The Animorph Plex - Fan Fiction - The Fear, Part IV

CHAPTER 7 Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill When the others left, Sarah and I were left in an uneasy silence. It was she who broke it. “Do you have a family, Aximili?” she asked. “Other than your brother, I mean. Parents? Other siblings?” I answered slowly. What could she want to know about my family for? <Because of the war, my parents were allowed to have me after they had Elfangor.> “Birth control, huh? Happens a lot, when races get overcrowded.” I said nothing. “I have a sister and a brother. My brother’s older than me. He’s darker than me, too. A lot darker. Like my dad. My sister and I - we’re twins. Her name’s Kelly. That’s why I said most people call me Kelly. She isn’t like me. She’s popular, and likes to be with a lot of people. Not me. I’ve always been a loner. I’ve never trusted anyone. I never even trusted Kelly, not after... after Udrak. Not after I became a Controller. I was afraid they’d take her, if she found out. I helped found the Sharing, you know.” Of course I did not know that! <How was this?> I asked, keeping my voice as neutral as I could. “Proving my worth.” She sighed. She still held Udrak in her palm, but now she was stroking it gently with her finger. “Visser One was still in charge then. She had a different host, then - I don’t remember what it was. She was studying as much human culture as she could before she tried becoming one. She had learned that humans often don’t condemn children for their actions because they are not supposed to know better. She asked me what it would take to lure children into being Controllers. We told her how I was a loner, how I had become a Girl Scout to meet people. To do stuff. To be more than just another face, to be somebody. She liked that. She asked me how we might improve the idea. The first thing that came to mind was ‘no merit badges’.” She chuckled without humor. “The idea grew over the years. We started the Sharing a couple years ago - not what it is now, but a normal club. Only one Controller works through it. From there, we learned exactly what to do when we began a branch here, by the Yeerk pool.” <Why was the Yeerk pool built here?> I asked. She shrugged. “The middle of nowhere, I guess. Easy access to the ocean and many important installations, but relatively low-key. It would have been stupid to build it under a big city, where there’d be sewers to breach and stuff. We needed someplace small, but not too small. Somewhere that it would go unnoticed. After that they drew straws or something. Dumb luck, pretty much. At least, as far as I know. Udrak has some connections, but only among his fellow nobodies. Like Iranu. Better known as Kelly.” I looked at her sharply. She smiled blandly. “That’s why I lost it, friend. Why I snapped at the Hork-Bajir. Called him... well, never mind what I called him. They took Kelly last week. At the Sharing. They made her a ‘full member’. “The Council isn’t stupid - they insist that Controllers that must face each other day in, day out be friendly acquaintances, if not actual friends. Not only does it make it less likely that they’d get into an argument and give themselves away, but it’s psychological, too. A friend to talk to. That’s why they put Iranu Two-Nine-Four-Seven into Kelly. Because Iranu and Udrak get along. Iranu knows about us. She swore we’d get caught, just like Aftran did. But she helped us where she could. As far as I know, Kelly isn’t too beaten down. Iranu just keeps her in line, keeps her from revealing that she’s a Controller and does her speel for the Sharing and stuff. Iranu gets her work done, and lets Kelly do anything that doesn’t defeat that purpose. Iranu’s a sympathizer, like us. She just isn’t as radical as Udrak is.” Her expression turned sad. “At night, Kelly and I were always free. We’d stare at each other and whisper to each other. Kelly hates not having control of what she says. She doesn’t hate Iranu. She understands that Iranu is scared. A lot of us are scared.” Then she sort of chuckled again, the same sad sound that seemed to be a chuckle, but did not seem in the least bit happy. It sounded more like she was trying not to cry. “Listen to me. ‘Were always free.’ I sound...” Her voice trailed away. She was staring at something I did not see, with a different sort of blank look on her face. It was not as if she was listening to something else while she was with me, but more like she was aware of something else that I was not, and unaware of me. “I sound like I’ll never see her again,” she said quietly. Then she straightened, the same resolved look that had crossed her face as when Udrak had abandoned its host and she was left to fend for herself among us. It was a look that was easily respected. “But that’s more ’n likely, ain’t it?” Her voice took on an odd accenting, a bit of a... a lilt, I think it’s called. Something faintly foreign. “I can’t go back, not since Kel an’ I stopped dressin’ alike. Sure, people mix us, but not on the side. I ain’t got the tail no more.” <Tail?> I echoed, surprised. She regarded me with focused eyes, smiling slightly. It was a pleasant expression, if slightly condescending. Almost like that of a prince explaining something simple to a favorite pupil. “Ponytail, Aximili,” she said, laughing. “It’s a type of... well, it’s a way for humans to wear their hair, if it is long. See...” She ran her hands down the sides of her head lightly, careful of her injury, and clasped them behind her head. “...we pull our hair back, like this, and tie it there, so it looks like a tail. It’s called a ponytail - tail for short.” I recalled seeing many humans with their hair tied in that way - mostly females, but some males as well. “My hair used to be a lot longer, almost a foot. I wore it back so it didn’t get in my face. Finally I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I got it cut short. Kelly got hers shorter, too, but she still ties it back. That’s why we can be mistaken for each other, but only from the front. Otherwise, other people see that... whoever they’re looking at... has the tail or doesn’t.” <It is very confusing.> She shrugged slightly, more with her right shoulder than her left. “Lots of people without them think having an identical twin is all fun and games, but it’s not,” she said. “Sometimes I feel like I have no identity. Like, instead of Udrak and me being one, like Kelly and I are one in the same instead. What really gets to me are those people who seem to think it doesn’t matter which one is which - those ones that just sort of shrug and refer to us as if we were siamese or something - as ‘you’, not as ‘Kelly’ or ‘Sarah’ or even calling me ‘Casey’.” <Why do you have two names? Most humans have only one.> “It’s a little invention of mankind’s called the ‘hyphen’.” She chuckled, then regarded me in a curious fashion. “You know a lot for an Andalite, Aximili. Do you have human friends somewhere? Knowing humans the way I do, there are some weird enough not to mind a weirdo stumbling around like he’s a dog trying to walk on his hind legs and trying to work his mouth. Heck, you probably couldn’t even speak at first, could you, when you did the human morph? Humans learn language. With thought-speak, how could you know how to move your tongue right?” That was a very good point; I hadn’t thought of that. It was a startling fact; how had I had any idea how to speak english correctly? “You must get out a lot, to know as much as you do.” She sighed, then lay on her back, her upper body propped on a slant by her elbows. She gingerly placed Udrak on the grass next to her. “Doubt I’m going to get out much. What are you Andalites going to do with me anyway? I mean, I hate to point out the obvious, but I’m just a puny little human. After millennia of sheltered living humans have kind of evolved away from living in the wild. I can’t just live outside, in the rain, sleet, snow, and eat grass and drink spring water. Okay, spring water I can handle - soda’s no good for anybody anyway - but I’m omniverous, not a herbivore like you. I need a special balance of nutrition. Meat. Dairy. Food Pyramid. Health class. Man, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m going to miss health class. I mean, I can’t ever go back. You wouldn’t believe how many Controllers are out there - at least, around here. One in ten, at least. Probably even more than that.” I stiffened at that; that was not good news. “It gets a lot thinner as you go along, but I’m not safe anywhere around this state. I... I have to disappear, somehow.” She bent her arms, propping herself up less, and manipulated her mouth so that when she sighed again the hair that fell over her forehead blew upward by her breath. “I am going to get so bored so quickly it is not funny. How in our three worlds can you stand the monotony, Aximili? No music, no games, no friends? Oh, right.” A sad look crossed her face. “You have friends. That’s how.” It felt as if my hearts turned to lead when she said that; she had no idea. No idea that I was the only Andalite among my allies. And that was how it had to be. <Yes,> I said simply. <Hey, Ax. Did I miss much?