuality so there is no sense in putting the goods on display
Janett

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Date: Sunday, July 24, 2005
Time: 5:34 pm EST
Current Conditions: Mostly Cloudy , 90° (feels like 99°)
Music: Lonestar (I've Gotta Find You)
Mood: Relaxed

I haven't posted since Thursday and there is a reason for that. Friday I had a lot of stuff I needed to do and so I took care of all that business then Friday night I had an outing with a real nice guy. THen he followed me home and didn't leave until this morning.

I was told I needed to call and invite him to dinner butI'm not bold enough for that, never have been and I more than likely will be. If any of you like bold women, you're going to have to pass me over because I'm the opposite for the most part anyways.

I need to finish cooking dinner.

--Someone out there still believes in me...
Janett

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Date: Thursday, July 22, 2005
Time: 3:51 pm EST
Current Conditions: Mostly Cloudy , 90° (feels like 99°)
Music: Silence (No Music)
Mood: Anxious

I went into work this morning and picked up my tub of mail. Some of my crap that I ordered had came in while I was away. I asked my boss about transferring and if I take the exam here if I would still be able to transfer and she said she didn't know so I'll have to call tomorrow or Monday and see. I talked to Heyward some while I was there too. I don't think my boss lady cared for that either.

I went to town and picked up stuff for Mada's birthday cake came home and made it along with a pot of coffee. I also bought a little kettle while I was in town. I got some chocolate milk just in case Heyward forgets to bring it buy. HINT! I went and took her cake, present, and card over to her house and put it on the table by the door. Hope the icing doesn't melt and even if it does, oh well. She just dropped in and so all is well. She really liked the little Mary Moo thing I got her. It's way too cute.

I'm trying to muster up the courage to find somebody, *HINT*, to go out with me tonight. I wanna go see a movie. If you're up for it, lemme know, I'll meet you there and pay for your ticket but if you want popcorn or some crap like that, get that yourself. I'm not made of money.

--It's getting better all the time...
Janett

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Date: Thursday, July 21, 2005
Time: 10:48 pm EST
Current Conditions: Cloudy , 76° (feels like 76°)
Music: Bryan Adams: Heaven
Mood: Jaw hurts...

As I'm sure you've guessed, I'm back from my vacation. I so did not want to come back. I was going to attempt to come back Wednesday but couldn't bring myself to do it. I fear if I had brought Jordan with me I would have stayed and never came back. I could find a job down there.

I got down there and surprised Tash. I called about 20 minutes out and told her I was just getting out of Atlanta and that I'd be another 2 to 3 hours and 15 minutes later I walked in the store.

Friday I saw Josh again after all these years and he's still the same ole' Josh. He hasn't changed one bit except for a bit of face fuzz. I was suppose to meet him at a certain time and I was going to go a little bit earlier so I could brace myself and right after I got there he pulled up, early himself, which is an improvement for poor Josh. I was surprised he even showed but I guess his curiosity got the best of him for once. I was piddling with something in the car and he called and was like "What are you doing" my response was "sitting in the car" "Oh really?" "Yep" It's followed by a "Look behind you" I replied with "Behind me?" and then it's "Well, over your right shoulder" and I did and there he was. I about damn died. You people just don't understand. I had to refrain myself from hurting him, not like doing bodily harm to him, just seeing him was really neat. It was cute though, he was all fidgety, giggly, turning red, mumbling & fumbling his words. Couldn't keep the smile off his face but then that was it. I didn't see or speak to him the rest of the time I was there. I think I've finally figured out what it is I need from him and one of these days I'll get it.

We went to some stores and spent money I didn't have but I had a good time and I got them some stuff, which I liked being able to do. I spiffed Jason up a bit and got Tash some stuff too. I got some stuff for Amy but most of it is stuff I have at home so I'll have to send it or carry it back down there. I think I've also decided, for sure this time, that I'm going to move. I know people think it's stupid but I got to thinking about something Nicky, my boyfriend when my mom died, had said to me. He use to always get so mad because I was so close to Tash and always had to be around her, it aggravated him. But a few days after Mom died he told me that he finally understood. He said he never saw two people who looked like they should be together than her and I and I do believe he was right. I'm good for her and she's good for me. I think I might have even done Jason some good while I was there. I just need to figure out what to do about my job and the house I"m in now, I'll sell, take what's left and get me a place.

