Date: Friday, September 30, 2005
Time: 12:27 p.m. EST
Current Conditions: Cloudy , 73° (feels like 73°)
Music: -----------------------
Mood: -----------------

Whelp, here I am, back from the Hoosier state, in the ever dreadful Palmetto state. I was sad to go. I was enjoying myself up there. I did get to see my cousin and met some of his friends. Freakin' funny they were. When I got there Monday, I had to register and then the rest of the day was mine. I looked up Stephen and had him come get me or I should say I asked, if he would mind, and of course he didn't. The weather there was freakin' awesome. Not to mention the leaves. I did, however, have one rude run in. Apparently Stephen's girlfriend is very very very jealous. I was suppose to be "the other woman" and I was like eh? I'm his cousin, not the other woman. I don't know if that is a shame on her or a shame on him. I talked to him about all the stuff that was going on and he said he'd help me get a place if I wanted to move up there. I don't think that is an option right now. I'd have to find a job first. The offer is very appealing though. I like it up there.

I was totally dreading coming back here. It's like you get away from things, people, senses, and stuff for one day and you don't want to come back. Perhaps that is just the runner in me. It seems like so much has changed over the past few days. This is kind of amazing. You could say while I was gone, I had a revelation of myself, my future, what I want, everything. It was quite enlightening. Want details do ya? Read on.

First off, I'm way to laid back, let folks run over me far too much. No longer am I going to let people walk all over me. That is done with. At one point in my life, I had a backbone, stood up for myself and what I believed in. I fought for what I wanted, sometimes literally. I still have no problem standing up for others, it's just myself I have the problem with. Next, when it comes to guys, I've always just said I'm too picky, unt...no way. Screw that. I'm not about to be stuck with somebody I can't stand. I have standards, yes, but they aren't so far fetched that I should have to settle for something less. I don't have any stupid thing like, you have to have a certain amount of money in the bank for me to like you. It isn't about money and besides all that, who gives a flying shit how much money somebody has, I don't. After this little trip, I am most defiantly moving. I hate it here and that has never been more obvious than now. I have nothing here but bad memories. I do have a few friends around here whom I will miss dearly, but I have no family here and no other interest nor reasons to stay here and therefore I will not. I've also discovered that I do not need anybody. Don't get me wrong, having somebody hold you while you sleep, fo have them lying beside you when youwake in the middle of the night, that's wonderful. But for me it comes with a price. I get attached to people way to quick, and it seems that it's all the wrong people with whom I get attached to. That's proved true in the last instance, that's for sure. I'm not going to spend the last years of my life searching for something that isn't out there. If it happens, hey, it happens, if it doesn't, fine. There is so much more I could say on that subject but I think for now, I'll pander it off.

I got to work with Heyward yesterday, which was nice, as always. I had another appointment with Will yesterday afternoon and I got everything squared away so things are in line for the proceedings. Now it's just a matter of waiting. I mopped the floors yesterday with a good dose of Murphy's Oil and I think they just soaked it up. It's looking like I"m going to need to recoat, which is fine too. I think tonight, I actually have PLANS!! Plans with 3 different people and possibly a pending fourth. First off Genovia and Gary (or Ger') want me to go with them to God knows where. Ceriah wants me to do some stuff with her, which I told her I would for her watching Jordan last Saturday and then Climmie and I are going to meet up and go for a run and then I was given a proposition at the post office.

Carly called the other day and asked me about Rob. I told her that that was it. She kept telling me to wait, but screw it. He isn't interested, so why waste my time. I'm not saying that I don't have feelings for him, because I do, but I have to have some kind of control over something. I need to get to cleaning, it looks as if I'm going to have a busy weekend. So if you need me for anything, just call the cell phone. If I don't answer, leave a message and I'll get back with ya.

--Insert some profound saying here
Janett

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Last night instead of going to the club, I went to Dillon park and met my friend Climmie and we walked some and ran some. We talked about a lot of stuff. It was good to have somebody to talk to again. I haven't really talked to anybody about much of anything since Rob left. Anyways. I had a lot of fun.

