December 7, 2001

Pain has the power to do things that would blow your mind. In the past 15 months I have been battling with a condition in my feet that causes me constant pain. I am currently taking the necessary steps to resolve the problem but the solution is long range. In my time dealing with this problem, I have taken on changes that will hopefully in the end leave me with a keen insight and strength.

I have a condition in my feet called Plantar Facilitis. In layman's terms is an inflammation of the muscles that stretch from the frontal balls of the foot to the heel. Another problem that I have because of this condition is tendonitis which is an inflammation (in this case) of the tendons behind my heels. This was caused from 27 years of having flat feet and about 2 or 3 years of wearing moccasins. This condition could very well be aggravated beyond any help outside of surgery.

Since the morning that this condition surfaced, I have been experiencing constant pain in varying intensity. On a good day where the weather is warm and dry and that I did not do a lot of walking or standing prior to, I feel a constant dull pain that after all this time is only barely tolerable. On a bad day which is usually any day with dampness and/or cold I feel an intense pain that a lot of times works its way up my legs into my knees and sometimes my back. There are times when I cannot walk without assistance.

Other interesting side effects include my sensitivity to incoming precipitation, excruciating pain when struck(most commonly by someone stepping on them), prolonged standing(anything longer than a minute or so depending on the day) becoming a problem, and knee aches and back aches(from compensating for my feet).

Day after day as the agony ensues I find myself slowing becoming a person that I am not happy with. I have no patience, everything bothers me, and a more negative person would be hard to find. Everything is doom and gloom. As hard as I try not to, I find myself to be more argumentative and less social. I find it undesirable to make plans with friends because it is hard for me to have a good time. In public places or even just around children I am in constant fear and frustration of people stepping on my feet.

Most mornings I wake up hating my life because I start the day in pain and it continues till bed time and throughout my slumber. Some nights I cannot even sleep because it is raining and my feet are throbbing so hard that I cannot fall asleep. Lots of times when driving to or especially back from work I find myself in such a state of despair that I just want to breakdown and cry.

Sometimes I hate to visit my mother or see my family(even the ones I live with) because it pains them to watch me suffer and it pains me to be felt sorry for. I can do almost none of the things that I like to do in my spare time because I cannot risk the wear on my feet. When I DO give in once in a while and try and have some fun, I pay for it later.

Emotionally I have been on a roller coaster. I find myself falling into and out of depression sometimes on an hourly basis. I hate being short sometimes with the people I love and usually that pushes me into a depressed mood as well. Other times I find myself SO angry that I do not even why. Before this mess, I was always a happy person. Always smiling and making jokes and looking on the bright side of things. Sure I had problems like anyone else but it was seldom that it would get to me. I fight this battle everyday to be happy and remain positive but some days it seems virtually impossible.

There were times where I could let a lot of crap roll off my back, but now I feel I am maniacal at times. At times I have obtained a certain level of paranoia. I fear that one day my problem will be too much of a burden on my family and that I will be abandoned for the sake of their own life's to be better. Other times I am afraid that the idea of seeing a shrink will come into play and I do not think I can let that happen. I hate shrinks! I have seen to people robbed blind from shrinks and it would kill me to have to go to one.

My work has been affected as well. I find my attention span to dwindle as time progresses. It takes a good amount of concentration to stay focused enough to get anything down and the concentration past the pain will usually cause me great headaches that can last till I fall asleep at night.

I finally understand why old people are so grumpy. Its because most of them are ailed. A lot of them have things like arthritis(not too far off from what I have) and they are in agony all the time. They probably couldn't handle as much pain as I can and I'm already like that. I feel for each and every person that has to suffer constant pain especially the ones that do not show it because it is so hard to not be miserable. And when you are miserable it's so hard to be nice, even when you try your hardest. It takes a person far better than I to cut through all the pain and still remain true to their character.

So as I have seen in the past 15 month's, pain is a very powerful and formidable foe. It has wrestled the person that I am and transformed him into a bitter, miserable being. I know that I WILL conquer this demon and all will be well again. I also know that myself, my perspective, and the very fiber of my being will never be the same again.

Lost Soul, all Doom tradmarks, and all related materials are copyright Šid Software.