(Don't let these scare you about air travel any more than any other tidbits you hear in the news.)
The engineer is the first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them,
declaring, "A circle will use the least fence radius for the given
area, so this is the best solution."
The physicist is next. She creats a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then
draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest
circular fence around the herd."
The Mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he
puts a small fence around himself, and then declares, "I define myself to
be on the outside!"
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Acutally it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline
through a recreational area?"
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in
hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer
is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So,
how's it it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going
great. We have got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and
there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? you've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he
should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are
you going to get a lawyer?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week
ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record,
and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really
quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back,
affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you
suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him
back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Tommy said, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind." replied Tommy.!
At the end of his first day at work he
rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one
day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten
years!"
His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of
that case for ten years!"
"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity,
and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are
you to question that woman's punishment?"
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official
court records...
1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes
quietly away and doesn't know anything about it
until the next morning?
3) Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because
you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?
4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6) Were you alone or by yourself.
7) How long have you been a French Canadian?
8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize
that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10) Were you present in court this morning when you were
sworn in?
11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage
terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was
August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally
stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14) So you were gone until you returned?
15) Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what
it looked like, but can you describe it?
17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of
unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself
and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next
question."
20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you
examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose
Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about
8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that
correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the
table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming
he averages about 30 minutes per game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100
a day (working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550
while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a
whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax
deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such
accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be
living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the
Olympics.He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past
presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it? BUT:
JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET
WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.