SATELLITE #1013'S OBSERVATION GALLERY

"Now you're in the... uh... Tom Jones Ballerina Zone! 
You have to pirouette while singing 'It's Not 
Unusual'"!

"TAPSLAUGHT DOES *NOT* SING TOM JONES' SONGS."

"TAP..."

"*SIGH* VERY WELL. *AHEM* IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO BE LOVED 
BY ANYONE..."

"Eh? Where did all the cute animals come from?"

"You're mine, blondie!"

*BONK*

"Ow! Watch it!"

"Yeah? You just got hit by the ball, which means that 
you have to roll over and bark like a dog!"

"We're standing in the Counter Zone, which means *you* 
have to do it."

"Damn you--"

"Ahem!" Azmi looked meaningfully at her watch. "Sorry 
to cut the fun, guys, but the fanfic starts in 20 
minutes." She scooped up the bright green ball, 
bouncing it like a basketball. "Isn't Calvinball fun?"

Mary glared at Calliope. "It would've been better if 
*someone* understood the concept of fun."

"I play to win, not for fun," the Queen of Muses 
retorted, unruffled. She took off the bandanna mask, 
looking down ruefully at her sweaty 'Godzilla' t-
shirt. "I suppose it's a good thing I have time for a 
quick shower."

The four were wearing t-shirts and jeans cutoffs, 
scrounged from a box somewhere in the depths of the 
satellite. They were, apparently, movie merchandise -- 
bad movies, as the quartet discovered to their dismay.

TAPSLAUGHT, trying to get her hair into order, said, 
"IS IT NOT ODD HOW WE JUST 'HAPPENED' TO FIND THE 
CLOTHES? WHY ARE THEY HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?"

"I just hope it's not the Seven of Nine clause," Azmi 
answered, shrugging. "Y'know, throw in a 
provocatively-dressed woman to draw the 18-30 male 
crowd?"

Mary shuddered. "I sincerely hope not. Now, about that 
shower..."

[GRATUITOUS SHOWER SCENES CUT DUE TO FICTIVES' 
PROTESTS. NEWS AT ELEVEN.]

Sixteen minutes later a rather damp TAPSLAUGHT joined 
her fellow prisoners, standing pensively near the 
theatre doors. Calliope looked poised; blonde hair 
impeccably styled and her blue suit without a crease. 
Azmifarayaro and Mary Sue clearly dreaded the upcoming 
fanfic, though the former did a better job of 
concealing it. The impassive mask, however, cracked 
slightly as sirens and alarms started to blare.

"WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!"

[Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1. The ladies 
take their seats, grumbling.]

>Claire's Confusion, Part Five

AZMI & MARY: Say what?!
CALLIOPE: Now *I* am confused. Where's part four?
TAPSLAUGHT: THINK CAREFULLY ON WHAT YOU ARE SAYING...
CALLIOPE: Oh. Right. Carry on, then.

>           Tears of Sorrow, Tears 
>of Rage

MARY: And the sequel, "Tears of Pain, Screams of 
Rage".
AZMI: Written by the crew of Satellite #1013.

>By: Timesprite
>
>"Sinister!" 

TAPSLAUGHT: A SUCCINCT BUT ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF THE 
STORY. 

>"Well, well. Mr. Summers. I must 
>say this is an unexpected visit. 

CALLIOPE: [Sinister, British] Do come in. I'll just 
pop some scones in the oven, and Sabretooth will make 
the tea.

>Come to say hello?" 

AZMI: [Scott] I'm just here to be out of character and 
kick your arse.
MARY: [Sinister] Then I'll just play the "Manic 
Laughter" track while you trash my place, shall I?

>"Shut up! Gambit, I'll take care 
>of this scum. 

AZMI: [Scott] Babysitting may not be glamorous, but it 
pays for the repairs to the X-Mansion. 

>You and Rogue go 
>find Claire." 

CALLIOPE: [Scott] Make sure she's dead.

>"Y' heard t' man, Chere. Let's get 
>goin'" 

MARY: [Rogue, ditzy] What, now? Tee-hee!
CALLIOPE: Mary Sue...

>"Jean, can ya point us in the raht 
>direction?" 

AZMI: [Jean] One moment... I'm still dowloading the 
solution from the Internet. Do we have the magic sword 
and the bottle of invisible ink?

>"She's a couple of levels below 
>us. I'm sorry, I can't get a 
>better location." 

CALLIOPE: She's probably the world's most powerful 
telepath, right?
TAPSLAUGHT: CORRECT.
CALLIOPE: She has the ability to telepathically link 
to someone and thus "see" through that person's eyes, 
right? Or at any rate, if the person is unconscious, 
sift through his or her memories, right?
TAPSLAUGHT: ALL TRUE.
CALLIOPE: In doing so, she could better extrapolate 
that person's location, right?
TAPSLAUGHT: I CANNOT FAULT YOUR LOGIC.
CALLIOPE: Good. Just checking.

>"That's okay. Me an' Remy'll find 
>her." The departed. 

AZMI: "The departed"? Does that mean Remy and Rogue 
are dead?
CALLIOPE: They must be zombies, then. Or... maybe the 
phrase refers to Claire.
MARY: Wishful thinking, Muse.

>Jean turned back to where the rest 
>of the X-Men were confronting 
>Sinister. 

AZMI: [Scott] Yo mama's so fat, when she went diving 
she caused a tidal wave!
MARY: [Sinister] Yo mama's so fat, when she went to 
Japan they thought she's gonna eat Tokyo!

>"What did you want with her?" 

CALLIOPE: [Sinister] Her recipe for chicken-fried 
steak, you twit.

>Cyclops shouted, letting lose 
>another optic blast. 

AZMI: [random X-Man] Cyke, you *know* we'll never find 
it again! Jeez, some people...

>"Was she just
>another of your guinea pigs? 

CALLIOPE: [Sinister] Not at all. My guinea pigs are 
much less annoying.

>To 
>experiment on as you chose?" 

MARY: [Scott] You fie-- wait... can we work out a 
deal?

>"She was unfinished. I merle 

AZMI: Merle? Wasn't she a sorceress in "Dragon Quest"?
MARY: A crossover? And I thought this thing couldn't 
get worse...

>sought to reclaim her. Why should 
>you care? She is nothing to you." 