While I was on vacation some bastards broke in to my house and stole my stuff. I have been told one name and if his black nappy ass isn't caught, I'll find him myself, beat the hell out of him and drag him to the stupid sheriffs office. I'm so freakin sorry but why is it I bust my ass for the stuff I have and somebody comes into my home, that I pay for, steal the things that I pay for, and not a damn thing happens to them. This isn't the first time stuff has been stolen from me either. The law enforcement out here is for shit. We might as well not have any because they don't do anything. I've had two lawnmowers, a go kart, weed eaters, hedge clippers and Jordan's bike stolen. I called the cops out here and was treated like an idiot. Then the stupid fat pork chop who was in charge never returned a phone call or anything.

--Getter' Dun...
Janett

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Date: Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Time: 10:00 pm EST
Current Conditions: Rain, 72° (feels like 72°)
Music: George Strait: If I Know Me
Mood: Amazling wired and tired

This time tomorrow night, I will be in Talladega, Alabama visiting with one of my dearest friends whom I have not seen in roughly four years. My game plan is as follows. I was hoping to already be in bed but seeing as how I still have crap to do, I'm still awake. Right now I'm burning some cd's that will be much needed. I have the following thus far:

That's what I got this far. I need to get all my crap in the car so I can go to work in the morning. I have to get gas at The Station before I leave then if I have time might swing through Sumter and deposit my check. If not, iit can wait until I get back.

For those of you who know me, as if you are reading this, you do, don't feel that just because I'm away you aren't allowed to call. I've got a lot of stuff to do. I was going to write a really long one, but I'm about to pass out sitting here.

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Date: Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Time: 6:00 pm EST
Current Conditions: Rain, 72° (feels like 72°)
Music: George Strait: If I Know Me
Mood: Amazling wired and tired

All the closer to take off. I should be going to town right now, but I really don't feel like it. I hope I'm not getting overly excited and end up getting sick. That guy came in the post office again today, the one I wrote about a few days ago, I wonder who I would talk to about him. He scares me a little. Okay, or a lot. Take your pick.

Last night, for those of you who know, went very well. I had a very good time and I guess we'll see if there is anything else to it. It's weird doing this again. Not that I ever actually "did" anything in the first place. It usually consisted of going to some anonymous persons house and getting plastered, some strange drugs being passed around and very loud, angry music. Occasionally there was a visit from Mr. Policeman, but it was all good. I've been out a few times, first was with Jason and that wasn't really a date more of a "play date" because we both had our kids. Anyways, don't wanna talk about that anymore. Moving on...

I'm going to go into town. I have to or I'll regret the fact that I didn't do it. I'll write my "fairly well" speech when I get back and I'll archive these posts.

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Date: Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Time: 1:44 pm EST
Current Conditions: Partly Cloudy, 89° (feels like 98°)
Music: Hoobastank: The Reason
Mood: Frantically Excited

I'm on lunch break now, or I am for about 13 more minutes. I burned Vi a cd and she's suppose to come get it. Worked with Hayward today. I like working with him, I guess it's because he's my age, you don't see that often in post offices. Speaking of post offices, I got my stuff from the Examination Admin. office today. I was late getting to work this morning, which I could have coped with other than the fact when I got to work this morning my boss was there! I was freaking out. She then accused me of staying out and partying but I was not. I did go out, but I did not party.

Later on, I'm going to update again. Before I leave I'm going to archive all these, I think it's getting too much in one little window for folks to read, so that way if they're interested, they'll just have to look in the archives. This time tomorrow I will be approximately one hour into my trip, which means I should be in Columbia. Oh what joys. I still got bung loads of stuff to do. I have a craving for root beer. Might go get some of that too. :-) Need to scoot. More later. Toodles.

