CATEGORY: Humour

ARCHIVING: M_A, WWOMB and my webpage have carte blanche. Others, please ask.

RATING: PG-13

WARNING: This story was written in a high-on-sugar and sleep-deprived nirvana. OOC-ness, tasteless jokes, silliness, and gratuitous fan service abound. Do not eat or drink while reading this fic. Some parts of this story may be offensive to more tender sensibilities.

DISCLAIMER: What's not mine belongs to George Lucas and a few other people. Please don't sue, guys. I'm only trying to have fun.

NOTES: Throwing out phrases like "virgin sacrifice at dawn" is a VERY dangerous thing to do when I'm trying to write something light-hearted. And since I consider myself an agnostic, I can't even pray for god to lead me away from temptation. ;)

DEDICATION: To Emu, for the inspiration (where's that J/P story, eh?).

Feedback is appreciated, even if it comes with a prescription. ;)

[SCENE 1: Think mutated Amazon jungle in very early morning. Night, really. Gnarled, gigantic trees seem to almost touch the sky, some eerily lit by phosphorescent lichen. A few vaguely bat-like animals are flying around, snapping at some glowing insects. In a happy "circle of life" sorta way. Without warning, a tentacle-like something snaps up to grab at one of the bats.]

BAT: Screeeech! [snapping sounds]

[A Mayan-like temple rises up from the mass of greenery, giving UFO-enthusiasts more evidence that some kind of galactic cultural cross-pollination must have occurred. It's easily higher than the Petronas Twin Towers, as some poor souls gasping on the stone stairs can testify to. The top of the temple is brightly lit by torches, and dancing FIGURES can be vaguely made out against the brightness. Even at a distance, their chanting is clear.]

FIGURES: ... eatatjoes... eatatjoes... eatatjoes... eatatjoes... eatatjoes...

[TRANSLATION: Woohoo! Virgin meat!]

[CUT TO NEXT SCENE]

[SCENE 2: The HIGH PRIESTESS is being carried up with great dignity up the stairs, accompanied by the beating of drums. She is dressed in robes the colour of rich wood, and sported a crest of feathers instead of hair. A close-up reveals that she has wide, pupilless green eyes. There is a dyed streak of silver in her feathers, obviously having some sort of symbolic meaning. Her small-boned features are attractive in an exotic, "in your dreams, hew-man" way. She wears a silver diadem, from which hangs a small dagger-shaped jewel. She is smiling -- the sort of smile which promises to demonstrate that not only roses are red. Her smile grows wider as her entourage comes ever closer to the top. She leans over her sedan chair, brandishing a tasseled whip. For convenience's sake, the rest of the dialogue will be dubbed in English. Not by the voice actors DIC hires, thank goodness.]

HIGH PRIESTESS: [cracking her whip] Hurry, you weaklings! I have a virgin sacrifice at dawn to attend to!

LONG-SUFFERING FOLLOWER: Yes, *huff* O *puff* Mistress. [undertone] So this is how hernia feels like...

[CUT TO NEXT SCENE]

[SCENE 3: Two dark FIGURES run lightly through the tropical forest, careful not to make too much noise. One of them, the one in the lead, is smaller and more slender than the other. It is too dark to make out their features, but as the second figure peers through the glowing branches of a giant tree, a glimpse of blue- green eyes are visible. They disappear among the gnarled trunks of the ancient trees, following a trail only they could see.]

[CUT TO NEXT SCENE]

[SCENE 4: Dante's Inferno meets the Amazons from Xena. Slender beings of the same species as the HIGH PRIESTESS, from all ages (from 18 and up, that is, due to union rules) and sexes dance in the flat, open air courtyard. Bonfires burn at all four corners, with various tubers and meats piled next to them. Waste not, want not. Torches are lit all over the place, illuminating the main centerpiece: a huge statue carved from solid rock. I'm not even going to attempt to describe it. Let's just say that if some artist decides to create an amalgam of the Jabba the Hutt, Priapus, and Sailormoon, you'll have a pretty good approximation. Except with far less charm. There is a raised slab of stone in front of the statue, flanked by two comparatively brawny beings -- GUARD 1 and GUARD 2.]

GUARD 1: Oh boy. Here comes the Head Bitch.

GUARD 2: Y'know, I'm not sure that the employment agency looked hard enough.

GUARD 1: [visibly exasperated] Look, do you want to be a redshirt in a Star Trek episode? Between Kirk's toupee and the Powers of Darkness, I'd take Lovecraftian monsters any time.

GUARD 2: Well, the food's good around here... but Star Trek has babes in fur bikinis.

GUARD 1: That is so sexist, it isn't even fun--

[They are interrupted by a black-haired BOY, who is wearing a spotted bandanna. He looks very confused, but is treating the weirdness around him with the blase attitude of a seasoned traveller. As he speaks, tiny fangs are just visible.]