I was looking at a thing one of my friends sent me and it comes from the poem "The Interview With God" here are a few excerpts...

“That they get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.”

“To learn they cannot make anyone love them. All they can do is let themselves be loved.”

“To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others.”

“To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness.”

“To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those they love, and it can take many years to heal them.”

“To learn that there are people who love them dearly, but simply have not yet learned how to express or show their feelings.”

“To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it differently.”

“To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves.”

If you would like to view the poem and flash film, you can go here Interview With God. There is another cute website called Twinkies & Root Beer that I think is adorable. Twinkies and root beer are two of my favorite things. To view that website, go here Twinkies & Root Beer. We're having a Organ dedication service at church at 3:30 this evening if any of you would like to attend.

I might be getting a cat. Actually my friend is finally getting her own place and they have a cat and a dog and she says that she can't afford the cat and she knows I'd take care of her so she's said I could have her if I wanted her. She looks just like my old cat Midnight, except for the eyes. Midnight's eyes were emerald green. He was so cute. So I might be getting a kitty after all. I would like to get a turtle again eventually. Seeing as how I have selling the house hovering over my head, I think I might wait on that though.

Speaking of turtles though, my brother found a turtle on his back door step when Hurricane Ophilia came through North Carolina. He's a cutie, if it is a he, if not, her name is Ophilia.

I've got Lil' Ceriah designing my tattoo that I'm going to get for my birthday. I think she might be a lil' flattered by the idea that she's designing a tattoo. I'm going to get something Celtic for sure. As far as the phrase, I'm thinking the Clan motto to go along with it. Location and size is another issue I'm dealing with. I have two different possible locations. I just haven't decided for sure yet.

The lady from Legal Aid called yesterday and had me answer like 100 questions about stuff. She was saying since the recent bout of violence perhaps we could get this sped up. I told her that I was retaining the services of one of Bishopville's finest. She didn't seem to pleased with that. They don't want to help me because of whatever reasons. I have my speculations and that's wrong but it's also wrong for her to generalize that just because I'm white, have a job, I'm considered middle class. That pissed me off.

I'm going to try and take Jordan to the fair sometime this week. Genovia said she would take him on Friday night but he's going to be in Columbia with Bryant. I told Ceriah that I'd take her out this weekend too so it's looking like it's going to be a busy week for me. I think it's what I need though. This past week has been bad. I still half expect to come home from work on Saturdays and see Rob here or expect him to show up Friday when I get off work and that's bad. I still sleep with Teddy, write my little (sometimes long and drawn out) letters in the notebook that he'll never see or know about, and his picture is still by my bed. Pathetic I know. Just a lot to consider on my part, he's already done his consideration though so I'm not really sure what there is that I have to consider. Stupid eh? Oh well. I would have sworn that I saw him this past week too. Who knows, maybe I did.

I need to get going. I need to go to town but I don't think I'd be able to get back in time for this thing so I might have to wait until after and go then. I still need to pack some of this stuff up and decide what to keep and what to get rid of. Also need to pack my suitcase for the next few days. I'm hoping to get on an earlier flight out of Indianapolis so I can get home earlier. I love flying. Hope you guys have a good few days.

--You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire
universe, deserve your love and affection
Janett

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I can honestly say that there isn't much going on but on the other hand, there is a lot going on. I got my retainer money today for the attorney (YES!!) and Monday I'm going to talk to Will and get everything order before I hop on the airplane and scoot myself on up to Indianapolis. Yep, I'm headed to the Hoosier state. I just wish I was going because I wanted to instead of work related purposes. Here is what my itinerary looks like.

Going to Indiana

Northwest Airlines
Monday, September 26
Dep: Greenville/Greer @ 9:03 a.m.
Arr. Detroit @ 10:47 a.m.
PLANE CHANGE
Northwest Airlines
Monday, September 26
Dep: Detroit @ 12:26 p.m.
Arr. Indianapolis @ 12:36 p.m.

