Don't you tell me to deny it 
I've done wrong and I want to suffer for my sins 
I've come to you 'cause I need guidance to be true 
And I just don't know where I can begin 


What I need is a good defense, 'cause I'm feelin' like a criminal 
And I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against 
Because she's all I ever knew of love 
          --Fiona Apple



CHAPTER 13:  SUFFER


        The TARDIS doors slammed behind them and the Doctor slid to the
floor, clutching Ace to his chest as if he could shield her from this
catastrophe by the mere force of his presence.  She was bent nearly double,
spasms and cramps wracking her body.  One hand clutched convulsively at the
Doctor's jacket.
        "Get us out of here!" he shouted at Romana, who was already at the
controls.  "The Domain, hurry!  They'll be able to stop this."  He smoothed
Ace's hair and bowed his face next to hers.  "It's going to be all right,"
he murmured.  Her head shook from side to side.
        "No, no, no," she was repeating over and over under her breath.
        The Doctor looked up at Romana.  They weren't moving yet.  "Hurry,
Romana!  Seconds count!"
        She threw her hands up in frustration.  "The controls won't set to
those coordinates!"
        "What?!?"
        "You heard me!  Our Domain access is being blocked," she said,
giving him a significant glance.  She returned to the controls.  "We'll go
to the Soul Gardens, they have an excellent medical facility."  In a second
they were off.
        The Doctor drew Ace closer and cast a furious glance towards the
ceiling and the woman he knew was watching them.  After the quick journey,
the TARDIS began to materialize.  He stood with Ace in his arms and pushed
through the doors the second it was possible to do so.  Precise as ever,
Romana had materialized them in the emergency room of the Garden's medical
facility. The attendants were already waiting, having seen the vehicle
materialize.  The Doctor laid Ace on a nearby gurney, keeping hold of her
hand although she scarcely seemed aware of him or anything else.  Her eyes
were tightly screwed shut and her legs pulled up to her chest as if she
felt she could keep her child inside her if she tried hard enough.  The
doctors, seeing her condition, lost no time and began rolling the gurney
away.  The Doctor hurried alongside with Romana close behind him.
        "What happened?" one of the doctors asked.
        "She's..."  the Doctor swallowed hard.  "She's having a
miscarriage.  Please...can you..."
        "We'll do everything we can," a nurse said shortly.  "Stay here,
we'll take care of her."  The Doctor was shoved away from the gurney as it
was surrounded by medical personnel and whisked away to places unknown.  He
stood in the corridor and watched it go, feeling so lost he scarcely
remembered to breathe.  Romana eyed him carefully from a discreet distance.
He slowly raised both hands to his face and turned around, his whole
posture sagging defeatedly.  He shuffled towards her, not looking at
anything or anyone.  She took his arm and led him to the waiting area,
pushing him into the nearest chair.  After a few moments he dropped his
hands from his face and looked at her.
        "My gods, Romana," was all he said.  She nodded miserably.  He
leaned his head back against the wall and let a long, shuddering half-sob,
half-sigh.  "You knew, did you?"
        "Yes," she said hoarsely.
        "How long has she known?"
        "Right after you left her at the Domain, the doctor came and told
her not five minutes later."
        He looked at her incredulously and then shut his eyes, rising from
his chair with one hand over his mouth.  "I knew that what I did was
abominable...but it seems the enormity of my misdeed is even greater than I
had supposed."  He looked off into the distance.  "For her to have been
alone for that news, which should have been joyous for us...always her
strength astounds me."  He staggered back to the chair and fell into it,
his whole face crumbling.  "My child..." he whispered, tears beginning to
run down his cheeks.
        "Your daughter," Romana said softly.  The Doctor jumped as if
stung.  The very word seemed to physically injure him.
        He sat silently for some moments.  "What have I done?" he finally
mused, almost inaudible.  Romana's temper flared.
        "No you don't," she said sharply.  He looked up at her, surprised.
"Whatever else you've done, *this* was not your fault, and you're not going
to use it as an excuse to wallow deeper into self-pity!"  He looked so
dejected that she regretted the outburst, and laid a hand on his arm. "What
I mean is that you can't be thinking of yourself right now."
        "I'm not," he replied.  "Never have I been further from my mind." A
few beats of silence passed.  "I had a taste just a few hours ago of what
it would feel like to lose her forever...but to lose someone I never knew,
someone I never knew existed, yet someone whom I could have, would have,
