SATELLITE #1013'S LOUNGE
"Ughhh..." Azmi groaned as she leaned back on
the sofa as closed her eyes. "That was
terrible."
Mary shook back her mass of red hair. "I've read
worse. I just wish that it didn't sound as if
the writer blatantly ripped off Sandman. Neil
Gaiman was a *good* writer, dammit."
"INDEED," TAPSLAUGHT interjected. "CAN IT BE
MORE OBVIOUS? GRYPHON IS REALLY MORPHEUS IN
DISQUISE, ARIANA IS DEATH, AND RAVEN..."
"Desire," Calliope finished. She eyed the bar
thoughtfully. "Anybody want a drink?"
"Pink vodka, please," said Azmi, not opening her
eyes.
"BLOOD. WITH A TWIST OF LIME AND AN UMBRELLA."
Calliope raised an eyebrow, pausing in the midst
of rummaging through the bottles. "Very well."
"Guinness for me," decided Mary Sue. "I didn't
know you're a bartender too, Calliope."
The Muse shrugged. "When you've been to a party
in Olympus, you'd learn to mix your own drinks,
too."
"Why? Are they that terrible?" asked Mary Sue.
"No... it's because gods like a good joke as
much as everyone else."
Mary Sue and Azmi winced. "Sounds painful," said
the latter.
Calliope nodded. "Zeus never could take a joke
as well as he could dish it out."
"All right, boobies," interrupted a nasal, high-
pitched voice. "It's time for a check-up. Any
feelings of impending insanity, hallucinations
of Perry Como, broken will, etc?"
The newcomer was a woman with long black hair,
an orange stripe blazing its way in the middle
of the straggly locks. She wore tight spandex
shorts, and a leather jacket which looked
deliberately torn. Fishnets and knee-high boots
encased her legs. The message on her ripped
white t-shirt read: "Say hello to Death,
scumbags". Her face was powdered dead white
except for a black starburst pattern over her
left eye, which matched her lipstick. In the
midst of the black-and-white landscape, a ruby
nose stud glowed wine red.
She glared at them with pupilless eyes. "Well?"
she demanded, holding a clipboard.
"TAPSLAUGHT FINDS YOUR LACK OF MANNERS
OFFENSIVE, PUNY MORTAL."
"Yeah? Too damn bad. Deal with it." She snorted,
scribbling something. "Hmph. Dr McCoy'll not be
pleased."
"We'd like to keep our sanity a little longer,
thank you very much." Mary Sue gave her a long,
speculative look. "Who the hell are you,
anyway?"
"Name's Rosavenger. I run this hunk of tin the
furred bugger calls a satellite."
"Rosa... venger?" repeated Azmi incredulously.
The aforenamed woman looked annoyed. "Look,
pretty-pretty, I didn't bloody choose the name,"
she growled defensively. "My Writer did, idiot
that he is."
Calliope's eyes widened. "Wait a second...
aren't you that failed "bad girl" character?"
Rosavenger whirled around, eyes narrowed. "How
the hell did you know that, yuppie woman?"
"Your Writer's Muse cried for a week after he
created you."
"Yeah? It's damn hard to be a bad girl when you
sound like Fran Fine." The black-haired woman
folded her arms. "And that stupid "signature
weapon" he bloody gave me..."
"WHICH WOULD BE...?" TAPSLAUGHT boomed in.
"A magic nose stud."
"I beg your pardon?" the Muse asked, startled.
Rosavenger sighed. "It's like the Witchblade.
Y'know, a female bearer every generation and
shit like that?"
Mary Sue's lips twitched. "It doesn't sound
*that* bad."
"Yeah? Watch this... it's the stud's special
power." She lifted the fingers of her left hand
in the "Victory" sign.
There was a glow from the nose stud, and a
rubber band materialized between her fingers.
With her right thumb and forefinger, she sent it
flying towards the bar, narrowly missing
Calliope. It hit a bottle of Jack Daniels,
bounced off, and came to rest on the impeccably
polished bartop.
Silence.
"BWAHAHAHA!" The two redheads (one real, the
other only in spirit) of the group slid to the
deck in hysterical laughter. Calliope did her
best not to giggle, but TAPSLAUGHT was rapidly
losing the battle against an army of guffaws.
Rosavenger merely threw her hands up in
resignation, glaring at the laughing duo.
"Um... heh... um..." Whatever Azmi was going to
say in the way of commiseration was lost,
however, when sirens and alarms blared out its
raucous symphony.
"WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" they shouted in unison.
"Hey, Rosa-- oh, she's gone..."
"Forget her, let's go!"
"Jeez, *you* sound enthusiastic."
"You know what they say, the faster we finish
this..."
