Down Right Stupid
#1: #1 to #2 -- please divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a wreck with us
#2: we suggest that you divert your course by 15 degrees north to avoid a wreck with us
#1: I'm afraid you do not understand divert your course now!!!!!!
#2: No, i'm afraid you do not understand -- you divert your course!!!!
#1: this is the captain of a U.S. naval ship divert your course or you will wreck
#2: this is a lighthouse -- it's your call!!!!
Read, and shake your head in disbelief.
It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's
winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine, which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda
out of it.
And this year's nominee is:
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal
embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex
of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash,
but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened.
It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet
Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to
give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off
from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the
desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached
the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off
the JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of
the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately
3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent
scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust
within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess
of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25
seconds.
The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced
G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full
afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the
remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the
straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the
driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires
and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming
airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at
a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the
rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small
fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and
fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris
believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Epilog:
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A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
A couple of sandwhiches short of a picnic
The lights are on, but nobody is home
There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are
held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most
commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental Towers" (supposedly
prettier than wood towers).
Sometimes adventurous folks climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and
the night air. Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored,
come back down.
Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girlfriend
needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower. He
stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower south of
Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it. Public Service employees later
pieced the story together.
The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled
his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do
after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his
business right there off the tower.
Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to
get shocked. Depending on conditions,115,000 volt lines, like those
supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet.
When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced to his
"stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up to
his private parts, and blew him off the tower.
The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and
sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of
the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his
private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top of the tower.