Going to South Carolina

Northwest Airlines
Wednesday, September 28
Dep: Indianapolis @ 10:10 a.m.
Arr. Detroit @ 12:22
PLANE CHANGE
Northwest Airlines
Dep: Detroit @ 1:57 p.m.
Arr. Greenville 3:39 p.m.

So as you can tell, I'm going to be having loads and loads of fun, all by myself. I don't even know of anybody else from around here who is going. I haven't heard of anybody from any of the offices around here. Wonder if I'm being set up? *sighs* Perhaps only with luck. If I was staying long enough, I'd see if I couldn't get in contact with my cousin in Plainfield and stop by for a visit. If I remember correctly it's only about 20 miles, maybe less or maybe a few more from Indianapolis. Who knows when I'll get a chance to head back up that way again.

Today is Lauren's birthday, so Happy Birthday Lauren. Much love to you girlie. Speaking of Birthdays, my 25th birthday is coming up and I'm going to have myself a little party. I've gotten some ideas but I don't think I'm going to do most of the planning. I also got some folks coming in from out of state. The way I'm looking at it, and I might should not be looking at it like this, over half of my life is over and damn it, it's time to celebrate. I've got a whole new world a head of me. I'm on my own, nobody to answer to, yell at me, knock me around and damn it I deserve it.

Anyways, I have a baby sitter for Jordan tonight and I'm going to brave Sumter and see what kinda stuff I can get myself into. I went out with Vi last weekend and had a lot of fun. I left the club and went and saw a friend at work. I should toddle off so I'm out.

One more thing, to my friend Ron, I hope you're well and everything goes as planned for you and your family. I hope you have a safe life journey and I wish you & your family the best of luck in whatever paths you both choose in life. I hope you keep your head up till your outta Shaw/Sumter. I'll keep you all in my prayers.

--I hear your voice & it keeps me hangin' on...
Janett

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It has been one long, very long, day! I've been up since 4:00 this morning. Got Jordan up, took him to school, went to work in Bishopville, went out with Vida for lunch, came back to the Post Office, followed Peanut home, went to the park, back to the post office, came home, Genovia picked me up, went back to Sumter, Got Jordan, went and picked up Genovia's sister, went to Columbia, DOWNTOWN COLUMBIA at that, came back to Sumter, dropped Genovia's sister off, visited for a bit, came home, went back to Genovia's house and then got home about 9:00. I've almost had two seconds to breathe today. Days like this wear me out, but they keep me busy.

I was hoping to have gone to the florist and gotten some flowers to arrange for tomorrow morning but I guess when I take Jordan to school, I'll pick them up then, seeing as how I won't be working tomorrow. Tomorrow is Climmie's birthday and I'm going to fix her some flowers and take them up there and then later we're going to go out to eat and listen to a speaker, something she'd like. Hopefully she'll enjoy it.

A lot of good came out of my visit with the attorney the other day. My dad, God bless him, has agreed to pay my retainer fee. So Monday of next week, I'll have my very own lil' guinea pig. Okay, a very expensive one but what the hell, he'll be mine for a while. While I'm paying for his services that is.

I've managed to beef back up to 153. Not good news for me, but its about what I was when Rob left so whatever. Physically I feel like crap. Like today I felt like a huge slug all day. I guess I still am not getting enough sleep, granted I've been getting more than I was from the start. Maybe in time it will get better. I'd like to go to one of those sleep lab things or better yet a dream lab. When I do sleep, I have wicked dreams. The other night I think I had another night terror. I woke up screaming, I didn't know what the hell I was screaming about, but my pillow was wet, which isn't a good sign, considering it was fairly cold in the bedroom. On another note, I've been asked to post an updated picture and I'm posting this one because it's one of the newer ones I have. The batteries in my digital are tote and I haven't been brave enough to go buy anymore so here. And before you ask, because I know you're thinking it, my hair is NOT permed. It's all natural.

I'm trying to get another car too. Vi has her old car that I"m trying to let her let me buy it off her but secretly, I think she has some kind of secret attachment to it, which is understandable. Dad is going to help me get something and two guys at work are helping me look, which I totally appreciate. They're good guys. One of em even promised he'd go to a hockey game with me. I asked Genovia and she said "That's a white people's sport". So I'm still working on that one.

