Be prepared to be amazed... Be prepared to enter SPORTS & LAUGHS in McCarthy's World...

Dirty Jokes Part I

A girl was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was amongst the group. The police had all the prostitutes line up in a straight line. Along comes the grandma and sees her grand daughter. Grandma asks grand daughter, "What are you lining up for." Granddaughter, not willing to let grandma know the truth told her grandma that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to the grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?" Grandma (thinking he's asking her about how she can eat oranges) replies, "Oh, it's easy, i just take off my dentures and suck them dry.

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers. " Hi is Tony home?" " No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" " No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over. " Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Three southern belles are sitting on the verandah and discover that they are all married to men named Marvin. They decide to nickname their Marvins after soda pop so that they can tell them apart. The first southern belle says "I'm going to name my Marvin Mountain Dew, because he comes from the mountains and he likes to do, do, do it all the time." The second southern belle says, "I'm going to name my Marvin 7 UP, because it's seven inches long, and it's always up!". The third southern belle announces that she's going to name her Marvin Jack Daniels. "You can't name your Marvin Jack Daniels! That's not a soda pop, that's a hard liquor!". That's My Marvin!

A man and wife were playing in their club's annual "Guys and Dolls" golf tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted. On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the mens. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly. At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband.
"Mr. Smith, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain, which was the the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us."
"What is it?" asked Mr. Smith. "Well," said the doctor, "we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity." The husband said "Oh, that was just my Mulligan!"

A white missionary went deep into black Africa as the first white man that ever visited there. About a year passed when suddenly the clan-chief's wife gave birth to a halfbreed. The Chief ran to the missionary's hut waving a knife and the missionary spoke in terror, "Oh chief, nothing happened. It's like with the sheep, you know. Sometimes they give birth to black sheep for no reason at all." The chief thought for a while, and then said to the white man, "I agree, I won't talk about the pale child, and you don't talk about the sheep..."

One day Mickey Mouse decides to divorce his wife Minnie, so he calls up his lawyer to explain the details of the situation to him. After listening to him the lawyer said, "I'm sorry Mickey, but you can't divorce your wife Minnie just because you think she's a bit strange." Mickey replies, "No, you misunderstood me, I didn't say she was strange, I said she was F*cking Goofy!"

Toothbrush Salesman keeps selling everything his Boss gives him, and his boss keeps expecting him to fail. Finally he gives him a truckload full. Guy sells them all in record time. Boss wants to know how. Well I go to the airport set up a table and say, "want a chacolate?" They take a bite and say, God it tastes like sh*t!" "You're right, want to buy a toothbrush?"

This guy walked into a tatoo parlor and asked to have a $100 bill tatooed on his dick. The artist asked, "Why would you want something like that?" "Well," said the guy, "I like to play with my money and watch it grow. But mostly, the next time my wife wants to blow a $100, she can do it at home!

A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got aterrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping for an hour, awakened feeling much better so she decided to go to the party. Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she got to the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Don and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in. "Get a load of her" says the mouse, "I fancy that!" "Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion. So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night. The next day, the lion is in the bar and the mouse staggers in. The mouse is absolutely stuffed, worn out, ruined. The lion helps his pal up on to a stool, pours a drink down his throat and says "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?" The mouse says "Yeah, she was really something else, she invited me back to her place to spend the night. "But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion. "Well" says the mouse "between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!"

THE LAST THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY

The Bobbitt Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my peter I will keep,
And if I wake and it is gone,
I hope to find it on the lawn.

I hope the dog that's running free,
Doesn't see that little part of me,
Many precautions I must take,
To keep this part I love to shake.

Much attention I must pay,
To assure I put the knives away,
The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too,
Why there's no telling what she'd do.

To rid me of my manly charm,
I must keep it safe, away from harm,
So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes,
and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!

A man walks into a bar one afternoon and says to the manager, "I see your sign 'Piano player needed, well I'm your man, I write all my own material." "You see the piano." said the manager, "Play me a tune." The piano player rocked out with a boogie-woogie that had the manager stomping his feet. "That was great," he said, "What do you call it?" "I call it 'Let me F*ck you in the Ass Until your Hemorrhoids Bleed!'" said the pianist. "Well," said the manager, "uh....that certainly is an unusual name for a song. Let's hear another one." The piano player played a haunting melody that brought tears to the manager's eyes it was so beautiful. "What do you call that tune?" said the manager. "I call it 'Open your Mouth Wide and Swallow it ALL When I Come.'" said the pianist. The manager replied, "Your playing is great, and I'd like to hire you, but would you be terribly offended if I asked you not to announce the titles to your compositions?" "Not at all," replied the pianist, "You pay, I'll play." That evening, the crowd went wild when the piano player did his first set. When they finally let him take a break, he rushed to the john for a long overdue piss. On the way out, one of the patrons button-holed him and said, "Wow! you play great!! But tell me, do you know your fly's open and your dick is hanging out?" "Know it? HELL...I wrote it!"

THE WORLD'S BEST PICKUP LINES

BACK / MORE