"THE SOONER WE CAN GO. LET US BEGIN, THEN."
[Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1. The
ladies file into theatre and sit in their
previous seats.]
>The X-MEN are the property of
>Marvel Comics. Don't Sue me
>please.
CALLIOPE: Actually, we may be able to sue her in
British courts under the law of tort, for
neglecting the duty of care to limit harm caused
by one's action.
MARY: Going by that, we'll *definitely* be able
to sue her in the courts of the USA.
AZMI: Play nice, kitties.
>Claire Ross is MY
>character.
MARY: Imagine if she's a MARVEL character.
ALL: [shudder]
AZMI: After all, they already have precedence in
Jean.
>This story is MINE. If
>you steal my characters at least
>let me know.
MARY: Dear Timesprite: May I use your character,
Claire? It's for my sequel to Laersyn's "Devil's
Due."
AZMI: [makes chainsaw sounds]
> CLAIRE'S
>CONFUSION Part Two
TAPSLAUGHT: [flat] COMMENCE THE TORTURE.
>Lost Time
CALLIOPE: The remake of "X Marks the Spot"
starring Leonardo DiCaprio as Mulder and Britney
Spears as Scully, directed by a clone of Ed
Wood.
>It's raining.
AZMI: [singing] I'm only happy when it rains...
>I hate the rain.
AZMI: Oh.
CALLIOPE: [narrator] Ugh, look at what it did to
my hair!
TAPSLAUGHT: I AM NOT SURPRISED, CONSIDERING THE
AMOUNT OF POLLUTANTS IN THE AIR.
MARY: Thank you *so* much. And to think I used
to like seeing the rain...
>I
>get onto the cramped subway train
>and find a seat.
CALLIOPE: Unfortunately, its last occupant was
an incontinent drunk.
>I ignore the stares.
MARY: [narrator] Is it wrong to wear a
fluorescent green bikini top and polka-dotty
baggy pants with a Smurf cap? Huh?
>I hear their thoughts
>of 'mutie' 'Maybe she's got that
>mutie disease.' 'She shouldn't be
>allowed to ride with us normal
>people'
CALLIOPE: X-Men fanfic cliche #1: All
'flatscans' must hate mutants.
MARY: In this case, I forgive them.
>I'm doing my best remain
>calm when I feel a tug on my
>sleeve.
TAPSLAUGHT: DO YOU WANT TO SEE SOMETHING
*REALLY* SCARY?
>I look down into a pair of
>innocent blue eyes of a young
>girl.
CALLIOPE: Sadly, she failed to notice the unholy
gleam in 'her' eyes until too late. A brief
shriek later, there was nothing left of her
except for an acid-burned black shoe... and the
monster rests.
>"You have pretty hair."
AZMI: [girl] I've never seen a hairstyle with a
rabbit cage on it!
>"Thank you." The comment touches
>my heart. Most times it's my hair
>that sets me apart.
MARY: [narrator] I *told* my hairstylist I want
the Monica style, but he gave me Medusa!
WAAAAAAA!!!!!
>Pink and blue, too pale to be dye,
>it's what gets me branded as a
>mutant outright.
AZMI: Good Lord, it's CHIBI-USA AND JESSE BLUE'S
DAUGHTER!
OTHERS: EWW!
>If that doesn't
>startle them my eyes do.
AZMI: [TV newscaster] And now, we switch over to
Mary Sue, reporting live from the site of the
tragedy. Hello, Mary Sue.
MARY: [reporter] Hello, Azmifarayaro.
AZMI: [TV newscaster] What's the latest
development?
MARY: [reporter] Apparently, an eyewitness
describe her as having, and I quote, "eyes of
pure hellfire". The police are treating this as
stress-induced hallucinations, but the statement
was supported by another eyewitness who describe
her eyes as "fiery with a terrible anger."
TAPSLAUGHT: CUTE.
>Ones
>blue, the other purple. It's
>enough to make the racists crawl
>out of the woodwork.
AZMI: Why? It's not like it's all that unusual
nowadays, what with contacts and all.
MARY: Just smile and nod.
>That is why I
>am so touched by
AZMI: ... An Angel.
MARY: I don't like that show.
>her comment. All
>she sees is a person.
CALLIOPE: X-Men fanfic cliche #42: Children are
the only ones who don't hate mutants, due to
their innocence.
>"Don't bother the lady, dear."
CALLIOPE: You might contract something
unpleasant, like Mary Sue-ism. [looks at Mary
Sue] The *original* one.
>Then she looked up from her paper.
>"Oh my!
TAPSLAUGHT: KASUMI?
>Come on Kathy, we're
>leaving!"
MARY: [mother] Let's get out of this horrible
fanfic!
>If only we could stay that way.