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Date: Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Time: 5:32 pm EST
Current Conditions: Partly Cloudy, 89° (feels like 98°)
Music: Bryan Adams: I was Only Dreaming
Mood: Excited

Today has been extremely boring. Work totally sucked. I could have just stayed home and got my much needed beauty rest. I didn't get to bed until about 4:00 this morning. I guess I should be glad that I was even able to get to sleep right? Oh well. I have loads of stuff to do before my trip in TWO days. I can't freakin' believe it. So many cd's to burn, so little time.

I met Vida for lunch today at The Dragon. That was cool. I got some neat yummie food. I didn't even eat half of it though. First time I ate in two days and my tummy was cramping some after I ate it. I also drank tea, which I despise. I'm attempting to type this entry while I drink my dinner, listen to my music, wash clothes, clean the house and pack some of Jordan's stuff for the rest of the summer.

I have some special exciting event that is happening tonight. I'll give details later. Somebody asked me to tell them something special about my self, what makes me unique, the answer nothing and everything. I gotta put clothes in the dryer and get myself all dolled up.

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Date: Monday, July 11, 2005
Time: 5:15 pm EST
Current Conditions: Cloudy, 87° (feels like 95°)

Last night I watched the most disappointing movie of all time. If you've ever seen "Cannibal Campout" and though it was horrific, you haven't seen anything until you've watched "Dead Birds". I bought it thinking, it looks pretty damned neat, what a waste of $5.00. Then again, that could be why it was only five bucks. I think I'll watch Napoleon Dynamite again tonight. If I don't do that, there is a good possibility I'll read my Harry Potter book. I suck at reading right now. My mind is anywhere but the book.

I'm leaving on Thursday and going to Alabama. I'm not sure how long I'm going to be gone, maybe that's a bad thing to say...but I am most assuredly not looking forward to returning to this hell. I know I'll see Tash while I'm there. I'm going to take one day and go with Chris and go see Robbie. I'm hoping Janet will be there and might even get to see Brandon. I'd like to meet up with Brent while I was there too. I haven't seen him in forever. I can't believe Brandon is so big! Good grief. There is also one other lost soul I'd like to see while I'm here. I'm not going to hold my breath or I just might end up dead. I'm going to burn several CD's for the trip, as I have several hours of driving time there and back.

Today work sucked but then again I assume that is no surprise. I did get some compliments on my lobby though. Thank you folks. I also go harassed, but I'm not getting into that right now.

Vida called and we're suppose to be going to The Dragon tomorrow. I hope she calls me and says Jan Nett let's go. She's got 15 minutes shorter lunch than I do but it's about the same distance so if we call ahead we should be fine.

I just thought I would share that little bit of humor with all of you. Not that I expect there are many of you. At least I'm not saying who the picture is of so give me a break.

I'm hungry, but don't need to eat, what to do, what to do. I could always eat and then puke. Then at least I would feel like I had eaten. I could also drink a lot so I won't have to eat. I still have roughly 25 pounds I want to lose and most people say no I shouldn't and ask, if when I started if I ever thought I'd be where I am today and the honest answer is "No" I didn't. Then they ask when you were what you were would you have been happy if you were the size/weight you are now. The answer is "Yes". But now that I'm here I don't want it. I can do better and I will do better. I gotta. I don't "gotta" but I want to and I know I can so there. If I wind up dead, so be it. We're all going to die eventually. If people seriously believe we die when it's our time, then when I keel over, it will have been my time.