CALLIOPE: [Scott] You're right. X-Men, let's leave!

>"That's where you're wrong. She's 
>a part of this team ,and the X-Men 
>look out for their own." 

AZMI: [Scott] It's the Mary Sue contract. Sorry.

>Several floors below the raging 
>battle 

MARY: [incredulous] They call an argument a "raging 
battle"?
AZMI: [shaking head] Sad, isn't it?

>"She's not in this one." 
>
>"She not in here either." 

MARY: [Gambit] She's not in dis one-- Mon dieu! Lock 
de door! Lock de door!
AZMI: [Rogue, dramatic] What did ya see, Remy? What 
did ya SEE?!
MARY: [Gambit, gasping] Strong Guy in a bikini!
[beat]
AZMI: [Rogue] Move aside, sugah! I wanna see!
CALLIOPE: Azmifarayaro...
MARY: [laughs]

>Gambit 
>and Rogue made their way down the 
>corridor, ripping open the
>doors of the holding cells as the 
>went, trashing all the equipment 
>they could. 

CALLIOPE: [Sinister] Well! Let's see if I'll ever 
invite *you* for tea again!
TAPSLAUGHT: INGRATES.
AZMI: I never knew Gambit was strong enough to rip 
open *locked doors*.
MARY: Must be a retcon thing.

>That way, Sinister
>would be forced to abandon yet 
>another base. But it wouldn't stop 
>him. It never did. 

CALLIOPE: So why are you wasting your energy doing it?
AZMI: Amazing Self-Replicating Sinister Lab[tm], now 
for only $99.99 and your immortal soul!

>"Wait, Remy! Ah found her. 

MARY: Such enthusiasm.
AZMI: She must be just reading the cue cards.

>Could 
>ya give me some light?" 

MARY: [Gambit, leering] Y' know Gambit c'n give y' 
more then dat, chere...
CALLIOPE: Mary Sue...
MARY: What? I was vague!

>"Oui." He held up a charged card, 
>sending a weak glow into the dark 
>room. 

CALLIOPE: With a sudden burst of intelligence, Remy 
threw the charged card into the cell, incinerating 
their tormentor. The end.

>"Oh mah gawd!" Came Rogue's 
>startled cry. 

AZMI: [Rogue] Claire *is* th' third Summers brother!
TAPSLAUGHT: OLD JOKE.
AZMI: [shrugs] Cheap, but satisfying.

>Gambit's eyes went wide. 

CALLIOPE: [Rogue] Remy, Ah *love* your manga eyes.

>"What he done to her? 

AZMI: [Remy] An' c'n we *please* do it again? With de 
hot irons dis time?
MARY: Now *who's* being cruel, hmm?
AZMI: [embarassed silence]

>Chere, get dose 
>shackles off her." 

MARY: [Remy] An' get 'em on y', chere...
CALLIOPE: [sighs]

>"Sure thing" Rogue grabbed the 
>chains and ripped them out of the 
>wall. 

CALLIOPE: Wait a minute here... isn't she supposed to 
get the shackles off *Claire*, not the wall? Shouldn't 
Remy be able to pick the locks anyway?
TAPSLAUGHT: SMILE AND--
CALLIOPE: [groans] Nod. I know.

>Gambit scooped Claire up. 

AZMI: [Gambit] Y' wan't cherry an' sprinkles with dat, 
Rogue chere?

>"She still breathin'. barely." 

MARY: [Rogue] She's alive? Damn. 

>She 
>was so light, like holding a 
>skeleton. 

CALLIOPE: THE SHACKLES ARE STILL ON HER! SHE'S *NOT* 
SUPPOSED TO BE LIGHT!

>The hurried to rendeves 
>with the rest of the team.

TAPSLAUGHT: "THE HURRIED TO RENDEVES"?
CALLIOPE: BST... overloading...
AZMI: BST?
CALLIOPE: Bad Spelling Tolerance.

>From a dark corner, Gryphon 
>watched the two X-Men take Claire 
>from the cell. 

AZMI: [Gryphon] I'm FREE!!! FREE AT LAST!!!

>She was safe now.

ALL: [snicker]
MARY: X-Mansion, the Fort Knox of the Marvel universe. 
Yeah, right.

>Sinister couldn't hurt her 
>anymore. 

AZMI: [Sinister] My plans would've worked if it wasn't 
for you damn kids!

>Even if she died now she 
>would be better off. 

MARY: *We* would be better off.
AZMI: [singing] Heal the world... make it a better 
place...

>He just 
>prayed that she would make it. 

TAPSLAUGHT: [God] SON, IN THE INTEREST OF OF THE 
GREATER GOOD... NO.

>He 
>loved her, and he couldn't stand 
>the thought of not being able to 
>explain to her what had happened, 
>to tell her he was sorry. 

AZMI: CHEESY ANGST POWER... MAKE-UP!

>That he 
>had never meant to betray her. 

AZMI: [Gryphon] And I swear, the Indestructible TK 
Shield[tm] was *her* idea!

>When the X-Men had departed, he 
>teleported away. 

CALLIOPE: ... straight into a lava-filled crater, 
where he died a fiery but happy death. The end.

>He would go to 
>Xavier's eventually, try to 
>explain, be there for Claire. 

AZMI: [Gryphon] She's the only one who knows where the 
remote control is.

>But 
>for now he just sat and watched 
>the sun set over the lake. 

CALLIOPE: Any moment now, Peablossom and Mustardseed 
will come out to play.
TAPSLAUGHT: IN THIS STORY? MORE LIKELY THE CREATURES 
FROM THE DUNGEON DIMENSION.

>The 
>same lake that he and Claire had 
>visited often. 

MARY: [Gryphon] And man, did it see some hot jalapeno 
action! IfyaknowwhatI mean... [wink]

>Just sitting, 
>holding each other, pretending the 
>world had not gone mad around 
>them. 

AZMI: [singing] When superstars and cannonballs are 
running through your head... And television freak show 
cops and robbers everywhere...

>Maybe someday they could sit 
>here together again. 

MARY: [Gryphon] Hopefully not, if I'm lucky. Aw, 
shucks, what am I *thinking*? Of course she'll 
survive!
CALLIOPE: Feeling a little bitter, Mary Sue?
MARY: [mutter, grumble]

>For now he 
>sat in the growing dark, tears 
>streaming down his face. 

CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] Why did *sniff* Bambi's mother 
have to die? [sobs]

>"You! Don't you think you've 
>caused Claire enough pain? 

MARY: [speaker] It's our turn!

>How dare you come here?!" 

TAPSLAUGHT: [Janeway] YOU'RE OUT OF LINE, COMMANDER.

>The man
>before her looked up with 
>sorrowful eyes. 

AZMI: [Gryphon, sobbing] I didn't want to, but they 
MADE me!

>"I know." 

CALLIOPE: Han Solo? You're welcome to come in and kill 
him now...

>He whispered, looking 
>down at Claire again. 

AZMI: [Gryphon] May the saints preserve us from her, 
for I am weak...

>"I would 
>take it all back if I could, I 
>wasn't in control. 

MARY: [Gryphon] And quite frankly, I don't give a damn 
either.

>Sinister was 
>using me, playing with my mind. 

AZMI: [Gryphon, sobbing] He made me listen to 
B*witched over and over again...

>But that's no excuse. I should 

TAPSLAUGHT: ... HAVE TAKEN THAT BUS TO ASTRO CITY WHEN 
I HAD THE CHANCE.

>have fought harder, 

AZMI: [singing] You think that I'm strong, you're 
wrong...
MARY: Beg pardon?
AZMI: Robbie Williams.

>I don't know. 

CALLIOPE: [tartly] Neither do we, and we don't care.

>I should have done something!" 

AZMI: We know! Now can you please stop that cliched 
angsting?
MARY: You should've blown up everyone when you had the 
chance, kid.

>Tears were spilling out of his 
>sapphire blue eyes. 

TAPSLAUGHT: [peering at screen] ODD, I THOUGHT THEY 
WERE PIECES OF THE HOPE DIAMOND.

>"I loved her, 
>I still do. 

MARY: Someone should tell this guy that there are lots 
of fish in the sea.
AZMI: [fighting a grin] Maybe he doesn't like seafood.
MARY: [groans]

>I don't think she 
>could ever forgive me, though. 

AZMI: [Gryphon] That trick with the exploding cigar 
*really* ticked her off.

>She's all I ever had. 

CALLIOPE: ... except for the Porsche, the condo in 
Miami, the private jet, and the Swiss account.

>The only 
>bright spot in my life, 

AZMI: In the "near-death experience" kind of sense.

>weather 
>she knew it or not. 

MARY: Hey, Ororo's the one who controls the weather 
around here!

>Someplace, 
>deep down, under all of Sinister's
>mind tricks, I loved her. 

MARY: Must've dug pretty deep.
AZMI: That was cruel, but funny...

>And now 
>I'm myself again in time to do 
>nothing more than watch her die. 

TAPSLAUGHT: I WISH I WAS THERE. 
CALLIOPE: So do I. I'll even *pay* for the privilege.

>To watch myself die with her." 

MARY: [exasperated] Don't be such a bloody wuss! Get a 
life outside the spandex, dammit!

>Jean didn't know what to say. 

CALLIOPE: [Jean] Hrm? Huh? Oh. Sorry for dozing off.

>This 
>was not the same man who had 
>abducted Claire, who had worked 
>with one of their greatest 
>enemies. 

AZMI: That was his evil twin from an alternate 
reality, sporting a different hairstyle.

>He was so changed. 

MARY: The anti-depressants worked wonders.

>His 
>mind was open to her, all of his
>emotions laid raw. 

CALLIOPE: [Jean] Anybody want emotions sashimi?

>"God, how could 
>he do that to another human 
>being?" She whispered. " 

TAPSLAUGHT: [sighing] YOU TELL ME, YOU WHO *SHOULD* 
HAVE EXPERIENCED MUCH.
CALLIOPE: Doesn't she read the news?

>He isn't human." 

AZMI: Nanu nanu?

>Tears of rage now 
>filled those icy pools. 

CALLIOPE: In another part of the mansion, Bobby Drake 
sneezed as he watched Buffy stake yet another 
vampire...

>"A human 
>being doesn't take advantage of
>people. 

MARY: Is this guy from Naiveville or what?

>He dosn't take people off 
>the streets and use them as guinea 
>pigs. 

TAPSLAUGHT: I THOUGHT SINISTER IS SOMEWHAT MORE 
SELECTIVE THAN THAT.
CALLIOPE: Exactly. If he just took people off the 
street, wouldn't their families raise a stink about it 
and spark a massive manhunt? Not to mention that 
little detail about the suitability of their genetic 
material...

>A human being doesn't do
>this sort of thing!" He motioned 
>to Claire's sleeping form. 

MARY: Yeah, a human being would put everyone out of 
their misery long before this.

>"Gryphon...." 

MARY: ... you're pathetic.

>She could feel his 
>rage, mixed with incredible sorrow 
>and loss. 

AZMI: Gryphon's Mixed Emotions Breakfast Cereal, 
guaranteed 100% angst.

>He really dose love her. 

CALLIOPE: "Dose love her"?
TAPSLAUGHT: MUST BE A LOVE POTION CREATED BY JOHN 
CONSTANTINE.

>And we can't do a thing more to 
>help her.

AZMI: ... except to wish her a slow, painful death.

>"Scott, you'll never believe 
>this." 

CALLIOPE: [Jean] We get to have our personalities 
back!

>"What?" 

MARY: [Scott, hopeful] She's gone?

>"Gryphon's down in the Med-lab." 

ALL: YAWN!

>"And you left him there? He'll 
>take her back to Sinister!" 

CALLIOPE: [dryly] Your confidence in your wife is 
overwhelming.

>"He's not the person he used to 
>be. 

AZMI: [Jean] He now thinks that he's Albert Einstein's 
shoe, but it's an improvement.

>He has finally broken through 
>years of Sinister's programming.

AZMI: [Scott] So could Kitt-- oh, you mean *mental* 
programming.
CALLIOPE: *That* was easy. No therapy, no counselling?

>He's the one that made sure we'd 
>be able to get Claire out of 
>there. 

MARY: [Scott] Affirmative. I'll get Ororo, you get 
Logan, and we'll kick his arse to kingdom come.

>I saw it all in his mind. 

AZMI: [Jean] I feel nauseated...