AZMI: Said by one who never had *six* set of
memories of high school in her head...
MARY: I feel for you.
>----------------------------------
>--------------------------
MARY: [scholarly] Here, we compare the irritant
factor of two well-known boybands, N'Sync and
Backstreet Boys.
>Later
AZMI: Okay! I'll just be off, then...
TAPSLAUGHT: SIT DOWN, AZMIFARAYARO.
AZMI: [sighs]
>Standing on the front porch of a
>huge house,
CALLIOPE: [narrator] How odd. There's a flash of
lightning and the sky was perfectly clear...
>on the threshold of a
AZMI: Threshold? Isn't that the crappy Voyager
episode?
MARY: "Crappy" describes more than 50% of
Voyager, Azmi.
AZMI: It's the one where Paris mutated into some
kind of slug.
TAPSLAUGHT: MUCH LIKE THIS FANFIC.
>new life.
AZMI: [motherly] I know that puberty can be very
difficult sometimes...
>A man in red glasses
>answered the door.
AZMI: [Lurch] YESSSSSSSSSSS?
>The minute I
>saw him I knew this must be
>Cyclops.
CALLIOPE: And how, may I ask? I thought his
superhero identity is a secret!
MARY: Having read through nearly two parts of
this story, you still ask?
CALLIOPE: Point taken.
>"Um...are you Scott Summers?"
TAPSLAUGHT: NO... I'M BATMAN!
>"Yes, how can I help you?"
MARY: [narrator] Where.. umm... you know... the
place with the young ladies?
>"My name is Claire Ross. I'm
>looking for Professor Xavier.
CALLIOPE: [Scott] Uh, lemme check. [tilts her
head to one side] He's not in. Bye! [slams door]
Professor? It's safe to come out now...
>"The Professor is..Uh..
>indisposed.
MARY: [Scott, babbling] Uh, the leather thong
I'm wearing? Nothing, why do you ask?
CALLIOPE: MARY SUE!
>I'm afraid he won't be
>back anytime in the near future.
AZMI: [Scott] And everything goes well, he never
will! MWAHAHAHAHA!
>"Oh, I'm sorry. I've wasted your
>time." I turned to go.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Scott, mumbling] GOOD RIDDANCE.
>"Miss? Are you sure we can't help
>you?
AZMI: [Scott] We have an extra Minnie Mouse
costume and a ball gag.
CALLIOPE: Azmifarayaro...
AZMI: [whistles innocently]
>You knew Professor Xavier,
>didn't you?"
>
>"Yes. He helped me a few years
>back."
MARY: IfyaknowwhatImean!
>"Maybe we can help you now. Why
>don't you come inside."
CALLIOPE: [Scott] Welcome to my parlour,
childe... [laughs darkly]
>I didn't know what to do.
TAPSLAUGHT: COMMIT HARA-KIRI TO REGAIN YOUR LOST
HONOUR?
AZMI: Run screaming for the hills?
CALLIOPE: Beg forgiveness for forcing them into
this fanfic?
MARY: Seduce them into providing a sequel to
"Mhairie"?
OTHERS: [big sweatdrops]
>Logic
>dictated that I shouldn't stand
>there in the rain,
TAPSLAUGHT: [Spock] EMINENTLY LOGICAL.
>but I was
>reluctant to dump my problems on a
>bunch of people I didn't know.
AZMI: Why not? That's how talk radio hosts make
their money.
>"Well...Okay. I guess it
>couldn't hurt.
MARY: ... she thought, not noticing the crazed
grin that lit up Scott's face and the whip he
hid behind his back.
CALLIOPE: Mary Sue...
MARY: [rolls eyes]
>----------------------------------
>--------------------------
AZMI: This is your intelligence. *This* is your
intelligence after watching "Jerry Springer".
MARY: It should be much lower.
>I was sitting across from a
>red-head who had identified
>herself as Jean.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Claire] JEAN... I AM YOUR MOTHER.
CALLIOPE: [Jean] No! That's not true... that's
impossible!
TAPSLAUGHT: [Claire] SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS... YOU
KNOW IT TO BE TRUE.
>When I had come
>in I told Scott why I was there.
AZMI: [Claire] Could I borrow some sugar?
MARY: [Claire, breathy] So to speak...
>He said that he would fetch his
>wife.
CALLIOPE: Good Scott! Roll over, Scott! Good
boy!
>"I guess she's one of the most
>powerful telepaths on the planet
>now.She should be able to help.
AZMI: [Scott] But it really depends on who's
writing her this month.
>"Why don't we start by telling me
>about yourself. Specifically how
>you came to meet the professor."
MARY: [Claire] Well, there was this bar...
>"Well, it started when I was 15.