I've been very bitchy lately. Even more so than usual, which is saying something. Then again, I also have a less than cheerful outlook on people at the moment as well. People suck, not just some of them, all of them. If these are the people who "like" me, what the hell do I need enemies for? I do guess there is the slim, very slim, possibility that I'm just being over sensitive, but I think not. People are really getting between my joints. So help me if I hear one more idiotic moron say "You're beautiful" I'll beat the hell out of him. Beautiful I am not. How would they know anyways, beauty on the outside is for naught Who gives a crap if you've got some model body if the inside looks like something so horrific we won't even try to come up with something to compare it to. Yes, looks do matter, to an extent, there usually has to be some kind of physical attraction for any match to work, but if you just flat out suck, you can leave. All that matters is what a person is on the inside, how they feel, what their dreams and hopes are. I do put on a front for people and it isn't a good one. I show people my nasty side. I do it as so I won't get hurt. I see no reason to be nice to somebody, have them come into your heart just to turn right around and rip it out. No thanks. I've already said I get emotionally connected to people to fast. Way too fast. What urks the hell out of me. Ya know what. I don't want to discuss this anymore.

But while we're on the subject of ingrates, my youngest and full blooded sister Naomi comes to mind. Yes you, you winch. She was suppose to come up here for her birthday, which was June 29 and everything. I spoke with her that morning and she said she had a bus ticket, I asked her what time it left and she told me. When I asked for the arrival time she couldn't give me an answer so I called the bus station. She had lied and I called her back and called her on it. She said she didn't know what I was talking about that her ticket that was the arrival time. They didn't even have a bus that left at the time she was saying in the first place. She said she was going to call herself and then call me back. Here it is July 11th and I sill haven't hear one freggin word from her. I sent her birthday shit because I went and bought her stuff, expecting her and she never showed. I took a good bit of it back, I only sent her what was not returnable. I hope she got it and felt like the shit that she is. Screw her. I don't need her either.

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Date: Saturday, July 9, 2005
Time: 6:21 pm EST
Current Conditions: Cloudy, 79° (feels like 82°)

I want to commend the young man who wrote this..."I'm looking for someone to 1) accept me for who I am 2) converse with 3) give me a chance despite what society says about "people like him"."I absolutely love that. I'm so having issues with this. There are so many freakin idiots out there and so many people who open themselves to those morons. PEOPLE! It's not just guys either, oh but no. I'm coming to realize that a large majority of stuff is chicks. I don't think I'm going to touch this subject much today, it gives me a splitting migrane headache.

I was thinking about something Caywood told me a while back. He made the statement, and I love this, "If I'm going to be on somebody's list, I want to be at the top". That was Caywood on everybody thinking he's an ass, when in all honesty, he's a sweetheart. He's all rough on the outside, but on the inside, he wants to be accepted just like everybody else. I had a lot of fun talking with him.

Anyways, I am suppose to go to this thing tonight with Mada. She was suppose to be here at 7:00. It's 6 minutes till and I haven't heard word one from her. It might be for the best. Jordan got a new "Knight set" and he's playing with it. He's been a bit annoying today too.

I went to Burkes today and bought myself 3 shirts and a pair of pants that is way too big for me, but use to wouldn't fit (YES!) and I shouldn't have because they are way too big. I'm hoping I can take them in some and still have them look decent. They are super comfortable is why I bought them. I also bought Tasha some clothes. I got her two shirts and a pair of pants like I got. I also bought us the same shirts of one kind. Perhaps we can wear them together while I'm vacationing down there.

Okay it's now almost 9:30, I just got back from Mrs. Iris' house. We had a rockin good time. I'm a little woosy, but it's all good. I'm amazed that I can actually type this. There is bound to be some typos.

I called Tasha and she wants a new job, I told her she should go find one. When I was on the phone with her the person who owned the store pulled up and she let me go. I tried to call Josh but he's out of service, big freakin surprise. Then I tried to call Shane and got a machine, I'm so not talking to any more of THOSE. And when I say THOSE I'm referring to machines.

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Date: Thursday, July 7, 2005
Time: 10:20 pm EST
Current Conditions: Thunder, 79° (feels like 82°)

This is going to be a lot of me bitching so if you don't want to hear it, then I suggest you not read. As for now, you have been warned so I will continue.