>He knew I could read his thoughts. 

CALLIOPE: Well, Jean, he must know that you're a 
telepath. Hello?

>He deliberately let me see what 
>had happened. 

MARY: [Jean] Even the parts with the fur-lined 
handcuffs and chocolate pudding. Say... are you up for 
a threesome, hon?
CALLIOPE: Mary Sue!

>He is sorry for what 
>he's done, and his heart is 
>breaking." 

AZMI: Here, give Gryphon some glue.

>"What are you saying?" 

CALLIOPE: My, aren't we the idiot today?

>"He loves her, Scott. He's down 
>there right now, holding her hand 
>and preying to God that she
>survives." 

AZMI: He's hunting God? That's a tall order.
CALLIOPE: Not if the god happens to be Zeus, who can 
be baited with anything that looks vaguely pretty and 
breathing.

>"I don't see how she could ever forgive him." 

MARY: Flowers and a nice dinner usually help.
AZMI: Grovelling wouldn't hurt either.

>"He knows that. He told me. 

AZMI: Why is. Jean speaking. Like Shatner?

>All he 
>wants to do is say sorry to her. 

CALLIOPE: [Scott] So tell him to say sorry and leave, 
already!

>To apologize for everything he's
>done. 

TAPSLAUGHT: ESPECIALLY FOR LETTING CLAIRE LIVE.

>Go and look for yourself. 
>You don't have to read his mind to 
>see the pain he's in." 

AZMI: [Jean] He has your "Angsting now, do not 
disturb" placard.

>Cyclops gently pushed the door 
>open a crack. 

AZMI: [Scott] I can seeeeeeee youuuuuuu...

>He peered in side. 

CALLIOPE: [Scott] I see... wood fibres!

>Gryphon was sitting next to the
>bed holding her hand. 

CALLIOPE: Although close examination would also reveal 
a syringe filled with cyanide.

>He was 
>talking quietly, and Scott could 
>just bearly make out what he was
>saying. 

MARY: [Gryphon] Die, please die.

>"Claire, do you remember the lake? 

MARY: [Gryphon] Where you lost your vir--
CALLIOPE: Go no further, mortal.

>The one that we used to sit by and 
>talk? I had forgotten about
>it, just like I had forgotten 
>about us. 

AZMI: [singing] Do you suffer from long-term memory 
loss? I don't remember...
MARY: I wish I can just forget about the entire story.

>But now I remember. 

AZMI: [singing] It's all coming back-- mmph!
TAPSLAUGHT: WE FORGIVE SPICE GIRLS, BUT CELINE DION'S 
SONGS ARE *NOT* TOLERATED.

>I 
>went to the lake, Claire, and it's 
>not the same without you. 

CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] I miss you whining about the 
mosquitoes.

>I need 
>you to get better, so we can go 
>there together again. 

CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] And this time, I'll smear you with 
blood before tossing you in. Maybe *that* will entice 
the Loch Ness monster.

>I don't even 
>know if you can here me, 

TAPSLAUGHT: THAT'S "HEAR".
MARY: [Claire] God, Gryphon, you have a voice like a 
foghorn!

>but if 
>you can, fight back. 

MARY: [Gryphon] There's not enough angst in this story 
unless you recover and we have an emotional 
confrontation.

>I know you. 
>You can overcome this. I know you 
>can." 

CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] After coming back from the dead, 
this should be easier than Tigra.

>Cyclops pushed the door open the 
>rest of the way and stepped into 
>the room. 

MARY: [Scott] Are you a friend of Claire's?
AZMI: [Gryphon] Yes?
MARY: That's all I need to know. DIE!
CALLIOPE: Your Scott is out of character, Mary Sue.
MARY: I know. Just venting my hostility.

>Gryphon looked up. The 
>pain he was feeling was clearly 
>evident. 

AZMI: "Evident Pain", the new summer look by L'Oreal!

>All of the anger, all of 
>the harsh words Cyclops had on
>his mind vanished. 

MARY: ... replaced by a growing feeling of scorn and 
contempt.

>What he saw 
>before him was a man who had lost 
>everything. For whom life had
>been one meaningless tragedy after 
>another. 

CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] Working for Sinister isn't that 
bad. Sure, I can't claim overtime and a raise is out 
of the question, but the health care plan is 
fantastic.
MARY: Yes, Scott, we know he's angsting. Can we please 
skip this and get straight to the carnage?

>Who's last link to 
>happiness lay dieing before him. 

TAPSLAUGHT: THE LAST *HINDRANCE*, SCOTT, THE LAST 
HINDRANCE.

>But more importantly, reflected in 
>those icy eyes, he saw himself, 
>and all of the unfairness life had 
>dealt him . 

MARY: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Scott, you have nothing in 
common with that wuss! OH SWEET MERCIFUL HEAVEN, 
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
AZMI: Calm *down*, Mary!

>Where once he would 
>have happily struck Gryphon down 
>where he stood, 

MARY: [growling] Out of character...

[The others edge away slightly]

>he now placed a
>hand on his shoulder. 

CALLIOPE: ... breaking it with an expert twist.

>"How is 
>she?" 

AZMI: [Gryphon, sulky] Why is it always about Claire? 
What about *me*?

>"The same. 

CALLIOPE: [Gryhon] If she doesn't get better, we'll 
have to send her to the glue factory.

>How could I let him do 
>this to her? I should have done 
>something?" 

MARY: Committing hara-kiri would be a step in the 
right direction...

>"What? Sinister was controlling 
>you. You couldn't even help 
>yourself. It's no use beating 
>yourself up over it. Believe me, I 
>know." 

TAPSLAUGHT: THE GENETIC MANIPULATION SO THAT SCOTT 
WOULD FALL IN LOVE WITH JEAN? IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN?
AZMI: Marvel "science" at its best.
CALLIOPE: I never quite understood that. If Sinister 
wanted to create the most powerful mutant on Earth, 
wouldn't it make more sense to make Jean and Xavier 
fall in love with each other? Look at David Haller -- 
his mother isn't even a mutant! Of course, he was also 
mentally unstable...

>Something had changed in Scott's 
>voice. 

AZMI: Ricola!

>Something that said he 
>spoke from experience. It laid
>tribute to all that he had been 
>through, and that he had survived. 