CALLIOPE: [flipping through a small book] Ah,
here we are. Rule #108 of The Heroes' And
Heroines' Rulebook: A mutant's powers must start
around age 15. This causes much angst, since it
interferes with their social life.
>Little things.
MARY: [Claire] The Professor was very self-
conscious about it for a while, but the Viagra
really helps.
TAPSLAUGHT: MARY SUE.
MARY: [to Calliope] Isn't that supposed to be
*your* schtick?
>Now I should mention that
AZMI: ... I'm wanted by half of the world's law
enforcers.
MARY: ... I have rabies.
>for as long as I
>could remember my mother had been
>in denial.
ALL: [snicker]
MARY: Too easy.
>she had dyed my hair
>brown, made up some story to
>explain my eyes.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Claire's mother] WE WERE
VACATIONING NEAR CHERNOBYL WHEN OUR CLAIRE WAS
CONCEIVED.
>I had never
>questioned her.
AZMI: [Igor] Yeth, mawther.
>I had no reason
>to.
MARY: [Claire] I mean, would I want to cut off
the hand that gave me my allowance?
>Then things began to change.
AZMI: [singing] Everything changes but you!
>Things would fall over when I
>walked by, stuff like that.
MARY: They have a poltergeist in the house!
>Then
>one evening we got into an
>argument.
AZMI: [Claire] But I wanna wear the black dress!
MARY: [Claire's mother] Young lady, you're not
going to your grandmother's house dressed like
that. Wear the pink one.
AZMI: No!
MARY: Don't make me take away your MTV!
>I wanted to stop dying
>my hair.
CALLIOPE: [Claire] It's, like, World War III up
there!
>I wanted to know what
>colour it was naturally.
AZMI: Honey, you could have found that out on
your own, you know.
MARY: Easier to ask forgiveness than to ask
permission.
CALLIOPE: I suppose *you* would know.
>She went nuts.
AZMI: There were walnuts and hazelnuts and
acorns all over the place!
MARY: [singing] Millions of peanuts, peanuts for
me...
TAPSLAUGHT: ACTUALLY, PEANUTS ARE REALLY A KIND
OF PEA, NOT NUT.
MARY: [huffy silence]
>I didn't understand why.
AZMI: Why ask why?
>I started screaming at her.
MARY: [soap-operaish] DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I
*LOVE* HIM!
>Then it happened.
MARY: Wow, *that* was sudden.
CALLIOPE: Wha-- MARY SUE!
>All at once all the
>glass in the house exploded.
AZMI: Like that X-Files episode with the
reincarnated cop.
CALLIOPE: Oh, you mean "Born Again".
MARY: *You're* an X-Phile?
CALLIOPE: I only watch it for Skinner and the
Well-Manicured Man.
[Azmi and Mary exchange a look.]
AZMI: O-kayyy...
>Then
>the plates and so on.
MARY: That's a strong scream... are you sure
this kid isn't related to Sean Cassidy?
AZMI: Maybe she's his daughter in an alternate
universe, by Tsukino Usagi.
>My mom ran
>from the house. She didn't come
>back. Ever.
CALLIOPE: Not even for clothes and money?
TAPSLAUGHT: I SUSPECT SHE HAS BEEN SALTING AWAY
HER BINGO WINNINGS IN A SWISS BANK ACCOUNT.
>My dad was so
>frightened. He finally contacted
AZMI: [singing] When there's something strange,
in the neighbourhood... who're you gonna call?
OTHERS: [ditto] GHOSTBUSTERS!
>Professor Xavier.
AZMI: Oh. Does he have a cool ray gun too?
MARY: [snigger]
>He didn't know
>what else to do.
TAPSLAUGHT: THE CANNING FACTORY WAS OUT OF THE
QUESTION, AND GALACTUS ALREADY HAS A HERALD.
>When we paid a
>visit,
CALLIOPE: ... to the mental hospital, they told
me not to worry as they'll take very good care
of me. Well, the straightjacket was kinda nice.
MARY: To the X-Mansion? Same thing, really.
>the Professor told me that
>I was a telekinetic and that my
>powers were tied into my emotions.
AZMI: [Prof X] I realize you're happy and you
know it, but could you please stop making us
stamp our feet?
>I was also a low level telepathy.
CALLIOPE: A "low level *telepath*".
AZMI: Low level, yeah right. Anybody taking bets
as to an increase in power?
MARY: Why bet on a sure thing?
>He helped me get control,
TAPSLAUGHT: [Yoda] CONTROL, YOU MUST LEARN
CONTROL!
>but
>wanted me to stay on at the
>school. My dad would hear none of
>it.
MARY: Why? You'd think he's be ecstatic to keep
her away from society for a while longer.