loved..."  He shook his head.  "I...I can't get my mind around it, it's too
horrible."
          Romana nodded.  "I can't imagine what Ace will go through."
          The Doctor turned to face her.  "Was she happy about it?  Tell me
what she told you."
          Romana examined his face for a moment, but he seemed to be
motivated by no more than a genuine desire to share in some of the
anticipation that Ace had experienced but that he had been denied.  "She
was happy, and anxious to meet her daughter.  She had decided to name her
Kathleen..."
          The Doctor bowed his head.  "Her grandmother's name."
          "Yes."  Romana thought for a moment, then plunged ahead.  "I have
a question for you."
          He sighed.  "Yes?"
          "Had the two of you discussed this, or would it have been a surprise?"
          "She didn't tell you?"
          "No, she never wanted to talk about you."
          He closed his eyes.  "I don't blame her.  Yes, we had talked
about it...in fact, that was probably the last real conversation we had. 
It was just before you called to me to notify us about the Fenric
situation.  We were worried that it might not be biologically
possible...but we both felt we'd like to try."  He bit his lip.  "She must
have been pregnant even then, but did not know about it."
          Silence fell again.  He rose and stood some distance away looking
out the window, which faced onto the scenic main floor of the Gardens. 
Romana recognized his expression...it had been a different face that she'd
first seen it on but it was unmistakable.  It was his I'm-a-Time-Lord face,
the one he put on when he feared losing control of himself and his
situation.  For herself, Romana was worried sick.  She was past hoping for
the safety of the child...it seemed clear that miscarriage had taken place. 
Now she was concerned for Ace.  For her physical well-being as well as her
mental.  "She'll be all right," she finally said.
          "Yes, she will," he answered.  The certainty in his voice
surprised her.
          "How can you know that?"
          He glanced at her.  "Because that's the only way I can conceive
of it.  If I start thinking about worst case scenarios..."  He shook his
head.  "I just can't."
          How convenient for you, she thought bitterly, then reconsidered. 
Give him a break, she told herself.  You can't imagine what he's going
through right now.
          The clock on the wall ticked interminably as they waited for any
word from the doctors.  He did not move from his post at the window. 
Romana sat thinking of the difficult times to come, but grateful in a way
that they were here among friends and with such an idyllic setting for a
recovery...hopefully a recovery for their marriage as well as Ace's body
and mind.
          Finally one of the doctors who had been attending Ace came
through the double doors and approached them.  "Doctor?  Romana?"
          "Yes?" she said, rising quickly.  He turned from the window with
an almost fearful expression on his face, stepping towards the doctor.
          "I'm Otter, I've been caring for Ace."
          "What news?" the Doctor asked.
          Otter's face was solemn but not grave.  "Your wife had a
miscarriage, Doctor.  The child has been lost."
          The Doctor sagged a bit, but that had been nearly expected.  Her
state had been so grave when they brought her in that neither of them had
really expected the doctor to say anything else.  "How is she?"
          "She's all right," Otter said.  "She's under anesthesia right
now, we have to...tend to her.  She should recovery fully, and physically
she will be undamaged and able to have more children."  The Doctor let out
a shaky sigh and fell into the chair behind him, a look of inexpressible
relief mixing with the sorrow on his face.  He looked up at the doctor.
          "When can I see her?"
          Otter smiled.  "We'll be taking her to recovery soon.  I'll let
you know when you can see her."  He laid a hand on the Doctor's shoulder,
smiled, and then returned to his duties.
          Romana sat back down beside the Doctor.  He was sitting silently,
head bowed, hands folded.  He almost seemed afraid to move.  In an
uncharacteristic moment of warmth, she reached out and took his hand and
immediately he grasped it in return.  "I'm very sorry, Doctor...for both of
you," she said.
          He shook his head slowly.  "I never knew I was to have a child
until she was being taken away.  I can hardly think about that...I have to
think of Ace now."
          She smiled sadly, then her face hardened as she remembered how
they'd ended up here.  "Do you think if we had made it to the
Domain...things would be different?"
          "We'll never know now," he said.
          She stood, anger welling inside her.  "Why were we stopped from
going there?  They could have saved her!"
          The Doctor sniffed sardonically.  "You just answered your own
question, Romana."