Vi wants me to go back out to the club this weekend and I think if I can find somebody to watch Jordan, I'll defiantly go. Last weekend was the bomb! I didn't get home till real late or early, however you wanna look at it but just the same I had a lot of fun. Just the loud music was good.

I've got friends and some family in the line of wrath for Hurricane Rita, I just pray that they have enough sense to get the hell out before its too late. I think the majority of them are already out. I think everybody still has Katrina still fresh in their minds, and they should.

On a happier note, my birthday is in exactly one month. I wish that Rob could be here, but I know it's not possible. I've decided, since I'm going to be 25, I'll have a party. I'm going to do a bon fire, music, decorations, booze, and non-booze for those who aren't old enough to drink. It's going to be awesome. Let's just hope the weather holds out. I thought if I invite about 45 people, half might show up, which would be a good turn out. Hell I'd be happy if I could just have two special people there. :-)

I guess I should get scootin. I got something's that I need to get ready for in the morning. Tomorrow looks like it is going to be an equally busy day. :-) Not to mention payday! Thank the Lord, though it's already gone. Gotta pay the house payment ya know. Anywho, maybe not for much longer but I'm not going to make any statements on that at the moment.

Oh yea, I'm going to be away for a few days, gotta go out of town on business related stuff. Too bad I'm not going for sight seeing adventures. I could use some of that.

--I hear your voice & it keeps me hangin' on...
Janett

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Date: Sunday, September 18, 2005
Time: 10:00 p.m. EST
Current Conditions: Partly Cloudy , 83° (feels like 85°)
Music: Kenny Chesney | All I Need To Know
Mood: -----------

Alright, it's been a while since my last post and that has totally been on purpose. I've been going through a lot of different emotions over the past two weeks. A lot has happened in the past two weeks. I think I've come to realize a lot of things, some of those things I'd rather not have to deal with but it's life. I'm not going to go into details at the moment, perhaps later. It's still stuff I'm not totally comfortable with or ready to accept myself.

Genovia and I have been walking at Dillon Park in Sumter after work. We were supposed to go Friday but she wasn't feeling well so I came home, changed and went to the club with Vi. I didn't get home till like almost 5:00 in the morning. I didn't drink much, I had one lil' dixie cup of awfully strong wine and that was it. I had a real good time, I think the overly loud music is just what I needed.

Wednesday Bryant picked Jordan up from school, he was to be out of school the rest of the week, they had a teacher's conference. I had been meeting Bryant some other place other than here because the last time he came out here I had to call the cops. This time I didn't have any gas and wasn't going to have any money for gas until tomorrow. This past week I've spent over $60.00 in gas for driving all around for like work and stuff. He came out here, Bryant did, and was listening to me for the most part. We were outside, I was in the swing and he was on the other side of the porch. He said he wanted to tell Jordan bye so I said I'd go get him. He said no he was going in the house. He kept insisting that Rob was in the house, which is why I wouldn't let him in but that wasn't the case either. So he jams up in the house and starts yelling for "Rob" to come and starting cussing, threatening him stuff like that. I get Bryant back to the door and he's standing in the doorway and starts cussing at me and then shoves me down on the stairs. I don't know what came over me but I got up, balled up my fist and slugged the shit out of him. Then he picked me up and threw me UP the stairs. When I stood up, I was standing on the fourth step. I had a huge golf ball sized knot on my arm and a pretty cut. I got up, he started daring me to hit him again but I called George instead. I asked him if he could come over and make Bryant leave and he said he couldn't legally make him leave then I started crying, and he asked what was wrong and I told him. He said he'd be right over, then I called the police, again, and they sent somebody out. By the time George got here Bryant had gone. I go tomorrow and get all my stuff and we'll see what happens with that. This is the second incident on file in less than two months so hopefully something will be done. So I get to miss another day of work tomorrow due to Bryant's ignorant ass.

