Disclaimer and notes at the end. It will help if you
have read the TAPSLAUGHT and Operation: Ultimate
Writer SC round robins. Just so that you know, I've
obtained permission from Timesprite to MiST her story.
Don't flame her for the story, 'kay? Because if I EVER
find out that you do, God help me, even the mighty
power of Marvel Retcon[tm] cannot save you.
Rated PG-13 for language and innuendo.
MYSTERY SUBREALITY THEATRE 3000
*Showing tonight*
"Claire's Confusion"
*Original by*
Timesprite
*MiSTing by*
Yasmin M.
*With help from*
Ana (and Lyssie!)
*and*
Rose
We open in the starry expanse of space, where
Subreality hangs like a well-loved (and much-repaired)
orb on a Christmas tree. Greens, blues, and browns
dominate the landscape, swirling into each other as
Writers type away at their laptops. Subreality City
seems to dominate the blurry world, fascinating with
its riot of colours, but it is here in space that our
story begins. Here in...
SATELLITE #1013
The satellite was really quite nice for something made
by an evil scientist in pursuit of a nefarious scheme.
There was a lounge with a well-stocked bar, a kitchen
that would bring a tear to Sailor Jupiter's eyes, and
even a holodeck stolen during the Starjammers' latest
raid on Marissa Picard's Enterprise.
It was also quite empty. At least, until blue light
and a popping sound filled the room, whereupon four
figures stood in not-so-silent confusion.
"Where in Hades are we?"
"Ooo... Guinness!"
"TAPSLAUGHT DOES NOT LOOK KINDLY ON HER KIDNAPPING."
"Hey! I know you... aren't you supposed to be dead?"
The first was a blonde woman with Grecian features,
studying her surroundings haughtily. She wore a well-
cut, navy blue business suit. A gold and mother-of-
pearl brooch in the shape of a quill pen was pinned to
her lapel. The others immediately recognized her as
Calliope, Queen of the Muses and acknowledged pain in
the arse by her subordinates.
"I don't know, but I don't think we're in Kansas
anymore," remarked the second speaker, a beautiful
young woman. "I was in the Cafe talking to Dex, and
then... poof! I'm here."
Calliope peered at her for a second, then sighed.
"Mary Sue, I presume?"
Mary Sue smiled sultrily and nodded. She was still
wearing the red wig and green contacts she had used to
distract the Canadian writer, though a cursory visual
examination would make clear that she really did not
need any enhancements. Created from the DNA of Writers
consumed by TAPSLAUGHT, she was to be the Ultimate
Writer -- the cat's pyjamas, the head honcho, the
uppermost scum. No less powerful than her namesake.
TAPSLAUGHT, the Devourer of Writers, looked with
distaste and horror at her now human-sized body. Being
Tapestry gone horribly wrong and powered up beyond the
highest Writer level, the sight of her Heralds alone
brooked no other words from an unfortunate mortal
except "We're gonna die!" Her long black hair glinted
under the fluorescent lights, matching the angry eyes.
The blue and white armoursuit she wore was scuffed, a
trace of... chocolate?... near the soles of her boots.
Having glared her body into embarassment, she gave the
last of the group a hostile stare.
The aforementioned character was blissfully ignorant
of her wrath. She was busy loping around the lounge
with graceful ease, examining everything. Azmifarayaro
was her name, and defeating TAPSLAUGHT was her game.
"Was" being the operative word -- she is currently
employed as a security guard for Subreality Hospital.
Azmi seemed to have no problem with her similarly
shrunken body, taking it in a stride. As an amalgam of
six writers, she probably had a vague memory of being
human-sized. The slender, red-haired catwoman wore a
short leather tunic, slit on both sides. The clothing
allowed ease of movement, least of all for her large
bat-like wings.
"Check this out, guys," she called out, pointing to a
viewscreen and a large red button. "What do you think
*these* are for?"
"I DO NOT KNOW. BUT PERHAPS YOU SHOULD LOOK AT THIS."
Calliope snapped out of her fuming resentment long
enought to look at the object on the wall. "It looks
like a lever. I wonder what would happen if I were to
do... this." She pulled down the lever.
"Goddess!" exclaimed Mary Sue, her green eyes growing
larger by the minute. "Will you look at that..."
Where panelled walls had existed there were now windows,
treating the quartet to a beautiful view of space and
Subreality. Appreciation of beauty, however, was the
last thing on their minds at the moment.
"How by the nine heads of Cerberus did we end up in
space?" the Muse practically shrieked.
"The answer, my dear," said an oily voice, "comes not
from the stars."
As one, they turned. Filling the viewscreen was a
smug-looking Dark Beast, who seemed to enjoy every
atom of their consternation.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" thundered TAPSLAUGHT.
The mutant raised a sardonic eyebrow. "I suppose
*someone* had to ask the question." He steepled his
fingers. "Tell me, ladies, are you in any way familiar
with Mystery Science Theatre 3000?"
"Yeah!" Azmi answered enthusiastically. "It's about
this guy, Joel -- and later, Mike -- who was shot into
space by an evil scientist. The scientist wanted to
test the limits of the human will by subjecting him to...
bad... movies." She ground to a halt. "Oh, *hell*."
"Indeed, milady," chuckled Dark Beast. "Hell, indeed.
Dr. Forrester was a genuinely talented scientist, if a
little narrow in his scope. After all, why settle for
Earth when you can have Subreality at your mercy?"
"So what are you going to do?" Calliope demanded
coldly. "Subject us to hours of the old 'Captain
America' cartoon?" Azmi and Mary Sue flinched. "Your
plan is doomed to fail, Dark Beast. We are, after all,
not human."
Instead of bowing and scraping at her feet, he
laughed. "Do you think I would forget that?" He leaned
in closer to the screen, leering at them. "Three of
you were once fan fiction Writers. You, Calliope is
the Martriarch of the Muses. What could be more
fitting than to torture you with bad fan fiction?"
Azmi gasped in horror. "You fiend!" she growled. Her
tail, spiked with sharp quills at the end, flicked
from side to side.
"I CONCUR. RELEASE US IMMEDIATELY, DARK BEAST, AND I
PROMISE MY RETRIBUTION WILL BE MERCIFUL."
He shook his head, wagging his finger in mock-
scolding. "No can do, as they say in the vernacular."
Grinning at them, he added, "Enjoy, ladies."
"You can't do this!" shouted Mary Sue. "I'm your
creation!"
As his image winked out, the Dark Beast answered with
an amused, "And what is creation, if not meant for the
creator's use?"
"Why that sonova--"
The pseudo redhead was cut off, however, as alarms and
sirens did their noisy work.
"WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" they shouted in unison.
"How did we know how to say that?" asked Calliope,
blinking.
"Who cares? Let's go!"
[Door 6: A feral Wolverine leaps out at you, bone
claws extended. You fight him off with spray-on body
deodorant and run into a cave.]
[Door 5: You're in the cockpit of an X-Wing, engaging
a TIE fighter. You vape the enemy, flying through the
ensuing explosion.]
[Door 4: There're Trollocs running after you, and
you're trapped at the bank of a fast-flowing river.
Taking a deep breath, you dive into the water.]
[Door 3: The Beast (no, not the mutant, the President)
stands in front of you, blocking a door. You whip out
your bowel disrupter and leave him moaning on the
floor.]
[Door 2: A solid steel door bars your way, resisting
your attempt at kicking it down. With a blast from the
Witchblade, you blow it up and continue on your way.]
[Door 1: It's the entrance to Harry's Hideout.
Smiling, you push the door open and step in.]
[The ladies enter the theatre, Calliope and TAPSLAUGHT
still looking *very* pissed. They are seated, from
left to right: TAPSLAUGHT, Mary Sue, Azmifarayaro, and
Calliope.]
CALLIOPE: How, exactly, are we supposed to keep our
brains from turning into tapioca pudding?
AZMI: Just chant to yourself all the names of the good
fic writers you know.
MARY: And riff like hell's about to pay a visit.
>DISCLAIMER
TAPSLAUGHT: SHE IS STEALING MY SCHTICK! WOE TO THOSE
WHO DARE USE CAPITAL LETTERS!
MARY: [Writer] I will not be held responsible for any
vomiting, migraines, heart attacks and brain aneurysm
due to the reading of this story. Not recommended for
pregnant women, small children, and asthma patients.
AZMI: Mary... that was mean.
>I haven 't actually used any ones
>characters yet, but I will.
AZMI: I'm sure they're looking forward to it, honey.
[vaguely hopeful] Right? Right?
CALLIOPE: [sighing] The disillusioned ones are not yet
born.
>All the X-MEN belong to Marvel Comics,
MARY: Otherwise known as "What the bloody hell is this
SHIT?!"
CALLIOPE: Language, Mary Sue, language.
AZMI: Except books written by the Marvel Knights
writers and Kurt Busiek.
TAPSLAUGHT: AND WARREN ELLIS.
AZMI: But... he's gone.
TAPSLAUGHT: [heavy sigh] I KNOW.
>everyone else is mine.
MARY: Uhm-hmm.
TAPSLAUGHT: I BEG YOUR PARDON?
MARY: Just hoping there won't be any blatantly ripped-
off "original characters, that's all.
>Don 't sue me this is just Fan
>Fiction and I'm not making any money.
>If you steal MY characters, at least have
>the decency to let me know.
MARY: [sarcastic] I'm sure *you* don't have to worry
abou--
AZMI: A-hem! No insulting the writer, remember?
MARY: [insincerely] My apologies.
> CLAIRE 'S CONFUSION
CALLIOPE: Here's a nice, heavy bat. Shall I clear up
your confusion for you?
MARY: Well, Claire, here's what you do: after you've
taken it out of its foil wrapping, roll it from bottom
to top to get rid of any trapped air. Then--
CALLIOPE: MARY SUE!
> Prologue
TAPSLAUGHT: YOU MEAN THERE ARE *MORE*?
AZMI: [growls softly]
> DAYS of PAST
AZMI: [singing] Yesterday, all my troubles seem far
away...
>The window was easy to open.
MARY: Woohoo! C'mon in, you handsome hunk!
>The room hadn't changed.
AZMI: Look what I found under the bed! Some pizza I
ordered in '89!
>If Clare could have cried, she would have.
AZMI: Is she a Klingon?
OTHERS: Wha--?
AZMI: Klingons don't have tear ducts.
[beat]
CALLIOPE: So are you a Trekker or a Trekkie?
AZMI: [coldly] If you value your life, Your Highness,
you'd drop the topic.
>didn't change the
>room. couldn 't face the truth. that i
>wasn't coming back.
CALLIOPE: Where have all the capital letters gone?
MARY: I'd repeat a Jay Leno joke about Paula Cole's
underarm hair here, but I'll probably get quills
through my lungs.
TAPSLAUGHT: YOU ARE WISE, MORTAL.
>The pictures on the dresser were
>covered in a thin layer of
>dust. She whipped them off.
MARY: Kinky! Was the dust wearing leather and whipped
cream too?
AZMI: Considering that the "layer of dust" is
"thin"... no, I don't think so.
MARY: Damn.
>"we were
>happy. i must have broken your heart."
TAPSLAUGHT: [puts her hand on Azmi's shoulder] NO. YOU
MAY *NOT* SING 'ACHY-BREAKY HEART'.
MARY & CALLIOPE: Amen!
AZMI: [grumbles something about the First Amendmend]
>"You did."
AZMI: [Claire] No, I didn't! The butler did it! In the
library, with the poker! He *did*!
>Clare spun around with a start.
MARY: [Clare] Ulp... motion sickness... must...
throw... up... [vomiting sound] Sorry about the potted
plant.
AZMI: Sick, girl, but I love it!
CALLIOPE: Say, isn't it supposed to be "Claire"
instead of "Clare"?
TAPSLAUGHT: NOT A GOOD SIGN.
>"Clare, is that really you? You don't
>look the same."
AZMI: [attempts to snap her talons and fails] I know!
Clare is really Claire's dyslexic evil twin!
>"your clare is dead.
MARY: Just like this story.
CALLIOPE: [agitated] But... the title... it said
"Claire's Confusion". *Claire*!
AZMI: Let it go, Calliope.
>i just have some of
>her memories. i'm sorry."
ALL: [blinks]
AZMI: [uncertainly] A clone?
>" I know. Raven told me. She said that
>Gryphon had brought you back."
AZMI: Dear God in heaven, she's Jean Grey's long-lost
sister!
>"yes. i-clare-never knew how he felt.
MARY: Disgust at having to touch her decaying flesh?
AZMI: [giggles]
CALLIOPE: *Ick*, Mary Sue.
>when she died, a part of him did too.
AZMI: You mean like that guy in Hitman with the dead
Siamese twin?
>he was half-mad with grief. he thought he
>could bring her back, keep her with him.
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] She still owes me bail money from
the time she broke into Skywalker Ranch to sneak a
peek at "The Phantom Menace".
>"I guess he succeeded."
TAPSLAUGHT: CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT SHE COULD NOT
EVEN SPELL HER NAME RIGHT, I WOULD DISPUTE YOUR
CONCLUSION.
>"yes, no.
MARY: [Clare] I'm feeling indecisive today. Try again
later.
>he tried to call her-my-spirit
>back.
AZMI: [smirking at Mary Sue] Shall we?
MARY: Lead the way, maestro.
AZMI & MARY: [singing] Whatever I said, whatever I
did, I didn't mean it... I just want you back for
good... want you back, want you back, I want you back
for good... Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song
and I'll sing it, you'll be right and understood...
want you back, want you back, I want you back for
good...
CALLIOPE: I *cannot* believe you actually know the
lyrics to a Take That song.
>it was not quite right.
MARY: [brightly] Like this fic?
AZMI: In the Godzilla movie sorta way.
>i'm confused. I don 't know if i'm
>clare, or if she is still dead.
CALLIOPE: In the Marvel Universe? Understandable.
MARY: Who was the Muse who inspired the whole Phoenix
retcon, anyway?
CALLIOPE: Sorry, our services are confidential.
>i only remember he and the man trying
>to make me whole.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Dr Frankenstein] THIS ARM GOES THERE,
THAT SPLEEN GOES IN THERE... OH DEAR, I SEEM TO HAVE
FORGOTTEN THE BRAIN.
OTHERS: [snickers]
>i remembered this place. i came."
CALLIOPE: [clamps a hand over Mary Sue's mouth] No.
MARY: [nods reluctantly]
AZMI: Since when are you this uninhibited, anyway?
MARY: I was last written by Dex in the Ultimate Writer
RR.
>"If you remember, than part of Clare
>lives on in you. We can be happy again.
CALLIOPE: [sighs] Does "Orpheus" rings a bell?
>"No." A dark form materialized in the
>shadows.
AZMI: Laersyn! Thank God you've come to chainsaw us
out of this torture.
>A tall, gaunt man with troubled
>eyes and white hair appeared next to
>Clare.
MARY: Magnus Lehnsherr?
AZMI: Killian?
CALLIOPE: Elijah Snow?
TAPSLAUGHT: [pointing at "gaunt"] I DON'T THINK SO.
>He touched her arm and she vanished.
MARY: Now you see her, now you don't!
>"Gryphon, bring Clare back!
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] And trap us in this fanfic longer?
Are you mad?
>"Your Clare was never real! She was only
>a clone!
MARY: [announcer] Ladies and gentleman, we have
another nominee for the Madelyne Pryor Hall of Fame.
Past inductees include the Spiderman Clone, Scarlet
Witch and Vision's children, and a coherent past for
Logan.
>You never wondered about her
>past?
AZMI: [singing] If you want my future, forget my
past...
OTHERS: AAAAAAA!!!!!
>Her family? She had none! She was a
>mistake.
MARY: [Gryphon] I told you to use contraceptives, but
noooo...
>She was perfect for you because
>you had unconsciously molded her into
>what you wanted.
AZMI: It's amazing what they can do with Play Doh
nowadays.
>She was never her own
>person. Claire died.
ALL: DING-DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD!
>Then I made a
>mistake.
AZMI: You went after Darth Vader too, eh?
>I tried to bring her back. Now
>she is stuck with the mind of a ghost and
>the body of a dead girl!
TAPSLAUGHT: SOMETHING IS ROTTEN IN DENMARK.
MARY: Ew. Can you imagine the smell?
CALLIOPE: Maybe the body's been mummified.
AZMI: Even worse.
>"You always had a soft spot for the
>frightened and confused ones, Gryphon."
MARY: [Gryphon] They taste really nice steamed with a
little ginger and soy sauce.
>Raven stood in the doorway.
AZMI: [hums Western gunfighter music]
>Even in the
>light of day she looked spectral.
CALLIOPE: [Raven] My new diet's working really well!
>In the
>dark, her cat eyes glowed dangerously.
TAPSLAUGHT: I THOUGHT CAT'S EYES SEEM TO GLOW BECAUSE
THEY REFLECT LIGHT. THEREFORE, IT WOULD NOT BE
POSSIBLE IN THE DARK.
AZMI: Common misconception.
>"You stay out of this!
CALLIOPE: Out, damned spot!
>You are partly to
>blame. Clare was caught in your bid for
>power.
AZMI: 50 dollars! Do I hear a bid for 55 dollars?
>Now she is paying the price.
MARY: Yeah, now she'll be forever associated with Jean
Grey.
>"You are not blameless. She died. You
>could have left her in peace. But you
>brought her back. Why?
TAPSLAUGHT: [Death] SHE WON IN CRIPPLE MR ONION.
>"I-I..." The Dream lord was speechless.
AZMI: [kneeling on her seat] Please, please let it not
be Morpheus!
>"You fell for her, a worthless piece of
>genetic material.
MARY: So Apocalypse moonlights as Raven?
CALLIOPE: He must have been desperate for money.
AZMI: Considering that he's been sitting on his butt
for thousands of years doing *nothing*, his savings
are probably gone.
TAPSLAUGHT: WE'RE THINKING OF REVOKING HIS VILLAIN'S
CLUB MEMBERSHIP IF HE MISSES ANOTHER PAYMENT.
>When she died, you
>couldn't bear the thought of being
>without her.
MARY: Whatever happened to blow-up dolls?
AZMI: Yeah, and like he'd even notice the difference.
>HE didn't deserve her.
CALLIOPE: [Raven] He deserves better.
MARY: God didn't deserve her? Damn straight.
>Am I right?"
AZMI: Yes, mistress. Grovel, grovel. Please, mistress,
punish me!
