Philosophies and Proverbs
2. Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
3. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
4. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
6. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
7. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
8. Always remember, you're unique, just like everyone else.
9. "More hay, Trigger? "No thanks Roy, I'm stuffed."
10. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
12. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
13. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
14. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
15. What is a "free gift"...? Aren't all gifts free?
16. "Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes!"
17. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
20. Better to understand a little, than to misunderstand alot.
22. When there's a will, I want to be in it.
23. Okay, who put the "stop payment" on my reality check.
24. Few women admit their age. Few men act it.
25. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART.
26. All generalizations are false.
27. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
28. C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
29. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
30. A bad day at Disneyland is still better than a good day at work.
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with..
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paul's Drinking Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
1. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
2. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
3. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5. He who hesitates is probably right.
6. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
7. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
8. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
9. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
10. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
11. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
12. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
13. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
14. Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
15. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
CORROLARY: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!
16. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
17. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
18. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.