by P.T. Mistlberger
The basic process of development in an average life can be mapped out over the shape of a cross. It begins at the base of the cross, which is represented as an original event in time, in which we experience invalidation. This occurs at a certain point in the life of every infant or toddler where total freedom of expression is curtailed in some way. Prior to that, we have basically been living in a kind of Eden where total allowance of expression, and command of attention of the surrounding caretaking adults, is the condition. We live as miniature gods, our parents fascinated and loving, curious and attentive to our every needs. (Obviously, this is not always the case, and in many more painful existences, abandonment, rejection, or abuse is experienced almost from the beginning). *********************
The point at which repeated invalidation, or disapproval, of how we are expressing ourselves is experienced, marks the onset of the awareness of rejection. We live through the jolting and impacting process of direct confirmation from our all-powerful caretakers that we are somehow erring, or lacking something, or doing something wrong that is upsetting, annoying, or offending them. We are, quite clearly, no longer completely lovable just for being who and what we are. Something is wrong, we have gone astray we are flawed and, by extension, guilty.
This guilt does not, of course, initially exist as an idea, but more profoundly, as the beginning of a sense of unworthiness. Of course, there will be infinite gradations of how this is experienced amongst all young ones, but without exception all learn the painful lesson that they are no longer being unconditionally loved. The child has now realized, by virtue of repeated experiences, that they are capable of incurring disapproval, that limitations on expression are being imposed, and more troublesome, that an awareness of their own powerlessness is growing.
The intense frustration of the powerlessness, combined with the repeated rejections, gives rise to the awareness of emotional pain. In Eden, there may have been physical pain on occasion, but unbroken awareness of being unconditionally loved was present. With rejection and emotional pain, a new element has entered. As the pain is felt more acutely each time (often accompanied by temper tantrums or crying outbursts, which are attempts to discharge the pain), the awareness of the Core Wound grows. This Wound is, in fact, of an order far beyond what we are initially aware of, but the new experience of conditional love (as opposed to unconditional), facilitates us into direct awareness of it.
Pain, by its very nature, is painful. In time, we may learn that to resist emotional pain solves nothing and in fact worsens it, but in the beginning, our main concern is how not to feel this pain. Thus, we begin to look for ways out, for tricks and devices to escape what we are feeling.
The anticipation of the pain is anxiety. As such, it exists only as a projected thought into the future. With this, anticipation actually enhances our awareness of time, helping to make us time-conscious. And from this begins the relationship with time as something that serves to stir up memories of what was about to come, every time we were found wanting, or disapproved of for something. By remembering what happened before, we learn to anticipate negative experiences.
The anxiety, pain, and awareness of the Core Wound, propels us into an action that is essentially unavoidable. Fearful of the power of our caretakers, and increasingly aware of our own limitations, we slowly begin to develop the ability to be inauthentic. In other words, our outer personality, our persona (Greek for mask), begins to develop. This process usually begins between the ages of 2 and 5, roughly paralleling the development of language skill, though the seeds of it can begin much earlier, in some cases from birth. (We speak here of the direct experience of invalidation. All beings experience the effects of the Core Wound with the physical birth trauma, but direct, consistent awareness of it only occurs with the development of the outer personality).
The mask or surface personality is essentially a reaction to pain, and an attempt at disguising, managing, and repressing the anxiety that goes with it. This becomes the habitual face that we show the world. It continues to grow and strengthen through childhood and adolescence, becoming solidified by young adulthood. At that point, full identification with it has occurred, with all the associated limitations that such identification entails (reactivity, insecurity, fear, etc.). In other words, the pure, pristine consciousness that is our Original Nature has become attached to, or identified with, the personality, a key aspect of which is the physical body.
The points of the original event, rejection, pain, and awareness of Core Wound, all occur, on our symbolic cross-map, on the uprising base. As the Wound is experienced, the mask is born, but not only that so also, is birthed the shadow, or hidden personality. This is because of the natural law of action-reaction, or the creation of opposites. The shadow, or dark side, becomes a repository for those elements of our outer mask that are in direct opposition to it, and which we have learned to reject, precisely because direct expression of them always led to rejection/pain.
Symbolically, the shadow can be seen as the left hand or side of the horizontal line on the cross. (Appropriate, given the connotations of the left in Western culture). The mask or surface personality is the right hand, or right side of the horizontal line. Another way of imagining this is as the mask being just that, a mask on the face with the shadow or hidden personality being a mask on the back of the head, the aspect of ourselves that others see, but which we are usually blind to. This is something like the dual mask worn by the ancient Roman god named Janus.
Cultivating awareness of both mask and shadow takes time, diligence, commitment, and ideally, a group of fellow travelers on the journey of awakening.