>I was controlled. That was all
>that mattered.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Borg] RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU
WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
AZMI: Her father must've worked for the Ministry
of Truth.
CALLIOPE: War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery.
Ignorance is Strength.
>When we came home,
>he sent me away to school.
MARY: Excusez-moi? So why *didn't* he let her go
to a school which would let her out of his hair
*and* help her control her powers?
AZMI: The IQ of a dead prawn?
MARY: That would do it.
>I was
>angry, to say the least.
MARY: [Claire, sobbing] Now I'll never get a
chance to sleep with Scott before he gets
married!
>One
>moment, I had what seemed like a
>happy, normal family.
AZMI: [Claire] We lived in this nice place
called Fear Street, too.
>The next I'm
>being shuffled between boarding
>school and summer camp.
CALLIOPE: [soccer commentator] The School team
got off to a jittery start tonight, but it looks
like they're finally getting their act together.
AZMI: [ditto] It's about time! The score now is
tied at 2-2, after newcomer Smith from Summer
Camp shot a beautiful goal in the 48th minute.
What do you think, Calliope?
CALLIOPE: She's a striker to watch, I'd say. And
here comes team captain Cheng, the Physics
teacher, with Claire. Will you look at that!
Made a splendid pass to McQueen, now feeding it
to-- oh! Intercepted by Hernandez! Shame, shame.
>I never went home.
AZMI: [singing] Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the
old oak tree, it's been three long years, do you
still want me?
MARY: [ditto] If I don't see a ribbon 'round the
old oak tree... I'll stay on the bus, forget
about us, put the blame on me...
AZMI & MARY: [singing lustily] If I don't see a
yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree!
CALLIOPE: This has been a blatant but heartfelt
plug for the Yellow Ribbon Page at
http://www.subreality.com/yellow.htm, brought to
you by the crew of Satellite #1013.
>When my dad died when I
>was 18, I was left hanging.
TAPSLAUGHT: ... BY A THREAD AT THE EDGE OF THE
UNIVERSE, WHERE CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION WAITED.
LADY LUCK WAS NOT FEELING KIND THAT DAY.
CALLIOPE: The fanfic got to you too, hmm?
>I had
>inherited a good chunk of money,
MARY: [snort]
CALLIOPE: Of course.
>so I enrolled in collage.
MARY: She covered herself with glue and rolled
on pieces of coloured paper?
>The
>stress was too much and my powers
>flew out of check.
AZMI: Speaking as someone who has more than one
college experience rattling in her memories, I
can sympathize all too well.
>I lived on my
>own for a few years.
MARY: ... with the odd lover or two and a
succession of goldfishes.
>Life was
>getting pretty unbearable.
CALLIOPE: Why? Didn't she inherit a fortune?
>I couldn't hold a job, because
>whenever I got angry, things would
>start exploding."
AZMI: And so, as a last resort, Claire found
herself staring at the doors of DiC.
MARY: ... where she was eventually hired to
voice the Sailor Starlights, the highlight of
her dubbing career.
>"Why didn't you come to the
>Professor for help?"
CALLIOPE: [Claire] What, and ruin a plot device?
>"I don't know. I guess it had
>never crossed my mind that my life
>could get better.
ALL: [facefault]
MARY: How dumb *is* this girl?
AZMI: Now, Mary. She could be just... umm...
ignorant.
>I figured
>that no one was bothering me,
AZMI: [Claire] Because when I turn sideways, I'm
practically invisible!
>so I would just keep going
>the way I was.
>I guess I felt that I
>didn't deserve better."
MARY: Works for me.
AZMI: [reproachfully] That was cruel.
>"Then why come now?"
[TAPSLAUGHT and Calliope clamp their hands on
Mary Sue's shoulders.]
TAPSLAUGHT: NO.
MARY: [sulkily] Fine.
[beat]
AZMI: [Claire] The vibrator's batteries were
running low.
CALLIOPE & TAPSLAUGHT: AZMIFARAYARO!
[Mary Sue and Azmi high-five each other.]
>"Something happened. Something I
>just can't deal with on my own.
>It's just too weird.
AZMI: Honey, you *are* in this fanfic. Deal with
it.
>A few months
>ago, I woke up in a hospital. I
>had no I idea how I had got there.
CALLIOPE: She must have been on the same
spaceship as Scully.
TAPSLAUGHT: AT LEAST SHE DID NOT WAKE UP TO FIND
TWO PLANETS ON HER CHEST.
CALLIOPE: What makes you so sure?
>I had gone to bed in my apartment,
>and woken up there. or at least
>that's what I thought.
MARY: Do you have that guy's phone number? I
want it!
AZMI: What's the use of sex if you can't
remember doing it?