Thursday is Climmie's birthday and Mada & I are going to take her out. That should be fun. I'm going to go get some flowers and take them to her place of work that morning so she can have them on her desk and have people ask her who sent her flowers and such.

I need to get going, have some stuff to do.

--OUCH!!!
Janett

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Date: Wednesday ,September 7, 2005
Time: 5:38 p.m. EST
Current Conditions: Partly Cloudy , 83° (feels like 85°)
Music: James Bonamy | I Don't Think I Will
Mood: Totally Empty (still)

It's been five long grueling days and the pain is no better. I still cry in the mornings but it gets real bad at night. I was able to sleep some this afternoon for about an hour and I woke up reaching out beside me to nothing. I still sleep with my teddy. Last night somebody came over here late and I thought it was him coming back. I keep hoping he's going to walk to the door and say "I'm back" or "I do love you" or telling me not to worry that everything was going to be okay. But it is not going to happen and I'm going to have to accept that, somehow. How do I get rid of this pain or make it not hurt so damn much. I still can't eat and as you can tell, I'm not having much luck in the sleeping department either. I haven't worked since Monday, which is for the best for me emotionally I think, but not the best for me financially. I guess I should start attempting to pick up the pieces to my broken heart but I'm so tired of all this. He care(s/d) for me I know it. It was in everything he did, his patience, his demeanor, everything. Jordan woke up last night screaming Rob's name out. How do I make him feel better? I'm suppose to take care of him and I'm having issues with that right now. He's telling me he'll take care of me and for me not to cry, that everything is going to be okay. If I could just hear his voice, God there is so much I want to say to him now. But it's too late.

I decided this morning to join the reserves as well. I've been told it is stupid, immature, and I'm making rash decisions. That I'm going through a lot right now and I don't need to be doing anything stupid. It's something I've always wanted to do but for one reason or another, I've never been able to do it. So it isn't like I just hopped up this morning and said "Hey, I'm going to join the reserves". There is no time like the present so why not. I'd have to go to Lackland AFB in Texas for 6 weeks and then go to Tech school. Not sure which one, guess maybe it would depend on what I wanted to do. I spoke with a recruiter today and next week we're going to start the paperwork. I've got to go take the ASVAB and get a physical done.

After I picked Jordan up from school I took him to Dillon park and talked to him for a little bit. We went walking around and this man passed us and he stopped dead in his tracks, turned, looked at me and said "Mom, that's Rob, tell him you love him now". It wasn't Rob. I tried to explain that to him but he wasn't having it so when the guy passed us again Jordan pretty much jumped out in front of him and said "ROB, come back". The guy was like excuse me. I just said that I was sorry, he thought you were somebody else and moved on.

My pastor came by today and said there was a party I was invited to tonight. I don't feel much for being around groups of people but maybe it would help with the situation. I don't know how frequently I'm going to be writing in here for now because all I have to talk about is Rob and how much I hurt. It's pity I know, but I can't help it. I can't help how my heart feels. So if I don't write in here or write much in here, that's why. If you want an example of how pathetic this is here goes. Last time he was here he bought Cherry Coke, and pizzas. Every time I open the fridge or freezer I see them and think of him. I can't sit on the couch because every time he came over here the first thing he did, usually, after a long hug and a kiss, he'd go lay on the couch or sit on the couch. I can't sleep in the bed because that was our bed, he laid there and held me now when I lay there, nothing. I should have known something was up. This past Saturday morning when I woke up he was holding me tight. I miss him so much. I might give him a week or two and call and see how he's fairing down there. Or maybe I should just let him go. I have no idea.

--So empty...
Janett

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I guess you could say it's official, it's all over. I talked to Rob last night or yesterday evening and he said that was it, it's over. I asked the question and he answered. I haven't been to sleep yet and drove to Manning this morning for an appointment to get checked out and for them to take the necessary steps if need be to remove anything that was left. I was told from the looks of things everything had passed but the good news is you can start trying again immediately. I cried, again. I never knew a person could cry so much. Where do all the tears come from? I swear I look like I've aged 50 years in one night.

