THE LOVE BOAT

A depressed young woman was so desperate, that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. >From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

LIFE LESSONS FROM MELROSE PLACE

1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait around forever. 2. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You should do both, often. 3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka. 4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard. 5. Pretend you're pregnant. 6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun! 7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't convenient, fake your own death. 8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness. 9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding! Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship. 10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door tightly on your way out. 11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking...or have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers. 12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try to choke you. 13. If you get fired, get drunk. 14. Call your ex-wife "Baby." 15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt and do it by the pool. 16. Randomly insult the people around you. 17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and heavily sedated. 18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even better job at twice the salary. 19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of times. 20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't mean that you can't carpool to work with them.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD BEST ONE LINERS

* A girl phoned me the other day and said .... * Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. * If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all. * And we were poor too. * Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have had nothing to play with. * During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. * One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said.... Because you came home early. * Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.........I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. * When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. * I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ....but he pulled through. My mother had morning sickness after I was born. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide. * On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy. * My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. * I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. * I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect. * My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too! * When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins! * I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

DEAR MOM & DAD,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay???

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no schwartze in my life..... However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science.... and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective

Your loving daughter