CALLIOPE: Azmifarayaro! [turning to Mary Sue] This is
*your* fault.
MARY: [sniffs] I am so proud of myself.
>Gryphon was furious. "Away Raven. You try
>my patience to the limit!"
AZMI: Oh, I don't know. I kinda like Cloud's Cross-
Slash.
MARY: Nah, Aeris' Healing Wind is cooler.
>With a wave of
>his hand, she was gone.
CALLIOPE: It's amazing how the women in this fic seem
to come and go with a gesture.
>"Pay her no mind, James."
TAPSLAUGHT: [Gryphon] SHE'LL ONLY WASTE IT IN THE
CANDY SHOP.
>"But as you said, Claire is gone. Why
>have you not rid yourself of her?
MARY: [Gryphon] But I have! Well, not all. I'm saving
the liver for a casserole.
CALLIOPE: Now that is just plain tasteless.
AZMI: Oh, I don't know... liver always has too much
taste for my liking.
CALLIOPE: [groans]
>By some twist we do not understand, she
>has gained great power.
MARY: [pales] You mean she became Marissa Picard?
AZMI: Or Andrew Vincent. The horror!
OTHERS: [big sweatdrops]
>If she wished she
>could probably destroy us all.
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] ... if she could stop falling over
her own feet.
>That kind
>of power should not be in the possession
>of one with so fractured a mind.
AZMI: Nah. Just give her claws, angst and a bad
attitude. Your sales'll go up in no time.
MARY: Especially if she wears Psylocke's uniform.
>You saw
>how confused she was.
CALLIOPE: You would be too, if your name is spelled
"Clare" when it should be "Claire".
>She acts purely on impulse.
TAPSLAUGHT: MUCH LIKE TWO-THIRDS OF SHOPPERS TODAY.
>Like a small child in some ways.
AZMI: If she starts crying for mommy, I'm outta here.
CALLIOPE: You can't, remember? The doors are locked
and our powers don't work.
AZMI: [tightly] Just let me preserve some semblance of
denial, okay?
>But in others she is an adult, with full
>ability to wield the power at her
>command.
MARY: [Clare] I'll make all the TV stations show My
Little Pony! Yay!
AZMI: And Care Bears.
[beat]
ALL: AUGH!!!
>I must leave you now."
MARY: [Gryphon] I have a hot date tonight!
>With that, he disappeared.
CALLIOPE: ... only to materialize over a deep canyon,
where he fell to his death. The end.
TAPSLAUGHT: FEELING A LITTLE DARK TODAY, QUEEN OF
MUSES?
>-----------------------------------------
>-------------------
AZMI: [singing] London Bridge is falling down, falling
down, falling down...
>The tall, pale, woman with dark hair
>stood on the road before him.
MARY: Hit the accelerator! *THUMP!* 1000 points!
>"WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, GRYPHON?"
MARY: [Gryphon, leering] Well, you can start by taking
off your clothes...
CALLIOPE: MARY SUE!
MARY: Bite me.
>"I need your advise, sister.
MARY: Whoops.
AZMI: Well, having read Ranma 1/2 fanfic about the
Kuno family...
TAPSLAUGHT: DO NOT FINISH THAT THOUGHT.
>"I AM AT YOUR DISPOSAL."
TAPSLAUGHT: [outraged] FOUL COPYRIGHT INFRINGER! I
SHALL SMITE THEE TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL, MORTAL! FEEL
THE WRATH OF... TAPSLAUGHT!
AZMI: How? I'll bet she'll survive force blasts.
TAPSLAUGHT: TRANSPORT HER INTO AN ANDREW VINCENT STORY
FOR ETERNITY.
OTHERS: [wince]
>"I made a grave mistake. A woman, Claire,
>died. I sought to keep her with me. But I
>did not understand then."
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] ... that it was really just a
fling. Now she follows me all the time and killed my
pet rabbit!
>"THIS CLARE, I REMEMBER HER. SHE IS A
>HARD ONE TO FORGET.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Woman] RARELY HAVE I MET SOMEONE SO
ANNOYING... AND STILL BREATHING.
>YOU ARE NOT
>KNOWLAGABLE ENOUGH TO MEDDLE IN THESE
>THINGS.
CALLIOPE: I think you meant "knowledgeable".
TAPSLAUGHT: NEVER SEND A BOY TO DO A MAN'S JOB.
>"So I have been told. Unfortunatly the
>warning has come to late.
CALLIOPE: That's "unfortunately" and "too".
MARY: Are you going to be doing this for the rest of
the fic?
CALLIOPE: Yes.
>Now she lives
>with a broken mind and power
>unimaginable."
AZMI: Wolverine II, now with two x chromosomes!
MARY: Wolverina?
>"I SEE. YOU ARE TORN.
AZMI: [singing] I'm wide awake and I can see the
perfect sky is torn, you're a little late, I'm already
torn...
MARY: [hopefully] Bound and broken?
>YOU DO NOT WISH TO
>LOSE HER, BUT SHE IS A THREAT."
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] Well, you know what they say --
keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
>"Yes. She is the proverbial fox in the
>hen house.
AZMI: Fox is robbing henhouses now? David's income
must be falling.
MARY: The cost of feeding the gargoyles must've sent
the accounting department through the roof.
>I must teach her to control
>her abilities. I was hoping you could
>help.
MARY: [Gryphon] I need someone to drive the getaway
car.
>"I AM USED NOT TO DEALING WITH CONFUSION.
CALLIOPE: [blinks, then starts to shudder]
>THERE IS ONE WHOSE TALENTS WOULD BETTER
>SERVE YOU."
TAPSLAUGHT: [Woman] HERE IS DR KEVORKIAN'S NUMBER. IF
HE'S NOT IN, TRY DR DOOM -- THE FANFIC WRITER, NOT THE
ONE WITH THE MASK.
>"You're right. I'll take her to him." He
>turned to go.
CALLIOPE: ... hitting his head on the door, lapsing
into a coma whereupon he eventually died. End of
story.
AZMI: Are you feeling okay, Calliope?
CALLIOPE: [snappish] I'm fine.
>"GRYPHON. YOU ARE STILL MISSING CRUCIAL
>PIECES TO THE PUZZLE YOU TRY TO SOLVE.
>PIECES YOU DO NOT KNOW EXIST. GO TO
>TRISTIN."
TAPSLAUGHT: [Woman] HE'LL GIVE YOU THE MISSING RED AND
BLUE BIT. REMEMBER, START ON THE SKY FIRST.
>Gryphon spun around. "What do you mean,
>Ariana!? Ariana?" She was already gone.
CALLIOPE: Of course she's gone. She's a female
character.
>-----------------------------------------
>-------------------
MARY: Look out! She's got a gun!
AZMI: *BLAM!* Claire's gone, now it's your turn,
Marissa...
>Gryphon was standing in the ruins of a
>once-great hall.
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon, snobbish] Can you at least get rid
of the dust? It's ruining my Armani jacket.
TAPSLAUGHT: YOU DO THAT VERY WELL.
CALLIOPE: Thank you. [beat] Hey!
AZMI: Pot calling kettle black, TAPSLAUGHT.
>"Tristin, I need to talk
>to you. Ariana sent me."
MARY: [Gryphon] She says you're to wear the leather
thong and earring for dinner.
>"What do you wish of me?"
CALLIOPE: [Morden] What do *you* want, Mr Tristan?
>"I want to know more about a woman named
>Clare St. Cloude."
AZMI: I am Clare Macleod of the clan Macleod...
TAPSLAUGHT: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!
MARY: Of this fic? I wish.
>"Yes...I remember Clare. Very strange mix
>up, if I recall.
AZMI: [Tristan] Did we put in too much sugar? I think we
did.
>"Tell me. I need to know everything."
CALLIOPE: [Tristan] Sure. Do you have a few million
years?
>"Oh, you trying to cover your tracks, are
>you?"
TAPSLAUGHT: SPRINKLING PEPPER WILL USUALLY DO THE
TRICK.
>"No. I know I'll be found out eventualy.
CALLIOPE: That's "eventually".
>I just want to sort this all out before I
>have to fess up. Where is Claire Ross
>now?"
CALLIOPE: Finally, a right spelling of her name!
AZMI: Don't rejoice too soon, Cal.
>"I don't know, but I could find out."
AZMI: [Tristan] ... for a fee.
MARY: [Gryphon] I only have myself to offer.
CALLIOPE: [warningly] Mary Sue...
>"Please do. And thank you for your time."
AZMI: [Tristan] 'Sokay. I have nothing better to do.
>"No problem."
TAPSLAUGHT: [Tristan] I'LL GET BULLSEYE ON THE JOB
IMMEDIATELY.
>-----------------------------------------
>-------------------
MARY: [snickers]
CALLIOPE: What?
MARY: You don't want to know. Trust me.
AZMI: I do!
[Mary Sue whispers into Azmi's ear, and they giggle.
TAPSLAUGHT and Calliope stare at each other in
confusion, having caught only the words "comparing"
and "length".]
>"Raven!"
MARY: Assume the position!
CALLIOPE: I feel ill.
>"Yes, my Lord?"
>
>"Cut the act Raven.
AZMI: [Raven] But... but... it's the best one in the
whole play!
>I know you lied to
>me.
MARY: [Gryphon, sobbing hysterically] How could you,
you beast?! I thought our relationship was special!
>Now try and convince me to not kill
>you here and now."
AZMI: [Raven] I'm cute, don't kill me, I'm cute, don't
kill me...
TAPSLAUGHT: [disapprovingly] THAT'S MITAI'S LINE.
>"I'm sorry! How was I suppose to know
>what the deal with Clare was? How could I
>have predicted that a little genetic
>manipulation would do that?
AZMI: [Raven] Really! I didn't know she'd turn out to
be another Chibi-Usa!
MARY: Talk about a genetic freak.
>"It's happened before! You like playing
>with other peoples' lives."
TAPSLAUGHT: [Death] BUT NOT CHESS. *OR* CRIPPLE MR
ONION. I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE RULES.
AZMI & MARY: [claps]
CALLIOPE: Good impression.
TAPSLAUGHT: [modestly] THANK YOU.
>"Oh, you mean that Siege Perilous thing.
>I was just having fun. What can I say?"
AZMI: I thought that was Roma.
MARY: Considering the fact that it was an idiotic
plot, it's not far-fetched that Raven was behind it.
>"Do you have any idea how many people you
>messed up with that particular stunt?"
CALLIOPE: 196 833?
>"No, do you?"
>
>"Well... THATS NOT THE POINT!
TAPSLAUGHT: [sarcastic] A FINE RETORT, GRYPHON.
>If you ever
>do anything like this again, I will have
>to hurt you. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!?"
AZMI: [Raven, holding hands over ears] Jeez, you don't
have to shout, y'know.
MARY: [ditto] Besides, your breath stinks.
CALLIOPE: Gryphon is just about as threatening as a
ladybug with a foam bat.
>"Okay, okay I won't do it again."
MARY: [Raven] So here're your fishnets and feather boa
back.
>"Do you promise?"
>
>"Yes!"
>
>"Okay."
>
>Gryphon vanished and Raven uncrossed her
>fingers.
AZMI: [sighs] Those who didn't see that coming, put
your hands up.
[None do.]
AZMI: I thought so.
>END PART ONE OF CLAIRE'S CONFUSION.
TAPSLAUGHT: [flatly] YAY.
>Well? what did you think? I want to hear
>your honest opinion(but be nice) Thanx!!!
MARY: Uh-huh.
AZMI: Remember...
MARY: [scowling] No insults or flames to the writer. I
know.
>MY E-Mail address is Timesprite@usa.net
CALLIOPE: [darkly] I *will* have a discussion with
your Muse, Timesprite...
AZMI: Hey, the theatre doors are opening!
TAPSLAUGHT: THEN LET US LEAVE.
[They stand up and walk towards the doors, shoulders
slumped.]
SATELLITE #1013'S LOUNGE
"Ughhh..." Azmi groaned as she leaned back on
the sofa as closed her eyes. "That was
terrible."
Mary shook back her mass of red hair. "I've read
worse. I just wish that it didn't sound as if
the writer blatantly ripped off Sandman. Neil
Gaiman was a *good* writer, dammit."
"INDEED," TAPSLAUGHT interjected. "CAN IT BE
MORE OBVIOUS? GRYPHON IS REALLY MORPHEUS IN
DISQUISE, ARIANA IS DEATH, AND RAVEN..."
"Desire," Calliope finished. She eyed the bar
thoughtfully. "Anybody want a drink?"
"Pink vodka, please," said Azmi, not opening her
eyes.
"BLOOD. WITH A TWIST OF LIME AND AN UMBRELLA."
Calliope raised an eyebrow, pausing in the midst
of rummaging through the bottles. "Very well."
"Guinness for me," decided Mary Sue. "I didn't
know you're a bartender too, Calliope."
The Muse shrugged. "When you've been to a party
in Olympus, you'd learn to mix your own drinks,
too."
"Why? Are they that terrible?" asked Mary Sue.
"No... it's because gods like a good joke as
much as everyone else."
Mary Sue and Azmi winced. "Sounds painful," said
the latter.
Calliope nodded. "Zeus never could take a joke
as well as he could dish it out."
"All right, boobies," interrupted a nasal, high-
pitched voice. "It's time for a check-up. Any
feelings of impending insanity, hallucinations
of Perry Como, broken will, etc?"
The newcomer was a woman with long black hair,
an orange stripe blazing its way in the middle
of the straggly locks. She wore tight spandex
shorts, and a leather jacket which looked
deliberately torn. Fishnets and knee-high boots
encased her legs. The message on her ripped
white t-shirt read: "Say hello to Death,
scumbags". Her face was powdered dead white
except for a black starburst pattern over her
left eye, which matched her lipstick. In the
midst of the black-and-white landscape, a ruby
nose stud glowed wine red.
She glared at them with pupilless eyes. "Well?"
she demanded, holding a clipboard.
"TAPSLAUGHT FINDS YOUR LACK OF MANNERS
OFFENSIVE, PUNY MORTAL."
"Yeah? Too damn bad. Deal with it." She snorted,
scribbling something. "Hmph. Dr McCoy'll not be
pleased."
"We'd like to keep our sanity a little longer,
thank you very much." Mary Sue gave her a long,
speculative look. "Who the hell are you,
anyway?"
"Name's Rosavenger. I run this hunk of tin the
furred bugger calls a satellite."
"Rosa... venger?" repeated Azmi incredulously.
The aforenamed woman looked annoyed. "Look,
pretty-pretty, I didn't bloody choose the name,"
she growled defensively. "My Writer did, idiot
that he is."
Calliope's eyes widened. "Wait a second...
aren't you that failed "bad girl" character?"
Rosavenger whirled around, eyes narrowed. "How
the hell did you know that, yuppie woman?"
"Your Writer's Muse cried for a week after he
created you."
"Yeah? It's damn hard to be a bad girl when you
sound like Fran Fine." The black-haired woman
folded her arms. "And that stupid "signature
weapon" he bloody gave me..."
"WHICH WOULD BE...?" TAPSLAUGHT boomed in.
"A magic nose stud."
"I beg your pardon?" the Muse asked, startled.
Rosavenger sighed. "It's like the Witchblade.
Y'know, a female bearer every generation and
shit like that?"
Mary Sue's lips twitched. "It doesn't sound
*that* bad."
"Yeah? Watch this... it's the stud's special
power." She lifted the fingers of her left hand
in the "Victory" sign.
There was a glow from the nose stud, and a
rubber band materialized between her fingers.
With her right thumb and forefinger, she sent it
flying towards the bar, narrowly missing
Calliope. It hit a bottle of Jack Daniels,
bounced off, and came to rest on the impeccably
polished bartop.
Silence.
"BWAHAHAHA!" The two redheads (one real, the
other only in spirit) of the group slid to the
deck in hysterical laughter. Calliope did her
best not to giggle, but TAPSLAUGHT was rapidly
losing the battle against an army of guffaws.
Rosavenger merely threw her hands up in
resignation, glaring at the laughing duo.
"Um... heh... um..." Whatever Azmi was going to
say in the way of commiseration was lost,
however, when sirens and alarms blared out its
raucous symphony.
"WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" they shouted in unison.
"Hey, Rosa-- oh, she's gone..."
"Forget her, let's go!"
"Jeez, *you* sound enthusiastic."
"You know what they say, the faster we finish
this..."
"THE SOONER WE CAN GO. LET US BEGIN, THEN."
[Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1. The
ladies file into theatre and sit in their
previous seats.]
>The X-MEN are the property of
>Marvel Comics. Don't Sue me
>please.
CALLIOPE: Actually, we may be able to sue her in
British courts under the law of tort, for
neglecting the duty of care to limit harm caused
by one's action.
MARY: Going by that, we'll *definitely* be able
to sue her in the courts of the USA.
AZMI: Play nice, kitties.
>Claire Ross is MY
>character.
MARY: Imagine if she's a MARVEL character.
ALL: [shudder]
AZMI: After all, they already have precedence in
Jean.
>This story is MINE. If
>you steal my characters at least
>let me know.
MARY: Dear Timesprite: May I use your character,
Claire? It's for my sequel to Laersyn's "Devil's
Due."
AZMI: [makes chainsaw sounds]
> CLAIRE'S
>CONFUSION Part Two
TAPSLAUGHT: [flat] COMMENCE THE TORTURE.
>Lost Time
CALLIOPE: The remake of "X Marks the Spot"
starring Leonardo DiCaprio as Mulder and Britney
Spears as Scully, directed by a clone of Ed
Wood.
>It's raining.
AZMI: [singing] I'm only happy when it rains...
>I hate the rain.
AZMI: Oh.
CALLIOPE: [narrator] Ugh, look at what it did to
my hair!
TAPSLAUGHT: I AM NOT SURPRISED, CONSIDERING THE
AMOUNT OF POLLUTANTS IN THE AIR.
MARY: Thank you *so* much. And to think I used
to like seeing the rain...
>I
>get onto the cramped subway train
>and find a seat.
CALLIOPE: Unfortunately, its last occupant was
an incontinent drunk.
>I ignore the stares.
MARY: [narrator] Is it wrong to wear a
fluorescent green bikini top and polka-dotty
baggy pants with a Smurf cap? Huh?
>I hear their thoughts
>of 'mutie' 'Maybe she's got that
>mutie disease.' 'She shouldn't be
>allowed to ride with us normal
>people'
CALLIOPE: X-Men fanfic cliche #1: All
'flatscans' must hate mutants.
