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From: Kat Anderson <brnhilda@GTE.NET> Save Address Block Sender
Reply-To: brnhilda@gte.net
To: RANGER-L@LISTS.PSU.EDU
Subject: Fanfic: Too Sexy (Warning: Heavy R rating...)
Date: Thu, 18 Mar 1999 23:41:54 -1000
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I was deciding whether or not I was going to do something for
Elizabeth's challenge. Then Mauler came online, talking about how
nearly all these "song fanfics" are sad and somber. That decided me,
and after a quick look for lyrics...here we are. Enjoy! (But be
warned, this story may contain scenes and situations unsuitable for
young children and prudes. Viewer discretion is advised.)
Special Thanks go to Elizabeth "fatima" Bales, who found the lyrics for
me, and nearly ruptured herself laughing at the results.
"Too Sexy"
Angus McGee wasn't much to look at. A skinny 5 foot 1, he was
the
90-pound weakling personified. Classic hack literature would cast him
as a brilliant geek, inventing amazing gadgets. Unfortunately for
Angus, he wasn't a character in classic hack literature. He was a
below-average intelligence thug working as a low-level courier for a
smuggling ring. Normally, he was so low-level he escaped everyone's
notice.
That was before he started carrying stolen starstones for the
local
mob, however. His boss had thought that he'd make the perfect courier
for such hot items. But Angus was totally incapable of keeping his
mouth shut in a bar. Now, everyone and his great-aunt Petunia knew
about him, his boss, and what they were dealing in.
A smarter class of thug would have figured out that this was
unhealthy,
and vanished for a few months. Angus wasn't that smart. Doc found him
chatting it up in a joint called "The Enigma Caf=E9", which seemed to
cater to the pretentious. A blowsy, bleached blond hung on Angus's arm,
giving the impression that every word he spoke sent her into ecstasy.=20
Angus was so busy taking peeks down her dress that he didn't notice the
fully uniformed Ranger until Doc tapped him on the shoulder.
"Angus McGee? You're under arrest for suspicion of..." Doc was
cut off
as Angus shrieked, threw his beer stein in the ranger's face, and bolted
for the door. The blond was unceremoniously dumped to the floor, where
she started to wail.
"Sorry, miss. Excuse me!" Doc leaped over her, and ran after
Angus.=20
The patronage watched them go, shrugged, and went back to their drinks.
*Good one, Hartford,* he chided himself. *You could have
figured that
a guy that small in this line of work would be a good runner.* He
pounded after the perp, gamely trying to close the distance between
them. As luck would have it, there was no traffic, leaving the way open
and clear. He figured he had a decent chance of outlasting him.
Still, just in case... "Niko!" he barked into his com. "Angus
is
trying to break the record for the 100 yard dash down Fun Row. Headed
south. Can you head him off?"
"I'll try," she responded. Thirty seconds later, she appeared
at the
end of the street, running straight for Angus. McGee looked at her,
looked behind him, and darted through a doorway on his left, ducking
past the bouncer. Enraged, the man pursued him in. Doc followed.
Music thumped in his ears, and bright spotlights blinded him.=20
Disoriented, he stopped, and tried to get his bearings. Over the music,
he could hear the sounds of women...squealing?
I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt. So sexy it hurts...The
song was archaic, and resounded in the bar. No, wait, it wasn't exactly
a bar, it was...
*Oh _shit_.*
"Ooo, come to arrest all of us naughty girls, officer?" cooed a
trio of
ladies at the foot of the stage. The stage he was standing on. In
front of hundreds of women...
"C'mon, shake that booty, sugar!" another woman shouted. Doc
started
backing away.
"Oh dear, the officer is shy. Let's help him, girls," an exotic
looking woman shouted, climbing onto the stage with him. He turned to
bolt back out, only to be faced with a *gorgeous* Asian woman.
"How about a little Disco dancing, beautiful?" she cooed,
pulling off
his hat. Two women grabbed him from behind, and started to pull his
shirt off.
I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk.
Yeah on the catwalk On the catwalk yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk...
"Ladies, normally I would be delighted, but..." Doc broke free,
and
leaped off the stage, narrowly missing a table on the way down.=20
Frantically, he looked for McGee. The bouncer seemed to be bodily
shaking him at the counter across the room. Doc started for him.
And I am too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat.
Poor pussy poor pussy cat...
A large felinenoid woman stepped in front of him, whiskers
arched
forward. "Come to dance, Loverboy?" she purred.
"Um, actually..." he started. A shout behind him interrupted.
"I've got his handcuffs! Time for a citizen's arrest!" A large
group
of women mobbed him, cooing suggestively. Short of assault, he could
see no way out.
*Zach's gonna kill me...*
I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love.
Love's going to leave me...
"I leave you alone for all of ten minutes, and you end up over
your
head. Do you have any idea how this is going to look on the report?"
"I don't suppose I can ask you to leave this part out?" he asked
Niko
from his prone position. Frowning, he peered into the rafters. Was
that a pair of underwear he saw riding the ceiling fan..?
"That might be hard to do, considering that the bouncer here
detained
our suspect, and signed a sworn statement detailing the events of the
arrest. Including the riot over you." Niko sounded vastly amused.
Doc sighed, and closed his eyes. "Okay. Can I ask you to do
something
else for me, then?"
"What?"
"Could you find my pants?"
And I am too sexy for this song.
-End-
--=20
-Kat-
http://www.oocities.org/Area51/Zone/8691/
http://www.fortunecity.com/tattooine/falcon/5/
http://www.crosswinds.net/honolulu/~bruinhilda/galaxyrangers/sounds.html