BOY: [politely] Excuse me, but what is the name of this place?

GUARD 1: Uh, the Iinfreenjmen region, I believe, on the planet Kop-ee-rait.

BOY: [shakily] Planet?

GUARD 2: Where're you heading, kid?

BOY: Nerima, Japan. On planet Earth.

GUARD 1: [incredulous] How'd you get so far out here? [shakes head] Never mind. Look, there's a crossover vortex not far from here. [points towards the west] You can't miss it -- see that glow? Just follow the light and you'll be fine. Of course, there's that whole answer- gatekeeper's-riddle-or-die thing, but old Koss usually just lets 'em in nowadays.

BOY: [bowing gratefully] Domo arigato, kind guards. [starts walking to the east]

GUARD 2: Hey, kid! [points to the direction the BOY is walking] Over there, bandanna boy!

BOY: Oh! Gomen. [walks to the west]

GUARD 2: Kids nowadays...

[The HIGH PRIESTESS finally arrives, stepping daintily from the sedan. The drums fade into silence. Her very presence electrifies the air, and a hush spreads over the assembly as she walks towards the altar. A naked FIGURE is laid out on it, shackled with heavy iron chains. the HIGH PRIESTESS looks down on him with deep satisfaction. Her thoughts are obvious to a discerning watcher: the sacrifice is a most worthy one, a little old perhaps, but beautiful. The muscles on him are firm, his body built to perfection. Large hands, matched by the fascinatingly long fingers. His leonine features invite dismissals of machismo, but there is a serenity and wisdom in them that invites a watcher to delve deeper. Strength ripple in his legs, and nestling between them... ahem. She clears her throat, taking a torch from its holder.]

HIGH PRIESTESS: Today, at dawn, we will honour our god with this sacrifice. [dramatic pause] In Mrrkiting's name, I present to him a virginal yet virile Jedi... QUI-GON JINN!

[She thrusts the torch high into the air, and the people explode into cheers.]

[CUT TO NEXT SCENE]

[SCENE 5: The depths of a tropical forest again, but this time the temple is clearly visible. The two FIGURES seen earlier are cautiously making their way through the forest, trying to avoid guards the HIGH PRIESTESS might have planted along the trail. Not quite a successful attempt, as it turns out. A WARRIOR, clad in animal skins, jumps down from a tree. Screaming, he charges at them with an axe. Any surprise at finding himself being propelled through the air by an invisible force is hidden by his headgear, but there is no mistaking the loud thump. Undaunted, he rises to his feet, swinging the axe about.]

WARRIOR: [muttering to himself] Pension. Just remember the pension plan.

[He attacks wildly. A blue laser-like beam split the darkness, and the taller of the two FIGURES leaps to the defence. He feints, slicing through the axe's handle. Still, the berserk WARRIOR is in no mood to be stopped. But stopped he is, as the energy blade pierces through his lungs.]

WARRIOR: [groaning] I... knew... it... sounded... too... good... to... be... true... where's... my... insight... into... life... wait... this... isn't... anime... [dies]

SMALLER FIGURE: [O.S] Is he really dead?

[The light from the blade has revealed the identity of the FIGURES. One of them is recognizably OBI-WAN KENOBI, dressed in black commando-style clothing. Jedi precepts or not, light-coloured tunics would be a fashion disaster in this scenario. Besides, wouldn't you rather see OBI-WAN in black? I thought so. OBI-WAN's companion is a young woman in her early twenties, named MERRISO. Her feathers are short and somewhat ragged, and she is dressed in much-mended clothing. Despite her tattered appearance, she carries herself with dignity.]

OBI-WAN: [drily] Unless his respirotary system doesn't include his lungs, I would say yes.

MERRISO: [raising an eyebrow] Excuse me for asking. I hang around with dead people every day, after all.

OBI-WAN: [pointedly ignoring her sarcasm] Let's hope that none of his friends heard his scream.

[He gazes at the temple, determination evident in his face.]

OBI-WAN: [whispers] Wait for me, my love. I'm coming for you.

[CUT TO NEXT SCENE]

[SCENE 6: QUI-GON JINN is groggily shaking his head, blinking. He is only half-conscious, probably drugged.]

QUI-GON: [mumbling] Obi-Wan, are y' hogging th'blankets?

[He visibly struggles to reach for the Force, alarm crossing his face as it is obvious that his abilities have been dampened. Awake and sober now, he tries to look around him.]

QUI-GON: What happened to me? [frowning] Dinner at the village... the Queen sent me... I remember... the wine... I thought it was only polite... [eyes go wide] Oh, Sith.

[He catches sight the corpulent statue facing his side, noting the round appendages on top of its head and the garish jewels decorating it. What makes him wince, however, is the huge phallus rising proudly from its lap.]

QUI-GON: [quietly] I have a bad feeling about this.

