SATELLITE #1013'S KITCHEN
The kitchen of the satellite was fully equipped with
the latest in cooking technology, including a small
replicator. It was incongrously festooned with floral
patterns, from the blue-and-white tiles to the red
daisies tablecloth. The fine china plates had
chrysanthemums on them, with matching cutlery. It was
a kitchen where the cast of "A Bug's Life" would feel
at home.
However, the "floral diarrhea" (to use Mary Sue's
description) was more than balanced by the glum faces
of its current occupants. Azmi had buried her head in
her arms, occasionally banging it on the table.
Calliope was cheerfully preparing grilled lamb chops,
and only her fellow prisoners recognized the homicidal
gleam in her eyes as she studied the knives.
TAPSLAUGHT sat silently beside Mary Sue, who was
polishing off the last of her yellowtail sushi and
green tea.
"At least we know we won't starve up here," Mary
tentatively pointed out.
*THUNK!*
Smiling maniacally, the Muse cut the meat into two
pieces, putting both into a rose-patterned bowl. As
she seasoned them with black pepper, she said evenly,
"Cold comfort."
"PAINFUL, YOU MEAN."
"That, too." Calliope's grip on the pepper grinder
tightened.
Azmi slowly raised her head. "I don't know about you,
guys, but I don't think I can survive the next part...
at least, not this soon." She pressed a hand against
her temple, wincing slightly. "God, I haven't felt
this bad since I fought TAPSLAUGHT... ah, no
offence..."
"NONE TAKEN," TAPSLAUGHT assured her. "AND I CONCUR."
"I don't think I'm up to facing the next part either,"
Mary confessed.
A haunted look passed through the Muse's face as she
set down the bowl, sitting down with uncharacteristic
heaviness. "I am a deity, practically a goddess! Why
do I not have control over this, DAMN IT TO HELL?
WHY?!"
TAPSLAUGHT sighed. "I HAVE THE UNSETTLING FEELING THAT
WE ARE MERE PAWNS IN GAME MEANT TO AMUSE OTHERS...
LIKE CHARACTERS IN A STORY."
"So instead of a supreme being who created the world
from the entrails of his parent, we have loons powered
on alcohol and caffeine?" Mary Sue snorted. "How
comforting."
Something huge, white, and plastic landed in the
middle of the table, missing Azmi by mere milimetres
as it rested in front of her nose. With a startled
oath she jumped up, staring at the square object.
"What the bloody hell is *that*?" she demanded,
looking up at the ceiling. Confirming her half-formed
suspicions, there were no signs suggesting that it had
in fact fallen through the roof.
"It looks like... a giant computer key," Calliope
began, poking at it with a ladle. "You know, from the
keyboard?"
"INDEED. A 'Q', AS A MATTER OF FACT."
Mary Sue waved her hands. "Time out, people. The
questions here are: Why, and how?"
"Wait a minute," said Azmi cautiously. "We were
talking about being characters in a story when this
happened... do you guys think that we just broke
through the fourth wall?"
Shocked gasps and curses greeted her speculation.
Calliope stared at the key, as if daring it to jump up
and bite her. TAPSLAUGHT's expression was very
similar, except that she looked as if she almost
*hoped* that the key would attack.
"This is too weird," Mary commented. "But it makes
sense. But why..."
The usual sirens and alarms drowned the rest of her
words, sending shudders down the spines of all four.
Ths time, though, no shouts or hullaballoo greeted the
ruckus.
"We've got fanfic sign," they sighed, trudging off
towards the theatre.
[Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1. The ladies
shuffle towards their seats, clearly dreading the
experience]
AZMI: [false cheer] C'mon guys, I *know* we can do
this!
TAPSLAUGHT: WHATEVER YOU SAY...
CALLIOPE: [tightly] I *will* get out of this thing
alive, even if it kills me.
MARY: Excuse me--
CALLIOPE: Shut up, Mary Sue.
>The X-MEN and stuff are the
>property of Marvel Comics.
CALLIOPE: Is that what they're calling "crap writing"
nowadays?
>Don't
>Sue me please.
AZMI: No worries. Claire's the Mary Sue, honey.
>Claire Ross is MY
>character. This story is MINE.
TAPSLAUGHT: *BOOM!* THE MINE HAS DETONATED, FLINGING
BLOODY PIECES OF CLAIRE ROSS EVERYWHERE.
