Checkmate!
Wufei; ~jerks in surprise, examines board~ Onna! How did you do that?
Face it Wuchan, you suck at chess.
Wufei; ~starts furiously putting pieces back in place~ Moichido!
[trans=>one more time]
~sighs~ All right. But this is the last game, Wuchan.
Wufei; Stop calling me that, Onna!
^_^
The Fans Want to Know
off season
a.k.a. 'Duo in Wonderland'
Duo wakes up in bed with the sun shining through the window. No, Seishirou is not in bed with him. Duo wipes at his eyes with the back of his arm and blinks blearily at the clock. Then his eyes grow huge as he grabs the clock and freaks out.
Duo; AUGH! DAMMIT!! I'm SO LATE!!
Duo runs around the room, grabbing his school uniform, falling over while trying to put his socks on... when he lands on his head something occurs to him.
Duo; Waaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit a minute! I've done this be-- hmm... if I slow down, then I won't meet with Usagi and end up in that crazy place again. heheheheh... Tooooooooo bad Seishirou... THIS God of Death is too clever for you.
Duo gets up chuckling and notices his reflection in the mirror, he sees there that his hair is STILL out of it's wonderful trademark braid.
Duo; ~makes face~ Darn Soi...
Duo sits at the mirror and begins primping. He brushes his long silky hair, he teases his bangs, and then starts to braid it. After completing the braid, he leans towards the mirror and compliments his reflection.
Duo; You, are one handsome devil. I mean it.
The reflection smiles and then sticks his tongue out at him. Duo blinks and steps back. Allofasudden his reflection emerges partially from the mirror and takes Duo's face in his hands. Mirror-Duo kisses Duo full on the lips. Duo freaks out. Mirror-Duo pulls the struggling Duo into the mirror and, you guessed it, Duo begins to fall once on the other side of the mirror.
**
Hiiro; ~monotone~ Oh look. It's a butterfly.
Tasuki; Where?
Primera; ~lands on Hiiro's head~ Butterfly? I'm a pixie, dammit, Spandex Boy!
Hiiro; Whatever.
Tasuki; Saa... and a very beautiful pixie at that!
Primera; Oh-hoho. Anyway. I was looking for MY Lantis! He went out last night with that rotten Hikaru last night and he hasn't come back!
Tasuki; Hikaru? ~laughs~ Aw, no! no! Lantis went out with Eagle last night! Yeah! they came for drinks with Nuri and I!
Primera; ~sniffle~
Tasuki; I think they ended up in some unwritten yaoi fic somewhere after Nuri and I left for ours.
Primera; ~bursts into tears and flies off~
Hiiro; I think you broke her heart.
Tasuki; ~blinks~ Ah well.
**
Duo lands on his head in a field of flowers.
Duo; OW!! Why can't I land on my ass or something?
Duo gets up and notices a sign engraved on some funky looking piece of modern art.
Duo ~reading~ dnalrorrim ot emoclew... dnalrorrim ot emoclew... What the hell does that mean? ~considers sign some more~ dnalrorrim... dnalrorrim... ~turns his head sideways~ What is this? Chinese or something? Where's Wufei when you need him, I tell you! Or Arabic? Darn Quatre, where's he? DAMMIT! I'm AMERICAN!! I only know ENGLISH!! and Japanese cuz I'm in a Japanese show... dnalrorrim ot emoclew... is it Canadian maybe?
[you'll notice that Hiiro understood the sign immediately]
Sally; It's backwards.
Duo; Backwards? What language is-- ohhh.... ~reads~ wel-come-to-mi-rror-la-nd. Welcome to Mirrorland! oh no.
Duo turns around and seizes up at the sight of Sally in the now customary revealing leather number, with spikes no less, and with large bat wings to compliment her lovely outfit.
Duo; S-S-S-SALLY?!?!!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?
Sally; ~smile~ Onamae wa?
Duo; ~deflates~ Duo desu.
Sally; Duo? That's a cute name.
Sally flies forward and gathers Duo into her arms. Carting the protesting Duo, she takes to the skies.
Duo; Sally? What are you doing with bat wings? You're too nice for those. *I* deserve bat wings. And where are we going? To your little S&M love nest, I suppose. Shouldn't you be abducting Wufei like this? Better not be back to that crazy queen. Lick her boots... AS IF! What kind of twisted sex-crazed psychopath... ~trails off~ Heeeyyy... the ground... it's above my head... and the sky is... beneath my feet? How did THAT happen? Am I falling? All the blood isn't rushing to my head... is it zero-g? no..... ~whine~ this is weird.... Hey. Sally? Let me go, k?
Sally; ~keeps flying~
Duo; Let me go! Lemmegolemmegolemmego!!! AHH! I don't wanna be here! I don't wanna have sex with you Sally! Frankly right now I don't want to have sex with ANYONE!! Let me go!
Duo struggles and squirms his way out of Sally's grip. He begins to fall towards the sky. Sally shrugs and continues on.
Duo; ~nervous titter~ I'm falling towards the sky... great... eventually I'll end up in outer space and DIE! ~lands~ ooof!
Duo gets up and rubs at his sore butt.
Duo; Guess I got what I asked for.
Xellos; Ohaiyo Gozaimasu. ~grin~
Duo; Rilina?
Xellos; ~grin~
Duo; Oh, you're not Rilina.
Xellos; Onamae wa? ~grin~
Duo; ~heavy sigh, mumbles~ Duo desu.
