An Interview with Eugene Victor Tooms

IWAXF requested an interview with the recurring X-Files
anti-hero Eugene Victor Tooms. He agreed to meet with us at a
location of his choosing which is how IWAXF found themselves hiking
into the bowels of an underground catacomb away from all the light
and sound typifying the outside world. The location was to be kept
secret to protect the rights of a man who values his privacy and
requires his beauty sleep.
IWAXF: Well, the question on everyone's mind is probably "How
could you still be alive?", so I'll get that out of the way first. Do
tell...
Tooms: That's an easy one. Anyone who watches the X-Files
should know that just because they lead you to believe a character is
dead, doesn't mean it's actually the case. My situation in
particular...did anyone SEE the body? I don't think so. The fact of
the matter is, Mulder thought I was dead because he saw what he
thought was blood on the escalator stairs. Ketchup.
IWAXF: Ketchup?
Tooms: Yeah, ketchup. It was a mall, afterall, and the
escalator was adjacent to the food court. I guess a careless patron
dropped a packet or two on the escalator and since Mulder "wanted to
believe", he just assumed I was a goner. I'm here to tell him it
ain't so.

IWAXF: You know, Mulder didn't seem too happy when you came
busting out of your nest.
Tooms: Man was he pissed. I think he was mostly ticked off
that I got bile all over his nice Armani suit. You'd think he
couldn't afford to get the thing dry cleaned. But I think I did
surprise him. That's the funny thing about those two. Mulder is such
a believer yet can be floored when he finally sees or encounters one
of his "monsters". Scully, on the other hand, keeps her cool pretty
well.
IWAXF: By the way, didn't Mulder say you were supposed to
hybernate for 30 years between liver snacks? What gives?
Tooms: Well, they woke me up and I've been having a bit of
trouble getting back to sleep. Add in the fact that I had to uproot
from my previous home and that pretty much sums it up. The worst part
is that I lost all my stuff.
IWAXF: Oh, yeah. I was wondering why you kept all those
knick-knacks and whether you took the time to dust them.
Tooms: It's kind of fun to pick up a little souvenier of
the kill, ya know? Other than that, I never took the time to make
much of a selection. Just trinkets. And I don't dust them often. Just
every 30 years or so.
IWAXF: You may not have taken much time in choosing trophies
but what about the victims themselves?
Tooms: That was a bit more scripted. I usually just know. I
see someone walking along and it hits me...this is the one. Something
most people don't know or wouldn't guess is that I have real fashion
sense.
IWAXF: Well, you can't blame us for questioning that seeing as
how your work duds weren't exactly the pinnacle of fashion.
Tooms: But a uniform is a uniform. The only chance I had
for individuality was my shoes and I was sporting Doc's. Besides, I
don't have much use for fashionable attire but that doesn't mean I
can't appreciate it or be a critic. And I am quite the critic. I
sometimes pick my victims based on bad fashion sense. It's the
ultimate punishment for bad taste. In fact, if I had required another
victim, Mulder and his silly ties would have been next. Why do you
think I picked that one family man? Did you SEE that heinous blue
trench coat he was wearing? That deserved some response.

IWAXF: What was it like engaging Mulder and Scully in the
chase?
Tooms: It was great. The last time I had been pursued with
such vigor was by that old man in the nursing home. He gave it the
old college try, but he was shut down. Mulder and Scully, on the
other hand, didn't let the brass put them off their pursuit. You've
got to respect that.
IWAXF: It still must have been a bitter pill to swallow, being
handcuffed to a bathtub by Agent Scully.
Tooms: Well, in other circumstances it might not have been
bad! But I slipped their net in the end and, even though they think
I'm a faint memory, WE both know I'm still out there.
IWAXF: So, what do you have to say to all those liver naysayers
out there.
Tooms: If you don't like liver it's just because you
haven't had it the right way. Forget the onions and other attempts to
disguise the real flavor. Let me tell you, a freshly harvested raw
liver is the way to go. Hey, are you okay?
IWAXF: Yeah. Sorry. Just a bit queasy.
Tooms: Well, not everybody is up to liver. Hell, I only do
liver 3 times a century.
IWAXF: So what are your plans for the future?
Tooms: Actually, after I get some sleep, I was thinking of
going into show business. I noticed that there are a lot of
scifi/paranormal shows and movies and I think the roles offered will
be right up my alley. I'm the perfect anti-hero and I could
eventually see myself as the star of my own show.

IWAXF: Do you think the viewing public is ready for that?
Tooms: In 30 years? I think it's possible. I mean I do have
leading man looks.
IWAXF: Well, you certainly had fans from The X-Files. You were
a recurring case for the agents and fans seemed happy to see you
back.
Tooms: Yeah, I'm pretty proud of that. When fans are
rooting for the perceived badguy, that's encouraging. I think people
realized that I wasn't really all bad. It's un-PC to be against a guy
with a genetic defect so I scored allies there. I think that
contingent will be happy to hear I'm still alive and well and ready
to return when fully rested.
IWAXF: Well, thanks for inviting us into your domain. I have to
admit, the smell is a bit hard to take but it's nice and cozy.
Tooms: I don't notice the smell myself but you're right
about cozy. A nest is the way to go. And thank YOU for stopping by to
talk and for bringing along your recycled newspapers. I was nearing
completion of this new masterpiece in nestbuilding and this will help
me finish up. And some parting advice...give liver another try. It's
an acquired taste, but like art, I love it!
November 22, 1997