>If
>you steal my characters at least
>let me know.
MARY: Dear Timesprite, I'm writing a Subreality Cafe
story about a Mary Sue Convention, so could I use your
character? I'm awarding her with the Jean Grey
Lifetime Achievement award!
> Claire's
>Confusion
CALLIOPE: Also known as "The Sentient Mud".
>Part 3
AZMI: Three, four, lock the door!
>Father's Sins
MARY: [Claire's mother, sobbing] I *said* I wanted a
dog!
>I was banging around the house.
AZMI: *BANG!* Ow! *BANG!* Ow! *BANG!* Ow! *BANG!* Ow!
*BANG!* Ow!
MARY: She was banging around the house? Does she have
enough condoms for that?
CALLIOPE: *Someone's* begging for a time-out...
MARY: [grumbles]
>Every one had gone off to calm
>down some riot started by the
>FOH,
TAPSLAUGHT: [Scott] A FEW OF ORORO'S HURRICANES SHOULD
DO THE TRICK.
MARY: [random X-Man] Actually, we were going bar-
crawling. We just wanted to get away from Claire as
much as possible.
>and because I wasn't an
>active member of the team,
AZMI: ... I had to put Wolvie out and clean the
bathrooms.
>I got
>put on guard duty.
MARY: Aww, is the mighty Claire St. Sue feeling just a
tad underappreciated?
>I was in an
>unbelievably bad mood. I had
AZMI: ... no arse to kick, and I'm all out of
bubblegum!
MARY: ... wasted all my jello on Remy, and he didn't
even pay me!
TAPSLAUGHT: ... LOST AT DOOM TO ARTIE!
CALLIOPE: ... PMS!
>started off the morning
AZMI: [singing] Wake up, it's a beautiful morning!
CALLIOPE: The sun was shining, the birds were singing,
and the ashes of the Mary Sue bonfire works great as
fertilizer!
>by
>destroying my alarm clock.
AZMI: Claire *is* Garfield in disguise!
>Then I
>got into a fight with Scott.
MARY: [Scott] Darling, I am not wearing that garter
belt for tonight.
AZMI: [Claire] But... but... I have the frozen
cucumber all ready!
CALLIOPE: Ladies...
>Again. This time it was about
>Gambit.
AZMI: [Claire] He does too have a tattoo!
MARY: [Scott] But one of Rogue on his butt? Claire,
have you been eating those mushrooms again?
>Cyclops had called him a
TAPSLAUGHT: [Scott, breathy] A HANDSOME TASTY HUNK OF
A MAN!
CALLIOPE: Not you, too...
>slacker, and since he wasn't
>present to defend himself, I did.
ALL: [fidget]
CALLIOPE: Zeus, *please*, *please* tell it's not a
fangirl fantasy I'm smelling.
>Was it just me, or hadn't anyone
>else notice how depressed he was
>acting.
AZMI: [sarcastic] No, of course not. It's not like
Ororo's his best friend, Rogue's practically grafted
to his side, Bishop's watching him like a hawk, and
Jean's the bloody frigging most powerful telepath on
Earth, is it now?
>Most nights he didn't get
>back 'till 5am.
CALLIOPE: Which begets the question of how, exactly,
did she know that?
MARY: [Uhura] Captain, the stalker is hailing us.
>If he came home at
>all.
AZMI: [Remy] Gambit's sure you're all won'dring why he
called dis meeting. I've been t'inking 'bout life
lately an' seems dat it's lacking meaning... well, no
more. Gambit's just found de answer: I be joining a
Buddhist monastery in the Himalayas.
>My thoughts were interrupted
>by a noise downstairs.
CALLIOPE: Going dowstairs to check, Claire was
distracted by a pretty shiny dime she found on the
stairs. This proved to be her undoing, as moments
later an axe cleaved its way through her skull. The
end.
>"Remy?"
>
>No answer, but it must be him.
MARY: [Claire] I can sense his AURA!
>Who
>else could have bypassed all of
>the perimeter defenses?
ALL: [laugh]
AZMI: Well, I dunno, Claire... considering the number
of times and the ease of which the perimeter defenses
has been breached, I figure that it's just a Girl
Scout selling cookies.
>I run
>over to a computer terminal.
CALLIOPE: [Picard] Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.
>"Computer, locate Gambit."