I was told last night that as many as 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage but many women don't know it because a lot of them happen before they even know they're pregnant. That's a scary thought. Also ready that a woman may experience many emotions including numbness, sadness, guilt, difficulties concentrating, depression and anger. The great majority of women who have had one miscarriage will go on to have a successful pregnancy the next time, as will 60 to 70 percent of those who have experienced two or three losses.

Carly just called, wanted to check on me and scolded me for still crying. I'm getting mixed reviews about stuff. Brady isn't helping much. He was messing around with me Sunday and the Monday Rob tells me what Brady was saying and maybe he's right. I'll never know. I wish to hell I could get straight answers from people.

I went to the Station this morning after my appointment and was looking for Josephine but saw George instead and went and bought some stuff and there was a guy behind making a noise and George looked at him then I heard an "unh". I turned around and asked him if I could help him with something and he replied with "how about a phone number" I wished I had that card that lady gave me that had the number to mental health on it. I sure as hell would have given it to him. I told him I didn't think so, then he goes here I'll pay for that. I looked and George and said I don't believe this and walked out.

I've been scrounging the internet for some stuff to show how I'm feeling, possibly somebody has put in to words how I feel. I've found some profound stuff.

*Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
*Hearts are not had as a gift, But hearts are earned
*The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you.
*There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go.
*Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.
*Love never dies a natural death.
It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source.
It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals.
It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.
*Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.
*Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there.
*There is love of course. And then there's life, its enemy.
*The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.

I guess t hat about sums it up for now. I've been told there is a reason for all this, there's suppose to be a reason for everything. As with everything, I don't see it. I don't see why my Mom had to die when she did, I don't see why I lost Josh, I don't see why I lost Jordan, I don't see why I lost my baby, and I don't see why I lost Rob. Everybody's like you'll be alright, you're strong. A person can only take so much. Maybe, just maybe when Rob comes back, he'll look me up or maybe even call me while he's there.

Rob, if you are reading this please take care of yourself, don't do anything stupid, and keep your head up and your belly button clean. Had to through in something to try and lighten the mood. Know that I never said anything to you that I did not mean.

I dont' know if any of you guys listen to country music but I think my theme song is Kenny Chesney's "The Tin Man". That's exactly how I feel, yet once again in this life. I guess the joy of knowing that is I'm not a rude, stuck up bitch. I have feelings and emotions andI hurt just like everybody else. The bad thing, I lost my wall and it's time to rebuild. There is a reason I don't let people close to me. When am I suppose to enter the "angry" phase? Does this come after I torch everything? "burn" him out of my memory? Impossible.

There are some people coming to look at the house and it's a mess so I should go clean some. I'm out.

--Love begins with a smile, grows with
a kiss and ends with a tear drop..
Janett

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Date: Monday ,September 5, 2005
Time: 2:11 pm EST
Current Conditions: Partly Cloudy , 82° (feels like 83°)
Music: Keith Whitley | Don't Close Your Eyes
Mood: Flustered, Sad, Needing Sleep

Alright well here's the deal. This was suppose to be a big weekend for us, but the Military happened. I know I shouldn't bitch, I have no right, it's selfish, greedy, and downright wrong. Is it really? Seems like I'm losing out on a lot this week. Got one in heaven and one leaving for his duty calling. It doesn't just seem like he's going away for a few months, it seems like good-bye. I'm really really confused. I went and talked to Caywood before I went and met with Rob this morning and he was attempting to reassure me that everything was going to be alright, wish I could say I felt the same.

I talked to Shane last night via telephone for a few brief minutes and then through e-mail for about an hour or so. I have hurt him and for that I'm sorry. I don't like hurting people as I am usually on the receiving end of that. It's something that I would never do on purpose to anybody, no matter how mad they make me or how much they piss me off. I do apologize, Shane, for everything.

Yesterday I went to Carly's and stayed out there for a good while. We went around and looked at houses and stuff. There is one that she really likes and it's beautiful. It set in what looks like a little hollowed out space between the hills and it's set almost directly in the middle of it. I keep telling her she should call and see how much it is. As for selling houses and such, I've got an offer on my house. I was thinking about accepting but right now I don't know what to do. Possibly I'll know more tonight. Who the hell knows.

