i feel so...

i feel so...empty.
what does it feel like to die?
am i experiencing some of it?
there are, of course no documented cases of people dying of a broken heart.
that would be ridiculous.
no one dies of a broken heart.
they just get over it and go on with their lives.
if they happen to die down the line, it would only be from something as simple as
carelessness. suicide. accidental starvation. unknown sickness. drugs. drinking.
nothing to do with the heart.
only, they didn't care enough to do anything about whatever it was
that was wrong with them.
they had a hole in them too large and too empty to fill with anything material,
and they didn't know until it was too late.
i feel like i've lost a motivation that was once a part of me.
i'm still doing stuff, naturally. i guess i'm on partial automatic.
maybe it's something like shock.
how do you deal with shock, anyway?
i cover the hole up sometimes, and it seems to disappear.
hanging out with friends, reading, doing my job, staying busy.
there's something still there though. when i'm alone i feel it.
after i talk to her i feel it stronger. like while i talk to her the hole
thinks it is being filled, so it expands, and it isn't filled, and when
she is gone the cover-up is gone as well.

lonely. barren. empty. bare.

where is she now?
would i want to know?

something about sorrow, suffering; it brings out the poet in me.
i don't know exactly why, but it often does.
why not now? i feel a need to write, sometimes, like now, but what i am writing,
it is nonsense. meaningless words, just some stupid stuff and thoughts thrown onto my keyboard.
will anyone read it anytime? does it matter at all?
would i rather no-one ever saw this? will i even save it when i'm done,
or delete it, once it has met my need to write?
i don't care.
perhaps years from now some english professor will hold it up to his class and say,
"here is a perfect example of the introspective ramble prose style!"
examine it carefully folks, it's a wonder.
is this the part where i mention a famous poet, that has influenced me?
yeah, how about that john locke, eh?
nice guy, huh? I dunno, never met him.
tabula rasa: the unformed, featureless mind in the philosophy of john locke.
maybe i should read up on that particular definition.
the other two i understand pretty well.
the mind before it receives the impressions gained from experience.
that is my daily life, as i go about learning things.
i become less and less a tabula rasa, a blank slate.
i think i'll name my next computer tabula rasa.
the next one particularly applies to me in this situation,
and even my new-computer-name.
a need or an opportunity to start from the beginning.
i think that is what i need.
i feel so empty.

-Miostiek, 9/5/98