>"Nonaplicable. Designate: Gambit
>is not on grounds."
MARY: [Claire] Dammit! And I just bought this pink
teddy today!
>"Computer, who else is in the
>house?"
TAPSLAUGHT: [computer] CLAIRE ROSS AND CONVENIENT PLOT
DEVICES ARE ON THE GROUNDS.
>"Designate: Claire Ross is only
>registered personnel on grounds."
TAPSLAUGHT: [Computer] MARY SUE DEFENCE SYSTEM ONLINE.
OBJECTIVE: TERMINATE CLAIRE ROSS.
OTHERS: [cheer and clap]
>Now I'm gettin' worried.
CALLIOPE: "Gettin'"? She must have been hanging around
Rogue for far too long.
>I head downstairs
AZMI: ... to get some strawberry juice and conquer the
Romulans.
ALL: [shiver]
>and here some shouting.
CALLIOPE: Lending more credence to the theory that
Claire is Marissa with a dye job, we present the use
of "here" instead of "hear".
>"where are you? i know you're
>here! come out!"
MARY: ... of the closet? Wow, I didn't know Claire
swings that way.
>I went down the main hall towards
>the front hall. I can hear things
>being knocked over.
AZMI: [sarcastic] The suspense is killing me.
>I inch
>forward and peek around the
>corner.
CALLIOPE: Ah, the Gillian Anderson situation. A few
months of peeking around corridors, body doubles, and
above-waist shots.
>What, or who, I see
>startles me.
MARY: It was the Anti-Mary Sue, primed and ready for
some bazooka action.
AZMI: Nah. It said "startles", not "scares me
witless".
>The person, a woman,
>looks almost identical to me.
AZMI: [Claire] Let's re-enact Lauryn Hill's "Doo Wop"
video!
>And
>she doesn't seem happy .
CALLIOPE: I am your good counterpart in a mirror
universe, and I have come to save this world from YOU.
>"You
>looking for someone?"
MARY: [Claire 2] I need another woman for a threesome
with Gambit and, well... I have this fetish about--
CALLIOPE: Mary Sue!
>"you! you're going to pay for
>taking my life away!"
CALLIOPE: Cat got your capital letters?
AZMI: Maybe it's an artistic thing. Y'know, like e.e.
cummings.
TAPSLAUGHT: I DOUBT IT.
>What?!?
AZMI: Our reaction to this fanfic, encapsulated in one
word.
MARY: I thought it was "KILL!!!"
>Before I can respond she
>hurls a coffee table at me.
AZMI: Fear the wrath of a glossy hardcover and a
rather nice table mat!
>My TK
>shield snaps up and the table
>shatters. I felt that!
MARY: She has Cecelia Reyes' power now?
AZMI: Logically speaking, she couldn't have felt that
through her TK shield. Flung off her feet by the force
of the table, perhaps, but not feel the actual impact.
At least, not physically.
CALLIOPE: Logic dictates that she strangles herself by
her her own TK shield chapters ago, but we didn't see
that happen, did we now?
>I use my
>shield to hurl her across the
>room, and slam her into the wall.
CALLIOPE: Ah, now I get it. She's the X-Men version of
Invisible Woman.
TAPSLAUGHT: SuSaN rIcHaRdS wIlL nOt Be PlEaSeD...
>She gets up and the window next to
>me explodes. The glass bounces off
>and falls to the floor.
AZMI: INTENSE... CATFIGHT... ACTION!
>"Hey, can
>we talk this out?"
MARY: [Claire] I'm too much of a wuss to use my
souped-up powers!
>"no! you took everything i had
>away from me!"
AZMI: [Claire 2, sobbing] My matchbox collection...
>"You're nuts!
AZMI: Which flavour?
MARY: Azmi, give that joke a merciful death.
>I have no idea what
>you're talking about!"
CALLIOPE: [Claire] My head is hollow!
OTHERS: [snicker]
>She starts
>to reply, but before she can, a
>blue light and a noise like
>ripping fabric makes her stop in
>her tracks.
AZMI: Commander Ivanova, the jump gate just opened!
>A man with white hair
>materializes in the middle of the
>room.
CALLIOPE: I hope it's Apollo, with the rest of
Stormwatch Black close behind.
MARY: Yeah, they wouldn't put up with this nonsense
for a second. A huge smoking crater, anyone?