I should be getting my test scores back before to long. I've made my mind up. If my scores are low, like in the 70's and maybe even possibly under 85%, I'm going to ditch the postal service and go find something else. I could always get a job and go back to school. I've been wanting to do that for a while but with work and all that stuff it hasn't been possible. Maybe now I can. I need something stable and the United States Postal Service just isn't cutting it. It's as unstable as, nevermind, I'm not going to say that.

I was going to voice my thoughts on Hurricane Katrina but I think that's best left for another day. I did, however, hear somebody compare it to God destroying Sodom and Gomorrah. I'm not going to say anything about that either. I've donated some money but would like to do something more, this coming from a person who's bitching about somebody going to help right? Lord, help. Anyways, gave some through the Bush/Clinton Katrina Fund and I'm going to give some through the Christian Reformed World Relief Committee. I was going to do something for the Red Cross but with all that mess that happened with September 11th I'm not sure about that. I remember there was a lot of stink about where the money went. I don't have TV so I haven't been able to keep up with what's going on over there other than through the internet via news clips and stories that I've read.

I've added a new daily read to your left, Ron's blog. I mentioned him and/or his blog the last time I wrote and I strongly suggest you guys check him out. He's good. :-/ But I've stated that already.

Whelp it's time for me to go back to my doldrum.

--Brown Eyed Girl
Janett

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Date: Saturday,September 3, 2005
Time: 1:45 pm EST
Current Conditions: Fair , 84° (feels like 85°)
Music: U2 | One Love
Mood: -----

For once, it's a beautiful day here in Mayesville, South Carolina. I'm not going to lie about that. Tonight it's suppose to be a cool 65. I can't wait for that. Let me apologize to my "faithful" readers for keeping you in the dark for like what, three long boring dreadful days with nothing but the same post. For shame, woe is me. I went into work this morning, which went okay. I slept great last night and it's probably a good thing. I came home and Rob had to leave, made me a little sad but I didn't cry. For some reason I was expecting it. The other weird thing is I actually had plans for us tonight, perhaps that's because I knew they'd fall through even before I ever came back home. It isn't his fault and I don't blame him for it either. That's the military life. My dad was suppose to come down for a visit today and told me he had changed his mind, no surprise there. I guess I'll go to church in the morning, I was planning on it anyways. Just thought I would point that out. Jackie's party is tomorrow, I was hoping Rob would go with me and Mada was gonna ride out with us, now he's gone and I'm willing to bet $100.00 (that I don't have) that Mada's going to back out on me!

I've been playing Dominos at Pogo. I don't know why. I use to never play games online. I'm thinking that it's perhaps because I have nothing better to do. I'm hoping I have a somewhat decent paycheck next week. I got some hours, don't remember how many, of overtime so that should be good.

Alright I, apparently, lied. It's either that or the longer I sit here in the house alone, I get a little sad but it's alright. I was told that you get use to it. I'm use to being alone though, even after being married for 6 years and having somebody there (in presence terms anyways). I think it's more of having somebody that I WANT to be around, not have to or feel like I have to anyways. I can't speak for him, and have learned not to speak for the other party, but as for myself, there is something there, not sure what it is. I was talking to Carly last night and she says he was "sent" to me. She also suggests that I talk to him about some other things such as his feelings. I've attempted that before and didn't get much of an answer. I did get an answer yes, but it wasn't much of one as I said before and no, I'm not saying that because I want to hear something he isn't feeling, I'd just like a little more info is all. When I get up the nerve to ask a question related to something like that, I'm looking for answers not what I consider "empty" answers.

I just heard it through the grapevine that Christy hopes Rudy purpose and they get married on the cruise at the beginning of the year they're going on. She said if he didn't purpose that she was ending it with him. My thoughts...ABOUT DAMN TIME! I'm out. I"m updating my 360, writing Ron back and then I'm finding something to do. I'm not sitting here all day by myself again.

--I'm in Love & Always Will be...
Janett