> I tried to appear casual as I scanned the sky with my eyestalks alone. I spotted Tobias easily this time. <We were talking. She has given me some information that is of some interest.> <You know, I could grab that Yeerk and squish it between my talons before that girl could blink,> I heard him say. <But right now the others are trying to figure out exactly what to do, and for now we’ve agreed to keep our good friend Udrak alive. Tonight we’re bringing her to what’s left of the shack where we kept Jake when he was a Controller.> He dove suddenly at the ground. <Hang on a minute. I see lunch.> I waited patiently. “Someone come to relieve you?” I turned my stalk eyes toward her once more. <How-> She grinned. “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said, have you? Oh, well. I was rambling anyway. The fact that I asked you the same question four times sort of gave it away. And, by the way - just because I’m human doesn’t mean I can’t tell when you’re staring with your stalk eyes.” <One of the warriors has come, yes.> “What’s their name?” I paused. I couldn’t tell her that his name was Tobias; Tobias is a human name. <He will decide whether or not to tell his name,> I said at last. “Which one was he? The tiger, the gorilla, or the one I couldn’t see? What was that last one, anyway - an ant?” <He was a hawk,> I answered. The Yeerks already know we use hawk morphs. <That is what he is now.> Her eyebrows drew downward. Her voice was sympathetic, unthreatening, but what she said made my hearts skip. “You mean he got trapped?” “You’re right, you didn’t say that,” she echoed in a calm, reassuring voice. “No need to get all defensive - I just misunderstood what you said. Sorry. I didn’t mean to be right.” I was about to reply when I stopped; I had gotten defensive, and revealed a terrible secret! How had I been so stupid? There was a very awkward silence - at least, for me - until Tobias finally appeared. He landed on a branch just above the height of my stalk eyes, and began to preen his left wing with his sharply hooked beak. <So what’s news, Ax?> he asked me privately. I told him, keeping my stalk eyes on Sarah while I faced Tobias. Sarah was still reclined, her eyes on the Yeerk, and running her finger down the length of it every once in a while. <She helped to found the Sharing, by providing Visser One information on some form of organization she belonged to as a human. The Yeerk pool was built here rather than under a city to avoid sewers. She and her sister can be mistaken for one another from the front, but nowhere else, because her sister has a ‘tail’ and she no longer does.> <‘Tail’?> <She tried to explain it to me, but it was rather confusing. It had something to do with her hair.> <Oh. Don’t worry about it, Ax - it isn’t really that important. Anything else?> <She does not like having a twin because it makes her lose sense of being an individual. And that she has two names - ‘Casey-Sarah’ - because of a machine called a ‘hyphen’.> <‘Hyphen’? A hyphen isn’t a machine, Ax - it’s... well, it’s part of our alphabet. Or at least part of our grammar. It’s a line that connects two words, instead of a space.> <Why?> <It just does.> He turned to look at Sarah. I could not tell if she was ignoring him, or truly unaware of his presense. <Do you need anything?> he asked her. She looked up at me, then followed my gaze. “So that’s where you are. I don’t know whether to be sorry for you or envy you, nothlit. A hawk can’t become a Controller.” Tobias glared at me. <Ax....> “Don’t blame him, hawk,” Sarah said, before I could explain. “It was an accident. Aximili told me that you were in a hawk morph, but I warped his words by mistake. You can’t blame him. He’s just a kid. If anyone, blame me. It should be easy for you, and I take blame pretty well.” I felt embarrassed; why was she sticking up for me? I dug at the ground with one of my forehooves, lowering my eyes, as if I were looking for something in the hole I was making. <She tells the truth, Tobias,> I told him privately. <I... I didn’t mean to. She asked what you had been before, because she hadn’t seen you, and I said that you were a hawk, and that you were in that morph. My exact words were, ‘that is what he is now.’ She took it to mean that you were trapped, but I didn’t mean it that way. I-> <Ax,> Tobias interrupted patiently. <Apology accepted, okay?