[The HIGH PRIESTESS suddenly looms over him, looking quite pleased with herself. QUI-GON gazes up at her impassively -- only to find his eyes drawn to her diadem.]

QUI-GON: [mutters] Again with the phallic symbolism.

HIGH PRIESTESS: [suspiciously] What was that?

QUI-GON: [smoothly] Nothing of your concern.

HIGH PRIESTESS: [grinning maliciously] Defiant, are we now? Enjoy it while you can, Jinn. As soon as dawn comes, you won't even be able to work those cute lips. [twirls a lock of his hair around her finger] How the mighty have fallen. Then a Jedi, now a sacrificial virgin. [laughs maniacally]

[He glares at her. She looks at him regrefully, running a hand appreciatively on his pectoral muscles.]

HIGH PRIESTESS: The concubine you could've made... Ah well. Mrrkiting would love this gift -- you're practically my ticket to a luxurious afterlife, handsome. [turning her head to her left] Maid! Prepare the oil! [leaves]

QUI-GON: [softly] Obi-Wan...

[He lifts his head up a few centimetres, then brings it down with a loud thump.]

QUI-GON: I should have slept with him when I had the chance, the Council be damned. [thumps his head a few more times] Stupid, stupid, stupid.

[CUT TO NEXT SCENE]

[SCENE 7: OBI-WAN and MERRISO are standing at the foot of the temple, the former looking somewhat dismayed.]

OBI-WAN: Great.

MERRISO: [cheerfully] It's not that bad. [glaring at OBI-WAN's disbelieving look] Really. They even have healers every hundred steps.

OBI-WAN: Why doesn't that reassure me? [they start climbing the stairs] Merriso, there's something I've been meaning to ask you... Why did they choose my Master?

MERRISO: [impatiently] Because they need a Force-sensitive virgin, duh.

OBI-WAN: [grounding to a halt] A what?!

MERRISO: [as if talking to a simpleton] Your Master is a virgin. Now, are we going to save him or not?

[OBI-WAN, looking pole-axed, sits down on the stairs. A play of emotions -- disbelief, shock, wonder, etc. -- shifts in his face, dissolving into outright laughter.]

OBI-WAN: [wheezing, between fits of laughter] And I was afraid I'd be too inexprienced for him! Oh, Force... I should have seduced him a long time ago! [laughs like hell, nearly rolling down the temple]

MERRISO: [rolling her eyes] Jedi.

[CUT TO NEXT SCENE]

[SCENE 8: Typical B-movie virgin sacrifice scene, with the addition of a naked Jedi Master. It is now dawn. The HIGH PRIESTESS has shed her robes, donning a heavily-bejewelled leather bikini, over which she wears a see-through tabard. A tall headdress made from bones completes her ensemble, along with the jingly bracelets that cover her forearms. In other words, she could've done with a good copy of the section concerning tips for evil cultists in "The Evil Henchmen's Guide".]

HIGH PRIESTESS: [chanting, holding a dagger over QUI-GON's heart] Ilovechocolate... ilovechocolate... ilovechocolate...

[TRANSLATION: (directed to Mrrkiting) I really don't mind if you want me to ravish him first.]

QUI-GON: [steely] This is ridiculous.

[QUI-GON pulls at his chains, his oiled body gleaming in the firelight. Taut muscles strain as he writhes against his bonds, power in every movement... What? What are you looking at me for? Oh, right, the story. Unfortunately, for all his efforts, QUI-GON might just as well be trying to break his chains with eggshells.]

HIGH PRIESTESS: Damn. I don't get to have you, after all. [shrugging] Might just as well sacrifice you now. [lifts the knife high] In Mrrkiting's name--

OBI-WAN: [O.S] STOP!

[The cavalry has arrived. Okay, so it consists of a Padawan and a raggedly-dressed woman, but QUI-GON's chances of surviving just shot up from nil to almost nil. Executing a Jedi-enhanced leap, OBI-WAN lands on the altar, shoving at the HIGH PRIESTESS with the Force. He jumps down to the floor beside his bound Master, lightsaber promising death by blue fire to any who stands in his path.]

OBI-WAN: [coldly] Let. Him. Go.

QUI-GON: Obi-Wan?!

[GUARD 1 and GUARD 2 stand back, intimidated by the "take no prisoners" battle aura practically burning around OBI-WAN's body.]

GUARD 2: [muttering] I knew we should've taken the Star Trek gig.

GUARD 1: Oh, shut up. [clocks GUARD 2 with a spear]

[The HIGH PRIESTESS, however, is not easily impressed. Her headdress is missing and her clothes look somewhat worse for wear, but she still possesses a commanding aura. Her lips curl disdainfully as she looks him over.]

HIGH PRIESTESS: Do you really think you alone can stand against our combined might? [indicates the rapidly pissed crowd] You must be mad.