MARY: Point.
CALLIOPE: Ladies, remember something called the
Comics Code?
>Then I
>discovered that they thought I was
>someone else.
TAPSLAUGHT: [doctor] WE THOUGHT YOUR NAME WAS
MARY SUE.
>Clare St. Cloude was
>the name they had me under.
AZMI: [cheerful nurse] Feeling comfy under the
name, miss?
CALLIOPE: That would explain the spelling in the
first chapter... I think.
>Same
>first name, but spelt wrong. And I
>had been there for two weeks.
CALLIOPE: Actually, she had been sedated for the
last week as the hospital staff eventually came
to the heart-wrenching decision of letting her
live.
>The
>killer thing is, it was a whole
>year and a half after I had gone
>to sleep."
MARY: [grandmotherly] And the moral of story is:
never go out dancing with fairies after smoking
weed.
>"Did anyone have any idea who
>Clare St. Cloude was?"
AZMI: She's the second cousin twice removed of
the half sister of your great-great-grandson in
the future.
>The doctors said I was brought in
>by someone claming to be my
>sister.
CALLIOPE: [incredulous] Someone wants to admit
to being related to her?
TAPSLAUGHT: SHOCKING, IS IT NOT? AH, WELL. YOU
CANNOT CHOOSE YOUR RELATIVES, THEY SAY.
>The reason they remembered
>her was because she had rainbow
>coloured hair. They thought we
>must be related.
MARY: [doctor] Well, um... we did notice that
they looked identical, but we thought it was
just the eyeshadow.
>I was in a coma
>when I was brought in.
TAPSLAUGHT: THE DIFFERENCE WAS MINIMAL, ALL
THINGS CONSIDERED.
>She left me
>there and never came back.
AZMI: [singing] Un-break my heart, come back and
say you love me...
>The
>phone number she had given them
>was fake.
CALLIOPE: [doctor] Hello, is that Ms St. Cloude?
MARY: [husky] No, it's Madame Fantastique's
House of Chains and Whips.
CALLIOPE: [glares at Mary Sue]
>I don't know who she
>was.
CALLIOPE: Isn't this girl just a *wee*
suspicious about the similarities between her
and the mysterious person?
TAPSLAUGHT: JUST SMILE, NOD, AND PLOT VENGEANCE.
>I don't have any siblings.
MARY: [Claire] I pushed them ALL out of the
nest. [laughs darkly]
>The
>real reason I came here is to find
>out what happened to me.
CALLIOPE: [Jean] I'm a telepath, not a psychic.
>My powers
>are pretty much under control,
MARY: [Claire] I held my breath until they said
yes!
>although the telepathic ones seem
>to have increased somewhat. Can
>you help me?"
AZMI: [Jean] Let me check our schedule for a
while... [pretends to flip through a book] Is
Tuesday fine with you? The current Mary Sue
should be riding into the sunset with Remy then.
We'll just thaw out another Gambit from the
fridge.
>"We can help you gain better
>control over your powers, Claire.
AZMI: ... and anyway, we need someone to feed
the cat and water the plants while we're away on
a mission.
>As for the rest, maybe we will be
>able to unravel it as we progress.
AZMI: [pretending to be unravelling a ball of
yarn] Here's the telekinesis thread, and here--
ARGH! Dammit, the TK shield and the Mary Sue
Deus Ex Machina are hopelessly tangled!
>----------------------------------
>--------------------------
CALLIOPE: I think we're running out of line
gags.
TAPSLAUGHT: YOU'RE THE MUSE. INSPIRE US.
>Elsewhere
MARY: Down the toilet?
>"I just uncovered something that
>may be of interest to you."
TAPSLAUGHT: THANK YOU, BUT I ALREADY KNOW THAT
SPIDERS HAVE THE SAME BLOOD PRESSURE AS HUMANS.
>"Pray tell, Gryphon. Pray tell."
MARY: ... so that I know if I have to send the
divorce papers.
>"Claire Ross. She's alive.
AZMI: [Xanatos] It's alive! It's ALIVE! I've
always wanted to say that.
>"Are you certain?"
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] No, that pulse could have
been just a maggot under her wrist.
>"Yes. Tristin told me."
MARY: [unknown person] What, that drunk at the
corner? You fool!
>"Wonderful. Bring her to me"
AZMI: ... and a bag of nachos.
>"I will do so immediately."
MARY: [Gryphon] Right after I watch Ally McBeal.
>Gryphon left and the man turned
>back
CALLIOPE: ... unfortunately missing the glint of
a metal blade. Fifteen minutes and a "repainted"
room later, it was over. The end.
>to his computer model of
>a DNA helix. An evil laugh rang
>out.