> Then his thought-speak took on a lighter tone. <We kids always make mistakes.> I hadn’t gotten to my apology, but I was glad Tobias accepted it anyway. He turned his focused gaze to Sarah. It struck me as slightly peculiar; Sarah met his gaze as easily as if she were meeting the gaze of another of her species. Just as she met my gaze, no matter which eyes I use to look in her direction. She struck me as a person not easily surprised. <Is there anything else you wish to tell?> “I get it,” she said. She picked up Udrak, sheltering him in her hands so that, if Tobias swooped, he would hurt her but be unable to injure the Yeerk. It was a casual but obviously deliberate movement. “Send the guy with the yellow eyes to interrigate the human-Controller. Let me guess - you think I’m a voluntary traitor to the human race. I’d rather think of Udrak as a voluntary traitor to the Yeerk race. But that’s not important, is it? By the way - yellow eyes don’t bug me. It’s nothing compared to half the stuff Visser Three has acquired.” She looked away, and her chin wobbled, just slightly, as young human children’s chins wobble when they are about to cry. She didn’t cry; she just refused to look at us for a long moment, then turned back. “There’s nothing you can do that could defeat what that... that... that...rrr- karrruyak dapsen dival trrra!” The last four words she said in a mix of a hiss, a snarl, and a shout that I would have believed could only come from a Gedd, if I hadn’t watched them come from her human mouth. It was a very disturbing thing to witness. <Umm... what did she just call him, Ax?> My father was polite to say that I had a “working vocabulary” when it came to Galard, the closest thing known space has to a “standard” language. In other words, I knew only the simplest of terms, phrases, and grammar. I barely passed the course after three tries. Fortunately, members of the Andalite military - even arisths like me - are implanted with special translator devices that are able to morph with us. The translators are of course set to understand Galard, or at least the translatable parts of it. “Dival” and “Tra” had no translation. It would also be.... unnecessary to print what the other words meant. <It meant... it wasn’t a nice thing to say, Tobias. I would rather not repeat it.> I left it at that. Tobias didn’t. I could almost imagine him smiling. <‘Karuyak dapsen dival tra’,> he repeated. <I’ll have to remember that.> Then he focused his attention on seeming like a stiff-tailed warrior again. <Cursing Visser Three gets you nowhere with us,> he snapped. She laughed. “You think I did that for fun? I’m the one of the family who can’t say the stronger version of ‘darn’ without feeling guilty. It’s just that I have nothing more polite to call him without making that traitorous bastard seem fuzzy as a kitten and twice as innocent.” Then she looked away again, her expression turning pained again. “Family. Huh. That’s kind of out of the question.” She looked at me, then Tobias. “As I told the aristh, whatever-your-name-is - I don’t know because Aximili thought it would be more proper for you to introduce yourself if you felt like it - humans are a bit of a handful as pets. Just ask Visser One. Hers gave her such grief for awhile that she considered calling off the invasion.” I made a mental note to tell Marco that; he would be glad to hear it. You see, Visser One’s human host is Marco’s mother. “We need shelter, clean clothing, cooked meat, vegetation that isn’t quite as... crude as you enjoy it... enjoyed it... whatever...” She shrugged a little. “What I’m trying to say is-” <We are dealing with that as you speak.> Tobias was passing off well as a warrior. <You will have a place to sleep for the night.> “How about lunch?” <If you are hungry, it will have to wait.> “He’s never been out so long.” Tobias and I were silent for a long moment, caught off-guard by the sudden change of subject. Then Tobias demanded in his serious-warrior voice, <What are you talking about?> “Udrak, of course. In all our years together, he’s never been out of my head for over an hour. Oh, geez!” She did the strangest thing. She tried to throw the Yeerk in her ear. She just swung her hand up and slapped it to her ear, as if to squash the Yeerk between the side of her head and her hand - or to force him into her ear as quickly as possible. CHAPTER 8 <No!