MARY: In this case, I forgive them.
>I'm doing my best remain
>calm when I feel a tug on my
>sleeve.
TAPSLAUGHT: DO YOU WANT TO SEE SOMETHING
*REALLY* SCARY?
>I look down into a pair of
>innocent blue eyes of a young
>girl.
CALLIOPE: Sadly, she failed to notice the unholy
gleam in 'her' eyes until too late. A brief
shriek later, there was nothing left of her
except for an acid-burned black shoe... and the
monster rests.
>"You have pretty hair."
AZMI: [girl] I've never seen a hairstyle with a
rabbit cage on it!
>"Thank you." The comment touches
>my heart. Most times it's my hair
>that sets me apart.
MARY: [narrator] I *told* my hairstylist I want
the Monica style, but he gave me Medusa!
WAAAAAAA!!!!!
>Pink and blue, too pale to be dye,
>it's what gets me branded as a
>mutant outright.
AZMI: Good Lord, it's CHIBI-USA AND JESSE BLUE'S
DAUGHTER!
OTHERS: EWW!
>If that doesn't
>startle them my eyes do.
AZMI: [TV newscaster] And now, we switch over to
Mary Sue, reporting live from the site of the
tragedy. Hello, Mary Sue.
MARY: [reporter] Hello, Azmifarayaro.
AZMI: [TV newscaster] What's the latest
development?
MARY: [reporter] Apparently, an eyewitness
describe her as having, and I quote, "eyes of
pure hellfire". The police are treating this as
stress-induced hallucinations, but the statement
was supported by another eyewitness who describe
her eyes as "fiery with a terrible anger."
TAPSLAUGHT: CUTE.
>Ones
>blue, the other purple. It's
>enough to make the racists crawl
>out of the woodwork.
AZMI: Why? It's not like it's all that unusual
nowadays, what with contacts and all.
MARY: Just smile and nod.
>That is why I
>am so touched by
AZMI: ... An Angel.
MARY: I don't like that show.
>her comment. All
>she sees is a person.
CALLIOPE: X-Men fanfic cliche #42: Children are
the only ones who don't hate mutants, due to
their innocence.
>"Don't bother the lady, dear."
CALLIOPE: You might contract something
unpleasant, like Mary Sue-ism. [looks at Mary
Sue] The *original* one.
>Then she looked up from her paper.
>"Oh my!
TAPSLAUGHT: KASUMI?
>Come on Kathy, we're
>leaving!"
MARY: [mother] Let's get out of this horrible
fanfic!
>If only we could stay that way.
AZMI: Said by one who never had *six* set of
memories of high school in her head...
MARY: I feel for you.
>----------------------------------
>--------------------------
MARY: [scholarly] Here, we compare the irritant
factor of two well-known boybands, N'Sync and
Backstreet Boys.
>Later
AZMI: Okay! I'll just be off, then...
TAPSLAUGHT: SIT DOWN, AZMIFARAYARO.
AZMI: [sighs]
>Standing on the front porch of a
>huge house,
CALLIOPE: [narrator] How odd. There's a flash of
lightning and the sky was perfectly clear...
>on the threshold of a
AZMI: Threshold? Isn't that the crappy Voyager
episode?
MARY: "Crappy" describes more than 50% of
Voyager, Azmi.
AZMI: It's the one where Paris mutated into some
kind of slug.
TAPSLAUGHT: MUCH LIKE THIS FANFIC.
>new life.
AZMI: [motherly] I know that puberty can be very
difficult sometimes...
>A man in red glasses
>answered the door.
AZMI: [Lurch] YESSSSSSSSSSS?
>The minute I
>saw him I knew this must be
>Cyclops.
CALLIOPE: And how, may I ask? I thought his
superhero identity is a secret!
MARY: Having read through nearly two parts of
this story, you still ask?
CALLIOPE: Point taken.
>"Um...are you Scott Summers?"
TAPSLAUGHT: NO... I'M BATMAN!
>"Yes, how can I help you?"
MARY: [narrator] Where.. umm... you know... the
place with the young ladies?
>"My name is Claire Ross. I'm
>looking for Professor Xavier.
CALLIOPE: [Scott] Uh, lemme check. [tilts her
head to one side] He's not in. Bye! [slams door]
Professor? It's safe to come out now...
>"The Professor is..Uh..
>indisposed.
MARY: [Scott, babbling] Uh, the leather thong
I'm wearing? Nothing, why do you ask?
CALLIOPE: MARY SUE!
>I'm afraid he won't be
>back anytime in the near future.
AZMI: [Scott] And everything goes well, he never
will! MWAHAHAHAHA!
>"Oh, I'm sorry. I've wasted your
>time." I turned to go.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Scott, mumbling] GOOD RIDDANCE.
>"Miss? Are you sure we can't help
>you?
AZMI: [Scott] We have an extra Minnie Mouse
costume and a ball gag.
CALLIOPE: Azmifarayaro...
AZMI: [whistles innocently]
>You knew Professor Xavier,
>didn't you?"
>
>"Yes. He helped me a few years
>back."
MARY: IfyaknowwhatImean!
>"Maybe we can help you now. Why
>don't you come inside."
CALLIOPE: [Scott] Welcome to my parlour,
childe... [laughs darkly]
>I didn't know what to do.
TAPSLAUGHT: COMMIT HARA-KIRI TO REGAIN YOUR LOST
HONOUR?
AZMI: Run screaming for the hills?
CALLIOPE: Beg forgiveness for forcing them into
this fanfic?
MARY: Seduce them into providing a sequel to
"Mhairie"?
OTHERS: [big sweatdrops]
>Logic
>dictated that I shouldn't stand
>there in the rain,
TAPSLAUGHT: [Spock] EMINENTLY LOGICAL.
>but I was
>reluctant to dump my problems on a
>bunch of people I didn't know.
AZMI: Why not? That's how talk radio hosts make
their money.
>"Well...Okay. I guess it
>couldn't hurt.
MARY: ... she thought, not noticing the crazed
grin that lit up Scott's face and the whip he
hid behind his back.
CALLIOPE: Mary Sue...
MARY: [rolls eyes]
>----------------------------------
>--------------------------
AZMI: This is your intelligence. *This* is your
intelligence after watching 'Jerry Springer'.
MARY: It should be much lower.
>I was sitting across from a
>red-head who had identified
>herself as Jean.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Claire] JEAN... I AM YOUR MOTHER.
CALLIOPE: [Jean] No! That's not true... that's
impossible!
TAPSLAUGHT: [Claire] SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS... YOU
KNOW IT TO BE TRUE.
>When I had come
>in I told Scott why I was there.
AZMI: [Claire] Could I borrow some sugar?
MARY: [Claire, breathy] So to speak...
>He said that he would fetch his
>wife.
CALLIOPE: Good Scott! Roll over, Scott! Good
boy!
>"I guess she's one of the most
>powerful telepaths on the planet
>now.She should be able to help.
AZMI: [Scott] But it really depends on who's
writing her this month.
>"Why don't we start by telling me
>about yourself. Specifically how
>you came to meet the professor."
MARY: [Claire] Well, there was this bar...
>"Well, it started when I was 15.
CALLIOPE: [flipping through a small book] Ah,
here we are. Rule #108 of The Heroes' And
Heroines' Rulebook: A mutant's powers must start
around age 15. This causes much angst, since it
interferes with their social life.
>Little things.
MARY: [Claire] The Professor was very self-
conscious about it for a while, but the Viagra
really helps.
TAPSLAUGHT: MARY SUE.
MARY: [to Calliope] Isn't that supposed to be
*your* schtick?
>Now I should mention that
AZMI: ... I'm wanted by half of the world's law
enforcers.
MARY: ... I have rabies.
>for as long as I
>could remember my mother had been
>in denial.
ALL: [snicker]
MARY: Too easy.
>she had dyed my hair
>brown, made up some story to
>explain my eyes.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Claire's mother] WE WERE
VACATIONING NEAR CHERNOBYL WHEN OUR CLAIRE WAS
CONCEIVED.
>I had never
>questioned her.
AZMI: [Igor] Yeth, mawther.
>I had no reason
>to.
MARY: [Claire] I mean, would I want to cut off
the hand that gave me my allowance?
>Then things began to change.
AZMI: [singing] Everything changes but you!
>Things would fall over when I
>walked by, stuff like that.
MARY: They have a poltergeist in the house!
>Then
>one evening we got into an
>argument.
AZMI: [Claire] But I wanna wear the black dress!
MARY: [Claire's mother] Young lady, you're not
going to your grandmother's house dressed like
that. Wear the pink one.
AZMI: No!
MARY: Don't make me take away your MTV!
>I wanted to stop dying
>my hair.
CALLIOPE: [Claire] It's, like, World War III up
there!
>I wanted to know what
>colour it was naturally.
AZMI: Honey, you could have found that out on
your own, you know.
MARY: Easier to ask forgiveness than to ask
permission.
CALLIOPE: I suppose *you* would know.
>She went nuts.
AZMI: There were walnuts and hazelnuts and
acorns all over the place!
MARY: [singing] Millions of peanuts, peanuts for
me...
TAPSLAUGHT: ACTUALLY, PEANUTS ARE REALLY A KIND
OF PEA, NOT NUT.
MARY: [huffy silence]
>I didn't understand why.
AZMI: Why ask why?
>I started screaming at her.
MARY: [soap-operaish] DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I
*LOVE* HIM!
>Then it happened.
MARY: Wow, *that* was sudden.
CALLIOPE: Wha-- MARY SUE!
>All at once all the
>glass in the house exploded.
AZMI: Like that X-Files episode with the
reincarnated cop.
CALLIOPE: Oh, you mean 'Born Again'.
MARY: *You're* an X-Phile?
CALLIOPE: I only watch it for Skinner and the
Well-Manicured Man.
[Azmi and Mary exchange a look.]
AZMI: O-kayyy...
>Then
>the plates and so on.
MARY: That's a strong scream... are you sure
this kid isn't related to Sean Cassidy?
AZMI: Maybe she's his daughter in an alternate
universe, by Tsukino Usagi.
>My mom ran
>from the house. She didn't come
>back. Ever.
CALLIOPE: Not even for clothes and money?
TAPSLAUGHT: I SUSPECT SHE HAS BEEN SALTING AWAY
HER BINGO WINNINGS IN A SWISS BANK ACCOUNT.
>My dad was so
>frightened. He finally contacted
AZMI: [singing] When there's something strange,
in the neighbourhood... who're you gonna call?
OTHERS: [ditto] GHOSTBUSTERS!
>Professor Xavier.
AZMI: Oh. Does he have a cool ray gun too?
MARY: [snigger]
>He didn't know
>what else to do.
TAPSLAUGHT: THE CANNING FACTORY WAS OUT OF THE
QUESTION, AND GALACTUS ALREADY HAS A HERALD.
>When we paid a
>visit,
CALLIOPE: ... to the mental hospital, they told
me not to worry as they'll take very good care
of me. Well, the straightjacket was kinda nice.
MARY: To the X-Mansion? Same thing, really.
>the Professor told me that
>I was a telekinetic and that my
>powers were tied into my emotions.
AZMI: [Prof X] I realize you're happy and you
know it, but could you please stop making us
stamp our feet?
>I was also a low level telepathy.
CALLIOPE: A "low level *telepath*".
AZMI: Low level, yeah right. Anybody taking bets
as to an increase in power?
MARY: Why bet on a sure thing?
>He helped me get control,
TAPSLAUGHT: [Yoda] CONTROL, YOU MUST LEARN
CONTROL!
>but
>wanted me to stay on at the
>school. My dad would hear none of
>it.
MARY: Why? You'd think he's be ecstatic to keep
her away from society for a while longer.
>I was controlled. That was all
>that mattered.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Borg] RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU
WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
AZMI: Her father must've worked for the Ministry
of Truth.
CALLIOPE: War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery.
Ignorance is Strength.
>When we came home,
>he sent me away to school.
MARY: Excusez-moi? So why *didn't* he let her go
to a school which would let her out of his hair
*and* help her control her powers?
AZMI: The IQ of a dead prawn?
MARY: That would do it.
>I was
>angry, to say the least.
MARY: [Claire, sobbing] Now I'll never get a
chance to sleep with Scott before he gets
married!
>One
>moment, I had what seemed like a
>happy, normal family.
AZMI: [Claire] We lived in this nice place
called Fear Street, too.
>The next I'm
>being shuffled between boarding
>school and summer camp.
CALLIOPE: [soccer commentator] The School team
got off to a jittery start tonight, but it looks
like they're finally getting their act together.
AZMI: [ditto] It's about time! The score now is
tied at 2-2, after newcomer Smith from Summer
Camp shot a beautiful goal in the 48th minute.
What do you think, Calliope?
CALLIOPE: She's a striker to watch, I'd say. And
here comes team captain Cheng, the Physics
teacher, with Claire. Will you look at that!
Made a splendid pass to McQueen, now feeding it
to-- oh! Intercepted by Hernandez! Shame, shame.
>I never went home.
AZMI: [singing] Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the
old oak tree, it's been three long years, do you
still want me?
MARY: [ditto] If I don't see a ribbon 'round the
old oak tree... I'll stay on the bus, forget
about us, put the blame on me...
AZMI & MARY: [singing lustily] If I don't see a
yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree!
CALLIOPE: This has been a blatant but heartfelt
plug for the Yellow Ribbon Page at
http://www.subreality.com/yellow.htm, brought to
you by the crew of Satellite #1013.
>When my dad died when I
>was 18, I was left hanging.
TAPSLAUGHT: ... BY A THREAD AT THE EDGE OF THE
UNIVERSE, WHERE CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION WAITED.
LADY LUCK WAS NOT FEELING KIND THAT DAY.
CALLIOPE: The fanfic got to you too, hmm?
>I had
>inherited a good chunk of money,
MARY: [snort]
CALLIOPE: Of course.
>so I enrolled in collage.
MARY: She covered herself with glue and rolled
on pieces of coloured paper?
>The
>stress was too much and my powers
>flew out of check.
AZMI: Speaking as someone who has more than one
college experience rattling in her memories, I
can sympathize all too well.
>I lived on my
>own for a few years.
MARY: ... with the odd lover or two and a
succession of goldfishes.
>Life was
>getting pretty unbearable.
CALLIOPE: Why? Didn't she inherit a fortune?
>I couldn't hold a job, because
>whenever I got angry, things would
>start exploding."
AZMI: And so, as a last resort, Claire found
herself staring at the doors of DiC.
MARY: ... where she was eventually hired to
voice the Sailor Starlights, the highlight of
her dubbing career.
>"Why didn't you come to the
>Professor for help?"
CALLIOPE: [Claire] What, and ruin a plot device?
>"I don't know. I guess it had
>never crossed my mind that my life
>could get better.
ALL: [facefault]
MARY: How dumb *is* this girl?
AZMI: Now, Mary. She could be just... umm...
ignorant.
>I figured
>that no one was bothering me,
AZMI: [Claire] Because when I turn sideways, I'm
practically invisible!
>so I would just keep going
>the way I was.
>I guess I felt that I
>didn't deserve better."
MARY: Works for me.
AZMI: [reproachfully] That was cruel.
>"Then why come now?"
[TAPSLAUGHT and Calliope clamp their hands on
Mary Sue's shoulders.]
TAPSLAUGHT: NO.
MARY: [sulkily] Fine.
[beat]
AZMI: [Claire] The vibrator's batteries were
running low.
CALLIOPE & TAPSLAUGHT: AZMIFARAYARO!
[Mary Sue and Azmi high-five each other.]
>"Something happened. Something I
>just can't deal with on my own.
>It's just too weird.
AZMI: Honey, you *are* in this fanfic. Deal with
it.
>A few months
>ago, I woke up in a hospital. I
>had no I idea how I had got there.
CALLIOPE: She must have been on the same
spaceship as Scully.
TAPSLAUGHT: AT LEAST SHE DID NOT WAKE UP TO FIND
TWO PLANETS ON HER CHEST.
CALLIOPE: What makes you so sure?
>I had gone to bed in my apartment,
>and woken up there. or at least
>that's what I thought.
MARY: Do you have that guy's phone number? I
want it!
AZMI: What's the use of sex if you can't
remember doing it?
MARY: Point.
CALLIOPE: Ladies, remember something called the
Comics Code?
>Then I
>discovered that they thought I was
>someone else.
TAPSLAUGHT: [doctor] WE THOUGHT YOUR NAME WAS
MARY SUE.
>Clare St. Cloude was
>the name they had me under.
AZMI: [cheerful nurse] Feeling comfy under the
name, miss?
CALLIOPE: That would explain the spelling in the
first chapter... I think.
>Same
>first name, but spelt wrong. And I
>had been there for two weeks.
CALLIOPE: Actually, she had been sedated for the
last week as the hospital staff eventually came
to the heart-wrenching decision of letting her
live.
>The
>killer thing is, it was a whole
>year and a half after I had gone
>to sleep."
MARY: [grandmotherly] And the moral of story is:
never go out dancing with fairies after smoking
weed.
>"Did anyone have any idea who
>Clare St. Cloude was?"
AZMI: She's the second cousin twice removed of
the half sister of your great-great-grandson in
the future.
>The doctors said I was brought in
>by someone claming to be my
>sister.
CALLIOPE: [incredulous] Someone wants to admit
to being related to her?
TAPSLAUGHT: SHOCKING, IS IT NOT? AH, WELL. YOU
CANNOT CHOOSE YOUR RELATIVES, THEY SAY.
>The reason they remembered
>her was because she had rainbow
>coloured hair. They thought we
>must be related.
MARY: [doctor] Well, um... we did notice that
they looked identical, but we thought it was
just the eyeshadow.
>I was in a coma
>when I was brought in.
TAPSLAUGHT: THE DIFFERENCE WAS MINIMAL, ALL
THINGS CONSIDERED.
>She left me
>there and never came back.
AZMI: [singing] Un-break my heart, come back and
say you love me...
>The
>phone number she had given them
>was fake.
CALLIOPE: [doctor] Hello, is that Ms St. Cloude?
MARY: [husky] No, it's Madame Fantastique's
House of Chains and Whips.
CALLIOPE: [glares at Mary Sue]
>I don't know who she
>was.
CALLIOPE: Isn't this girl just a *wee*
suspicious about the similarities between her
and the mysterious person?
TAPSLAUGHT: JUST SMILE, NOD, AND PLOT VENGEANCE.
>I don't have any siblings.