CALLIOPE: [Jenny Sparks] And you're getting only what
you deserve.
>Something about him sends a
>shiver down my spine.
AZMI: Jeez, turn down the air-conditioning!
>I
>recognize him from somewhere.....
MARY: [Claire] Were you the centerfold for the March
issue of Playgirl?
>"Clare!" I start to say something.
CALLIOPE: [white-haired man] Not you, you idiot.
>"Not you, her."
TAPSLAUGHT: [to Calliope] CLOSE ENOUGH.
CALLIOPE: No... see, the meaning changes without the
"idiot".
TAPSLAUGHT: HOPEFULLY THAT WOULD ALSO HAPPEN WITH THE
STORY.
>He says pointing
>to the other girl.
AZMI: [Poirot] It was you, was it not?
>"What on earth
>do you think you are doing? We
>need her alive!"
CALLIOPE: [white-haired man] We need fresh meat --
kill her close to cooking time.
>"she took my life away! she
>deserves to die!"
MARY: I agree, but could you please get in line? Scott
has dibs on her already.
>"You never had a life! You just
>borrowed hers!"
AZMI: [white-haired man] Now give it back! Bad girl!
Bad!
>He yells.
CALLIOPE: Suddenly, his voice erupted into a sonic
scream, shattering the eardrums of everyone in the
room. They die painfully. The end.
>The
>other woman, Clare, I guess,
>shrinks back visibly from him.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Clare] YOU'VE GOT REALLY BAD BREATH,
MISTER.
>She
>reminds me of a beaten dog, of
>myself at a point in time I don't
>want to remember.
AZMI: [Claire} Although I vaguely remember the
tentacles...
CALLIOPE: *Ick*.
>"Claire, yes I'm
>talking to you now, you've been a
>very bad girl.
MARY: [Claire] Then punish me, master! Use the riding
crop! Punish me!
CALLIOPE: Mary Sue...
MARY: [sulky] No risque lines. I know.
CALLIOPE: Actually, I was going to point out that you
just recycled Azmifarayaro's joke.
MARY: [facefaults]
>He knows you're
>still alive, so he sent me to
>collect you."
CALLIOPE: ... so he can have the pleasure of killing
you himself.
OTHERS: ...
MARY: Watch a lot of John Woo movies, Calliope?
CALLIOPE: [offended] Hey, the violence in Woo's films
is *artistic* violence.
>The twinkle in
>Gryphon's eyes terrify me.
AZMI: [Claire] They remind me of Barney's eyes just
before he sings!
>A wave
>of suppressed memories come
>flooding to the surface.
AZMI: [Claire] Hmm... popcorn... theatre... "The
Postman"? AIEEEE!!!
>"NO!" I scream and knock him to
>the floor.
MARY: [Gryphon] So are you getting off me, or were you
just getting comfortable?
>Gryphon struggles away
>from my blows.
CALLIOPE: It's like dodging mayflies... harmless, but
annoying.
>"I'm not going
>back!
AZMI: [Claire, sobbing] They don't have chocolate
pudding!
>I Won't be apart of his
>experiments any longer!"
MARY: [Claire] The apple pie was fine, but I draw the
line at his doughnuts!
>"Have it your way. You're only
>delaying the inevitable.
AZMI: [mad scientist] Rob Liefield *will* take over
all the X-books! Mwahahaha!!!
OTHERS: EVIL!
>I'll be
>back.
TAPSLAUGHT: AT THIS POINT, I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT SEEING
ARNOLD BEAT THE STUFFING OUT OF GRYPHON FOR STEALING
HIS LINE DOESN'T SOUND TOO BAD...
>And I'll keep coming until
>you slip up.
MARY: Does he have enough fluids in his body to do
that?
CALLIOPE: MARY SUE!
>Then you'll come back
>where you belong."
>He and Clare
>disappeared.
CALLIOPE: ... into the void where none return,
dragging Claire along with them. They were never heard
of again.
TAPSLAUGHT: I *WISH*.
>He wasn't ready for
>me this time, but he's right. I
>can't keep him away for long.
MARY: Somehow, I'm reminded of that scene in "The
Birds" where they covered all the windows with
planks...
>It's
>time to tell the truth.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Claire] THE TRUTH IS, I DESERVE TO DIE.
>----------------------------------
>--------------------------
AZMI: [singing] Bricks are falling on Claire's head...
