Erik
The first time I heard her voice I thought that it was just a trick of my wicked imagination,spoiled by opium,and my tortured mind.It wasn't beautifull,beautifull is not the correct word to describe it.It was soothing,comforting,carressing.It seemed to bring peace to everyone who heard it.It was as divine,as mine was devilish.I'm able to play any tricks with my voice,to hypnotize people with it,to drive them mad,to make them kill themselves,but hers was made to calm,to make happy,and to give love and tenderness with it.She hadn't got any technic,or training,and the lack of them was obvious and rather easy to hear,but she had something within her,that made her voice sound unforgetable.Perhaps it was the voice of her soul?She was sitting beside Anrio and they sung a song that was his favourite,together.My son's voice,clear and beautifull mixed up with hers, gentle and natural in a perfect harmony.The union of their voices, orchestrated together inspired me.All that I wanted on this moment,is to hide in my room from anybody's sight,and start to compose.The music played in my ears with the intensity that was hard to bear,even for me.
It was always painfull...Allways painfull to create a new melody, to find a form for a sound that always existed, and wich found it's way through me...I never thought about myself as about a composer.I was a musician,because I knew everything I possibly could, about music.I was able to play numerous instruments, with practically same quality.But I never ever composed any music,it jusr came out, as if it already existed somewhere in my mind, or perhaps somewhere beyond, and I just gave it life and form.I've always been thinking that music is not just the harmony of sound, it's something like feeling, like passion wich cannot be controlled or understood by the one who feels it, and they rule over the composer and he is their pray in some way.I was just the instrument in someone's skillfull hand...
And so was her voice...It seemed to be a perfect instrument, wich only needed a little control of a musician who'd be able to play on it.When she stopped singing and smiled to my son, I wondered, how could this girl, have such beauty within her.It's a gift of fate, such things happen very rare...
I got used to listen to her...Sometimes I think that I just can't live without listening to her.Her voice, somehow, magically takes away those head-aches that killing me...I often tell Pierre to stop the carriage not very far away from the spot where I usually leave Anrio, and I listen to her singing.I wish those minutes could last forever...
Her eyes were in front of mine and I was as close to despair as she was
close to faint.Poor girl, she didn't expect to see me in a carriage,
instead of Anrio's father as she imagined him.How could she imagine that
the father of such handsome boy could be as ugly as I was.I wonder why
did she jump in....What she wanted to see or find out?I was unprepared
for it, and I even didn't have my mask with me, because I was sure of my
safety within the carriage, guarded by my devoted servant.
She didn't scream or draw back, she simply stared at me without a
single word to say, and it was even worse, than normal reaction caused
by the sight of my...face, or if I'll be more precise, by a sight of
that mess of purple and red scars, that covered the right half of my
face, and disfigured it in the most horrible way possible.
My first wish was to hide my face in my arms, but as I made a
little movement, she gasped and her hand laid on her chest, as if she
tried to stop her heart from jumping out of her breast.
The silence
lasted so long that it became almost physically painfull.It seemed to me
that time has stopped, and there was nothing in the world, but her eyes
in front of mine, and her little hand resting on her breast that moved
fast with each trembling breath that escaped her throat.I wanted to calm
her down, to pull her closer to me , to hide my face from her eyes,
lowering her head on my chest and to feel that flattering heart beating
close to mine, to touch her cheeck with my fingers, and to take that
frightened expression off her face...
Suddenly my mind flashed back to the times when I
was able to do so, without any hesitation, with any woman I met, but now
such thing , such simple and unimportant thing as embrace was forbidden
to me.
I already wanted to turn away and to ask her quietly to leave the
carriage, before the shock will pass and she'll scream, frightening my
son, who set in front of us, smiling,but suddenly, he pronounced, with
surprised notes in his voice:
"«Is that you Christine?Yes, of course, it's you!Who else?"»- My son was
never mistaken -«" Father,that's Christine!I told you about
her.Christine that's my father.Is there something wrong?Why don't you
talk to her?"»
My heart beated as a drum, and the blood raced in my veins with
such intensity, that I was able to hear it racing.Her face became even
more pale, and she opened her mouth , but her lips didn't obey her and
her mouth was trembling.She looked on Anrio, and tears appeared in her
eyes, then her gaze returned to my face.I knew that now everything was
ruined, a few seconds, and she will scream in horror and agony, asking
heaven to save her from the monster that she saw before her eyes, and my
son will find out that his father frightens and terryfies any human who
sees his face.I looked into her eyes in despair, with unspoken plea ,
begging her not to scream, and to my great surprise, she didn't. With a
great effort she overcame her fear and pronounced with a weak, but
surprisingly calm voice:
«"It is very nice to meet you monsieur.Anri spoke about you many
times."»
I couldn't believe my own ears.It was impossible.From the moment
when this happened to me, no woman I met, was able to look at me and
to talk with me as if nothing was wrong.Her cheeks were as white as
snow, but noticing my confusion, she found strength to look at me once
again and say:
"«How should I call you, monsieur?Anrio never spoke of your name."»