MARY: [Claire] I pushed them ALL out of the
nest. [laughs darkly]
>The
>real reason I came here is to find
>out what happened to me.
CALLIOPE: [Jean] I'm a telepath, not a psychic.
>My powers
>are pretty much under control,
MARY: [Claire] I held my breath until they said
yes!
>although the telepathic ones seem
>to have increased somewhat. Can
>you help me?"
AZMI: [Jean] Let me check our schedule for a
while... [pretends to flip through a book] Is
Tuesday fine with you? The current Mary Sue
should be riding into the sunset with Remy then.
We'll just thaw out another Gambit from the
fridge.
>"We can help you gain better
>control over your powers, Claire.
AZMI: ... and anyway, we need someone to feed
the cat and water the plants while we're away on
a mission.
>As for the rest, maybe we will be
>able to unravel it as we progress.
AZMI: [pretending to be unravelling a ball of
yarn] Here's the telekinesis thread, and here--
ARGH! Dammit, the TK shield and the Mary Sue
Deus Ex Machina are hopelessly tangled!
>----------------------------------
>--------------------------
CALLIOPE: I think we're running out of line
gags.
TAPSLAUGHT: YOU'RE THE MUSE. INSPIRE US.
>Elsewhere
MARY: Down the toilet?
>"I just uncovered something that
>may be of interest to you."
TAPSLAUGHT: THANK YOU, BUT I ALREADY KNOW THAT
SPIDERS HAVE THE SAME BLOOD PRESSURE AS HUMANS.
>"Pray tell, Gryphon. Pray tell."
MARY: ... so that I know if I have to send the
divorce papers.
>"Claire Ross. She's alive.
AZMI: [Xanatos] It's alive! It's ALIVE! I've
always wanted to say that.
>"Are you certain?"
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] No, that pulse could have
been just a maggot under her wrist.
>"Yes. Tristin told me."
MARY: [unknown person] What, that drunk at the
corner? You fool!
>"Wonderful. Bring her to me"
AZMI: ... and a bag of nachos.
>"I will do so immediately."
MARY: [Gryphon] Right after I watch Ally McBeal.
>Gryphon left and the man turned
>back
CALLIOPE: ... unfortunately missing the glint of
a metal blade. Fifteen minutes and a "repainted"
room later, it was over. The end.
>to his computer model of
>a DNA helix. An evil laugh rang
>out.
TAPSLAUGHT: [sarcastic] LET ME PUT MY
CONSIDERABLE INTELLECT INTO SOLVING THIS PUZZLE.
NOW, WHO *COULD* THAT BE?
CALLIOPE: Sinister?
MARY: Dark Beast?
AZMI: I'll put a tenner on the first one.
>----------------------------------
>--------------------------
AZMI: I just realized something... that looks
like an upside-down bed.
MARY: Must've been some wild party up at the X-
Mansion.
>Danger Room
AZMI: Danger, Will Robinson!
MARY: Goddess, it's a room full of mimes!
>"Claire, the purpose of this
>session is just to test the extent
>of your abilities, and the
>degree of control you have over
>them.
MARY: ... and to see if you can keep your hair
looking good and your breasts bouncy, even while
being mauled by the Marauders. Those are very
important criterias for an X-Woman.
>If you get into any trouble,
>we can cancel the session."
AZMI: [Scott, laughing darkly] "Cancel the
session." Surrrrrrreeeeee...
>Pretty standard stuff. I dodge
>some laser bolts, blow up a few
>robots
CALLIOPE: [Claire] Lasers and robots, ho-hum.
Why, in my days I used to fight off a dozen
Sentinels *and* the Hellfire Club while doing
the macarena!
>using instincts I didn't
>know I had and training I don't
>remember receiving.
MARY: Been there, read that, complained about it
in racmx.
AZMI: In other words, Wolverine.
CALLIOPE: And just about every self-insertion
fic out there.
>In the control booth
AZMI: [Pinky] What will we do tonight, Brain?
TAPSLAUGHT: [Brain] SAME THING WE DO EVERY
NIGHT, PINKY -- TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
>"I thought you said that she had
>no training at all."
CALLIOPE: [Jean] Hello? We *are* in a Mary Sue
story, love.
>"That's what she told me, Scott. I
>got no sense that she was lying to
>me."
MARY: [Jean] At least, that's what I assumed.
[exaggerated shudder] I turned tail after five
seconds.
>"But if she was trained, she could
>hide the fact that she was, at
>least superficially."
CALLIOPE: How? Isn't Jean supposed to be the
bloody most powerful telepath on Earth? Anyway,
if they wanted to find out whether she's
trained, shouldn't they start off with a
sparring session with one of the X-Men? Would
that not make more sense than the DANGER ROOM
for her FIRST try?!
TAPSLAUGHT: JUST SMILE AND NOD, QUEEN OF MUSES.
>"It's possible. I wasn't actively
>scanning her. What are you getting
>at?"
MARY: [sarcastic] My, isn't *she* the sharp one.
AZMI: Well, we all know that Jean's IQ has been
cut in half ever since she married Scott. Along
with all of her personality, incidentally.
>"I'm not sure, Jean. Something
>just isn't adding up."
TAPSLAUGHT: LIKE THE LOGIC IN THIS FANFIC, YOU
MEAN.
>Before Jean
>can reply, her attention is drawn
>back to the Danger Room session.
AZMI: [Jean] Oh my! She's stripping to the Star
Wars theme!
>"Claire, look out!"
CALLIOPE: [Scott] Shh! Do you *really* want her
to survive?
>I spin around in time to see a
>huge piston hurtling towards me.
MARY: It's a reject from La Blue Girl!
AZMI: [giggles]
CALLIOPE: [turning to TAPSLAUGHT] Should I even
bother?
TAPSLAUGHT: [thinks for a while] NO.
>I close my eyes and brace for
>impact.
ALL: [chanting] DIE! DIE! DIE!
>Nothing happens.
ALL: [facefault]
>I open my eyes.
MARY: ... and behold the unpleasantly grinning
faces of three brothers.
>"What the..." The piston is
>being held off by a blue aura that
>is surrounding me.
MARY: She's really going all out to preserve her
virginity, isn't she?
CALLIOPE: Mary Sue... one more tasteless joke
like that and you'll be sitting in the corner.
>"Jean?"
AZMI: No, it's Madelyne... wait... no, it's
Redd... whoops, it's really Phoenix this week.
>"It's not me, Scott.
MARY: [Jean] It was that funny-looking wizard
with the walking luggage.
>Claire is
>doing it by herself. Claire what's
>going on?"
CALLIOPE: [Claire] The Deus Ex Machina is
kicking in!
>"I don't know!" I yell, panic
>seeping into my voice. "I've never
>done this before!
MARY: It'll hurt a little at first, but--
[notices Calliope's hard, unforgiving glare]
Fine, I'll shut up now...
>What is it?"
TAPSLAUGHT: I AM THE ANGEL OF VENGEANCE, COME TO
SMITE THEE ON BEHALF OF GOOD FANFIC EVERYWHERE!
>"It's a TK shield, Claire. Calm
>down."
AZMI: [Jean] And please, remove your teeth from
my calf.
>"How do I turn it off?"
CALLIOPE: Hitting your head repeatedly with
heavy objects usually helps.
AZMI: [Jean] Put a piece of bubblegum in your
belly button!
CALLIOPE: Yuk. Thank you for that wonderful
mental image.
>"Open your mind to me."
MARY: [Jean] Claire, I did NOT need to know
about you, Gambit, and a boysenberry pie.
>Jean hits
>the cancel button and the piston
>disappears.
AZMI: [Claire, sniffling] But we were just
getting to know each other!
MARY: [husky] We'll always have the Danger Room.
>"Okay." The bubble vanishes.
AZMI: Guys? I don't know about you, but I'm
getting *very bad* flashbacks of those sentient
pink bubbles in "The New Rebellion".
>"Apparently, this is a new
>manifestation of your powers.
CALLIOPE: What is it now, the 47th?
TAPSLAUGHT: OF ABOUT 666.
>Since you seem to have perfect
>control of your other abilities,"
CALLIOPE: I wouldn't call not being able to shut
off her TK shield "perfect control", lad.
TAPSLAUGHT: HE SAID *OTHER* ABILITIES.
CALLIOPE: [ungraciously] My mistake.
>There is suspicion in Cyclops'
>voice,
MARY: [Scott] We have a traitor in our midst!
AZMI: [Bishop] That's *my* agenda, you thief!
CALLIOPE: [Remy] Gambit's th' one an' only t'ief
'round here, Tattoo Boy.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Ororo] I BEG YOUR PARDON? *KRAK-
BOOM!*
>"We will work on
>controlling and extending this
>power."
CALLIOPE: [Scott] Then, we'll send you out as
target practice!
>----------------------------------
>----------------------------------
>--------------
AZMI: [newscaster] Newsflash: Last night,
Subreality was buried under three metres of
snow. Officials are not saying anything, but it
is believed that a pack of disgruntled Mutant
X's Ice-Mans were responsible for the incident.
>The past few weeks have gone well.
MARY: I got the beanie babies I sent for, and
slept with three different X-Men!
>I've learned to use my TK shilde to
>not only for defence, but
>ofence as well.
CALLIOPE: By picking up people and bashing them
against her TK shield?
>I am able to
>capture small objects and hurl
>them across the room,
TAPSLAUGHT: I TREMBLE IN FEAR.
>or use the
>shild itself as a kind of
>exoskeleton, addindg power to
>punches and kicks.
CALLIOPE: That's "adding", and you misspelled
"shield" again.
AZMI: I wonder if she could make her shield
opaque...
MARY: Why?
AZMI: So we could use it to avoid reading this
fic.
>I have also
>became friends with some of the
>X-men.
CALLIOPE: Just as tasty as the X-Men, but with
99% less steroid and silicone.
>Gambit and Wolverine in
>particular have became the people
>I am most inclined to talk to,
AZMI: Every fangirl's dream.
MARY: If Claire gets together with Gambit, I'm
out of here... hunting her throughout
Subreality.
>all
>though all Storm , Rogue, and Jean
>are equaly good company.
CALLIOPE: [Rogue] We're just waitin' f'r th'
raight moment ta arrange a lil'... accident.
>For the
>most part, my life has taken on
>some meaning.
AZMI: Couldn't you just take up collecting
pocket lint?
MARY: Or growing tea somewhere in Tibet.
>I do not know if I
>will stay here once my training is
>compleat,
CALLIOPE: That's "complete".
TAPSLAUGHT: WHICH I SINCERELY HOPE THIS STORY
WILL BE SOON.
>but I feel secure here
AZMI: ... except for the Marauders, Sentinels,
Bastion, Magneto, Friends of Humanity, Sinister,
Apocalypse and other assorted baddies. But it's
really quite safe here, if you don't count the
mad priest lady next door.
>and the idea of working to help
>other people apeals to me.
AZMI: ... by destroying half of New York, we're
helping millions of construction workers to stay
employed!
MARY: [Claire] I love spandex and retcons.
>The
>X-men have helped me find myself
>again after so much lost time.
CALLIOPE: [Remy] Here's th' map and th' s'ovel,
chere.
>End Part Two.
ALL: THANK THE SUPREME BEING!
> Onto Part
>Three of Claire's Confusion
ALL: WAUGGGGGHHHH!
AZMI: When will the hurting stop?
>Father's Sins
MARY: He should've gotten the vasectomy.
CALLIOPE: Look sharp, people. The doors are
open!
AZMI: [weakly] Let's get out of here.
[They leave, wobbling slightly.]
SATELLITE #1013'S KITCHEN
The kitchen of the satellite was fully equipped with
the latest in cooking technology, including a small
replicator. It was incongrously festooned with floral
patterns, from the blue-and-white tiles to the red
daisies tablecloth. The fine china plates had
chrysanthemums on them, with matching cutlery. It was
a kitchen where the cast of "A Bug's Life" would feel
at home.
However, the "floral diarrhea" (to use Mary Sue's
description) was more than balanced by the glum faces
of its current occupants. Azmi had buried her head in
her arms, occasionally banging it on the table.
Calliope was cheerfully preparing grilled lamb chops,
and only her fellow prisoners recognized the homicidal
gleam in her eyes as she studied the knives.
TAPSLAUGHT sat silently beside Mary Sue, who was
polishing off the last of her yellowtail sushi and
green tea.
"At least we know we won't starve up here," Mary
tentatively pointed out.
*THUNK!*
Smiling maniacally, the Muse cut the meat into two
pieces, putting both into a rose-patterned bowl. As
she seasoned them with black pepper, she said evenly,
"Cold comfort."
"PAINFUL, YOU MEAN."
"That, too." Calliope's grip on the pepper grinder
tightened.
Azmi slowly raised her head. "I don't know about you,
guys, but I don't think I can survive the next part...
at least, not this soon." She pressed a hand against
her temple, wincing slightly. "God, I haven't felt
this bad since I fought TAPSLAUGHT... ah, no
offence..."
"NONE TAKEN," TAPSLAUGHT assured her. "AND I CONCUR."
"I don't think I'm up to facing the next part either,"
Mary confessed.
A haunted look passed through the Muse's face as she
set down the bowl, sitting down with uncharacteristic
heaviness. "I am a deity, practically a goddess! Why
do I not have control over this, DAMN IT TO HELL?
WHY?!"
TAPSLAUGHT sighed. "I HAVE THE UNSETTLING FEELING THAT
WE ARE MERE PAWNS IN GAME MEANT TO AMUSE OTHERS...
LIKE CHARACTERS IN A STORY."
"So instead of a supreme being who created the world
from the entrails of his parent, we have loons powered
on alcohol and caffeine?" Mary Sue snorted. "How
comforting."
Something huge, white, and plastic landed in the
middle of the table, missing Azmi by mere milimetres
as it rested in front of her nose. With a startled
oath she jumped up, staring at the square object.
"What the bloody hell is *that*?" she demanded,
looking up at the ceiling. Confirming her half-formed
suspicions, there were no signs suggesting that it had
in fact fallen through the roof.
"It looks like... a giant computer key," Calliope
began, poking at it with a ladle. "You know, from the
keyboard?"
"INDEED. A 'Q', AS A MATTER OF FACT."
Mary Sue waved her hands. "Time out, people. The
questions here are: Why, and how?"
"Wait a minute," said Azmi cautiously. "We were
talking about being characters in a story when this
happened... do you guys think that we just broke
through the fourth wall?"
Shocked gasps and curses greeted her speculation.
Calliope stared at the key, as if daring it to jump up
and bite her. TAPSLAUGHT's expression was very
similar, except that she looked as if she almost
*hoped* that the key would attack.
"This is too weird," Mary commented. "But it makes
sense. But why..."
The usual sirens and alarms drowned the rest of her
words, sending shudders down the spines of all four.
Ths time, though, no shouts or hullaballoo greeted the
ruckus.
"We've got fanfic sign," they sighed, trudging off
towards the theatre.
[Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1. The ladies
shuffle towards their seats, clearly dreading the
experience]
AZMI: [false cheer] C'mon guys, I *know* we can do
this!
TAPSLAUGHT: WHATEVER YOU SAY...
CALLIOPE: [tightly] I *will* get out of this thing
alive, even if it kills me.
MARY: Excuse me--
CALLIOPE: Shut up, Mary Sue.
>The X-MEN and stuff are the
>property of Marvel Comics.
CALLIOPE: Is that what they're calling "crap writing"
nowadays?
>Don't
>Sue me please.
AZMI: No worries. Claire's the Mary Sue, honey.
>Claire Ross is MY
>character. This story is MINE.
TAPSLAUGHT: *BOOM!* THE MINE HAS DETONATED, FLINGING
BLOODY PIECES OF CLAIRE ROSS EVERYWHERE.
>If
>you steal my characters at least
>let me know.
MARY: Dear Timesprite, I'm writing a Subreality Cafe
story about a Mary Sue Convention, so could I use your
character? I'm awarding her with the Jean Grey
Lifetime Achievement award!
> Claire's
>Confusion
CALLIOPE: Also known as "The Sentient Mud".
>Part 3
AZMI: Three, four, lock the door!
>Father's Sins
MARY: [Claire's mother, sobbing] I *said* I wanted a
dog!
>I was banging around the house.
AZMI: *BANG!* Ow! *BANG!* Ow! *BANG!* Ow! *BANG!* Ow!
*BANG!* Ow!
MARY: She was banging around the house? Does she have
enough condoms for that?
CALLIOPE: *Someone's* begging for a time-out...
MARY: [grumbles]
>Every one had gone off to calm
>down some riot started by the
>FOH,
TAPSLAUGHT: [Scott] A FEW OF ORORO'S HURRICANES SHOULD
DO THE TRICK.
MARY: [random X-Man] Actually, we were going bar-
crawling. We just wanted to get away from Claire as
much as possible.
>and because I wasn't an
>active member of the team,
AZMI: ... I had to put Wolvie out and clean the
bathrooms.
>I got
>put on guard duty.
MARY: Aww, is the mighty Claire St. Sue feeling just a
tad underappreciated?
>I was in an
>unbelievably bad mood. I had
AZMI: ... no arse to kick, and I'm all out of
bubblegum!
MARY: ... wasted all my jello on Remy, and he didn't
even pay me!
TAPSLAUGHT: ... LOST AT DOOM TO ARTIE!
CALLIOPE: ... PMS!
>started off the morning
AZMI: [singing] Wake up, it's a beautiful morning!
CALLIOPE: The sun was shining, the birds were singing,
and the ashes of the Mary Sue bonfire works great as
fertilizer!
>by
>destroying my alarm clock.
AZMI: Claire *is* Garfield in disguise!
>Then I
>got into a fight with Scott.
MARY: [Scott] Darling, I am not wearing that garter
belt for tonight.
AZMI: [Claire] But... but... I have the frozen
cucumber all ready!
CALLIOPE: Ladies...
>Again. This time it was about
>Gambit.
AZMI: [Claire] He does too have a tattoo!
MARY: [Scott] But one of Rogue on his butt? Claire,
have you been eating those mushrooms again?
>Cyclops had called him a
TAPSLAUGHT: [Scott, breathy] A HANDSOME TASTY HUNK OF
A MAN!
CALLIOPE: Not you, too...
>slacker, and since he wasn't
>present to defend himself, I did.
ALL: [fidget]
CALLIOPE: Zeus, *please*, *please* tell me it's not a
fangirl fantasy I'm smelling.