AZMI: Mary?
MARY: [grudging] Okay, I can accept this...

>It was something that gave Gryphon
>a spark of hope. 

MARY: Damn straight it should, Wuss Boy.

>Maybe he could 
>survive, too. 

AZMI: Bets? Let's see you take on the Shi'ar first.

>"You-you're right. I 
>did all I could. You don't hate
>me?" 

MARY: [Scott] Actually, yes. But I can't say so 
because it isn't in the script.

>"I won't lie to you. 

CALLIOPE: [Scott] I like you as much as Betsy likes 
wedgies.

>When Jean 
>told me you were down here I 
>wanted to pound your face in. 

MARY: That's not like Scott at all! He's a good 
fighter, but that doesn't mean he isn't a diplomat 
either. Remember "God Loves, Man Kills" when he 
confronted Reverend Stryker and, in the end, convinced 
Xavier to keep on fighting?
AZMI: Thus endeth the obligatory good Claremont story 
plug.

>But
>now I can see that I was wrong. 
>About you, and about Claire. 

AZMI: [disgusted snort] Of course. Succumb to poor 
lil' Claire's charms, why don't you?
MARY: I don't know whether to rejoice that Scott is 
finally written as more than just a bastard, or go on 
a bloody rampage because of this idiotic "poor 
persecuted Claire is proved right" thing.

>You've been through hell, and 
>we're going to do everything we 
>can to see that you have a chance 
>at a brighter future. 

TAPSLAUGHT: [Scott] WE'LL TOSS YOU AND CLAIRE INTO THE 
SUN.

>So, no, I 
>don't hate you. It's late. If you 
>want, I can have a room prepared 
>for you." 

CALLIOPE: [Scott, sepulchral] The one with the 
*special* bed...

>"No thank you. I'll stay 
>here if it's okay? 

MARY: [Scott] No, it's not. You'll only get in 
Deadpool's way.

>I don't think 
>I'll get much sleep anyway."

AZMI: [Gryphon] I just drank a teaspoonful of Moira's 
coffee.
 
>"Okay. But try to get some rest. 

CALLIOPE: [Scott] You'll need it for the Danger Room 
session tomorrow. [laughs darkly]

>I'm going to call a meeting for 
>tomorrow, 

AZMI: [Scott] Do you prefer Danish pastry or 
doughnuts?

>and I need you to tell 
>us all you can about 

CALLIOPE: ... the Penance-Monet business, because we 
can't figure it out either.

>the time you 
>spent working for Sinister. 

AZMI: [Gryphon] Me do lots of bad stuff, me kidnap 
people off streets for experiments. Next question?

>We 
>might find something that will 
>help us help Claire." 

MARY: ... die quicker.

>"All right. 
>And thank you again." 

CALLIOPE: [flatly] ... for prolonging my misery.

>10:30 AM 
>
>The Ready Room 

CALLIOPE: [Picard] Enter!

>Gryphon sat nervously as the X-men 
>slowly made their way into the 
>room. 

AZMI: [singing] Here they come, the beautiful ones, 
the beautiful ones...

>He knew that Cyclops had 
>told them of his presence in the 
>mansion, 

MARY: ... but little did he know that the X-Men had 
arranged a little "surprise" for him.

>but he got the distinct 
>feeling that some of them didn't
>appreciate it. 

AZMI: [Gryphon] That bone claw skewering my kidney was 
a subtle clue.

>Wolverine was 
>leaning in a corner glaring at 
>him. 

CALLIOPE: [Logan] I don't remember orderin' a Weenie 
Boy fer breakfast...

>Gambit had walked in mumbling

AZMI: [Remy] Stupid comics writers... never get Remy's 
accent right...

>about being woken up but stopped 
>mid sentence when he caught sight 
>of Gryphon. 

MARY: [Remy] Merde! 'Nother angster f'r de roof?

>Apparently he hadn't 
>been around when Scott had given 
>his speech, 

TAPSLAUGHT: HE HAD, BUT FELL ASLEEP AFTER FIVE 
MINUTES.
MARY: ... in a beer and cigarettes induced stupor.

>and no one had 
>remembered to inform him. 

CALLIOPE: [Remy] Jus' call Remy de Invisible Man.

>"What he doin' here?" 

MARY: [Scott] He's the complimentary Angster of the 
Day.

>"Gryphon is here to give us 

AZMI: ... free coupons for meals at McDonald's.
CALLIOPE: I don't like McDonald's, but I have to admit 
that their Prosperity Burger is quite nice.
TAPSLAUGHT: WHAT'S THAT?
CALLIOPE: Basically, the beef patty is dipped in 
peppery gravy and topped with onions. I think you can 
only get it in certain parts of Asia, though.
MARY: *Try* to stay focused, people.

>information on what Sinister's 
>been doing lately." 

AZMI: [Gryphon] I don't know if this means anything, 
but I saw him talking to a purple dinosaur. Oh, and 
there was that meeting with some bearded guy... I 
vaguely remember them mentioning "hidden years" or 
something.

>Jean said 
>calmly, and nodded at Gryphon. 

MARY: [Jean] Good luck, Wus-- err, Gryphon. The 
Sentinels are quite tough but I'm sure you can deal 
with 1000 of them in no time.
AZMI: [Gryphon] You aren't sending me on a suicide 
mission... are you?
MARY: Who, me?

>"Well, I don't know just how 

CALLIOPE: ... many angels can dance on the head of a 
pin, but I'll do my best.
TAPSLAUGHT: INDULGE MY CURIOSITY -- HOW MANY *MUSES* 
CAN DANCE ON THE HEAD OF A PIN?
CALLIOPE: Depends on how large it is. [ignores the 
stares sent her way] What, do you think I would give 
away trade secrets?

>much 
>I know will be useful, but here 
>goes. 

AZMI: [random X-Man] Do we *have* to? Jeez, my feet are 
asleep.
MARY: [ditto] He *always* "peppers" his speeches with 
anecdotes. Oh God, we're never gonna leave, are we?
CALLIOPE: [ditto] Anecdotes my fanny. More like bardic 
sagas, if you ask me.

>When I was twelve, a man
>picked me up off the streets. 

MARY: Not going to say it... not going to say it...
CALLIOPE: *Thank* you.

>I 
>don't remember how long I had been 
>on my own, but I jumped at the
>chance. 