> Tobias shouted. Or maybe it was me. I don’t know. The Yeerk squirmed eagerly into her ear. “Oh, man, I’m so sorry!” she cried out, not to us but to the Yeerk. “Man, geez, what was I thinking! You could have dried out!” Then her eyes went out of focus for a moment, until she blinked rapidly a few times, then looked at us almost curiously. The slightly out-of-focus look returned to her nice-colored eyes. <Dried out?> Tobias’ thought-speak was directed at me. <Do Yeerks dry out?> <I... I don’t know.> “Yeerks... Yeerks have to have a moist environment,” Sarah said... but it wasn’t like Sarah talking. Her voice was almost unnaturally patient, even though she spoke a little too fast. There was a strained quality to her voice, as if she wished to shout, but wasn’t for some reason of her own. She blinked constantly, as if there was something in her eyes, which were opened too widely. Overall, it did not appear as if all was well with her. “She hadn’t noticed that I had sucked all the moisture out of the mud she’d put me in. Not entirely pleasant, but better than nothing. That was why she put me on the ground - because I could not absorb enough moisture from her hands to keep from becoming... ill. One of the problems with being slugs. Especially slugs without a way to secrete mucous to coat ourselves with. We kind of evolved away from that, considering we spend our lives in Yeerk pools and the brains of other creatures. Environments with their own sources of moisture. A coating of mucous is more a hindrance to us - except in the unlikely circumstance that we happen to be in the middle of nowhere, laying on the ground, where a silly little girl forgets anything about us except not to let us go anywhere.” <Very interesting... Udrak Eight-eight-eight,> Tobias said, his voice cold. She closed her eyes for a moment; when she opened them again, she seemed normal again. “I’m still Casey-Sarah,” the Controller said. “Sorry. It happens that way. Udrak has to have full control the first few moments. It’s faster for us because I open myself to him before he opens me himself. The connection is almost immediate - like plugging two wires together.” A disturbed look crossed her face before she laughed weakly and attempted to smile. “Heck of a lot faster than logging on the Internet.” <That is very convenient,> Tobias sneered. “You bet it is,” she replied with a more realistic smile, as if she hadn’t realized he was being sarcastic. “That way, we can be who we really are that much more quickly.” Then she closed her eyes. Her voice took on the two seperate tones, first of Udrak, then Sarah. “You still do not understand how we are joined, she and I. Without her, I would go mad trying to hide what I’ve become.” It was here that the tone changed the first time. “Without him, I’d have nobody, and nothing. Nobody to trust, nothing I couldn’t fear. I don’t deal with fear well.” Then the tone was Udrak’s again. “I can’t bear to be alone.” Then Udrak forced himself against Sarah; the look of guilt on her face was strangely out-of-place when compared to his words. The odd, wide-eyed, strained-and-too-fast-voice quality returned. “You must give her someone to trust, Andalites, please. I can’t go back to the pool. I won’t let her be taken. Let her trust you, please. Give her what I have to- NO!” Sarah’s face twitched, a look of anger and fear taking over her face for a moment, before the guilt returned. Udrak’s voice became louder, more desperate. “I can’t be here for her, Andalites. I am sorry for what we have done to you. I am sorry if what I ask puts you at risk. But... please. Don’t let her... don’t let them kill Sarah. You want to see a Controller beg? Fine. I’m begging. I’m beyond begging, I’m handing myself over. I’m bailing, leaving my host. I’m surrendering. You hear me? I surrender. I give up. I quit. Do what you want to me. I really don’t care anymore, as long as you let...Sarah... live.” Her chin wobbled again, and she turned away, head lowered, eyes closed, everything about her speaking of defeat. “Do we have a deal?” she asked in a low, toneless voice. “Myself for the girl. Is it agreed?” <Our prince will decide what-> Tobias began. Then he looked up, passed Sarah. <Somebody’s coming, Ax,> he said. <I’ll go see what’s going on. You stay here and make sure neither of them do anything crazy, okay?> <My plan exactly, Ax-man.