>Was it just me, or hadn't anyone
>else notice how depressed he was
>acting.
AZMI: [sarcastic] No, of course not. It's not like
Ororo's his best friend, Rogue's practically grafted
to his side, Bishop's watching him like a hawk, and
Jean's the bloody frigging most powerful telepath on
Earth, is it now?
>Most nights he didn't get
>back 'till 5am.
CALLIOPE: Which begets the question of how, exactly,
did she know that?
MARY: [Uhura] Captain, the stalker is hailing us.
>If he came home at
>all.
AZMI: [Remy] Gambit's sure you're all won'dring why he
called dis meeting. I've been t'inking 'bout life
lately an' seems dat it's lacking meaning... well, no
more. Gambit's just found de answer: I be joining a
Buddhist monastery in the Himalayas.
>My thoughts were interrupted
>by a noise downstairs.
CALLIOPE: Going dowstairs to check, Claire was
distracted by a pretty shiny dime she found on the
stairs. This proved to be her undoing, as moments
later an axe cleaved its way through her skull. The
end.
>"Remy?"
>
>No answer, but it must be him.
MARY: [Claire] I can sense his AURA!
>Who
>else could have bypassed all of
>the perimeter defenses?
ALL: [laugh]
AZMI: Well, I dunno, Claire... considering the number
of times and the ease of which the perimeter defenses
has been breached, I figure that it's just a Girl
Scout selling cookies.
>I run
>over to a computer terminal.
CALLIOPE: [Picard] Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.
>"Computer, locate Gambit."
>"Nonaplicable. Designate: Gambit
>is not on grounds."
MARY: [Claire] Dammit! And I just bought this pink
teddy today!
>"Computer, who else is in the
>house?"
TAPSLAUGHT: [computer] CLAIRE ROSS AND CONVENIENT PLOT
DEVICES ARE ON THE GROUNDS.
>"Designate: Claire Ross is only
>registered personnel on grounds."
TAPSLAUGHT: [Computer] MARY SUE DEFENCE SYSTEM ONLINE.
OBJECTIVE: TERMINATE CLAIRE ROSS.
OTHERS: [cheer and clap]
>Now I'm gettin' worried.
CALLIOPE: "Gettin'"? She must have been hanging around
Rogue for far too long.
>I head downstairs
AZMI: ... to get some strawberry juice and conquer the
Romulans.
ALL: [shiver]
>and here some shouting.
CALLIOPE: Lending more credence to the theory that
Claire is Marissa with a dye job, we present the use
of "here" instead of "hear".
>"where are you? i know you're
>here! come out!"
MARY: ... of the closet? Wow, I didn't know Claire
swings that way.
>I went down the main hall towards
>the front hall. I can hear things
>being knocked over.
AZMI: [sarcastic] The suspense is killing me.
>I inch
>forward and peek around the
>corner.
CALLIOPE: Ah, the Gillian Anderson situation. A few
months of peeking around corridors, body doubles, and
above-waist shots.
>What, or who, I see
>startles me.
MARY: It was the Anti-Mary Sue, primed and ready for
some bazooka action.
AZMI: Nah. It said "startles", not "scares me
witless".
>The person, a woman,
>looks almost identical to me.
AZMI: [Claire] Let's re-enact Lauryn Hill's "Doo Wop"
video!
>And
>she doesn't seem happy .
CALLIOPE: I am your good counterpart in a mirror
universe, and I have come to save this world from YOU.
>"You
>looking for someone?"
MARY: [Claire 2] I need another woman for a threesome
with Gambit and, well... I have this fetish about--
CALLIOPE: Mary Sue!
>"you! you're going to pay for
>taking my life away!"
CALLIOPE: Cat got your capital letters?
AZMI: Maybe it's an artistic thing. Y'know, like e.e.
cummings.
TAPSLAUGHT: I DOUBT IT.
>What?!?
AZMI: Our reaction to this fanfic, encapsulated in one
word.
MARY: I thought it was "KILL!!!"
>Before I can respond she
>hurls a coffee table at me.
AZMI: Fear the wrath of a glossy hardcover and a
rather nice table mat!
>My TK
>shield snaps up and the table
>shatters. I felt that!
MARY: She has Cecelia Reyes' power now?
AZMI: Logically speaking, she couldn't have felt that
through her TK shield. Flung off her feet by the force
of the table, perhaps, but not feel the actual impact.
At least, not physically.
CALLIOPE: Logic dictates that she strangles herself by
her her own TK shield chapters ago, but we didn't see
that happen, did we now?
>I use my
>shield to hurl her across the
>room, and slam her into the wall.
CALLIOPE: Ah, now I get it. She's the X-Men version of
Invisible Woman.
TAPSLAUGHT: SuSaN rIcHaRdS wIlL nOt Be PlEaSeD...
>She gets up and the window next to
>me explodes. The glass bounces off
>and falls to the floor.
AZMI: INTENSE... CATFIGHT... ACTION!
>"Hey, can
>we talk this out?"
MARY: [Claire] I'm too much of a wuss to use my
souped-up powers!
>"no! you took everything i had
>away from me!"
AZMI: [Claire 2, sobbing] My matchbox collection...
>"You're nuts!
AZMI: Which flavour?
MARY: Azmi, give that joke a merciful death.
>I have no idea what
>you're talking about!"
CALLIOPE: [Claire] My head is hollow!
OTHERS: [snicker]
>She starts
>to reply, but before she can, a
>blue light and a noise like
>ripping fabric makes her stop in
>her tracks.
AZMI: Commander Ivanova, the jump gate just opened!
>A man with white hair
>materializes in the middle of the
>room.
CALLIOPE: I hope it's Apollo, with the rest of
Stormwatch Black close behind.
MARY: Yeah, they wouldn't put up with this nonsense
for a second. A huge smoking crater, anyone?
CALLIOPE: [Jenny Sparks] And you're getting only what
you deserve.
>Something about him sends a
>shiver down my spine.
AZMI: Jeez, turn down the air-conditioning!
>I
>recognize him from somewhere.....
MARY: [Claire] Were you the centerfold for the March
issue of Playgirl?
>"Clare!" I start to say something.
CALLIOPE: [white-haired man] Not you, you idiot.
>"Not you, her."
TAPSLAUGHT: [to Calliope] CLOSE ENOUGH.
CALLIOPE: No... see, the meaning changes without the
"idiot".
TAPSLAUGHT: HOPEFULLY THAT WOULD ALSO HAPPEN WITH THE
STORY.
>He says pointing
>to the other girl.
AZMI: [Poirot] It was you, was it not?
>"What on earth
>do you think you are doing? We
>need her alive!"
CALLIOPE: [white-haired man] We need fresh meat --
kill her close to cooking time.
>"she took my life away! she
>deserves to die!"
MARY: I agree, but could you please get in line? Scott
has dibs on her already.
>"You never had a life! You just
>borrowed hers!"
AZMI: [white-haired man] Now give it back! Bad girl!
Bad!
>He yells.
CALLIOPE: Suddenly, his voice erupted into a sonic
scream, shattering the eardrums of everyone in the
room. They die painfully. The end.
>The
>other woman, Clare, I guess,
>shrinks back visibly from him.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Clare] YOU'VE GOT REALLY BAD BREATH,
MISTER.
>She
>reminds me of a beaten dog, of
>myself at a point in time I don't
>want to remember.
AZMI: [Claire} Although I vaguely remember the
tentacles...
CALLIOPE: *Ick*.
>"Claire, yes I'm
>talking to you now, you've been a
>very bad girl.
MARY: [Claire] Then punish me, master! Use the riding
crop! Punish me!
CALLIOPE: Mary Sue...
MARY: [sulky] No risque lines. I know.
CALLIOPE: Actually, I was going to point out that you
just recycled Azmifarayaro's joke.
MARY: [facefaults]
>He knows you're
>still alive, so he sent me to
>collect you."
CALLIOPE: ... so he can have the pleasure of killing
you himself.
OTHERS: ...
MARY: Watch a lot of John Woo movies, Calliope?
CALLIOPE: [offended] Hey, the violence in Woo's films
is *artistic* violence.
>The twinkle in
>Gryphon's eyes terrify me.
AZMI: [Claire] They remind me of Barney's eyes just
before he sings!
>A wave
>of suppressed memories come
>flooding to the surface.
AZMI: [Claire] Hmm... popcorn... theatre... "The
Postman"? AIEEEE!!!
>"NO!" I scream and knock him to
>the floor.
MARY: [Gryphon] So are you getting off me, or were you
just getting comfortable?
>Gryphon struggles away
>from my blows.
CALLIOPE: It's like dodging mayflies... harmless, but
annoying.
>"I'm not going
>back!
AZMI: [Claire, sobbing] They don't have chocolate
pudding!
>I Won't be apart of his
>experiments any longer!"
MARY: [Claire] The apple pie was fine, but I draw the
line at his doughnuts!
>"Have it your way. You're only
>delaying the inevitable.
AZMI: [mad scientist] Rob Liefield *will* take over
all the X-books! Mwahahaha!!!
OTHERS: EVIL!
>I'll be
>back.
TAPSLAUGHT: AT THIS POINT, I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT SEEING
ARNOLD BEAT THE STUFFING OUT OF GRYPHON FOR STEALING
HIS LINE DOESN'T SOUND TOO BAD...
>And I'll keep coming until
>you slip up.
MARY: Does he have enough fluids in his body to do
that?
CALLIOPE: MARY SUE!
>Then you'll come back
>where you belong."
>He and Clare
>disappeared.
CALLIOPE: ... into the void where none return,
dragging Claire along with them. They were never heard
of again.
TAPSLAUGHT: I *WISH*.
>He wasn't ready for
>me this time, but he's right. I
>can't keep him away for long.
MARY: Somehow, I'm reminded of that scene in "The
Birds" where they covered all the windows with
planks...
>It's
>time to tell the truth.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Claire] THE TRUTH IS, I DESERVE TO DIE.
>----------------------------------
>--------------------------
AZMI: [singing] Bricks are falling on Claire's head...
>"What the hell happened here!?!" I
>knew Scott would be mad, but he
>looks like he's going to have a
>coronary.
CALLIOPE: [Scott] You have a CLONE?! Now we'll have
that Inferno mess all over again!
>"There was an intruder." I say as
>calmly as possible. "Two,
>actually."
>
>"What do you mean? If there were
>intruders, all of the defenses
>would have gone off!"
>
>"Your defenses aren't as good as
>you think. Check the records for
>massive energy signatures. You'll
>see what I mean."
>
>"I don't believe you! No one can
>get past the security system!"
>
>"Acutely, Gambit does all the
>time." I pointed out "
>
>Don't bring him into this! What
>really happened here? Did you
>loose your temper again? "
>
>"Me? You're the one who's flipping
>out! I don't have to listen to
>this! I'm out here!"
ALL: [stunned silence]
MARY: This is *so* out of character for Scott, I don't
think I can riff this conversation without having him
kill Claire a hundred times over.
CALLIOPE: What does she mean, Gambit gets past the
security system all the time? He's one of the bloody
X-Men, for Zeus' sakes, of course the security system
wouldn't identify him as an intruder!
TAPSLAUGHT: YOU WOULD THINK THAT AS A LEADER OF THE X-
MEN, SUMMERS WOULD BE MORE CONCERNED AS TO CLAIRE'S
WELFARE RATHER THAN ASSIGNING THE BLAME.
AZMI: [shakes head] This is wrong...
>I storm
AZMI: You Wolverine!
MARY: Ororo's not going to be pleased...
>out
>of the house and slam the front
>door.
ALL: [jump in their seats]
CALLIOPE: Turn down the sound!
>Cyclops comes running out
>after me.
MARY: ... with a wickedly sharp rapier.
AZMI: [Scott] My name is Scott Summers. You killed my
personality. Prepare to die.
>"Come back! You can't just take
>off! Do you hear me?!"
CALLIOPE: [Scott] Not without a healthy, nutritious
breakfast!
>I spot Gambit coming up the drive
>on his Harley. I flag him down.
MARY: A Close Encounter With the Lame Kind.
CALLIOPE: Claire or Gambit?
MARY: Take your pick.
>"What is it, chere?"
CALLIOPE: [Gambit] Y'r Deus Ex Machina ran out of oil?
[coughs]
>"I need to get out of here." I say
>climbing on behind him.
MARY: I don't think I've ever seen that position in
the Kama Sutra...
TAPSLAUGHT: [warningly] MARY SUE.
MARY: That's Calliope's line, Armour Woman.
TAPSLAUGHT: HER THROAT IS SOMEWHAT SORE IMPERSONATING
GAMBIT'S ACCENT, SO I'M HELPING OUT.
>"Let's go!"
AZMI: [singing] Hey ho, let's go!
>"Where to?"
CALLIOPE: Over a cliff?
>"I don't care. Away from him." I
>point in the direction of Scott,
>who is still yelling and waving
>his hands.
AZMI: There's someone in the back! There's someone in
the back!
MARY: *You* watched "Urban Legends"?
AZMI: [shrugs] I was bored.
>"What y' do to make him so mad at
>y'?"
CALLIOPE: [Claire, valley girl] I'm me. Duh.
>"You don't want to know."
>
>"Dat bad, huh?"
MARY: [Claire] Let's just say that mutants don't react
well to Viagra...
CALLIOPE: [exasperated] Will you just *stop* it?
>"Let's just say that the front
>room looks like a bomb has been
>detonated in there.
AZMI: [Claire] I was testing out my latest recipe!
TAPSLAUGHT: ... FOR DISASTER.
>It wasn't my
>fault though, I was attacked." He
>laughs.
CALLIOPE: ... hysterically, finally breaking down and
weeping. [Remy] "Y' mean dey din' succeed?!"
>"I'm so glad you find my
>problems humorous."
AZMI: [Claire] I will BURN you with a look!
MARY: Shh! Who knows what power she's hiding?
>We take a ride
>for a while.
CALLIOPE: [Claire] Remy? Are we supposed to be riding
into the sea?
>I relax. I guess it's
>just from being around Scott to
>much,
MARY: Oh, of *course* we wouldn't want that. Why, we
might actually learn to be an *interesting* character!
AZMI: Now, Mary...
MARY: I didn't hear *you* protesting at the "cruelty"
earlier.
AZMI: Ehh... the fanfic was getting to me.
MARY: [mumbling] Cop-out.
>but Remy seems to be one of
>the most laid back guys I've ever
>met.
TAPSLAUGHT: THAT IS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT CHARACTER-BASHING, *AND* USUALLY SCORES BEFORE
THE END OF THE STORY.
CALLIOPE: TAPSLAUGHT... are you all right?
TAPSLAUGHT: NO.
>I don't feel like I have to
>hid things from him.
AZMI: Yep, that truth serum is really potent.
>We pull over
>and sit in the grass.
MARY: Look out for-- aw, damn! They sat on the dog
poo!
>"Care t' talk 'bout what's been
>eaten' at y'?"
AZMI: [Remy, singing] Pour y'r misery down on me, pour
y'r misery down on me...
>"Not really. It's just that Scott
>doesn't trust me one bit,
MARY: ...
AZMI: [worried look at Mary Sue] No, Claire, you got
it wrong. *Bishop's* the Mulder fan, remember?
>and I
>feel like everything I've been
>working at for these last few
>months is starting to cave in.
MARY: [hopeful] Her TK shield is going to collapse and
crush her to death?
OTHERS: [big sweatdrops]
>A
>part of me I thought I had buried
>is comin' to the surface.
CALLIOPE: In the shallow grave sort of sense.
>Stuff in
>my past I thought I had escaped is
>coming back to haunt me."
AZMI: [Claire, hysterical] I didn't mean to kill the
hook-handed man! I swear I didn't!
>"Gambit knows what y' mean."
MARY: [Remy] Dem sailors, dey never know how t' keep
deir mouth shut.
>"You? You seem like the last
>person who would try to hid from
>something they did."
CALLIOPE: That's "hide".
TAPSLAUGHT: SOMETHING CLAIRE SHOULD BE DOING, IF MARY
SUE'S EXPRESSION IS ANY JUDGE.
MARY: [undertone] Die...
>He laughs again. "Appearances can
>be deceiving, chere."
AZMI: Standard cliche for any slasher film.
>"I guess everyone has their
>secrets and their shame, huh?"
MARY: For example, you would never guess that Kitty is
one of the pioneers of cyber-s--
CALLIOPE: That's enough, Mary Sue.
>"Oui."
>
>"Well, maybe we should head back.
CALLIOPE: [Remy] But chere... de incinerator's a nice
place.
>Cyke has had enough time to cool
>down, I hope."
MARY: He also has had enough time to find a chainsaw,
I hope.
>----------------------------------
>--------------------------
AZMI: Lookit at all the flying pancakes...
CALLIOPE: You've been watching "Space: Above and
Beyond", Azmifarayaro?
>Meanwhile
MARY: ... the explosives were set, and ready to be
detonated upon the arrival of a certain annoying
person.
>"Jean, I did some checking up on
>our house guest."
AZMI: Something Harrison Ford should've done.
>"Scott, why on earth would you do
>that?"
MARY: I hate to say this, but... *Duh*, Jean.
TAPSLAUGHT: HAS SHE BEEN TAKING BIMBO PILLS?
>"I told you I was
>suspicious, Jean. She has been
>lying to us."
AZMI: [Scott] Barbie's sister is named Skipper, not
Skippy!
>"About what?" concern sounding in
>her voice.
CALLIOPE: We have another character named Concern who
talks in Jean's voice?
TAPSLAUGHT: YOU DELIBERATELY MISUNDERSTOOD THAT,
DIDN'T YOU?
CALLIOPE: Damn straight.
>A dark look crossed Scott's face.
MARY: [dark look] Don't mind me... just passing
through.
>"Her mother. She didn't leave
>Claire, she died. Claire killed
>her."
ALL: GASP!
MARY: Please note the important plot point, brought to
you by Scott "Bastard" Summers.
>"I can't believe that Scott. I
>won't believe it. There must be a
>mistake."
CALLIOPE: Can you just *feel* the passion in her
defence?
AZMI: She must be just reading the script... I know
*I* would.
>"Do you remember the fight she
>told us about? Well, her mom was
>standing near a window when it
>exploded. Her mom bleed to death
>before help could arrive."
>
>"Claire isn't a murderer, Scott.
>Just the victim of an unfortunate
>accident."
MARY: Hello? Isn't Scott intelligent enough to realize
that? Has *he* been taking bimbo pills?