TAPSLAUGHT: [sarcastic] LET ME PUT MY
CONSIDERABLE INTELLECT INTO SOLVING THIS PUZZLE.
NOW, WHO *COULD* THAT BE?
CALLIOPE: Sinister?
MARY: Dark Beast?
AZMI: I'll put a tenner on the first one.
>----------------------------------
>--------------------------
AZMI: I just realized something... that looks
like an upside-down bed.
MARY: Must've been some wild party up at the X-
Mansion.
>Danger Room
AZMI: Danger, Will Robinson!
MARY: Goddess, it's a room full of mimes!
>"Claire, the purpose of this
>session is just to test the extent
>of your abilities, and the
>degree of control you have over
>them.
MARY: ... and to see if you can keep your hair
looking good and your breasts bouncy, even while
being mauled by the Marauders. Those are very
important criterias for an X-Woman.
>If you get into any trouble,
>we can cancel the session."
AZMI: [Scott, laughing darkly] "Cancel the
session." Surrrrrrreeeeee...
>Pretty standard stuff. I dodge
>some laser bolts, blow up a few
>robots
CALLIOPE: [Claire] Lasers and robots, ho-hum.
Why, in my days I used to fight off a dozen
Sentinels *and* the Hellfire Club while doing
the macarena!
>using instincts I didn't
>know I had and training I don't
>remember receiving.
MARY: Been there, read that, complained about it
in racmx.
AZMI: In other words, Wolverine.
CALLIOPE: And just about every self-insertion
fic out there.
>In the control booth
AZMI: [Pinky] What will we do tonight, Brain?
TAPSLAUGHT: [Brain] SAME THING WE DO EVERY
NIGHT, PINKY -- TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
>"I thought you said that she had
>no training at all."
CALLIOPE: [Jean] Hello? We *are* in a Mary Sue
story, love.
>"That's what she told me, Scott. I
>got no sense that she was lying to
>me."
MARY: [Jean] At least, that's what I assumed.
[exaggerated shudder] I turned tail after five
seconds.
>"But if she was trained, she could
>hide the fact that she was, at
>least superficially."
CALLIOPE: How? Isn't Jean supposed to be the
bloody most powerful telepath on Earth? Anyway,
if they wanted to find out whether she's
trained, shouldn't they start off with a
sparring session with one of the X-Men? Would
that not make more sense than the DANGER ROOM
for her FIRST try?!
TAPSLAUGHT: JUST SMILE AND NOD, QUEEN OF MUSES.
>"It's possible. I wasn't actively
>scanning her. What are you getting
>at?"
MARY: [sarcastic] My, isn't *she* the sharp one.
AZMI: Well, we all know that Jean's IQ has been
cut in half ever since she married Scott. Along
with all of her personality, incidentally.
>"I'm not sure, Jean. Something
>just isn't adding up."
TAPSLAUGHT: LIKE THE LOGIC IN THIS FANFIC, YOU
MEAN.
>Before Jean
>can reply, her attention is drawn
>back to the Danger Room session.
AZMI: [Jean] Oh my! She's stripping to the Star
Wars theme!
>"Claire, look out!"
CALLIOPE: [Scott] Shh! Do you *really* want her
to survive?
>I spin around in time to see a
>huge piston hurtling towards me.
MARY: It's a reject from La Blue Girl!
AZMI: [giggles]
CALLIOPE: [turning to TAPSLAUGHT] Should I even
bother?
TAPSLAUGHT: [thinks for a while] NO.
>I close my eyes and brace for
>impact.
ALL: [chanting] DIE! DIE! DIE!
>Nothing happens.
ALL: [facefault]
>I open my eyes.
MARY: ... and behold the unpleasantly grinning
faces of three brothers.
>"What the..." The piston is
>being held off by a blue aura that
>is surrounding me.
MARY: She's really going all out to preserve her
virginity, isn't she?
CALLIOPE: Mary Sue... one more tasteless joke
like that and you'll be sitting in the corner.
>"Jean?"
AZMI: No, it's Madelyne... wait... no, it's
Redd... whoops, it's really Phoenix this week.
>"It's not me, Scott.
MARY: [Jean] It was that funny-looking wizard
with the walking luggage.
>Claire is
>doing it by herself. Claire what's
>going on?"
CALLIOPE: [Claire] The Deus Ex Machina is
kicking in!
>"I don't know!" I yell, panic
>seeping into my voice. "I've never
>done this before!
MARY: It'll hurt a little at first, but--
[notices Calliope's hard, unforgiving glare]
Fine, I'll shut up now...
>What is it?"
TAPSLAUGHT: I AM THE ANGEL OF VENGEANCE, COME TO
SMITE THEE ON BEHALF OF GOOD FANFIC EVERYWHERE!