AZMI: I don't think Chance will take kindly to that, 
and neither will her dragon.

>He told me his name was 
>Dr. Essex. 

ALL: DUM-DUM-DUM-DUUUUUUMMMMMM!

>He took me back to his 
>lab and had me do earneds for
>him. 

CALLIOPE: "Earneds"?
MARY: I'm not *even* going to speculate about what 
that is. 
AZMI: [skeptical] Really?
MARY: Okay, I will, but I won't say it.

>After awhile he began to 
>train me as his lab assistant. 

TAPSLAUGHT: [Sinister] WHEN I CRACK THE WHIP, YOU JUMP 
THROUGH THE HOOP AND MASSACRE THE MORLOCKS. 
UNDERSTAND?

>I 
>never really knew what the 
>research was, 

AZMI: [Gryphon] I did hear some weird noises like 
"pika" in the middle of the night, though.

>I didn't ask 
>questions. I just did what I was 
>told. 

CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] I am a brainless twerp. Please 
kick me.

>Then Claire showed up. 

AZMI: [singing] She doesn't know your name, and your 
heart beats like a subway train... Oooh, it makes you 
wanna die...
MARY: How much music do you listen to, anyway?
AZMI: Hey, it can pretty boring guarding Subreality 
Hospital.

>I 
>don't know how much she told you, 

CALLIOPE: [Rogue] Ev'rythin', sugah. *Ev'rythin'*. 
MARY: [ditto] Ah must say ya don't look th' type t'go 
for th' schoolgirl look...
CALLIOPE: MARY SUE!

>but her father was a real jerk. 

AZMI: Hey, cut the guy a little slack! He didn't turn 
her out into the streets, and he *did* leave her his 
money.

>It 
>had something to do with an 
>incident that happened when she 
>was younger, but what I don't 
>know." 

AZMI: It was the Noodle Incident.
MARY: Calvin grew up and had a sex change operation to 
become Claire?
AZMI: [appalled] MARY!

>" There was...an accident 

CALLIOPE: [random X-Man, muttering] And I'm the Queen 
of Nile! Hah!

>involving her mother. Claire told 
>us what her father did to her." 

MARY: [Scott] About a hundred times over.

>Scott interjected. 
>"Okay. Well she ended up at 
>Essex's lab. 

CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] Someone Fed-Exed her to us, and 
there was no return address so we had to keep her.

>We got to know each 
>other. 

MARY: [Gryphon] Wink wink, nudge nudge!
AZMI: Careful, Mary. The slippers might take offense.

>I think we were both 
>lonely, looking for someone to 
>confide in. 

AZMI: [Gryphon] I know now that it was merely carnal 
lust. It is you, sweet Logan, whom I would share my 
heart and future with.

>The first time I ever 
>used my powers in front of another 
>person was to take Claire off the 
>compound to a lake I knew of. 

MARY: [Gryphon, leering] At least, that's what I let 
her believe...
CALLIOPE: The first time he used his power in front of 
another person? What about Sinister?

>I 
>promised her I'd never let anyone 
>hurt her again, because if anyone 
>tried, we'd just leave. 

CALLIOPE: You really *are* a brain cell short of a 
room temperature IQ, aren't you, Gryphon?
MARY: Must be a side-effect of the Mary Sue 
pheromones.
CALLIOPE: Along with the unreasoning incapability of 
the Mary Sue's paramour to find another woman 
attractive.

>We were 
>happy. Every day I would meet her 
>and we would go to the lake. 

AZMI: [sarcastic] That's it? No nice restaurant, no 
movies, no shopping? What a Romeo.

>Then 
>one day, she didn't show up. 

MARY: And let the angst begin!

>I 
>went looking for her. I went into 
>parts of the lab I had never been 
>in before. 

AZMI: [Gryphon] Say... I never knew that Sinister is a 
Tomb Raider fan!
MARY: [ditto] Sinister is subscribed to the X-Files 
relationshippers list? Hey, he saved all the NC-17 
stories!
CALLIOPE: [ditto] A complete collection of The Far 
Side? So *that's* where he gets his ideas from!

>I found her in an empty 
>room, she was almost screaming in
>pain. 

MARY: Must have been exposed to reality for the first 
time, the poor thing.

>I don't know how he knew, 
>must have had sensors or 
>something, but he knew I could 
>teleport and managed to block it. 

CALLIOPE: Okay, let me get this straight -- one of the 
best geneticists in the world, who specializes in 
mutancy, is not supposed to know that his lab 
assistant is a teleporter?
TAPSLAUGHT: WHY DID HE NOT STOP GRYPHON EARLIER? I 
MUST SAY THAT SINISTER SOUNDS LIKE AN INEFFECTIVE 
VILLAIN.
AZMI: I'm confused, too. What happened to the 
supernatural elements in the first chapter? Why did 
Raven call him "lord of dreams"?
MARY: Maybe it was dealt with in chapter four. And 
lucky us, we don't have to read it.

>I couldn't help her. The last 
>thing I really remember is Essex 
>standing in the doorway. 

AZMI: [Gryphon] Dramatically backlit by Prism.

>But he 
>wasn't Essex anymore." 

MARY: He had been split into Essex Blue and Essex Red.
AZMI: Nah, he was just replaced by his mother.

>"He was Sinister. Can you tell us >anything else?" 

AZMI: Patience, young grasshopper.
MARY: [Gryphon] Well, I can tell you about his 
underwear collect-- OW!
CALLIOPE: Behave. Sinister is *not* Happosai.

>"He wiped my memories. 

AZMI: [Sinister] Like all smart mad scientists, I 
prefer to use Jif.

>Then he 
>sent me to work gathering 
>'material' for him. 

CALLIOPE: The Gathering? Is an alien in an encounter 
suit going to show up?
AZMI: I think it'll be a bunch of immortals running 
around with *amazingly* hidden swords.

>He would tell 
>me where to go and who to collect, 
>and I would do it. 

TAPSLAUGHT: [Sinister] AND REMEMBER, GET THE EGGS FROM 
MRS FEATHERSTONE. THE BROWNS ALWAYS OVERCHARGE YOU.

>He must have 
>suppressed the part of me that
>knew what I was doing was wrong. 