          Theo turned away from the Glass, pressing one hand to her mouth. 
Angel watched her, his face angry.  "Why?" he demanded.  "How could you do
that to them?"
          "Do what?" she cried, her voice hoarse.  "I had no choice, Angel!"
          "They tried to come here for help, which we could have given!"
          "Could have, but must not!" she exclaimed.  She carefully sat
down behind her desk, her eyes misting over.  Angel advanced to stand
before the desk, leaning over to berate her.
          "We could have saved that child."
          "I know that.  Don't you think I know that?  Why am I explaining
this to you, you know it only too well!  That's not our business!"
          He stared at her.  "Are you human?  Don't you have any feelings?"
          She jumped up, her eyes blazing.  "Don't ever say that to me
again," she said, low and angry.  Angel drew back, aware that he'd pushed
her too far.  "This tears me up, Angel.  You think I wouldn't have wanted
to do everything in my power to help them?  You think I wouldn't have
wanted to save their child?  It's because I am human that I have to make
these rules for myself!  Barring Legion activity, I cannot interfere in the
natural course of human events, and I will not do so.  If they came here, I
would not have been able to resist helping them beyond the normal capacity
of medical science, and because of that I could not allow them to come
here.  She will receive more than adequate medical care at the Gardens and
I am more than happy to offer my support as a friend.  As the Guardian I
can do nothing."  She sat down again, appearing tired by this explanation.
          Angel sighed.  "She will hate you, you know.  She won't ever
forgive you."
          Theo nodded.  "I know.  Perhaps..."  she paused.  "Perhaps that
will help her to hate *him* less."


          The first thing she was aware of was coldness...a blowing
coldness on her face and something over her mouth and nose.  It was
unpleasant, and she raised her hands groggily to swat it away, but it
wouldn't go.  It was attached to her somehow...her eyes opened further and
she realized it was an oxygen mask.  What the hell...she managed to pull it
off.  She was lying in a hospital room, a nurse standing over her.  With a
shaky breath she remembered why she was here.  She cast an apprehensive
thought over her body...she felt all right, but empty.  An emptiness
pervaded her that seemed to run through her body and into her very bones. 
She looked up at the nurse's sympathetic face and did not need to be told
what had happened.  The pain, the cramps, the blood...the last thing she
remembered was his arms beneath her as he carried her into the TARDIS.  She
didn't feel quite sad.  Her mind was too muzzy to feel grief, but she could
sense tomorrow's grief and that was enough to overwhelm her.  She faded
again into unconsciousness.
          When she awoke again she felt more in her body, more present in
the room than she had before.  The nurse was gone.  She cast her eyes about
the room...a homey room as hospitals go.  The light from the window was
strange, unnatural.  Must be in the Gardens, some part of her mind decided. 
Her legs, lying motionless in the bed, covered by a sheet.  Then her eyes
fell upon him.  He was sitting by the side of the bed watching her.  When
their eyes met he gave a tentative smile, but she could see behind the
smile a thousand other emotions fighting for expression.  His facades did
not work on her, and he should have known better.
          His smile faltered and he looked down at his hands, then back up
at her.  He slid forward in the chair and picked up her limp hand to run
his fingers over hers, the muscles in his jaw clenching.  He cautiously met
her gaze again.  Possible responses ran through her mind, none of them
seemed satisfactory.  Her sorrow was too fresh to contemplate, too large to
confront...but it was mirrored in his face and that comforted her.  A
slight smile creased her lips, but it was more than he had been expecting
or felt he deserved.  He tried to return it and for a moment succeeded, but
his lower lip began to tremble.  Ace couldn't take her eyes off him...never
had she seen him so unguarded, never.  His face crumbled and he bowed his
forehead to the hand which he still clutched, his tears wetting her skin. 
His shoulders shook and he slid his other hand along her arm as if
reassuring himself that she was real and alive.  Ace stared at the top of
his head which was all she could see of him, and she felt a strange calm
settle over her.  She did not relish the knowledge of the sorrow which
would come to her later, but at this moment he was feeling it for her, for
both of them.  Ace shut her eyes, one single tear escaping to run down
towards her ear.  Their child was gone, a child he had never known and yet
mourned, and its ending now united them as intimately as had its beginning.
          She opened her eyes and looked down at him, his face still bowed
down on the sheet.  She turned her hand in his grasp and twined her fingers
through his, turning her face towards the window and the ersatz sunlight
streaming through it.  She brought her other hand to her mouth and pressed
it, fisted, to her lips.  She shut her eyes again and waited for it to be
over.