CALLIOPE: I think that he would use the more formal
"mother" too, rather than "mom".
AZMI: Guys? If we're going to pick apart the
characterization, we'll be here until Remy marries
Rogue in the comics. Can it.
>"I'd say her mother was the
>victim." He mumbled.
CALLIOPE: She escaped early from this fic. What has
*she* to complain about?
>"I heard that. I really think
>you're being unfair. You never
>seem willing to give anyone the
>benefit of a doubt."
MARY: [makes choking/growling sounds]
AZMI: [sighs] Does "Remy" and "Jubilee" ring a bell?
>"I'm just looking out for
>everyone's well being."
CALLIOPE: At least he's allowed to defend himself...
MARY: [sarcastic] Oh yeah, *that'll* hold up.
>"I know, Dear.
AZMI: Jean is married to God?
CALLIOPE: Hush.
>You just try to
>hard sometimes. I'll go talk to
>Claire.
AZMI: [Scott] Jean, don't! You'll get assimilated!
>Maybe it will make more
>sense once we hear her side of the
>story."
MARY: Lady, we're a long way past "sense".
>"Maybe." He sounded doubtful.
TAPSLAUGHT: I KNOW THE FEELING.
>Knock knock
AZMI: Who's there?
CALLIOPE: Kosh.
AZMI: Kosh who?
CALLIOPE: Gesundheit! [laughs]
MARY: If you two are finished with the "Babylon 5"
skit, can we move on?
>"Claire? Can we talk?"
CALLIOPE: [Logan] Less yappin', more scrappin'.
>"I guess. What do you want?"
AZMI: [singing] I want to live, I want to run through
the jungle, the wind in my hair and the sand at my
feet...
>"Well...Scott seems to think that
>you haven't been completely honest
>with us."
TAPSLAUGHT: [Claire] OKAY... I ADMIT IT, I WAS THE ONE
WHO TILTED THE EARTH'S AXIS.
AZMI: [shudder] Thank goodness Marvel didn't go with
that plot for the Magneto War.
>I chuckled. "Yeah, well, does it
>count as lying if you didn't
>remember the truth before today?"
CALLIOPE: An interesting logic problem.
MARY: Yeah. Sort of like, "If a tree fell on Claire in
the woods, would anyone care?"
>"No, I guess it doesn't. What did
>you remember?"
MARY: [Jean] Just not the parts with you, Remy, and a
tub of kiwifruit jello, please.
>" My mom." Tears welled up in my
>eyes "I killed her. I didn't mean
>too..."
AZMI: ... the fairies made me do it!
>"It's okay."
CALLIOPE: Jean, she committed manslaughter. Take an IQ
pill.
>"And my dad." Jean was startled to
>see the pain in Claire's eyes turn
>to rage.
AZMI: [Claire] He didn't let me go to the prom, damn
him to hell!
>"I remember what he did
>to me. He used me.
MARY: ... as bait for the chicks!
>Jean, he sold
>me to geneticists as a guinea pig!
CALLIOPE: ... providing hours of amusement as I run on
the wheel in my cage.
>No human being deserves to be
>treated the way I was!"
AZMI: [grudging] True enough.
MARY: Even for Claire?
AZMI: [clearly torn] Well... yes, even for Claire.
>"It's all right, Claire." Jean
>tried to hide the astonishment in
>her voice.
AZMI: [Jean] *You're* the third Summers brother?
>"All right! How can that be all
>right?"
MARY: [Claire] I'm a woman, dammit! I *can't* be the
third Summers brother.
>"I'm not saying what he did was
>right. It's horrifying. "
AZMI: [Jean] You're my long-lost clone sister!
>"Jean, can you do me a favor?"
CALLIOPE: [Claire] Shoot me. Please.
>"What?"
TAPSLAUGHT: [Jean] SCOTT HAS DIBS ON YOUR DEATH FIRST.
>"Look into my mind. Help me to see
>everything that has happened to
>me."
AZMI: [Jean] Everything?
MARY: [Claire] Well... if you see black silk boxers,
bail out.
>"Normally I wouldn't but if you're
>sure..."
>
>"Yes. I want to remember."
AZMI: [Claire] Except my first date. And most of my
high school years.
>#Okay. Just relax.#
CALLIOPE: [Jean] This psionic knife won't hurt a
*bit*. [laughs darkly]
>I found myself standing on a gray
>windswept plane. #Is this my
>mind?#
CALLIOPE: [Jean] Yes, down to the curiously two-
dimensional feel.
>#It is a representation of it,
>yes. Do you see that broken wall
>over there?#
TAPSLAUGHT: [Jean, fussy] WOULD IT TROUBLE YOU TO AT
LEAST SWEEP AWAY THE RUBBLE? YOUNGSTERS NOWADAYS...
>#Yes.#
>
>#That is the 'wall' that broke
>down and released your memories#
CALLIOPE: Odd... I thought it represented our sanity
while reading this.
>#And that one?# I pointed to a
>huge monolith standing near by.
MARY: Freudian imagery... overwhelming...
AZMI & MARY: [giggle madly]
>#I would say that some
>particularly deserting memories
>lie behind that wall.#
AZMI: [to Calliope] What does "deserting" mean in this
context?
CALLIOPE: I don't think I've ever seen anyone use
"deserting" like that.
TAPSLAUGHT: PERHAPS HERE IT MEANS "TURNING SOMETHING
INTO A DESERT".
MARY: Like this story's effect on our brains.
TAPSLAUGHT: EXACTLY.
>#Do you think that it will come
>down by itself?#
MARY: [huge grin]
CALLIOPE: Oh no, you don't!
MARY: You're such a spoilsport.
>#I believe it will. Once you are
>emotionally ready to deal with
>them.#
AZMI: Anyone wanna bet that she remembers *before*
she's emotionally ready?
>#Thank you, Jean. #
>
>"You're welcome."
MARY: IfyaknowhatImean!
>I opened my eyes.
CALLIOPE: ... to see rows of sharp, shining teeth
dripping with blood.
>"I'll leave you alone for a while,
>to think this all over."
MARY: [Jean] And remember, while this particular
position may have its benefits, I urge that you try
the Two Dogs with Chopstick position.
CALLIOPE: MARY SUE!
>Knock knock
AZMI: I suddenly have the urge to sing "Knocking on
Heaven's Door".
MARY: Let's hope that Claire will be knocking on the
door of the *other* place.
>"Hello, Remy."
>
>"Hi."
CALLIOPE: [flatly] I am overwhelmed by the hidden
undercurrent of passion in the three words.
>"So..what do you want?"
AZMI: [singing] Oooh don't you wanna break her? Oooh
don't you wanna take her home?
>"I saw Jeanie leavein' an' I
>wanted to make sure y' were okay."
MARY: [Remy] Y'd never guess it, but Jeannie's quite
de dominatrix type...
CALLIOPE: [sighs]
>"Yeah, I remembered some things
>about my past. Some really
>horrible stuff. But I'm okay now.
>Mostly."
AZMI: [Claire] I'm trying to sound strong, but I'm
really traumatized. Hold me.
>"Dat's good chere." He turned to
>go.
CALLIOPE: ... hitting himself on the door and dying
instantly.
>"Remy?"
>
>"Chere?"
TAPSLAUGHT: [Claire] YOUR FLY'S OPEN.
>"About before, thanks for
>listening. I really needed to blow
>off some steam."
AZMI: [singing] I'm a little teapot, short and
stout... this is my handle, this is my spout...
[Suddenly, without warning, the screen fizzles and
goes black]
MARY: What the hell?!
TAPSLAUGHT: THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL FOR US.
CALLIOPE: [leaping to her feet] The door just opened!
Let's go!
[They run for it.]
The air outside the theatre was tainted with smoke and
the smell of ozone, made worse by a drastic decrease
in temperature. Rosavenger lounged like a panther in
front of the theatre doors, looking very displeased.
"The bloody computer that controlled the theatre
fizzled out," she growled to them without preamble.
"Stupid cheap Shi'ar black market goods... anyway, you
have two hours before the next part starts." She
scowled, adding amidst the cheers, "Enjoy your break,
boobies, 'cause you won't enjoy the fanfic."
As the last of the overjoyed group danced and sang
their way to the bar, Rosavenger dropped her grim
facade. Smiling slightly, she opened her fist to
reveal a tiny square of silicone and metal she had
removed from the computer -- a small, but vital
component.
"You're welcome, guys," she said softly, dropping the
chip to the floor and grinding it with her boot heel.
SATELLITE #1013'S OBSERVATION GALLERY
"Now you're in the... uh... Tom Jones Ballerina Zone!
You have to pirouette while singing 'It's Not
Unusual'"!
"TAPSLAUGHT DOES *NOT* SING TOM JONES' SONGS."
"TAP..."
"*SIGH* VERY WELL. *AHEM* IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO BE LOVED
BY ANYONE..."
"Eh? Where did all the cute animals come from?"
"You're mine, blondie!"
*BONK*
"Ow! Watch it!"
"Yeah? You just got hit by the ball, which means that
you have to roll over and bark like a dog!"
"We're standing in the Counter Zone, which means *you*
have to do it."
"Damn you--"
"Ahem!" Azmi looked meaningfully at her watch. "Sorry
to cut the fun, guys, but the fanfic starts in 20
minutes." She scooped up the bright green ball,
bouncing it like a basketball. "Isn't Calvinball fun?"
Mary glared at Calliope. "It would've been better if
*someone* understood the concept of fun."
"I play to win, not for fun," the Queen of Muses
retorted, unruffled. She took off the bandanna mask,
looking down ruefully at her sweaty 'Godzilla' t-
shirt. "I suppose it's a good thing I have time for a
quick shower."
The four were wearing t-shirts and jeans cutoffs,
scrounged from a box somewhere in the depths of the
satellite. They were, apparently, movie merchandise --
bad movies, as the quartet discovered to their dismay.
TAPSLAUGHT, trying to get her hair into order, said,
"IS IT NOT ODD HOW WE JUST 'HAPPENED' TO FIND THE
CLOTHES? WHY ARE THEY HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?"
"I just hope it's not the Seven of Nine clause," Azmi
answered, shrugging. "Y'know, throw in a
provocatively-dressed woman to draw the 18-30 male
crowd?"
Mary shuddered. "I sincerely hope not. Now, about that
shower..."
[GRATUITOUS SHOWER SCENES CUT DUE TO FICTIVES'
PROTESTS. NEWS AT ELEVEN.]
Sixteen minutes later a rather damp TAPSLAUGHT joined
her fellow prisoners, standing pensively near the
theatre doors. Calliope looked poised; blonde hair
impeccably styled and her blue suit without a crease.
Azmifarayaro and Mary Sue clearly dreaded the upcoming
fanfic, though the former did a better job of
concealing it. The impassive mask, however, cracked
slightly as sirens and alarms started to blare.
"WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!"
[Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1. The ladies
take their seats, grumbling.]
>Claire's Confusion, Part Five
AZMI & MARY: Say what?!
CALLIOPE: Now *I* am confused. Where's part four?
TAPSLAUGHT: THINK CAREFULLY ON WHAT YOU ARE SAYING...
CALLIOPE: Oh. Right. Carry on, then.
> Tears of Sorrow, Tears
>of Rage
MARY: And the sequel, "Tears of Pain, Screams of
Rage".
AZMI: Written by the crew of Satellite #1013.
>By: Timesprite
>
>"Sinister!"
TAPSLAUGHT: A SUCCINCT BUT ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF THE
STORY.
>"Well, well. Mr. Summers. I must
>say this is an unexpected visit.
CALLIOPE: [Sinister, British] Do come in. I'll just
pop some scones in the oven, and Sabretooth will make
the tea.
>Come to say hello?"
AZMI: [Scott] I'm just here to be out of character and
kick your arse.
MARY: [Sinister] Then I'll just play the "Manic
Laughter" track while you trash my place, shall I?
>"Shut up! Gambit, I'll take care
>of this scum.
AZMI: [Scott] Babysitting may not be glamorous, but it
pays for the repairs to the X-Mansion.
>You and Rogue go
>find Claire."
CALLIOPE: [Scott] Make sure she's dead.
>"Y' heard t' man, Chere. Let's get
>goin'"
MARY: [Rogue, ditzy] What, now? Tee-hee!
CALLIOPE: Mary Sue...
>"Jean, can ya point us in the raht
>direction?"
AZMI: [Jean] One moment... I'm still dowloading the
solution from the Internet. Do we have the magic sword
and the bottle of invisible ink?
>"She's a couple of levels below
>us. I'm sorry, I can't get a
>better location."
CALLIOPE: She's probably the world's most powerful
telepath, right?
TAPSLAUGHT: CORRECT.
CALLIOPE: She has the ability to telepathically link
to someone and thus "see" through that person's eyes,
right? Or at any rate, if the person is unconscious,
sift through his or her memories, right?
TAPSLAUGHT: ALL TRUE.
CALLIOPE: In doing so, she could better extrapolate
that person's location, right?
TAPSLAUGHT: I CANNOT FAULT YOUR LOGIC.
CALLIOPE: Good. Just checking.
>"That's okay. Me an' Remy'll find
>her." The departed.
AZMI: "The departed"? Does that mean Remy and Rogue
are dead?
CALLIOPE: They must be zombies, then. Or... maybe the
phrase refers to Claire.
MARY: Wishful thinking, Muse.
>Jean turned back to where the rest
>of the X-Men were confronting
>Sinister.
AZMI: [Scott] Yo mama's so fat, when she went diving
she caused a tidal wave!
MARY: [Sinister] Yo mama's so fat, when she went to
Japan they thought she's gonna eat Tokyo!
>"What did you want with her?"
CALLIOPE: [Sinister] Her recipe for chicken-fried
steak, you twit.
>Cyclops shouted, letting lose
>another optic blast.
AZMI: [random X-Man] Cyke, you *know* we'll never find
it again! Jeez, some people...
>"Was she just
>another of your guinea pigs?
CALLIOPE: [Sinister] Not at all. My guinea pigs are
much less annoying.
>To
>experiment on as you chose?"
MARY: [Scott] You fie-- wait... can we work out a
deal?
>"She was unfinished. I merle
AZMI: Merle? Wasn't she a sorceress in "Dragon Quest"?
MARY: A crossover? And I thought this thing couldn't
get worse...
>sought to reclaim her. Why should
>you care? She is nothing to you."
CALLIOPE: [Scott] You're right. X-Men, let's leave!
>"That's where you're wrong. She's
>a part of this team ,and the X-Men
>look out for their own."
AZMI: [Scott] It's the Mary Sue contract. Sorry.
>Several floors below the raging
>battle
MARY: [incredulous] They call an argument a "raging
battle"?
AZMI: [shaking head] Sad, isn't it?
>"She's not in this one."
>
>"She not in here either."
MARY: [Gambit] She's not in dis one-- Mon dieu! Lock
de door! Lock de door!
AZMI: [Rogue, dramatic] What did ya see, Remy? What
did ya SEE?!
MARY: [Gambit, gasping] Strong Guy in a bikini!
[beat]
AZMI: [Rogue] Move aside, sugah! I wanna see!
CALLIOPE: Azmifarayaro...
MARY: [laughs]
>Gambit
>and Rogue made their way down the
>corridor, ripping open the
>doors of the holding cells as the
>went, trashing all the equipment
>they could.
CALLIOPE: [Sinister] Well! Let's see if I'll ever
invite *you* for tea again!
TAPSLAUGHT: INGRATES.
AZMI: I never knew Gambit was strong enough to rip
open *locked doors*.
MARY: Must be a retcon thing.
>That way, Sinister
>would be forced to abandon yet
>another base. But it wouldn't stop
>him. It never did.
CALLIOPE: So why are you wasting your energy doing it?
AZMI: Amazing Self-Replicating Sinister Lab[tm], now
for only $99.99 and your immortal soul!
>"Wait, Remy! Ah found her.
MARY: Such enthusiasm.
AZMI: She must be just reading the cue cards.
>Could
>ya give me some light?"
MARY: [Gambit, leering] Y' know Gambit c'n give y'
more then dat, chere...
CALLIOPE: Mary Sue...
MARY: What? I was vague!
>"Oui." He held up a charged card,
>sending a weak glow into the dark
>room.
CALLIOPE: With a sudden burst of intelligence, Remy
threw the charged card into the cell, incinerating
their tormentor. The end.
>"Oh mah gawd!" Came Rogue's
>startled cry.
AZMI: [Rogue] Claire *is* th' third Summers brother!
TAPSLAUGHT: OLD JOKE.
AZMI: [shrugs] Cheap, but satisfying.
>Gambit's eyes went wide.
CALLIOPE: [Rogue] Remy, Ah *love* your manga eyes.
>"What he done to her?
AZMI: [Remy] An' c'n we *please* do it again? With de
hot irons dis time?
MARY: Now *who's* being cruel, hmm?
AZMI: [embarassed silence]
>Chere, get dose
>shackles off her."
MARY: [Remy] An' get 'em on y', chere...
CALLIOPE: [sighs]
>"Sure thing" Rogue grabbed the
>chains and ripped them out of the
>wall.
CALLIOPE: Wait a minute here... isn't she supposed to
get the shackles off *Claire*, not the wall? Shouldn't
Remy be able to pick the locks anyway?
TAPSLAUGHT: SMILE AND--
CALLIOPE: [groans] Nod. I know.
>Gambit scooped Claire up.
AZMI: [Gambit] Y' wan't cherry an' sprinkles with dat,
Rogue chere?
>"She still breathin'. barely."
MARY: [Rogue] She's alive? Damn.
>She
>was so light, like holding a
>skeleton.
CALLIOPE: THE SHACKLES ARE STILL ON HER! SHE'S *NOT*
SUPPOSED TO BE LIGHT!
>The hurried to rendeves
>with the rest of the team.
TAPSLAUGHT: "THE HURRIED TO RENDEVES"?
CALLIOPE: BST... overloading...
AZMI: BST?
CALLIOPE: Bad Spelling Tolerance.
>From a dark corner, Gryphon
>watched the two X-Men take Claire
>from the cell.
AZMI: [Gryphon] I'm FREE!!! FREE AT LAST!!!
>She was safe now.
ALL: [snicker]
MARY: X-Mansion, the Fort Knox of the Marvel universe.
Yeah, right.
>Sinister couldn't hurt her
>anymore.
AZMI: [Sinister] My plans would've worked if it wasn't
for you damn kids!
>Even if she died now she
>would be better off.