AZMI: Sinister must have injected him with the Joel 
Schumacher serum.
MARY: Still traumatized over "Batman and Robin", Azmi?
AZMI: *Yes*.

>He used to talk about the X-Men a 
>lot. Scott and Jean mostly.
>Gambit and Rogue too." 

CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] He was singing something about 
"stupid cupid" and laughing.

>Rogue raised an eyebrow and looked 
>at Gambit. He shrugged. 

AZMI: [Remy] Oui, chere. My shoulders're still dere.

>"I have no 
>idea what de man is talkin' bout." 

ALL: OF COOOOOOOOOOURSE...

>Jean motioned for him to continue. 

MARY: [Jean] I need my beauty sleep.

>"Well there isn't much more to 
>say. I don't really understand 
>what happened to Claire. 

CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] Hell, I barely understand what's 
happening in this story!

>Someone 
>else was responsible for this 
>whole mess. 

MARY: The one-armed man, I presume.
AZMI: I think it's the guy with the blue and red paint 
on his face.

>Her name was Raven. 

AZMI: Darkholme? She's in here too?
MARY: [hopeful] Do you think it's possible for her to 
shapeshift into Galactus and ground that wuss into 
pulp?
AZMI: ... No.
MARY: Damn.

>Sinister had been training her as 
>some kind portage. 

CALLIOPE: As I recall, "portage" means carrying goods 
or boats overland between a body of water, or the 
place where it is done. None of which clarifies my 
understanding of this subplot in the least.
TAPSLAUGHT: I ASSUME IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH HER 
POWER, ALTHOUGH I HAVE NOT BEEN ENLIGHTENED AS TO 
EXACTLY WHAT THAT IS.
CALLIOPE: Sinister already has a teleporter, anyway. 
Assuming that he wanted her to be a "kind" carrier of 
goods, of course.
AZMI: Guys? Good thing we're not in a story, or you'd 
bore our readers to death.

>She took the 
>liberty of doing some experiments 
>on the side." 

MARY: [Raven] Oooo.. now let's see what happens if 
Captain America and Storm fall in love with each 
other! Tee-hee!
AZMI: [Raven] I'll just mix some gunpowder and nails, 
and throw them in a fire to see what happens!

>"Where is she now?" 

CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] In Hawaii, sipping a Mai Tai.

>"Dead. 

MARY: Oh my God! You killed Raven!
AZMI: You bastards!

>Sinister didn't know what 
>she had done at first. 

CALLIOPE: What I want to know is how she managed to 
slip it past Sinister, and whether she had a death 
wish. Who does she think she is, James Bond?

>Then he 
>found out Claire wasn't dead. He
>was angry. 

AZMI: [Sinister] You fool! Do you know what you have 
done?! You have doomed us all! Doomed!

>He had all ready killed 
>Raven's 'experiment'. 

CALLIOPE: That's "already".
MARY: I wish this damn thing's done, already!

>He told me 
>Raven was next." 

MARY: How stupid *is* Sinister? Gryphon's his lab 
assistant, fercryin'outloud! He could have just sent a 
Marauder to deep six Raven, and transmit a recording 
of the killing to the whole base.
CALLIOPE: A much more effective way to instill fear 
and loyalty, if I may say so myself.

>"So we'll never know what 
>happened." Jean said 

AZMI: ... and felt secretly relieved. Now her dark 
secret would never be revealed.
MARY: [smirking] The Phoenix Files -- The Retcon is 
Out There.
AZMI: So instead of the metal tube thingy Sinister 
gave Remy, Jean gets a frozen baby alien?

>"Not unless Sinister gets a 
>conscience and decides tells us." 

TAPSLAUGHT: WHICH IS ABOUT AS LIKELY AS CANCERMAN 
GIVING UP SMOKING.
CALLIOPE: Or *certain* editors getting a clue.

>Scott said morosely. 

AZMI: Here, Scott. Have some Prozac.

>"That's all 
>for now. Dismissed." 

MARY: [teacher] Don't forget to hand in your 
assignment on unstable molecules tomorrow!

>Everyone got up and filtered out 
>of the room. 

AZMI: I never knew the X-Men can pass through a muslin 
cloth...

>Everyone, that is, 
>except Wolverine and Gambit. 

MARY: [Logan] We'll just stay here an'... heh heh... 
work out some issues.

>They
>stood in the door way, blocking 
>Gryphon's path. 

CALLIOPE: [Logan, menacing] The little boy's room's 
over there, bub.

>"Nice story, bub." 

AZMI: [Logan] I just love the part where the prince 
and the princess live happily ever after.

>"Yeah, mon ami. Y' really 'spect 
>us t' believe dat?" 

MARY: [snarky] Well, they believed you and Bishop, 
didn't they?
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon, snotty] Actually, I did. Assuming 
you haven't smoked out your brain cells a long time 
ago, of course.

>"You should. It's the truth. 

AZMI: [smirks] Spider Jerusalem would love this guy.
CALLIOPE: If he didn't use the bowel disrupter on 
Gryphon first, that is.

>Look, 
>I know how much you must hate me. 
>Believe me, I hate myself more. 

MARY: [singing] It's not unusual to be hated by 
everyone...

>If 
>I ever get my hands on Sinister, 
>he's a dead man. 

AZMI: [Gryphon] And his little dog, too!

>Now if you'll 
>excuse me...." He vanished. 

MARY: Does anyone ever uses doors for anything other 
than dramatic effect anymore?

>"Well how do ya like that?" 

TAPSLAUGHT: WITH THE BLOOD OF THOUSANDS ON THE SIDE, 
PLEASE.

>Gambit 
>just shrugged. 

CALLIOPE: [Remy] I jus' go with de flow, mon ami. De 
story has to end *sometime*.

>Back in the Med-lab 

AZMI: ... the laws which govern reality are twisted 
into mockeries of themselves.
TAPSLAUGHT: WELCOME TO THE MARVEL UNIVERSE.

>Beast jumped as he heard a noise 
>like the tearing of fabric behind 
>him. 

AZMI: [Hank] Oh my stars and garters, that's the third 
pair of speedos this week! I seriously have to cut 
down on the Twinkies...

>He was surprised to find
>Gryphon behind him. 

MARY: [Hank] Aren't you supposed to be dead?
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] No, see... the exclusion clause in 
the Mary Sue contract applies to me.