QUI-GON: ["obey me now"] Go, Obi-Wan. Save yourself.

OBI-WAN: ["bollocks to that"] I won't leave you, Master. [he reaches out to grip QUI-GON's hand] We either leave this place together, or we won't leave at all.

QUI-GON: [softly] Foolish Padawan.

OBI-WAN: Loving Padawan. [gently strokes QUI-GON's cheek]

CROWD: Awww...

HIGH PRIESTESS: Hey! HEY! You, Jedi! You're supposed to pay attention to me here!

QUI-GON & OBI-WAN: [still gazing into each other's eyes] Get stuffed, you anthropology reject.

HIGH PRIESTESS: [tightly] Fine. [raises her hands] To me, my people! Att--

MERRISO: [O.S] I command you to stop.

HIGH PRIESTESS: [arrogantly] And you arrrrre?

[MERRISO steps before the altar, raking her eyes scornfully over the HIGH PRIESTESS and the statue. She pulls out a signet ring emblazoned with the image of a three-headed dragon, displaying it to the suddenly fearful crowd.]

MERRISO: A servant of the Queen, lady. [she grins] Unlike you, I have had actual training in theology. [to the crowd] You poor ignorant people...

HIGH PRIESTESS: [narrowing her eyes] What do you mean by that?

MERRISO: What I mean is that you've been duping these people. [pointing to the statue] Don't any of you remember the Elder Gods? [silence] Anyone? [more silence] So tell me, lady, how much money did you take from them?

HIGH PRIESTESS: If you're trying to spread lies--

MERRISO: Quiet, you. [addressing the crowd] This is no statue of Mrrkiting. In fact there never was a Mrrkiting. The lady here just renamed an ancient god to suit her purposes. The carved stone you've been worshipping is Veeahgrah. [triumphant smirk]

[The assembled people gasp, horrified.]

YOUNG MAN 1: No... that's not true... that's impossible!

MAN 1: JEAN!

GIRL: [shrieks] Yagete! Yagete, KUDASAAAAAIIII!!!

OLD MAN: It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!

WOMAN: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

[Thunder and lightning crash through the previously clear sky. There is a moment of awkward silence, broken by MERRISO as she coughs into her fist.]

MERRISO: Ahem. I dare say that most people remember Veeahgrah, how he was so lustful he grew a permanent erection and was banished from his pantheon. But I don't think that anyone outside the clergy knows how he looks like anymore. However, he can always be identified by two features: the balls on his head, and this. [points at the phallus]

GUARD 2: Cool. And here I was thinking that was a footrest.

GUARD 1: [covers face with a hand] I truly weep for the state of evil henchmen today.

YOUNG MAN 2: We've been... we've been praying to... to... [looks as if he was about to throw up]

MERRISO: Indeed. [glaring at them] Now go home.

[It is a pitiful end for a gathering that began with such pomp and fire. The crowd trickle away, most sparing an "I can't believe how stupid I was" look over their shoulders at the shell-shocked, silent HIGH PRIESTESS as they leave. The lights are quickly doused, replaced by the sun's illumination. The sky is tinted orange and pink, promising a beautiful day.]

OLD WOMAN: [offering a roasted potato to YOUNG MAN 2] Have one, childie. At least it wasn't a complete waste.

YOUNG MAN 2: Food... urgh... [throws up]

OLD WOMAN: You could've just said "no".

[As the temple is emptied of people, MERRISO whips out a pair of handcuffs from a mysterious hiding place and stalks towards the HIGH PRIESTESS.]

MERRISO: By the powers vested on me by Queen J'asteene, I hereby arrest you for--

[The HIGH PRIESTESS backs swiftly towards the statue, breaking off the phallus with a well- aimed kick. She swings it menacingly like a club at MERRISO.]

HIGH PRIESTESS: Stand back! I've got a weapon and I'm not afraid to use it!

MERRISO: [gazing skyward] What did I do to deserve this, huh? [sternly] Lady, I'll say this only once. Put down Veeahgrah's penis.

[The sky is brightening, the orange and pink giving way to light blue. It would deepen into a soft lavender later in the day. A flock of avians swoop through the air, trilling songs. One of them lands on the head of the castrated statue, watching the two Jedi with bright red eyes.]

QUI-GON: Obi-Wan, aren't you going to untie me?

OBI-WAN: [smiling mischeviously] But Master, you look so... tasty laid out like this.

QUI-GON: When I lose my virginity, Obi-Wan, it won't be while I'm shackled on top of a temple in the middle of a jungle. [pauses as crashes are heard] And it certainly won't be in the vicinity of a madwoman waving around that.

OBI-WAN: I doubt she'll notice.

QUI-GON: [warning tone] Padawan.

OBI-WAN: [leans over QUI-GON and kisses him] Make me.

[FADE TO BLACK]

THE END