How nice it must be to go through your life with absolutely no regard for any other persons' human emotions other than your own! People are so self centered and so damned focused on themselves and "what's in it for them" they somehow manage to maneuver over anything that does not effect themselves. I often think, something's wrong with me because I tend to care about what happens to people, though I'd never admit it. Why go through life disconnecting yourself with your own human emotions and robbing somebody else of the satisfaction of actually caring for you. Are all people that screwed up? And, for those of you reading, this is not just for any one specific person, if you think it's yourself, then perhaps you should take a look at yourself. As for me. I'm guilty of it. I'll admit it in a heartbeat. While I'm not as cold to completely blow somebody off, except that one time, and I like to think now, at the ripe old age of 24 I've learned my lesson. People are so obsessed with what they feel like they have to have instead of what they need it isn't even funny.

Another thing that pisses me off is when you're speaking to me, if you make an empty statement, don't expect me to let it ride. Don't get pissed at me when I ask questions. If you don't want somebody to ask, you shouldn't mention it. Not vaguely at least, what is the point in sparking somebody's interest if you're just going to blow them off. This could also be a misunderstanding of cultures aka location, but I don't buy that either.

If I've said it before I know I've said it a million times, I'm different than people I know. Maybe that's a bad thing. I've been dumped on, cast aside, and used as a doormat, one too many times. I'm tired of people's crap, I'm tired of having to smile through it all, I'm tired of people using me, I'm tired of sucking it up. I'm ready to lay the smack down.

Another thing I can't stand is clique's. I know they are everywhere, but just the same, I can't stand it. I have never belonged to one unless it's the "down and out" crowd. I was the outcast in high school along with Kirk. I didn't mind it. I eventually had a small group of friends that became my blanket and if it wasn't for them (Chris, Tash, Dennis, Candice, Jennifer, Lauren & Nick B.) I don't know what I would have done. I'm still in close contact with two of them. Nick eventually faded out over time. There was also Raven aka Woo, and I loved her dearly, probably too much because we got in a lot of trouble together. I wouldn't trade my time with her for anything though. I learned a lot from her and from the people I met while I was with her.

Lauren was always my negative friend. Always had something sarcastic to say about everything I did. I was dating the wrong guy, or too many guys. This guy was a loser, yadda yadda. I eventually came to terms that she was miserable and didn't have anybody so she didn't want me to have anybody. I tried to hook her up with Twan but that didn't work. She also dated Josh C. for all of 2 hours and then there was Terry G. whom lasted a weekend. I remember her little internet guy, John, coming down from New York. Then there was Chris and the rest is history. She's happily married and is moving into a new home on the 18th of this month.

Tash was always my shoulder. I could tell her anything and she listened to me. Better yet she heard me and not just with her ears, she honestly understood what I was saying. She took it to heart and remembered what I said, it was important to me so it was important to her. She was the one who I'd talk to about erm...guys, mostly Josh. I guess there was only ever 2 guys for me really. The first was Josh and the second was Nick C. I was with Nick with my Mom died and even how I felt about Josh, Nick was the one I thought I'd end up marring. He was the only one I even considered marrying. With Josh, the thought was nice, but in reality, it would have never happened. Tash was there for me when Mom died and when I moved we fell out of touch but every now and then we'd track one another down and talk but this time, we've gotten back in touch, and it's been on different grounds and things are going great for us. She married who she wanted to married and has one child. I give my props to her!

Chris got married to some girl who had his kid, big mistake, but no surprise. It's a shame. Maybe he'll stop drinking so damned much though. I don't talk to him anymore but would like to.

Dennis, my poor sweet boy, married somebody I'd rather not say. I believe he has 2 or 3 kids. This lil' guy was my sidekick and heart. We had a lot of fun together.

Candice married a guy named Lee. I saw her every fourth of July when I'd go back home and we'd spend the night and wee hours of the next morning together, talking about crap. I lost contact with her but last I heard, her husband admitted to her he was bisexual and she had one child , not his, and I do believe she was pregnant with his kiddo.