MARY: *We* would be better off.
AZMI: [singing] Heal the world... make it a better
place...
>He just
>prayed that she would make it.
TAPSLAUGHT: [God] SON, IN THE INTEREST OF OF THE
GREATER GOOD... NO.
>He
>loved her, and he couldn't stand
>the thought of not being able to
>explain to her what had happened,
>to tell her he was sorry.
AZMI: CHEESY ANGST POWER... MAKE-UP!
>That he
>had never meant to betray her.
AZMI: [Gryphon] And I swear, the Indestructible TK
Shield[tm] was *her* idea!
>When the X-Men had departed, he
>teleported away.
CALLIOPE: ... straight into a lava-filled crater,
where he died a fiery but happy death. The end.
>He would go to
>Xavier's eventually, try to
>explain, be there for Claire.
AZMI: [Gryphon] She's the only one who knows where the
remote control is.
>But
>for now he just sat and watched
>the sun set over the lake.
CALLIOPE: Any moment now, Peablossom and Mustardseed
will come out to play.
TAPSLAUGHT: IN THIS STORY? MORE LIKELY THE CREATURES
FROM THE DUNGEON DIMENSION.
>The
>same lake that he and Claire had
>visited often.
MARY: [Gryphon] And man, did it see some hot jalapeno
action! IfyaknowwhatI mean... [wink]
>Just sitting,
>holding each other, pretending the
>world had not gone mad around
>them.
AZMI: [singing] When superstars and cannonballs are
running through your head... And television freak show
cops and robbers everywhere...
>Maybe someday they could sit
>here together again.
MARY: [Gryphon] Hopefully not, if I'm lucky. Aw,
shucks, what am I *thinking*? Of course she'll
survive!
CALLIOPE: Feeling a little bitter, Mary Sue?
MARY: [mutter, grumble]
>For now he
>sat in the growing dark, tears
>streaming down his face.
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] Why did *sniff* Bambi's mother
have to die? [sobs]
>"You! Don't you think you've
>caused Claire enough pain?
MARY: [speaker] It's our turn!
>How dare you come here?!"
TAPSLAUGHT: [Janeway] YOU'RE OUT OF LINE, COMMANDER.
>The man
>before her looked up with
>sorrowful eyes.
AZMI: [Gryphon, sobbing] I didn't want to, but they
MADE me!
>"I know."
CALLIOPE: Han Solo? You're welcome to come in and kill
him now...
>He whispered, looking
>down at Claire again.
AZMI: [Gryphon] May the saints preserve us from her,
for I am weak...
>"I would
>take it all back if I could, I
>wasn't in control.
MARY: [Gryphon] And quite frankly, I don't give a damn
either.
>Sinister was
>using me, playing with my mind.
AZMI: [Gryphon, sobbing] He made me listen to
B*witched over and over again...
>But that's no excuse. I should
TAPSLAUGHT: ... HAVE TAKEN THAT BUS TO ASTRO CITY WHEN
I HAD THE CHANCE.
>have fought harder,
AZMI: [singing] You think that I'm strong, you're
wrong...
MARY: Beg pardon?
AZMI: Robbie Williams.
>I don't know.
CALLIOPE: [tartly] Neither do we, and we don't care.
>I should have done something!"
AZMI: We know! Now can you please stop that cliched
angsting?
MARY: You should've blown up everyone when you had the
chance, kid.
>Tears were spilling out of his
>sapphire blue eyes.
TAPSLAUGHT: [peering at screen] ODD, I THOUGHT THEY
WERE PIECES OF THE HOPE DIAMOND.
>"I loved her,
>I still do.
MARY: Someone should tell this guy that there are lots
of fish in the sea.
AZMI: [fighting a grin] Maybe he doesn't like seafood.
MARY: [groans]
>I don't think she
>could ever forgive me, though.
AZMI: [Gryphon] That trick with the exploding cigar
*really* ticked her off.
>She's all I ever had.
CALLIOPE: ... except for the Porsche, the condo in
Miami, the private jet, and the Swiss account.
>The only
>bright spot in my life,
AZMI: In the "near-death experience" kind of sense.
>weather
>she knew it or not.
MARY: Hey, Ororo's the one who controls the weather
around here!
>Someplace,
>deep down, under all of Sinister's
>mind tricks, I loved her.
MARY: Must've dug pretty deep.
AZMI: That was cruel, but funny...
>And now
>I'm myself again in time to do
>nothing more than watch her die.
TAPSLAUGHT: I WISH I WAS THERE.
CALLIOPE: So do I. I'll even *pay* for the privilege.
>To watch myself die with her."
MARY: [exasperated] Don't be such a bloody wuss! Get a
life outside the spandex, dammit!
>Jean didn't know what to say.
CALLIOPE: [Jean] Hrm? Huh? Oh. Sorry for dozing off.
>This
>was not the same man who had
>abducted Claire, who had worked
>with one of their greatest
>enemies.
AZMI: That was his evil twin from an alternate
reality, sporting a different hairstyle.
>He was so changed.
MARY: The anti-depressants worked wonders.
>His
>mind was open to her, all of his
>emotions laid raw.
CALLIOPE: [Jean] Anybody want emotions sashimi?
>"God, how could
>he do that to another human
>being?" She whispered. "
TAPSLAUGHT: [sighing] YOU TELL ME, YOU WHO *SHOULD*
HAVE EXPERIENCED MUCH.
CALLIOPE: Doesn't she read the news?
>He isn't human."
AZMI: Nanu nanu?
>Tears of rage now
>filled those icy pools.
CALLIOPE: In another part of the mansion, Bobby Drake
sneezed as he watched Buffy stake yet another
vampire...
>"A human
>being doesn't take advantage of
>people.
MARY: Is this guy from Naiveville or what?
>He dosn't take people off
>the streets and use them as guinea
>pigs.
TAPSLAUGHT: I THOUGHT SINISTER IS SOMEWHAT MORE
SELECTIVE THAN THAT.
CALLIOPE: Exactly. If he just took people off the
street, wouldn't their families raise a stink about it
and spark a massive manhunt? Not to mention that
little detail about the suitability of their genetic
material...
>A human being doesn't do
>this sort of thing!" He motioned
>to Claire's sleeping form.
MARY: Yeah, a human being would put everyone out of
their misery long before this.
>"Gryphon...."
MARY: ... you're pathetic.
>She could feel his
>rage, mixed with incredible sorrow
>and loss.
AZMI: Gryphon's Mixed Emotions Breakfast Cereal,
guaranteed 100% angst.
>He really dose love her.
CALLIOPE: "Dose love her"?
TAPSLAUGHT: MUST BE A LOVE POTION CREATED BY JOHN
CONSTANTINE.
>And we can't do a thing more to
>help her.
AZMI: ... except to wish her a slow, painful death.
>"Scott, you'll never believe
>this."
CALLIOPE: [Jean] We get to have our personalities
back!
>"What?"
MARY: [Scott, hopeful] She's gone?
>"Gryphon's down in the Med-lab."
ALL: YAWN!
>"And you left him there? He'll
>take her back to Sinister!"
CALLIOPE: [dryly] Your confidence in your wife is
overwhelming.
>"He's not the person he used to
>be.
AZMI: [Jean] He now thinks that he's Albert Einstein's
shoe, but it's an improvement.
>He has finally broken through
>years of Sinister's programming.
AZMI: [Scott] So could Kitt-- oh, you mean *mental*
programming.
CALLIOPE: *That* was easy. No therapy, no counselling?
>He's the one that made sure we'd
>be able to get Claire out of
>there.
MARY: [Scott] Affirmative. I'll get Ororo, you get
Logan, and we'll kick his arse to kingdom come.
>I saw it all in his mind.
AZMI: [Jean] I feel nauseated...
>He knew I could read his thoughts.
CALLIOPE: Well, Jean, he must know that you're a
telepath. Hello?
>He deliberately let me see what
>had happened.
MARY: [Jean] Even the parts with the fur-lined
handcuffs and chocolate pudding. Say... are you up for
a threesome, hon?
CALLIOPE: Mary Sue!
>He is sorry for what
>he's done, and his heart is
>breaking."
AZMI: Here, give Gryphon some glue.
>"What are you saying?"
CALLIOPE: My, aren't we the idiot today?
>"He loves her, Scott. He's down
>there right now, holding her hand
>and preying to God that she
>survives."
AZMI: He's hunting God? That's a tall order.
CALLIOPE: Not if the god happens to be Zeus, who can
be baited with anything that looks vaguely pretty and
breathing.
>"I don't see how she could ever forgive him."
MARY: Flowers and a nice dinner usually help.
AZMI: Grovelling wouldn't hurt either.
>"He knows that. He told me.
AZMI: Why is. Jean speaking. Like Shatner?
>All he
>wants to do is say sorry to her.
CALLIOPE: [Scott] So tell him to say sorry and leave,
already!
>To apologize for everything he's
>done.
TAPSLAUGHT: ESPECIALLY FOR LETTING CLAIRE LIVE.
>Go and look for yourself.
>You don't have to read his mind to
>see the pain he's in."
AZMI: [Jean] He has your "Angsting now, do not
disturb" placard.
>Cyclops gently pushed the door
>open a crack.
AZMI: [Scott] I can seeeeeeee youuuuuuu...
>He peered in side.
CALLIOPE: [Scott] I see... wood fibres!
>Gryphon was sitting next to the
>bed holding her hand.
CALLIOPE: Although close examination would also reveal
a syringe filled with cyanide.
>He was
>talking quietly, and Scott could
>just bearly make out what he was
>saying.
MARY: [Gryphon] Die, please die.
>"Claire, do you remember the lake?
MARY: [Gryphon] Where you lost your vir--
CALLIOPE: Go no further, mortal.
>The one that we used to sit by and
>talk? I had forgotten about
>it, just like I had forgotten
>about us.
AZMI: [singing] Do you suffer from long-term memory
loss? I don't remember...
MARY: I wish I can just forget about the entire story.
>But now I remember.
AZMI: [singing] It's all coming back-- mmph!
TAPSLAUGHT: WE FORGIVE SPICE GIRLS, BUT CELINE DION'S
SONGS ARE *NOT* TOLERATED.
>I
>went to the lake, Claire, and it's
>not the same without you.
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] I miss you whining about the
mosquitoes.
>I need
>you to get better, so we can go
>there together again.
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] And this time, I'll smear you with
blood before tossing you in. Maybe *that* will entice
the Loch Ness monster.
>I don't even
>know if you can here me,
TAPSLAUGHT: THAT'S "HEAR".
MARY: [Claire] God, Gryphon, you have a voice like a
foghorn!
>but if
>you can, fight back.
MARY: [Gryphon] There's not enough angst in this story
unless you recover and we have an emotional
confrontation.
>I know you.
>You can overcome this. I know you
>can."
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] After coming back from the dead,
this should be easier than Tigra.
>Cyclops pushed the door open the
>rest of the way and stepped into
>the room.
MARY: [Scott] Are you a friend of Claire's?
AZMI: [Gryphon] Yes?
MARY: That's all I need to know. DIE!
CALLIOPE: Your Scott is out of character, Mary Sue.
MARY: I know. Just venting my hostility.
>Gryphon looked up. The
>pain he was feeling was clearly
>evident.
AZMI: "Evident Pain", the new summer look by L'Oreal!
>All of the anger, all of
>the harsh words Cyclops had on
>his mind vanished.
MARY: ... replaced by a growing feeling of scorn and
contempt.
>What he saw
>before him was a man who had lost
>everything. For whom life had
>been one meaningless tragedy after
>another.
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] Working for Sinister isn't that
bad. Sure, I can't claim overtime and a raise is out
of the question, but the health care plan is
fantastic.
MARY: Yes, Scott, we know he's angsting. Can we please
skip this and get straight to the carnage?
>Who's last link to
>happiness lay dieing before him.
TAPSLAUGHT: THE LAST *HINDRANCE*, SCOTT, THE LAST
HINDRANCE.
>But more importantly, reflected in
>those icy eyes, he saw himself,
>and all of the unfairness life had
>dealt him .
MARY: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Scott, you have nothing in
common with that wuss! OH SWEET MERCIFUL HEAVEN,
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
AZMI: Calm *down*, Mary!
>Where once he would
>have happily struck Gryphon down
>where he stood,
MARY: [growling] Out of character...
[The others edge away slightly]
>he now placed a
>hand on his shoulder.
CALLIOPE: ... breaking it with an expert twist.
>"How is
>she?"
AZMI: [Gryphon, sulky] Why is it always about Claire?
What about *me*?
>"The same.
CALLIOPE: [Gryhon] If she doesn't get better, we'll
have to send her to the glue factory.
>How could I let him do
>this to her? I should have done
>something?"
MARY: Committing hara-kiri would be a step in the
right direction...
>"What? Sinister was controlling
>you. You couldn't even help
>yourself. It's no use beating
>yourself up over it. Believe me, I
>know."
TAPSLAUGHT: THE GENETIC MANIPULATION SO THAT SCOTT
WOULD FALL IN LOVE WITH JEAN? IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN?
AZMI: Marvel "science" at its best.
CALLIOPE: I never quite understood that. If Sinister
wanted to create the most powerful mutant on Earth,
wouldn't it make more sense to make Jean and Xavier
fall in love with each other? Look at David Haller --
his mother isn't even a mutant! Of course, he was also
mentally unstable...
>Something had changed in Scott's
>voice.
AZMI: Ricola!
>Something that said he
>spoke from experience. It laid
>tribute to all that he had been
>through, and that he had survived.
AZMI: Mary?
MARY: [grudging] Okay, I can accept this...
>It was something that gave Gryphon
>a spark of hope.
MARY: Damn straight it should, Wuss Boy.
>Maybe he could
>survive, too.
AZMI: Bets? Let's see you take on the Shi'ar first.
>"You-you're right. I
>did all I could. You don't hate
>me?"
MARY: [Scott] Actually, yes. But I can't say so
because it isn't in the script.
>"I won't lie to you.
CALLIOPE: [Scott] I like you as much as Betsy likes
wedgies.
>When Jean
>told me you were down here I
>wanted to pound your face in.
MARY: That's not like Scott at all! He's a good
fighter, but that doesn't mean he isn't a diplomat
either. Remember "God Loves, Man Kills" when he
confronted Reverend Stryker and, in the end, convinced
Xavier to keep on fighting?
AZMI: Thus endeth the obligatory good Claremont story
plug.
>But
>now I can see that I was wrong.
>About you, and about Claire.
AZMI: [disgusted snort] Of course. Succumb to poor
lil' Claire's charms, why don't you?
MARY: I don't know whether to rejoice that Scott is
finally written as more than just a bastard, or go on
a bloody rampage because of this idiotic "poor
persecuted Claire is proved right" thing.
>You've been through hell, and
>we're going to do everything we
>can to see that you have a chance
>at a brighter future.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Scott] WE'LL TOSS YOU AND CLAIRE INTO THE
SUN.
>So, no, I
>don't hate you. It's late. If you
>want, I can have a room prepared
>for you."
CALLIOPE: [Scott, sepulchral] The one with the
*special* bed...
>"No thank you. I'll stay
>here if it's okay?
MARY: [Scott] No, it's not. You'll only get in
Deadpool's way.
>I don't think
>I'll get much sleep anyway."
AZMI: [Gryphon] I just drank a teaspoonful of Moira's
coffee.
>"Okay. But try to get some rest.
CALLIOPE: [Scott] You'll need it for the Danger Room
session tomorrow. [laughs darkly]
>I'm going to call a meeting for
>tomorrow,
AZMI: [Scott] Do you prefer Danish pastry or
doughnuts?
>and I need you to tell
>us all you can about
CALLIOPE: ... the Penance-Monet business, because we
can't figure it out either.
>the time you
>spent working for Sinister.
AZMI: [Gryphon] Me do lots of bad stuff, me kidnap
people off streets for experiments. Next question?
>We
>might find something that will
>help us help Claire."
MARY: ... die quicker.
>"All right.
>And thank you again."
CALLIOPE: [flatly] ... for prolonging my misery.
>10:30 AM
>
>The Ready Room
CALLIOPE: [Picard] Enter!
>Gryphon sat nervously as the X-men
>slowly made their way into the
>room.
AZMI: [singing] Here they come, the beautiful ones,
the beautiful ones...
>He knew that Cyclops had
>told them of his presence in the
>mansion,
MARY: ... but little did he know that the X-Men had
arranged a little "surprise" for him.
>but he got the distinct
>feeling that some of them didn't
>appreciate it.
AZMI: [Gryphon] That bone claw skewering my kidney was
a subtle clue.
>Wolverine was
>leaning in a corner glaring at
>him.
CALLIOPE: [Logan] I don't remember orderin' a Weenie
Boy fer breakfast...
>Gambit had walked in mumbling
AZMI: [Remy] Stupid comics writers... never get Remy's
accent right...
>about being woken up but stopped
>mid sentence when he caught sight
>of Gryphon.
MARY: [Remy] Merde! 'Nother angster f'r de roof?
>Apparently he hadn't
>been around when Scott had given
>his speech,
TAPSLAUGHT: HE HAD, BUT FELL ASLEEP AFTER FIVE
MINUTES.
MARY: ... in a beer and cigarettes induced stupor.
>and no one had
>remembered to inform him.
CALLIOPE: [Remy] Jus' call Remy de Invisible Man.
>"What he doin' here?"
MARY: [Scott] He's the complimentary Angster of the
Day.
>"Gryphon is here to give us
AZMI: ... free coupons for meals at McDonald's.
CALLIOPE: I don't like McDonald's, but I have to admit
that their Prosperity Burger is quite nice.
TAPSLAUGHT: WHAT'S THAT?
CALLIOPE: Basically, the beef patty is dipped in
peppery gravy and topped with onions. I think you can
only get it in certain parts of Asia, though.
MARY: *Try* to stay focused, people.
>information on what Sinister's
>been doing lately."
AZMI: [Gryphon] I don't know if this means anything,
but I saw him talking to a purple dinosaur. Oh, and
there was that meeting with some bearded guy... I
vaguely remember them mentioning "hidden years" or
something.
>Jean said
>calmly, and nodded at Gryphon.
MARY: [Jean] Good luck, Wus-- err, Gryphon. The
Sentinels are quite tough but I'm sure you can deal
with 1000 of them in no time.
AZMI: [Gryphon] You aren't sending me on a suicide
mission... are you?
MARY: Who, me?