The expession on her face was telling me to speak out too, as if
she said :
" Why do you remain silent?I overcame the natural fear to keep
your son safe from the pain of knowing what a terrifying creature his
father is, and you're not going to help me with this?"
I was still unable to say a word, but suddenly a miracle
happened.Her hand, her small hand laid on mine and her gentle fingers
squeezed mine, giving me the strength to speak.I wondered how could this
fragile girl, hardly over sixteen, have so many power and compassion
within her heart.
«" My name is Erik,mademoiselle...call me Erik."
»
I tried to make my voice sound calm and firm as usual, but it
trembled a bit.The first time in my life my voice disobeyed me.By the
expression on Christine's face I understood that she was close to faint,
but she tried to calm down for Anrio's sake.I was so gratefull to her
for her compassion, that I wanted to free her from this need of seeing
my face, and to free myself from the torture of being observed by her.
«" Anrio, I think that we have to go now.Mademoiselle Christine, thank
you for being a friend to my son!Thank you very much..."»- I made an
accent on the last sentence squeezing her fingers with mine.- "«Say
good-buy, Anrio.May I help you out of the carriage,mademoiselle?"
»
She nodded in acceptance.
Anrio seemed upset by my decision to leave so fast,but he never argued
with me,so he obidiently bowed his head and pronounced:
«
" Good-bye, Christine.I hope that you'll come to see me tomorrow.May be
you'll be able to persuit father to sit down with us for a while.He
never spends a single minute with me under the tree...Ask him Christine,
he will listen to you! "
»
She shaked his hand and smiled to him saying:
"«Of course,Anrio!Of course!Till tomorow."
I always asked Piere,(my devoted servant, and old friend, who was the
only person who didn't betray me after all that happened to me) to stop
the carriage in a silent place where it remained unseen by other people,
so I was able to get out of it without any risk to be noticed by
someone's curious eyes.
I steped on the ground, and turned around, giving my hand to
Christine, in purpose of helping her out of the cariage.I did it,
unsurely, and I was affraid that she'll refuse to touch me, but her hand
slid in mine, without any hesitation.
When she stood beside me, I still held her hand in mine, and
she showed no intention to draw back.I didn't know how to say, the words
that were on the tip of my tongue a few seconds ago, and wich I forgot
when they were meant to be said.
«
"Christine...It won't take a lot of your time...and believe me, I
won't force you to look on ...this ..."» - I pointed on my face -
«"...any longer, than it will take me to tell you how I am gratefull to
you....for saving my son's illusions...about me...I promise you that you
will never ever see me any more, so don't worry about it...Just try to
forget all that you've seen as soon as you possibly can...I...I can tell
Anrio that you went to your friends in...in... Provance for example, or
elsewhere ...if you don't want to see any of us anymore...he'll
understand...."
»
Suddenly her face became worried, and I was affraid for a single
moment, that now when Anrio wasn't watching us she'll let all her fear
out, but I was mistaken.She looked into my eyes without fear, but almost
with despair and wispered:
"«You mean, that you don't want me to see Anrio anymore?Oh, monsieur,
please!Let me see him...sometimes!He's my only friend!!!And he needs me,
I know!I promise that I won't tell him about your...your...secret.I'm
sorry for my reaction, I was just...unprepared, but it won't happen
again!I swear!Oh, please monsieur!Let me see him!"»
It is very difficult to surprise me, but this girl did it twice
during one day, even during one hour.I was speechless.She watched me,
unpationately waiting for response:
«
" So, you will let me see him monsieur, will you?"»
I looked at her and and for the first time during eight years, I
smiled and said:
«"Only if you'll stop calling me "monsieur"."» - At least, I was able to
joke...
She smiled back to me, without any sign of horror and revulsion
and said:
«"Thank you, monsieur...khm.. Erik.Till tomorrow, then?You will come, will
you?"
I shaked my head, and pronounced, turning away from here:
" You don't know what you're asking...How could I..just come and sit
with you after this...Even if I'll wear the mask, you will still
remember it...I don't want to spoil your day...Of course you may not
show your revulsion, because of your pity...but I don't want your pity or anyone
else's...Believe me, that's too much...I can't bare this, I'm sorry..."
I didn't see her, because I was standing with my back to her, but
I felt her gaze over me.She remained quiet for a little while and then,
she pronounced:
" Did it ever occur to you, that sometimes, we mustn't think about
ourselves...about our own sufferings?That sometimes, we have to
sacrifice our pride...or anything else to make another person a little
happier?Try to do this, Erik...Your son needs you...perhaps you even
don't realise, how much...I'll be waiting to see you tomorrow..."
» I nodded and went back to the carriage, because I wanted to hide
the tears that stinged my eyes. It was too good to be true , too
wonderfull to last for a long time...
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