>' Teleporters. 
>Gotta hate 'em.' 

AZMI: [Beast, singing] I hate myself for loving you, 
can't break free from the the things that you do...

>"Dr. McCoy, how is she." Gryphon's 
>tone belied his hopelessness. 

CALLIOPE: Are you asking Beast, or making a statement?
MARY: Yep, you can just FEEL the worry in his voice.

>"Actually, she seems to have 
>stabilized. 

AZMI: ... much like a mixture of matter and 
antimatter.

>Her vitals are still 
>weak, but they are no longer 
>fluctuating. 

MARY: [Beast] As a matter of fact, they are steadily 
weakening.

>I still cannot say if 
>she will regain consciousness, but 
>I am confident that she will make 
>it through the night. 

TAPSLAUGHT: [Hank] MY CONDOLENCES.

>I could use 
>your knowledge to 

TAPSLAUGHT: ... CONQUER THE WORLD!

>help me find out 
>just what Sinister did to her, 

MARY: ... so we can replicate the process, only with 
more pain.
AZMI: Cruel, Mary, cruel.

>as 
>I have no tissue samples on record 
>to make a comparison." 

AZMI: She lived at the mansion for a while, didn't 
she? Why don't you just get some hair from her 
hairbrush?
MARY: He said "tissue", Azmi. I don't think hair 
qualifies.
AZMI: Well, if it worked on Star Trek...

>Gryphon gave him a brief smile. 

CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] You'll be the first against the 
wall when the revolution comes.

>Doing lab work like this was what 
>he was good at. 

MARY: [Gryphon] I also know all the positions in the 
Kama Sutra!
CALLIOPE: Mary Sue...

>He had, after all,
>had Sinister as a teacher. 

AZMI: Oh, I can just *see* the testimonial: "Gryphon, 
despite a tendency to angst in the odd hours of the 
morning, is an excellent lab assistant and coffee-
maker. He is quick to learn and quick to duck. Gryphon 
also gets along well with Minions[tm]. I would 
recommend him to any Villainous Scientist[tm], save 
those with pastel-haired female test subjects."

>And 
>Claire was stable. 

MARY: [Gryphon] Yay! Oh, wait... this is a bad thing.

>That meant 
>there was a possibility, however 
>slim, 

CALLIOPE: That we might make it through this story 
with our sanity intact.

>that she just might live. 

ALL: [sobbing] Oh, the inhumanity!

>A 
>small ray of hope 

MARY: ... which soon transformed into Lady Death, 
ready to kick some wussy butt!

>had broken 
>through the darkness that entombed 
>him. 

AZMI: [darkness] Ow! Watch it, you jerk!
CALLIOPE: [Ray aka Phoenix II] I am NOT small!

>End Part Five

ROSAVENGER: [over the loudspeakers] And that's all, 
you waste of fuel resources.
ALL: THANK THE SUPREME BEING!
AZMI: Y'know, this fic just gave me an idea...
MARY: [grinning] Do tell.

[Calliope and TAPSLAUGHT look at each other worriedly 
as they file out of the theatre.]

SATELLITE #1013'S LOUNGE

To their unpleasant surprise, Dark Beast was waiting 
for them, a smug smirk plastered on his furry face. 
His eyes lit up like a twin suns as he regarded the 
test subjects.

"Well, well..." he leered at them through the 
viewscreen. "Ready to acknowledge the subjugation of 
your wills?"

"In your dreams, mortal," Calliope spat.

"WHAT SHE SAID," TAPSLAUGHT rumbled.

Azmi merely raised her chin and looked defiant. Mary 
Sue walked quietly to her side, taking a moment to 
slip something behind her back. "It's not over," she 
stated coolly.

He looked disappointed, but only for a second. "I was 
certain... no. If that can't break your will, little 
ones, maybe *this* will!" he laughed, reaching for a 
diskette.

"Hold it!" Mary Sue said firmly. 

"I suppose *you're* going to stop me, yadda yadda?" 
the blue-furred mutant asked, boredom dripping from 
his tone.

"There is one thing that will stop you, Dark Beast. 
One ultimate weapon that even you can't override."

"And that would be?"

Mary whipped out a large square of cardboard. On it 
were written the words: "Mary Sue, Azmifarayaro, 
TAPSLAUGHT and Calliope materialized in the Dark 
Beast's laboratory, where they proceeded to beat him 
senseless. The end."

"Writer's power," she said with great satisfaction.

The Dark Beast's eyes barely had time to widen before 
the four appeared around him, fists raised. An attempt 
to flee was rapidly aborted by Azmi's well-aimed kick, 
sending him crashing to the floor. His screams were 
choked off by TAPSLAUGHT's hands around his throat, 
throwing him onto the button.

FWOOSH!

As the screen darkened, the only sounds on the 
satellite were Rosavenger's high-pitched laughter.
______________________________________

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 was created by Joel 
Hodgson and is the property of Best Brains. No 
copyright infringement is intended. I've also made 
extensive use of copyrighted materials (which do not 
belong to me) in this MSTing, all without permission. 
I'm not doing it for money, guys, so please don't sue. 
Any mention of certain writers is not meant as an 
insult, and the aforesaid writers belong to 
themselves. Rosavenger belongs to me. If you want to 
borrow her for future MSTings, ask me and I'll 
probably say yes. ;) The TAPSLAUGHT concept was 
created by Abyss, and Azmifarayaro is the creation of 
several writers.

The Mystery Subreality Theatre 3000 concept belongs to 
Seraph, and "Claire's Confusion" belongs to 
Timesprite. No insult is intended towards the author 
of the story, who in fact gave me permission to MST 
her work. Thanks, hon. I would also like to thank 
Lyssie and Rose for helping out -- I couldn't do it 
without them. I'd like to apologize to Skyrocket, 
because writing this story caused long delays in beta-
ing *his* stories.

WHEW! I can't believe I actually finished this. My 
first MSTing, and I *had* to pick a four-chapter 
story. ;) Maybe next time I'll try something shorter. 
*Much* shorter. I hope you've enjoyed the MSTing, and 
don't forget to send feedback at 
.
______________________________________

>"Your Clare was never real! She was only 
>a clone!

    Source: geocities.com/area51/cavern/4888/MSTing

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