Jennifer and Nick B. kinda go hand in hand. I met Jennifer, I'm not really sure how I met her but we hung out a lot. She was in love with Chris and I was his best friend so I'd drag him over there but he did her wrong, used her you'd say. I ran into Nick by lugging Jennifer all over the school with me and eventually saw Nick and he started passing me notes, which was cute. He was a cool guy while he was around. Hope he's doing okay.

I have no idea how I got off on that but anyways. As I was saying before, I just don't understand people who don't take others feelings into consideration. What's that people say, something to the effect of "Think before you act". Kinda like don't open your mouth and shovel in your foot. I don't know what the hell t his world is coming too.

On that note, I didn't hear about the attacks in London until this morning when I got to work, that was disturbing. Everybody is comparing it to September 11. I don't think I would do that as it isn't that catastrophic. Yes, people lost lives, and I'm sorry for that as is everyone, but it isn't September 11.

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Date: Wednesday, July 6, 2005
Time: 12:37 pm EST
Current Conditions: Partly Cloudy, 88° (feels like 97°)

I wasn't suppose to work today but alas, I was called in and then got a snotty call from a Postmistress who shall remain nameless but only for the sake of my job. Bryant is suppose to come get Jordan later today and tomorrow morning I'm off to another PO for a days work, not too happy about it either, but oh well. My boss took me to lunch yesterday and I saw Shanekia. That was cool. Also, there was a man who draped himself over the table and was drooling and snoring rather loudly, No, there isn't anything wrong with either of those things, while drooling, is not attractive, he was in a public place.

I was told l that I needed to move out of the south and go to where trees have branches....I'm not going to say who said that either but they know who they are. I'd also like to wave ::waves:: to Lil' S.

Friday I'm suppose to go see a drag attorney in Florence, this should be an adventure. We're suppose to get some nasty rain starting this afternoon or evening. I hope it's after I go swimming or there are gaps in-between long enough to have a luxurious swim. I haven't written of it but Sarah and myself went to see a movie erm, a few weekends, possibly 2, ago. We saw The Perfect Man. It wasn't what I wanted to see, but it was good nevertheless. Hey, I wasn't going to complain. I got to go out and I didn't have to go by myself. It was a chick flick, not exactly my favorite genre, but it was a good one. $15.00 well spent. I originally wanted to go see Land of the Dead but that was too scary for her. Perhaps somebody else will go with me before it gets out of theaters.

I'm still being harassed about moving. I've gotten several offers and the most appealing, well, I want to go for the wrong reasons and I know I do. It isn't that I want to go there, because, while reuniting with her and being around what family I have down here might be nice, I don't want to go to be with any of them, I want to go for another reason and I don't think I can bring myself to do that. As far as that goes, I don't know what I want.

I told Tash that I thought I was manic. She thought I was playing, but I'm for real. Mom use to say I was too. If I'm not, then I've got to be borderline.

Holy shenanigans, just got an important phone call. It was awesome. I need to get back to work.

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Date: Tuesday, July 5, 2005
Time: 11:00 pm EST
Current Conditions: Partly Cloudy, 86° (feels like 95°)

It's been a while, yes I know, shame, oh woe the shame on me. I have a good excuse, this time. Work. Yep, you heard me right. I've been working a lot. This is my first "official" day off in a while. Over a month I do believe. Which should mean I shouldn't be complaining about money, and so I won't this time anyways. Last night was awesome. Lotsa fireworks and stuff. The coolest part about it, I didn't get ate up with bugs until the very end and then after the fact we went swimming until almost midnight.

There was one person, who shall remain nameless, BRADY, whom was suppose to call, swore he'd call when he got off work, do you think I heard word one? NO! The rudeness. That does it, no more coffee for you sir. Not from me anyways. I'll give him a good talking to I reckon, maybe sometime. Perhaps we can do something today. I was thinking make something cool for Carly when she comes back. She'd think he made it, but that would be fine too. Those two need a break. I've offered to watch William but I haven't heard back on it. I told Brady about it and he seemed interested but that's easier said than done, William isn't his, biologically anyway. I'm out...