>"What the hell happened here!?!" I
>knew Scott would be mad, but he
>looks like he's going to have a
>coronary.
CALLIOPE: [Scott] You have a CLONE?! Now we'll have
that Inferno mess all over again!
>"There was an intruder." I say as
>calmly as possible. "Two,
>actually."
>
>"What do you mean? If there were
>intruders, all of the defenses
>would have gone off!"
>
>"Your defenses aren't as good as
>you think. Check the records for
>massive energy signatures. You'll
>see what I mean."
>
>"I don't believe you! No one can
>get past the security system!"
>
>"Acutely, Gambit does all the
>time." I pointed out "
>
>Don't bring him into this! What
>really happened here? Did you
>loose your temper again? "
>
>"Me? You're the one who's flipping
>out! I don't have to listen to
>this! I'm out here!"
ALL: [stunned silence]
MARY: This is *so* out of character for Scott, I don't
think I can riff this conversation without having him
kill Claire a hundred times over.
CALLIOPE: What does she mean, Gambit gets past the
security system all the time? He's one of the bloody
X-Men, for Zeus' sakes, of course the security system
wouldn't identify him as an intruder!
TAPSLAUGHT: YOU WOULD THINK THAT AS A LEADER OF THE X-
MEN, SUMMERS WOULD BE MORE CONCERNED AS TO CLAIRE'S
WELFARE RATHER THAN ASSIGNING THE BLAME.
AZMI: [shakes head] This is wrong...
>I storm
AZMI: You Wolverine!
MARY: Ororo's not going to be pleased...
>out
>of the house and slam the front
>door.
ALL: [jump in their seats]
CALLIOPE: Turn down the sound!
>Cyclops comes running out
>after me.
MARY: ... with a wickedly sharp rapier.
AZMI: [Scott] My name is Scott Summers. You killed my
personality. Prepare to die.
>"Come back! You can't just take
>off! Do you hear me?!"
CALLIOPE: [Scott] Not without a healthy, nutritious
breakfast!
>I spot Gambit coming up the drive
>on his Harley. I flag him down.
MARY: A Close Encounter With the Lame Kind.
CALLIOPE: Claire or Gambit?
MARY: Take your pick.
>"What is it, chere?"
CALLIOPE: [Gambit] Y'r Deus Ex Machina ran out of oil?
[coughs]
>"I need to get out of here." I say
>climbing on behind him.
MARY: I don't think I've ever seen that position in
the Kama Sutra...
TAPSLAUGHT: [warningly] MARY SUE.
MARY: That's Calliope's line, Armour Woman.
TAPSLAUGHT: HER THROAT IS SOMEWHAT SORE IMPERSONATING
GAMBIT'S ACCENT, SO I'M HELPING OUT.
>"Let's go!"
AZMI: [singing] Hey ho, let's go!
>"Where to?"
CALLIOPE: Over a cliff?
>"I don't care. Away from him." I
>point in the direction of Scott,
>who is still yelling and waving
>his hands.
AZMI: There's someone in the back! There's someone in
the back!
MARY: *You* watched "Urban Legends"?
AZMI: [shrugs] I was bored.
>"What y' do to make him so mad at
>y'?"
CALLIOPE: [Claire, valley girl] I'm me. Duh.
>"You don't want to know."
>
>"Dat bad, huh?"
MARY: [Claire] Let's just say that mutants don't react
well to Viagra...
CALLIOPE: [exasperated] Will you just *stop* it?
>"Let's just say that the front
>room looks like a bomb has been
>detonated in there.
AZMI: [Claire] I was testing out my latest recipe!
TAPSLAUGHT: ... FOR DISASTER.
>It wasn't my
>fault though, I was attacked." He
>laughs.
CALLIOPE: ... hysterically, finally breaking down and
weeping. [Remy] "Y' mean dey din' succeed?!"
>"I'm so glad you find my
>problems humorous."
AZMI: [Claire] I will BURN you with a look!
MARY: Shh! Who knows what power she's hiding?
>We take a ride
>for a while.
CALLIOPE: [Claire] Remy? Are we supposed to be riding
into the sea?
>I relax. I guess it's
>just from being around Scott to
>much,
MARY: Oh, of *course* we wouldn't want that. Why, we
might actually learn to be an *interesting* character!
AZMI: Now, Mary...
MARY: I didn't hear *you* protesting at the "cruelty"
earlier.