In time, as awareness of these two aspects grows, the ability both have to create suffering in our lives begins to weaken. The reason being, that with the growth in awareness of both mask and shadow comes also the growth in awareness of the Heart (or True Self). This Self is fundamentally pure witnessing consciousness. Like a spotless mirror, it simply reflects, but in itself cannot be touched or distorted in any fashion. And, this Self this mirror is the very quintessence of both Freedom and Love.
All "inner Work" revolves around developing the ability to both see and directly experience what is held within us good, bad, or ugly though as is seen in time, these are just categorizations of the mind. Eventually, all is seen to be but an arising of "stuff", having no meaning in and of itself, except in terms of how much we identify with it. And thus, we say "not good, not bad, just is."
In time, we develop the ability to bear witness to the various reactions and manifestations of the ego-mind (and its expressions as mask and shadow), without being caught into identifying with them, i.e. without falling asleep and forgetting who we really are. To learn to dis-identify is the beginning of getting free of the contracted, limited, sleeping state of separation-consciousness.
Over time, our ability to bear witness grows stronger. This "bearing witness" does not at all mean to not feel. There is no denial or repression involved. However, neither is there indulgence in exaggerated expression (drama). Rather, there is direct awareness of the feeling (or thought or sensation or intuition) that is arising, and the penetration to what is beneath or behind the initial feeling (or thought, etc.).
On the cross diagram, the apex at the top of the cross, termed Insight, represents this point in our development where we learn to bear witness to, and simply be aware of, both our surface personality (persona) and our hidden shadow (dark side) with the all-important factor of being free of judgment of what we are seeing. As long as we continue to judge aspects of our mask or dark side, we remain in reaction to them, and thus continue to be identified with something that is not what we really are. To the degree that we remain identified with the mask or dark side, is the degree to which we remain controlled by them, and by extension, it is the degree to which we will continue to be controlled by the masks and dark sides of others around us.
Sometimes such "direct awareness", free of judgment, of our mask and shadow, may indeed by coupled with direct expression. However, the awareness to the extent it is present will lend a different quality to what is being expressed. Anger that is infused with awareness, when it expresses, is very different from anger that is unconscious, or reactive. The former is true passion, the latter is only attack. Passion serves unity, and attack serves separation. True passion feels deeply, but is not identified with the false. Attack also feels deeply, but is identifying with something that it is mistaking as real.
Grief that is also aware is soft and authentic, simply a let-go, a release, natural. Grief that is unconscious is victim-based, self-pitying, and is more a form of disguised attack, often expressed for the intent of manipulating others.
Fear that is also conscious is more truly excitement, a strong rush of pure energy that wants to express. Fear that is unaware is inwardly contracting, mistrustful, and righteous in its assertion that we must either attack, control, or avoid in order to preserve its position. (At this point, it should be pointed out that there is a functional aspect to this sort of fear, as in extreme circumstances that involve a threat to one's physical well-being. However, even there, it is possible to be aware of the fear, and while undertaking whatever physical actions necessary for self-preservation, to still make contact with the center of peace and safety at the core of the intense storm of energy provoked by more extreme forms of fear).
All fear is of the future, and all guilt, grief and anger are of the past. In truth, negative emotions (deriving from fear-based thoughts and belief systems) do not exist in the Present Moment. Thought itself creates time, which the ego-system then uses in the service of separation. Within time, negative thoughts and their corresponding negative feelings/emotions arise -- all based on the concept of limitation (not enough, not good enough, not safe, etc.).
Once Insight has been developed that is, the ability to clearly witness our surface personality and our hidden aspects (dark side) without judgment then we begin to develop a relationship with our Natural State, or the Heart. This point is represented in the diagram as the center of the cross.
The Heart is neither the personality, nor the dark side, but the integrated harmony of the best of both. What this means is that although the Heart is universal and defined by common traits such as love, freedom, peace, compassion, etc., how it expresses these qualities is absolutely unique with each individual. The closest physical analogy is that of a ray of light passing through a prism. The light in this case represents the pure consciousness of the Heart, True Identity, or the Source. The prism is the manifest universe in which the light of the Source is shining through. The individual colors represent the individual expressions of the infinite expanses and eternal radiance of the Source.
Each individual, each being of sentient self-awareness, is a particular color, a unique expression of the light of the Source. Although we know of only a few colors in the visible light portion of the electromagnetic spectrum, in this analogy, there are in fact an infinite number of different colors, all slight different in shading, symbolic of the unique contribution that each conscious entity makes to the unfolding of the cosmos.
And so, an individual awakening to their Heart, and centered in their being, does not somehow lose the apparent individuality of their personality and dark side. Although these latter two do wear down and command less and less attention from others or the Self, the true individuality begins to emerge more and more. The so-called individuality deriving from personality and the dark side is seen to be in time a false individuality, as it was based on identification and reaction, and the defense against pain. As such, the mask and dark side are finally seen to be only strategies designed to protect us and minimize our anxiety levels. They are not who we really are.
Copyright 2001 by P.T. Mistlberger
Over to:
Home