>"It's a TK shield, Claire. Calm
>down."
AZMI: [Jean] And please, remove your teeth from
my calf.
>"How do I turn it off?"
CALLIOPE: Hitting your head repeatedly with
heavy objects usually helps.
AZMI: [Jean] Put a piece of bubblegum in your
belly button!
CALLIOPE: Yuk. Thank you for that wonderful
mental image.
>"Open your mind to me."
MARY: [Jean] Claire, I did NOT need to know
about you, Gambit, and a boysenberry pie.
>Jean hits
>the cancel button and the piston
>disappears.
AZMI: [Claire, sniffling] But we were just
getting to know each other!
MARY: [husky] We'll always have the Danger Room.
>"Okay." The bubble vanishes.
AZMI: Guys? I don't know about you, but I'm
getting *very bad* flashbacks of those sentient
pink bubbles in "The New Rebellion".
>"Apparently, this is a new
>manifestation of your powers.
CALLIOPE: What is it now, the 47th?
TAPSLAUGHT: OF ABOUT 666.
>Since you seem to have perfect
>control of your other abilities,"
CALLIOPE: I wouldn't call not being able to shut
off her TK shield "perfect control", lad.
TAPSLAUGHT: HE SAID *OTHER* ABILITIES.
CALLIOPE: [ungraciously] My mistake.
>There is suspicion in Cyclops'
>voice,
MARY: [Scott] We have a traitor in our midst!
AZMI: [Bishop] That's *my* agenda, you thief!
CALLIOPE: [Remy] Gambit's th' one an' only t'ief
'round here, Tattoo Boy.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Ororo] I BEG YOUR PARDON? *KRAK-
BOOM!*
>"We will work on
>controlling and extending this
>power."
CALLIOPE: [Scott] Then, we'll send you out as
target practice!
>----------------------------------
>----------------------------------
>--------------
AZMI: [newscaster] Newsflash: Last night,
Subreality was buried under three metres of
snow. Officials are not saying anything, but it
is believed that a pack of disgruntled Mutant
X's Ice-Mans were responsible for the incident.
>The past few weeks have gone well.
MARY: I got the beanie babies I sent for, and
slept with three different X-Men!
>I've learned to use my TK shilde to
>not only for defence, but
>ofence as well.
CALLIOPE: By picking up people and bashing them
against her TK shield?
>I am able to
>capture small objects and hurl
>them across the room,
TAPSLAUGHT: I TREMBLE IN FEAR.
>or use the
>shild itself as a kind of
>exoskeleton, addindg power to
>punches and kicks.
CALLIOPE: That's "adding", and you misspelled
"shield" again.
AZMI: I wonder if she could make her shield
opaque...
MARY: Why?
AZMI: So we could use it to avoid reading this
fic.
>I have also
>became friends with some of the
>X-men.
CALLIOPE: Just as tasty as the X-Men, but with
99% less steroid and silicone.
>Gambit and Wolverine in
>particular have became the people
>I am most inclined to talk to,
AZMI: Every fangirl's dream.
MARY: If Claire gets together with Gambit, I'm
out of here... hunting her throughout
Subreality.
>all
>though all Storm , Rogue, and Jean
>are equaly good company.
CALLIOPE: [Rogue] We're just waitin' f'r th'
raight moment ta arrange a lil'... accident.
>For the
>most part, my life has taken on
>some meaning.
AZMI: Couldn't you just take up collecting
pocket lint?
MARY: Or growing tea somewhere in Tibet.
>I do not know if I
>will stay here once my training is
>compleat,
CALLIOPE: That's "complete".
TAPSLAUGHT: WHICH I SINCERELY HOPE THIS STORY
WILL BE SOON.
>but I feel secure here
AZMI: ... except for the Marauders, Sentinels,
Bastion, Magneto, Friends of Humanity, Sinister,
Apocalypse and other assorted baddies. But it's
really quite safe here, if you don't count the
mad priest lady next door.
>and the idea of working to help
>other people apeals to me.
AZMI: ... by destroying half of New York, we're
helping millions of construction workers to stay
employed!
MARY: [Claire] I love spandex and retcons.
>The
>X-men have helped me find myself
>again after so much lost time.
CALLIOPE: [Remy] Here's th' map and th' s'ovel,
chere.
>End Part Two.
ALL: THANK THE SUPREME BEING!
> Onto Part
>Three of Claire's Confusion
ALL: WAUGGGGGHHHH!
AZMI: When will the hurting stop?
>Father's Sins
MARY: He should've gotten the vasectomy.
CALLIOPE: Look sharp, people. The doors are
open!
AZMI: [weakly] Let's get out of here.
[They leave, wobbling slightly.]
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