AZMI: Ehh... the fanfic was getting to me.
MARY: [mumbling] Cop-out.
>but Remy seems to be one of
>the most laid back guys I've ever
>met.
TAPSLAUGHT: THAT IS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT CHARACTER-BASHING, *AND* USUALLY SCORES BEFORE
THE END OF THE STORY.
CALLIOPE: TAPSLAUGHT... are you all right?
TAPSLAUGHT: NO.
>I don't feel like I have to
>hid things from him.
AZMI: Yep, that truth serum is really potent.
>We pull over
>and sit in the grass.
MARY: Look out for-- aw, damn! They sat on the dog
poo!
>"Care t' talk 'bout what's been
>eaten' at y'?"
AZMI: [Remy, singing] Pour y'r misery down on me, pour
y'r misery down on me...
>"Not really. It's just that Scott
>doesn't trust me one bit,
MARY: ...
AZMI: [worried look at Mary Sue] No, Claire, you got
it wrong. *Bishop's* the Mulder fan, remember?
>and I
>feel like everything I've been
>working at for these last few
>months is starting to cave in.
MARY: [hopeful] Her TK shield is going to collapse and
crush her to death?
OTHERS: [big sweatdrops]
>A
>part of me I thought I had buried
>is comin' to the surface.
CALLIOPE: In the shallow grave sort of sense.
>Stuff in
>my past I thought I had escaped is
>coming back to haunt me."
AZMI: [Claire, hysterical] I didn't mean to kill the
hook-handed man! I swear I didn't!
>"Gambit knows what y' mean."
MARY: [Remy] Dem sailors, dey never know how t' keep
deir mouth shut.
>"You? You seem like the last
>person who would try to hid from
>something they did."
CALLIOPE: That's "hide".
TAPSLAUGHT: SOMETHING CLAIRE SHOULD BE DOING, IF MARY
SUE'S EXPRESSION IS ANY JUDGE.
MARY: [undertone] Die...
>He laughs again. "Appearances can
>be deceiving, chere."
AZMI: Standard cliche for any slasher film.
>"I guess everyone has their
>secrets and their shame, huh?"
MARY: For example, you would never guess that Kitty is
one of the pioneers of cyber-s--
CALLIOPE: That's enough, Mary Sue.
>"Oui."
>
>"Well, maybe we should head back.
CALLIOPE: [Remy] But chere... de incinerator's a nice
place.
>Cyke has had enough time to cool
>down, I hope."
MARY: He also has had enough time to find a chainsaw,
I hope.
>----------------------------------
>--------------------------
AZMI: Lookit at all the flying pancakes...
CALLIOPE: You've been watching "Space: Above and
Beyond", Azmifarayaro?
>Meanwhile
MARY: ... the explosives were set, and ready to be
detonated upon the arrival of a certain annoying
person.
>"Jean, I did some checking up on
>our house guest."
AZMI: Something Harrison Ford should've done.
>"Scott, why on earth would you do
>that?"
MARY: I hate to say this, but... *Duh*, Jean.
TAPSLAUGHT: HAS SHE BEEN TAKING BIMBO PILLS?
>"I told you I was
>suspicious, Jean. She has been
>lying to us."
AZMI: [Scott] Barbie's sister is named Skipper, not
Skippy!
>"About what?" concern sounding in
>her voice.
CALLIOPE: We have another character named Concern who
talks in Jean's voice?
TAPSLAUGHT: YOU DELIBERATELY MISUNDERSTOOD THAT,
DIDN'T YOU?
CALLIOPE: Damn straight.
>A dark look crossed Scott's face.
MARY: [dark look] Don't mind me... just passing
through.
>"Her mother. She didn't leave
>Claire, she died. Claire killed
>her."
ALL: GASP!
MARY: Please note the important plot point, brought to
you by Scott "Bastard" Summers.
>"I can't believe that Scott. I
>won't believe it. There must be a
>mistake."
CALLIOPE: Can you just *feel* the passion in her
defence?
AZMI: She must be just reading the script... I know
*I* would.
>"Do you remember the fight she
>told us about? Well, her mom was
>standing near a window when it
>exploded. Her mom bleed to death
>before help could arrive."
>
>"Claire isn't a murderer, Scott.
>Just the victim of an unfortunate
>accident."
