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I stepped up to the door and hesitated. What if he didn’t want to talk to anyone? No, he has to listen. I sensed his presence in the Force and knocked.
No answer.
I knocked again. "Come on Corran. I know you’re there. Please. I just want to talk."
He sent me a vision of the door slamming in my face.
I frowned. "Corran, please. Mirax would never forgive me if I didn’t try."
You know how to open the door.
I sighed and, telekinetically unlatching the lock that he had locked from inside, opened the door. The room was dark. I found him huddled on the floor in a corner. I walked over and dropped to the floor in front of him. "Do you realize how much pain you caused me," I asked jokingly.
His voice was darker than the room when he spoke. "Not as much as I have caused myself."
I blinked. He caught me off guard. This was not what I was expecting. I gathered my words carefully before speaking. "We all were gathered in the lounge waiting on word from Luke. Everyone was tense. When you were hurt by Shedao Shai’s staff, I doubled over in pain. Do you know who the first person to me was? My nephew, Jagged. I would have thought one of the other Jedi, the Solo children or even Wedge would have gotten to me first. But no, it was someone furthest from me. At least furthest in the Force.
"As he helped me up, I stretched out to you. I knew you were about to kill him. I felt it Corran. I felt what you did and how you did it. I know." I stopped, tears welling in my eyes.
After a long silence he spoke. "I didn’t do it to save Ithor like I said. I had convinced myself that was why, but I lied. I lied to myself and everyone else. I did it to avenge Elegos. Did you see what they did to him?" His voice cracked, a tear slid down his cheek.
I shook my head. I had heard from Wedge what it was like, but I hadn’t seen it for myself.
He reached a hand out towards the oblong object sitting next to him. I jumped as the needlelike appendage snaked out to pierce his finger. Corran didn’t flinch. I noticed several cuts on his hand when he brought it back to himself. This wasn’t the first time he had done this.
The object opened. My eyes widened as I saw the skeletal figure inside. Knowing what I would see didn’t prepare me for actually seeing it. My heart quickened and I scrambled back a step or two.
"Do you see now? Do you see why I did it?"
I looked between Corran and Elegos’ skeleton. Elegos had become a strong figure in Corran’s life. He had helped him to save Mirax. He was peaceful. I had talked to him on occasion and always came away feeling better about myself. The Camassi was closer to the Force than any Jedi, myself included. "He knew what he was getting into when he left," I replied quietly.
"We all knew what we were getting into. I just forgot for a moment."
"A moment is all the dark side needs."
He sighed deeply. "I know." He turned to look me in the eyes. I could see how much he was hurting in them. "How do you do it?"
"The same way you have for so long. I deal with my problems in the best way I can. There have been many times I’ve been tempted. What happened on Kanagi is a perfect example. I thought maybe that going to the dark side would be the only way out of the situation. Luckily, my situation deemed it unnecessary. You could be right. Maybe that is what needed to be done for your case. I can’t say. I wasn’t there."
"Kel, it feels wrong. I feel like I have betrayed Elegos. He kept me from the dark side as I searched for Mirax. He’s gone now and I can’t keep my grip on the light."
I looked at him. There was nothing I could say. I knew what he felt and knew that he had to get through it on his own.
"I’m going to renounce myself as a Jedi."
"What?" That caught me off guard.
"Luke doesn’t need a rogue Jedi on his back. What if it happens again? Then where will the Jedi be? I’ve already been deemed a planet killer like Darth Vader and Kyp."
"It wasn’t Vader, it was Tarkin. And Kyp is more of a rogue Jedi than you are."
"Don’t you start. There have been enough excuses. I need time. Time to come to terms with what I did and why I did it. I hope that in that time the Jedi will unite and rejoin the Republic."
"That’ll never happen with Fey’lya in charge. He’d rather the Vong slaughtered every Jedi in existence."
"Maybe not so much now. He’s seen what they are capable of. They killed an entire world in a fraction of a second. I doomed Ithor."
"No, don’t talk like that."
"But it’s true."
I lowered my head as the tears spilled down my cheeks. "No."
"The moment I convinced myself I made the challenge in order to save Ithor was the moment I turned to the dark side. I doomed that planet. I’m very sorry for what I’ve done. But if I stay, the Jedi will be seen as being as bad as the Yuuzhan Vong. We don’t need that."
I sniffed and wiped tears from my eyes. "I don’t have many friends among the Jedi. Most consider me more of a rogue Jedi than anyone else. It’s all because I trained with a Jedi Master. I think that maybe they are jealous. They never agreed with my training the girls myself either. If you leave the Jedi, it will not be alone."
"You can’t leave. With me gone, Luke will be short a strong supporter. Someone needs to take my place."
"You want me to… No. No way. I am the worst replacement you could think of."
"You have a better idea?"
"Sure, there’s Jacen or Ganner. They would be much better than me."
"Jacen is Luke’s nephew and Ganner just saw the light. You really think the others would be convinced with him supporting Luke?"
"Like they would accept me either."
Corran sighed. "Kelly. You have as much, if not more experience than any of us. In some societies, that would make you the leader by seniority. Not in age, but experience."
"But…"
"No ‘buts’ Kel. You are the obvious choice."
"Have you told Luke yet?"
He got quiet. "No," he said finally. "I plan to do that later. I just needed time to figure what I want to do."
"So, what’s your solution?"
"I think it’s time for the kids to go visit their great-grandfather. Mirax and I will buy a house and live on Corellia. I think it will do me good to get back home. Maybe that and a little time will help me come to terms with this. Don’t worry. Maybe I can get the government to take in some of the refugees from other planets. I’m not going to stay completely out of this."
I looked at him. He truly believes what he is doing is right. Maybe it is. I have to wonder what this will do to the Jedi. I just hope I can live up to Corran’s expectations. I guess this is a sort of "passing of the torch" from him to me. There should always be a Corellian Jedi in the ranks. He is making sure there is one.
"Ok," I acquiesced. "You told me about the history of Corellian Jedi. I am one and should continue the tradition in your absence."
Corran smiled and sent me an image of me standing with Luke. We looked triumphant, as if we had just vanquished an awesome foe.
"I like images like that." I pushed myself up from the floor. "Thanks for talking with me Corran. I think I understand things a bit better now."
"I think I do too. Thanks."
Smiling, I turned and walked out the door.