>"Well, I don't know just how
CALLIOPE: ... many angels can dance on the head of a
pin, but I'll do my best.
TAPSLAUGHT: INDULGE MY CURIOSITY -- HOW MANY *MUSES*
CAN DANCE ON THE HEAD OF A PIN?
CALLIOPE: Depends on how large it is. [ignores the
stares sent her way] What, do you think I would give
away trade secrets?
>much
>I know will be useful, but here
>goes.
AZMI: [random X-Man] Do we *have* to? Jeez, my feet are
asleep.
MARY: [ditto] He *always* "peppers" his speeches with
anecdotes. Oh God, we're never gonna leave, are we?
CALLIOPE: [ditto] Anecdotes my fanny. More like bardic
sagas, if you ask me.
>When I was twelve, a man
>picked me up off the streets.
MARY: Not going to say it... not going to say it...
CALLIOPE: *Thank* you.
>I
>don't remember how long I had been
>on my own, but I jumped at the
>chance.
AZMI: I don't think Chance will take kindly to that,
and neither will her dragon.
>He told me his name was
>Dr. Essex.
ALL: DUM-DUM-DUM-DUUUUUUMMMMMM!
>He took me back to his
>lab and had me do earneds for
>him.
CALLIOPE: "Earneds"?
MARY: I'm not *even* going to speculate about what
that is.
AZMI: [skeptical] Really?
MARY: Okay, I will, but I won't say it.
>After awhile he began to
>train me as his lab assistant.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Sinister] WHEN I CRACK THE WHIP, YOU JUMP
THROUGH THE HOOP AND MASSACRE THE MORLOCKS.
UNDERSTAND?
>I
>never really knew what the
>research was,
AZMI: [Gryphon] I did hear some weird noises like
"pika" in the middle of the night, though.
>I didn't ask
>questions. I just did what I was
>told.
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] I am a brainless twerp. Please
kick me.
>Then Claire showed up.
AZMI: [singing] She doesn't know your name, and your
heart beats like a subway train... Oooh, it makes you
wanna die...
MARY: How much music do you listen to, anyway?
AZMI: Hey, it can pretty boring guarding Subreality
Hospital.
>I
>don't know how much she told you,
CALLIOPE: [Rogue] Ev'rythin', sugah. *Ev'rythin'*.
MARY: [ditto] Ah must say ya don't look th' type t'go
for th' schoolgirl look...
CALLIOPE: MARY SUE!
>but her father was a real jerk.
AZMI: Hey, cut the guy a little slack! He didn't turn
her out into the streets, and he *did* leave her his
money.
>It
>had something to do with an
>incident that happened when she
>was younger, but what I don't
>know."
AZMI: It was the Noodle Incident.
MARY: Calvin grew up and had a sex change operation to
become Claire?
AZMI: [appalled] MARY!
>" There was...an accident
CALLIOPE: [random X-Man, muttering] And I'm the Queen
of Nile! Hah!
>involving her mother. Claire told
>us what her father did to her."
MARY: [Scott] About a hundred times over.
>Scott interjected.
>"Okay. Well she ended up at
>Essex's lab.
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] Someone Fed-Exed her to us, and
there was no return address so we had to keep her.
>We got to know each
>other.
MARY: [Gryphon] Wink wink, nudge nudge!
AZMI: Careful, Mary. The slippers might take offense.
>I think we were both
>lonely, looking for someone to
>confide in.
AZMI: [Gryphon] I know now that it was merely carnal
lust. It is you, sweet Logan, whom I would share my
heart and future with.
>The first time I ever
>used my powers in front of another
>person was to take Claire off the
>compound to a lake I knew of.
MARY: [Gryphon, leering] At least, that's what I let
her believe...
CALLIOPE: The first time he used his power in front of
another person? What about Sinister?
>I
>promised her I'd never let anyone
>hurt her again, because if anyone
>tried, we'd just leave.
CALLIOPE: You really *are* a brain cell short of a
room temperature IQ, aren't you, Gryphon?
MARY: Must be a side-effect of the Mary Sue
pheromones.
CALLIOPE: Along with the unreasoning incapability of
the Mary Sue's paramour to find another woman
attractive.
>We were
>happy. Every day I would meet her
>and we would go to the lake.
AZMI: [sarcastic] That's it? No nice restaurant, no
movies, no shopping? What a Romeo.
>Then
>one day, she didn't show up.
MARY: And let the angst begin!
>I
>went looking for her. I went into
>parts of the lab I had never been
>in before.
AZMI: [Gryphon] Say... I never knew that Sinister is a
Tomb Raider fan!
MARY: [ditto] Sinister is subscribed to the X-Files
relationshippers list? Hey, he saved all the NC-17
stories!
CALLIOPE: [ditto] A complete collection of The Far
Side? So *that's* where he gets his ideas from!
>I found her in an empty
>room, she was almost screaming in
>pain.
MARY: Must have been exposed to reality for the first
time, the poor thing.
>I don't know how he knew,
>must have had sensors or
>something, but he knew I could
>teleport and managed to block it.
CALLIOPE: Okay, let me get this straight -- one of the
best geneticists in the world, who specializes in
mutancy, is not supposed to know that his lab
assistant is a teleporter?
TAPSLAUGHT: WHY DID HE NOT STOP GRYPHON EARLIER? I
MUST SAY THAT SINISTER SOUNDS LIKE AN INEFFECTIVE
VILLAIN.
AZMI: I'm confused, too. What happened to the
supernatural elements in the first chapter? Why did
Raven call him "lord of dreams"?
MARY: Maybe it was dealt with in chapter four. And
lucky us, we don't have to read it.
>I couldn't help her. The last
>thing I really remember is Essex
>standing in the doorway.
AZMI: [Gryphon] Dramatically backlit by Prism.
>But he
>wasn't Essex anymore."
MARY: He had been split into Essex Blue and Essex Red.
AZMI: Nah, he was just replaced by his mother.
>"He was Sinister. Can you tell us
>anything else?"
AZMI: Patience, young grasshopper.
MARY: [Gryphon] Well, I can tell you about his
underwear collect-- OW!
CALLIOPE: Behave. Sinister is *not* Happosai.
>"He wiped my memories.
AZMI: [Sinister] Like all smart mad scientists, I
prefer to use Jif.
>Then he
>sent me to work gathering
>'material' for him.
CALLIOPE: The Gathering? Is an alien in an encounter
suit going to show up?
AZMI: I think it'll be a bunch of immortals running
around with *amazingly* hidden swords.
>He would tell
>me where to go and who to collect,
>and I would do it.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Sinister] AND REMEMBER, GET THE EGGS FROM
MRS FEATHERSTONE. THE BROWNS ALWAYS OVERCHARGE YOU.
>He must have
>suppressed the part of me that
>knew what I was doing was wrong.
AZMI: Sinister must have injected him with the Joel
Schumacher serum.
MARY: Still traumatized over "Batman and Robin", Azmi?
AZMI: *Yes*.
>He used to talk about the X-Men a
>lot. Scott and Jean mostly.
>Gambit and Rogue too."
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] He was singing something about
"stupid cupid" and laughing.
>Rogue raised an eyebrow and looked
>at Gambit. He shrugged.
AZMI: [Remy] Oui, chere. My shoulders're still dere.
>"I have no
>idea what de man is talkin' bout."
ALL: OF COOOOOOOOOOURSE...
>Jean motioned for him to continue.
MARY: [Jean] I need my beauty sleep.
>"Well there isn't much more to
>say. I don't really understand
>what happened to Claire.
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] Hell, I barely understand what's
happening in this story!
>Someone
>else was responsible for this
>whole mess.
MARY: The one-armed man, I presume.
AZMI: I think it's the guy with the blue and red paint
on his face.
>Her name was Raven.
AZMI: Darkholme? She's in here too?
MARY: [hopeful] Do you think it's possible for her to
shapeshift into Galactus and ground that wuss into
pulp?
AZMI: ... No.
MARY: Damn.
>Sinister had been training her as
>some kind portage.
CALLIOPE: As I recall, "portage" means carrying goods
or boats overland between a body of water, or the
place where it is done. None of which clarifies my
understanding of this subplot in the least.
TAPSLAUGHT: I ASSUME IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH HER
POWER, ALTHOUGH I HAVE NOT BEEN ENLIGHTENED AS TO
EXACTLY WHAT THAT IS.
CALLIOPE: Sinister already has a teleporter, anyway.
Assuming that he wanted her to be a "kind" carrier of
goods, of course.
AZMI: Guys? Good thing we're not in a story, or you'd
bore our readers to death.
>She took the
>liberty of doing some experiments
>on the side."
MARY: [Raven] Oooo.. now let's see what happens if
Captain America and Storm fall in love with each
other! Tee-hee!
AZMI: [Raven] I'll just mix some gunpowder and nails,
and throw them in a fire to see what happens!
>"Where is she now?"
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] In Hawaii, sipping a Mai Tai.
>"Dead.
MARY: Oh my God! You killed Raven!
AZMI: You bastards!
>Sinister didn't know what
>she had done at first.
CALLIOPE: What I want to know is how she managed to
slip it past Sinister, and whether she had a death
wish. Who does she think she is, James Bond?
>Then he
>found out Claire wasn't dead. He
>was angry.
AZMI: [Sinister] You fool! Do you know what you have
done?! You have doomed us all! Doomed!
>He had all ready killed
>Raven's 'experiment'.
CALLIOPE: That's "already".
MARY: I wish this damn thing's done, already!
>He told me
>Raven was next."
MARY: How stupid *is* Sinister? Gryphon's his lab
assistant, fercryin'outloud! He could have just sent a
Marauder to deep six Raven, and transmit a recording
of the killing to the whole base.
CALLIOPE: A much more effective way to instill fear
and loyalty, if I may say so myself.
>"So we'll never know what
>happened." Jean said
AZMI: ... and felt secretly relieved. Now her dark
secret would never be revealed.
MARY: [smirking] The Phoenix Files -- The Retcon is
Out There.
AZMI: So instead of the metal tube thingy Sinister
gave Remy, Jean gets a frozen baby alien?
>"Not unless Sinister gets a
>conscience and decides tells us."
TAPSLAUGHT: WHICH IS ABOUT AS LIKELY AS CANCERMAN
GIVING UP SMOKING.
CALLIOPE: Or *certain* editors getting a clue.
>Scott said morosely.
AZMI: Here, Scott. Have some Prozac.
>"That's all
>for now. Dismissed."
MARY: [teacher] Don't forget to hand in your
assignment on unstable molecules tomorrow!
>Everyone got up and filtered out
>of the room.
AZMI: I never knew the X-Men can pass through a muslin
cloth...
>Everyone, that is,
>except Wolverine and Gambit.
MARY: [Logan] We'll just stay here an'... heh heh...
work out some issues.
>They
>stood in the door way, blocking
>Gryphon's path.
CALLIOPE: [Logan, menacing] The little boy's room's
over there, bub.
>"Nice story, bub."
AZMI: [Logan] I just love the part where the prince
and the princess live happily ever after.
>"Yeah, mon ami. Y' really 'spect
>us t' believe dat?"
MARY: [snarky] Well, they believed you and Bishop,
didn't they?
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon, snotty] Actually, I did. Assuming
you haven't smoked out your brain cells a long time
ago, of course.
>"You should. It's the truth.
AZMI: [smirks] Spider Jerusalem would love this guy.
CALLIOPE: If he didn't use the bowel disrupter on
Gryphon first, that is.
>Look,
>I know how much you must hate me.
>Believe me, I hate myself more.
MARY: [singing] It's not unusual to be hated by
everyone...
>If
>I ever get my hands on Sinister,
>he's a dead man.
AZMI: [Gryphon] And his little dog, too!
>Now if you'll
>excuse me...." He vanished.
MARY: Does anyone ever uses doors for anything other
than dramatic effect anymore?
>"Well how do ya like that?"
TAPSLAUGHT: WITH THE BLOOD OF THOUSANDS ON THE SIDE,
PLEASE.
>Gambit
>just shrugged.
CALLIOPE: [Remy] I jus' go with de flow, mon ami. De
story has to end *sometime*.
>Back in the Med-lab
AZMI: ... the laws which govern reality are twisted
into mockeries of themselves.
TAPSLAUGHT: WELCOME TO THE MARVEL UNIVERSE.
>Beast jumped as he heard a noise
>like the tearing of fabric behind
>him.
AZMI: [Hank] Oh my stars and garters, that's the third
pair of speedos this week! I seriously have to cut
down on the Twinkies...
>He was surprised to find
>Gryphon behind him.
MARY: [Hank] Aren't you supposed to be dead?
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] No, see... the exclusion clause in
the Mary Sue contract applies to me.
>' Teleporters.
>Gotta hate 'em.'
AZMI: [Beast, singing] I hate myself for loving you,
can't break free from the the things that you do...
>"Dr. McCoy, how is she." Gryphon's
>tone belied his hopelessness.
CALLIOPE: Are you asking Beast, or making a statement?
MARY: Yep, you can just FEEL the worry in his voice.
>"Actually, she seems to have
>stabilized.
AZMI: ... much like a mixture of matter and
antimatter.
>Her vitals are still
>weak, but they are no longer
>fluctuating.
MARY: [Beast] As a matter of fact, they are steadily
weakening.
>I still cannot say if
>she will regain consciousness, but
>I am confident that she will make
>it through the night.
TAPSLAUGHT: [Hank] MY CONDOLENCES.
>I could use
>your knowledge to
TAPSLAUGHT: ... CONQUER THE WORLD!
>help me find out
>just what Sinister did to her,
MARY: ... so we can replicate the process, only with
more pain.
AZMI: Cruel, Mary, cruel.
>as
>I have no tissue samples on record
>to make a comparison."
AZMI: She lived at the mansion for a while, didn't
she? Why don't you just get some hair from her
hairbrush?
MARY: He said "tissue", Azmi. I don't think hair
qualifies.
AZMI: Well, if it worked on Star Trek...
>Gryphon gave him a brief smile.
CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] You'll be the first against the
wall when the revolution comes.
>Doing lab work like this was what
>he was good at.
MARY: [Gryphon] I also know all the positions in the
Kama Sutra!
CALLIOPE: Mary Sue...
>He had, after all,
>had Sinister as a teacher.
AZMI: Oh, I can just *see* the testimonial: "Gryphon,
despite a tendency to angst in the odd hours of the
morning, is an excellent lab assistant and coffee-
maker. He is quick to learn and quick to duck. Gryphon
also gets along well with Minions[tm]. I would
recommend him to any Villainous Scientist[tm], save
those with pastel-haired female test subjects."
>And
>Claire was stable.
MARY: [Gryphon] Yay! Oh, wait... this is a bad thing.
>That meant
>there was a possibility, however
>slim,
CALLIOPE: That we might make it through this story
with our sanity intact.
>that she just might live.
ALL: [sobbing] Oh, the inhumanity!
>A
>small ray of hope
MARY: ... which soon transformed into Lady Death,
ready to kick some wussy butt!
>had broken
>through the darkness that entombed
>him.
AZMI: [darkness] Ow! Watch it, you jerk!
CALLIOPE: [Ray aka Phoenix II] I am NOT small!
>End Part Five
ROSAVENGER: [over the loudspeakers] And that's all,
you waste of fuel resources.
ALL: THANK THE SUPREME BEING!
AZMI: Y'know, this fic just gave me an idea...
MARY: [grinning] Do tell.
[Calliope and TAPSLAUGHT look at each other worriedly
as they file out of the theatre.]
SATELLITE #1013'S LOUNGE
To their unpleasant surprise, Dark Beast was waiting
for them, a smug smirk plastered on his furry face.
His eyes lit up like a twin suns as he regarded the
test subjects.
"Well, well..." he leered at them through the
viewscreen. "Ready to acknowledge the subjugation of
your wills?"
"In your dreams, mortal," Calliope spat.
"WHAT SHE SAID," TAPSLAUGHT rumbled.
Azmi merely raised her chin and looked defiant. Mary
Sue walked quietly to her side, taking a moment to
slip something behind her back. "It's not over," she
stated coolly.
He looked disappointed, but only for a second. "I was
certain... no. If that can't break your will, little
ones, maybe *this* will!" he laughed, reaching for a
diskette.
"Hold it!" Mary Sue said firmly.
"I suppose *you're* going to stop me, yadda yadda?"
the blue-furred mutant asked, boredom dripping from
his tone.
"There is one thing that will stop you, Dark Beast.
One ultimate weapon that even you can't override."
"And that would be?"
Mary whipped out a large square of cardboard. On it
were written the words: "Mary Sue, Azmifarayaro,
TAPSLAUGHT and Calliope materialized in the Dark
Beast's laboratory, where they proceeded to beat him
senseless. The end."
"Writer's power," she said with great satisfaction.
The Dark Beast's eyes barely had time to widen before
the four appeared around him, fists raised. An attempt
to flee was rapidly aborted by Azmi's well-aimed kick,
sending him crashing to the floor. His screams were
choked off by TAPSLAUGHT's hands around his throat,
throwing him onto the button.
FWOOSH!
As the screen darkened, the only sounds on the
satellite were Rosavenger's high-pitched laughter.
______________________________________
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 was created by Joel
Hodgson and is the property of Best Brains. No
copyright infringement is intended. I've also made
extensive use of copyrighted materials (which do not
belong to me) in this MSTing, all without permission.
I'm not doing it for money, guys, so please don't sue.
Any mention of certain writers is not meant as an
insult, and the aforesaid writers belong to
themselves. Rosavenger belongs to me. If you want to
borrow her for future MSTings, ask me and I'll
probably say yes. ;) The TAPSLAUGHT concept was
created by Abyss, and Azmifarayaro is the creation of
several writers. The Heroes' And Heroines' Rulebook
is managed by JB McDonald.
The Mystery Subreality Theatre 3000 concept belongs to
Seraph, and "Claire's Confusion" belongs to
Timesprite. No insult is intended towards the author
of the story, who in fact gave me permission to MST
her work. Thanks, hon. I would also like to thank
Lyssie and Rose for helping out -- I couldn't do it
without them. I'd like to apologize to Skyrocket,
because writing this story caused long delays in beta-
ing *his* stories.
WHEW! I can't believe I actually finished this. My
first MSTing, and I *had* to pick a four-chapter
story. ;) Maybe next time I'll try something shorter.
*Much* shorter. I hope you've enjoyed the MSTing, and
don't forget to send feedback at
.
______________________________________
>"Your Clare was never real! She was only
>a clone!
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