MARY: Hello? Isn't Scott intelligent enough to realize
that? Has *he* been taking bimbo pills?
CALLIOPE: I think that he would use the more formal
"mother" too, rather than "mom".
AZMI: Guys? If we're going to pick apart the
characterization, we'll be here until Remy marries
Rogue in the comics. Can it.
>"I'd say her mother was the
>victim." He mumbled.
CALLIOPE: She escaped early from this fic. What has
*she* to complain about?
>"I heard that. I really think
>you're being unfair. You never
>seem willing to give anyone the
>benefit of a doubt."
MARY: [makes choking/growling sounds]
AZMI: [sighs] Does "Remy" and "Jubilee" ring a bell?
>"I'm just looking out for
>everyone's well being."
CALLIOPE: At least he's allowed to defend himself...
MARY: [sarcastic] Oh yeah, *that'll* hold up.
>"I know, Dear.
AZMI: Jean is married to God?
CALLIOPE: Hush.
>You just try to
>hard sometimes. I'll go talk to
>Claire.
AZMI: [Scott] Jean, don't! You'll get assimilated!
>Maybe it will make more
>sense once we hear her side of the
>story."
MARY: Lady, we're a long way past "sense".
>"Maybe." He sounded doubtful.
TAPSLAUGHT: I KNOW THE FEELING.
>Knock knock
AZMI: Who's there?
CALLIOPE: Kosh.
AZMI: Kosh who?
CALLIOPE: Gesundheit! [laughs]
MARY: If you two are finished with the "Babylon 5"
skit, can we move on?
>"Claire? Can we talk?"
CALLIOPE: [Logan] Less yappin', more scrappin'.
>"I guess. What do you want?"
AZMI: [singing] I want to live, I want to run through
the jungle, the wind in my hair and the sand at my
feet...
>"Well...Scott seems to think that
>you haven't been completely honest
>with us."
TAPSLAUGHT: [Claire] OKAY... I ADMIT IT, I WAS THE ONE
WHO TILTED THE EARTH'S AXIS.
AZMI: [shudder] Thank goodness Marvel didn't go with
that plot for the Magneto War.
>I chuckled. "Yeah, well, does it
>count as lying if you didn't
>remember the truth before today?"
CALLIOPE: An interesting logic problem.
MARY: Yeah. Sort of like, "If a tree fell on Claire in
the woods, would anyone care?"
>"No, I guess it doesn't. What did
>you remember?"
MARY: [Jean] Just not the parts with you, Remy, and a
tub of kiwifruit jello, please.
>" My mom." Tears welled up in my
>eyes "I killed her. I didn't mean
>too..."
AZMI: ... the fairies made me do it!
>"It's okay."
CALLIOPE: Jean, she committed manslaughter. Take an IQ
pill.
>"And my dad." Jean was startled to
>see the pain in Claire's eyes turn
>to rage.
AZMI: [Claire] He didn't let me go to the prom, damn
him to hell!
>"I remember what he did
>to me. He used me.
MARY: ... as bait for the chicks!
>Jean, he sold
>me to geneticists as a guinea pig!
CALLIOPE: ... providing hours of amusement as I run on
the wheel in my cage.
>No human being deserves to be
>treated the way I was!"
AZMI: [grudging] True enough.
MARY: Even for Claire?
AZMI: [clearly torn] Well... yes, even for Claire.
>"It's all right, Claire." Jean
>tried to hide the astonishment in
>her voice.
AZMI: [Jean] *You're* the third Summers brother?
>"All right! How can that be all
>right?"
MARY: [Claire] I'm a woman, dammit! I *can't* be the
third Summers brother.
>"I'm not saying what he did was
>right. It's horrifying. "
AZMI: [Jean] You're my long-lost clone sister!
>"Jean, can you do me a favor?"
CALLIOPE: [Claire] Shoot me. Please.
>"What?"
TAPSLAUGHT: [Jean] SCOTT HAS DIBS ON YOUR DEATH FIRST.
>"Look into my mind. Help me to see
>everything that has happened to
>me."
AZMI: [Jean] Everything?
MARY: [Claire] Well... if you see black silk boxers,
bail out.
>"Normally I wouldn't but if you're
>sure..."
>
>"Yes. I want to remember."
AZMI: [Claire] Except my first date. And most of my
high school years.