Xellos; Ah. That is a cute name. Boku wa Xellos desu. ~grin~
[trans=> I am Xellos. because Xellos is male he uses 'boku' as opposed to 'watashi']
Duo; ~nervous titter~ Is that so?
A chair floats down and picks Duo up. He floats to one side of the space he and Xellos are in. It's only then that he realizes that the floor he landed on is checker-board in black and white. Four walls made of mirrors come down to encompass the square floor. From somewhere outside these walls, comes the distant sound of a laugh.
Duo; What was that?
Xellos; Ah, that was Naga. She is playing chess as well. ~grin~
Duo; chess?
Xellos; She's not very good, so her game is taking longer than planned due to a constant stalemate. I was visiting Beastmaster Zellassama's sister Humpty Dumptysama when you dropped in and she asked me to mediate your game. ~grin~
Duo; ~looks around~ So.... you'll be playing against me?
Xellos; nonono.... I'll be the mediator. Your opponent will be him. ~grin~
Xellos points to the opposite side of the enclosure at another chair, in which sits--
Duo; YOU!!!!
-- Mirror-Duo.
From out of nowhere... I guess... walk the 'chess pieces.' (no, not the same nowhere that houses Rilina-door) All of them female, each one is clearly marked as a certain piece, either pawn, or rook, or knight, or bishop, or queen, or king.
Duo; um... Xellossan... I don't really know this game all that well....
Xellos; Yare yare... you'll do fine. Now then, the rules of the game. You will play for the allotted time, at the end, the loser has to take off his clothes.
Duo; N-nani?!
Xellos; ~raises staff into air~ Ikimasu!
[trans=> a polite way of saying 'go']
Duo; ... but I like my clothes ~sweatdrop~
**
Hiiro trips and falls flat on his face.
Tasuki; Hm? Oi, Hiiro, your shoes untied.
Hiiro says nothing, but gets up on one knee and begins to re-tie his shoe.
Quatre; Sumimasen...
Hiiro; Hm? You hear that?
Tasuki; What?
Quatre; Sumimasen!
Hiiro looks down and realizes he's kneeling on an iddy-biddy Quatre.
Trowa; ~emerges from grass, he is also iddy-biddy~ Quatre!
Quatre; Trowa!
Trowa; Sumimasen. But could you please get off my friend?
Hiiro; Oh, sorry Quatre. ~gets off~
Quatre; That's okay.
Tasuki peers at iddy-biddy Quatre.
Tasuki; Are you sure you're okay? He's a lot bigger than you.
Quatre; No really, I'm fine, but I think I got this tear in my pants, see? right on the inner thigh... see? see?
Iddy-biddy Quatre leaps to Tasuki's face, urging him to look at his inner thigh.
Tasuki; Wak!
Trowa; Quatre, stop teasing Tasuki.
Quatre; okay. ~winks at Tasuki~
Quatre leaps down to Trowa and the two become very, ah, amorous.
Hiiro; Quatre's fine. Let's go, Tasuki.
Trowa; You can stay and join us if you like.
Quatre; Yeah, join us.
Tasuki; But you're so tiny, how would I?
Hiiro; Let's. Go. Tasuki.
Tasuki; Hey, Hiiro, you got anymore of that tea?
Hiiro; omae o korosu.
**
Duo is frantically examining the chess board, trying to recall any rules of the game. Any at all. Finally he remembers something. Pointing at a random 'piece' he states,
Duo; Pawn! Forward one!
Mirror-Duo; Pawn. Forward one.
Duo; ~decides to go with it~ Pawn. Forward one!
Mirror-Duo; Pawn. Take the white pawn.
Duo; How'd I end up with the white pieces? Is this Seishirou's doing?
The black pawn runs to the white pawn and slaps her across the face. The white pawn falls to the ground and her clothing disappears. She runs from the board in tears.
Duo; O.O ~points at Xellos~ You really meant that 'no clothes' thing, didn't you?
Xellos; ~grin~
Duo; ~ponders this~ If the loser of this game has to take off his clothes, and I'm playing myself... then no matter what I'm gonna have to take my clothes off. But I don't want to take my clothes off, so I'll win. But if I win he'll have to take his clothes off and he's me. ~sweatdrop~ aw mannnn... I can't win!
Xellos; Time is running out. ~grin~
Duo; Oh! Uh... uhh.......... bishop, move to E4!
Mirror-Duo; Knight, take the white bishop.
The black knight runs up and whips the white bishop. Her clothes disappear and she leaves in disgrace.
Duo; Cut that out! I'm losing... I think... I'm gonna have to strip... but if I do figure out a way to win, then he'll have to strip and he's me...
**
Inu Yasha; ~storms in~ Where the hell is Kagome?
Subaru; Uh...
Kagome; SIT!
Inu Yasha slams into the ground.
Inu Yasha; Kagome! What the f--?!
Kagome emerges from the shadows in a leather number she borrowed from the Bondage Queen of Hearts. She has a whip, also borrowed from the Queen.
Kagome; I am not Kagome to you! You must call me JO'OOSAMA!!!
Inu Yasha; NANI?! Kagome?!
Kagome; ~cracks whip~ Call me Jo'oosama!
Subaru; ~face goes red and he turns away to give them some semblance of privacy~
***
[Just when you think this fic can't get any stranger...]
[Written by Inseiko, 2000]