To Cry

I want to weep, but cannot.
I need to cry, but for some reason,
something has a hold of me, and will not let me go.
I don't understand why I am not crying right now,
when the world has become a darker place.
Things have changed without my say,
and I have no control of my life.
Endings and beginnings are hard.

I have been released, but cannot release myself.
I lie awake in bed, thinking thoughts I have had before.
I relive words, rethink situations.
But thought is not what I want right now.

I could make myself cry; just think of the past,
and of the future that cannot be.
With that I certainly would cry.
But tears do not have the same power if I force them.
They must come spontaneously;
Catch me unawares, without warning
take ahold of me, and shake me like a rat in a hound's jaw.
Only then will I be able to sleep.

-Miostiek, 10/3/98