>#Okay. Just relax.#
CALLIOPE: [Jean] This psionic knife won't hurt a
*bit*. [laughs darkly]
>I found myself standing on a gray
>windswept plane. #Is this my
>mind?#
CALLIOPE: [Jean] Yes, down to the curiously two-
dimensional feel.
>#It is a representation of it,
>yes. Do you see that broken wall
>over there?#
TAPSLAUGHT: [Jean, fussy] WOULD IT TROUBLE YOU AT
LEAST SWEEP AWAY THE RUBBLE? YOUNGSTERS NOWADAYS...
>#Yes.#
>
>#That is the 'wall' that broke
>down and released your memories#
CALLIOPE: Odd... I thought it represented our sanity
while reading this.
>#And that one?# I pointed to a
>huge monolith standing near by.
MARY: Freudian imagery... overwhelming...
AZMI & MARY: [giggle madly]
>#I would say that some
>particularly deserting memories
>lie behind that wall.#
AZMI: [to Calliope] What does "deserting" mean in this
context?
CALLIOPE: I don't think I've ever seen anyone use
"deserting" like that.
TAPSLAUGHT: PERHAPS HERE IT MEANS "TURNING SOMETHING
INTO A DESERT".
MARY: Like this story's effect on our brains.
TAPSLAUGHT: EXACTLY.
>#Do you think that it will come
>down by itself?#
MARY: [huge grin]
CALLIOPE: Oh no, you don't!
MARY: You're such a spoilsport.
>#I believe it will. Once you are
>emotionally ready to deal with
>them.#
AZMI: Anyone wanna bet that she remembers *before*
she's emotionally ready?
>#Thank you, Jean. #
>
>"You're welcome."
MARY: IfyaknowhatImean!
>I opened my eyes.
CALLIOPE: ... to see rows of sharp, shining teeth
dripping with blood.
>"I'll leave you alone for a while,
>to think this all over."
MARY: [Jean] And remember, while this particular
position may have its benefits, I urge that you try
the Two Dogs with Chopstick position.
CALLIOPE: MARY SUE!
>Knock knock
AZMI: I suddenly have the urge to sing "Knocking on
Heaven's Door".
MARY: Let's hope that Claire will be knocking on the
door of the *other* place.
>"Hello, Remy."
>
>"Hi."
CALLIOPE: [flatly] I am overwhelmed by the hidden
undercurrent of passion in the three words.
>"So..what do you want?"
AZMI: [singing] Oooh don't you wanna break her? Oooh
don't you wanna take her home?
>"I saw Jeanie leavein' an' I
>wanted to make sure y' were okay."
MARY: [Remy] Y'd never guess it, but Jeannie's quite
de dominatrix type...
CALLIOPE: [sighs]
>"Yeah, I remembered some things
>about my past. Some really
>horrible stuff. But I'm okay now.
>Mostly."
AZMI: [Claire] I'm trying to sound strong, but I'm
really traumatized. Hold me.
>"Dat's good chere." He turned to
>go.
CALLIOPE: ... hitting himself on the door and dying
instantly.
>"Remy?"
>
>"Chere?"
TAPSLAUGHT: [Claire] YOUR FLY'S OPEN.
>"About before, thanks for
>listening. I really needed to blow
>off some steam."
AZMI: [singing] I'm a little teapot, short and
stout... this is my handle, this is my spout...
[Suddenly, without warning, the screen fizzles and
goes black]
MARY: What the hell?!
TAPSLAUGHT: THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL FOR US.
CALLIOPE: [leaping to her feet] The door just opened!
Let's go!
[They run for it.]
The air outside the theatre was tainted with smoke and
the smell of ozone, made worse by a drastic decrease
in temperature. Rosavenger lounged like a panther in
front of the theatre doors, looking very displeased.
"The bloody computer that controlled the theatre
fizzled out," she growled to them without preamble.
"Stupid cheap Shi'ar black market goods... anyway, you
have two hours before the next part starts." She
scowled, adding amidst the cheers, "Enjoy your break,
boobies, 'cause you won't enjoy the fanfic."
As the last of the overjoyed group danced and sang
their way to the bar, Rosavenger dropped her grim
facade. Smiling slightly, she opened her fist to
reveal a tiny square of silicone and metal she had
removed from the computer -- a small, but vital
component.
"You're welcome, guys," she said softly, dropping the
chip to the floor and grinding it with her boot heel.
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