> “Where are you going?” Udrak demanded, glaring upward at Tobias when he opened his wings. The look of pure hate was bone-chilling. “Answer me!” she shrieked. “Andalite filth! What’s wrong with you! Answer me, now!” Tobias ignored her and took off. I took a few steps away. She saw that movement and glared at me. “What’s wrong with your nothlit friend, aristh?” she snarled. “No taste for the war? You’d think a carnivore could stand it better than you herbivorian dapsen tra.” <What have you done to Sarah?> I asked, trying to keep my voice steady. I didn’t like what I was seeing from Udrak now. Desperation. Hate. “What does it matter!” she cried. “I’m dying, and all she can think of is saving me! Me! What business does she have to... to care so much? The Gedd didn’t care! The Council doesn’t care! Esplin doesn’t care! Who should care about the traitorous freak? I’m not supposed to be this way! I’m not! I’m not supposed to care, and she shouldn’t, either!” Tears fell from her eyes. It wasn’t anger that made her shout; I could have faced anger easily. But what she was talking about, what was making her cry, made my hearts almost too heavy to bear. Udrak was shouting because it was ashamed. It wasn’t shouting at me, or anyone else; it was just venting its shame. Then the crying stopped; her voice shaking almost beyond recognition, she continued in a near-whisper. “What’s a host but hands and eyes and an annoying voice in the back of your brain? That’s what it’s supposed to be. But no, I can’t deal with the voice. The Gedd didn’t have a voice anymore. I couldn’t deal with her voice. I couldn’t ignore it. The crying, scared, pitiful voice - I couldn’t just ignore it and go on with my life. I had to help it. I had to make it like me. I cared what that stupid voice said.” She sobbed, sitting up and hugging herself tightly with her strong human arms. She spoke louder, as if shouting would ease the pain of Udrak’s shame. “Hosts are supposed to be hands and eyes and annoying voices. They’re not supposed to have hearts. They’re not supposed to have souls. Taxxons don’t have hearts, only hunger. The Gedd didn’t have hearts, only fear. Only fear. All that hosts are supposed to provide their Controllers are hands and eyes and voices and extra fear. The Gedd had a simple, continuous fear, but it had given up. It didn’t plead for release, it didn’t beg for mercy or pity.” Her voice lowered again, back to the quiet whisper, but it grew steadily louder until she was shouting once more. “But this one... this stupid little girl... what had I been thinking? Why didn’t I just let those idiots kill her and be done with it? Instead I’m stuck in her and dealing with her fresh, hot fear. But I couldn’t take on any more fear. I just couldn’t. My family, gone. My friends, dead, except for my best friend... worse than dead, that... that... that Visser!” She sobbed again. “There’s just too much fear,” she whispered. “Fear of Andalites, of the Council, of the officers, of death, of life, of war, of promotion, of demotion, of capture, of discovery, of torture, of... of... of what I’ve become. Of everything. Of everything, and everyone.... all the fear. To live is to fear. And the one escape from fear is the most frightening possibility of all.” She rocked herself back and forth, still hugging herself. “I have ....to ignore... the voice,” she whispered. “I have... to ignore... the voice. I have... to ignore... the voice. I have... to ignore... the voice....” The monotonous repetition of the sentence was more horrifying than the long outburst had been. It just continued, over and over. I couldn’t stop it. Something had snapped in Udrak, and all that remained for him was fear, shame, and that one sentence, over and over. Where was Tobias? <Ax? What happened? What’s wrong with the Controller?> Tobias! At last! <Something is wrong with Udrak. Something has... changed.> Tobias returned to his perch in the tree above me. He took a moment to watch Sarah rock back and forth, and mutter, “I have... to ignore... the voice. I have... to ignore... the voice...” <Oh, man...> His voice was quiet. <Who is coming?> <Marco and Cassie. The others figured out how to tell what the truth is, so they’ve got company. But if we can’t get Udrak to cooperate, even a little, then... well, then we’re out of luck.> <Company?> It was then that someone stepped into the small clearing, a boy the same age as my friends. He was accompanied by a pair of wolves, one on each side. In his hand he held a human-modification Dracon beam. “Shut up, Udrak!” he snapped in a cold voice. “Stand up, or I harm the host.” ...to be continued.... again....


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