          First thought:  I'm dead, and this is hell.  Second thought: 
This is too brightly lit to be hell, where am I?  Third thought:  I'm
having delusions, I'm completely insane.  Fourth and final thought:  I'm
alive and okay.  "I'm alive," he croaked, voicing the final thought.
          A doctor he didn't know smiled down at him.  "Yes you are.  Byron
got you in stasis quickly and we were able to neutralize the toxin."
          Garner cleared his throat, which felt full of flannel.  "Where's
Byron?"
          Felix stepped up.  "He's at HQ trying to sort everyone out.  It's
still pretty confused."
          Garner's brow furrowed.  "What's happened?"
          Felix glanced at the doctor.  "You'd better bring him up to date."
          The doctor opened a small notepad and began reading from it what
Byron had told him.  "The Master tried to kill you, he almost killed Ace,
the Doctor almost killed the Master, Ace got rescued, the Master got
arrested, the biomatrix was destroyed, Theo and Seth had a big fight, Seth
turned good but just for a second, the Master got kidnapped by Daleks, the
lab got trashed and Ace had a miscarriage."
          Garner blinked and turned towards Felix.  "How long have I been
out?" he asked incredulously.
          "It's been a hectic few hours," Felix replied.
          Garner pulled himself into a sitting position, testing his
muscles.  Everything seemed in adequate working order.  "I've got a lot to
do," he muttered.  Felix pushed him back down.
          "You're not going anywhere," he said in a commanding voice. 
"Byron can handle things for the time being, God knows the two of you went
over this scenario enough times.  You need to rest for a bit before you
tackle the entire colonial reorganization."
          "But...I feel fine," Garner stammered, looking to the doctor for
support and finding none.
          "You're staying here until I can run a few more tests."
          Garner scrubbed a hand over his face.  Suddenly his brow furrowed
and he looked back up Felix.  "What was that about Ace?"
          Felix and the doctor exchanged a look.  "She had a miscarriage. 
They've got her upstairs."
          "Oh no," Garner breathed.  "I didn't know she was expecting."
          "No one did, except Romana," Felix said.  The meaning was not
lost on Garner.
          "Hopefully they'll stay with us until she's recovered...and
whatever else may happen."  He smiled.  "After all...this place has saved a
few souls in its time."


          Ace sat propped up in the bed, her knees drawn to her chest.  Her
abdomen was terrifically sore, but she was trying hard not to think about
it.  The Doctor stood by the window, his hands clasped behind his back, his
chin bowed to his chest in a posture of deep contemplation.  Several times
he had tried to speak to her but each time she had cut him off curtly.  The
silence felt very heavy.  Ace wondered what they were waiting for.  She'd
already been examined by the doctors twice and been pronounced to be
physically undamaged.  The prognosis was excellent for a full recovery. 
She wanted more than anything to get out of this hospital but they refused
to let her go yet.
          She was trying to work up the energy to get up and dress when the
door began to open.  Romana was there, looking calm and authoritative, her
head high and her back straight.  Her face was turned away and she appeared
to be finishing a conversation with someone in the hallway.  Ace
immediately felt some of the stress ease up with her arrival, for even
though at this moment she didn't feel enough like herself to get out of bed
on her own power and the Doctor was in a state, she knew that Romana would
take care of them.  She would make sure everything was in order...and the
sight of her looking so much like herself did Ace's spirits good.
          Romana came into the room, smiling a sad smile that did not reach
her eyes.  She sat on the edge of the bed and embraced her friend tightly,
a rattling sigh escaping her lips.  Ace hugged her back, the lump rising in
her throat again.  "Oh Ace, I'm so sorry," Romana whispered, stroking Ace's
hair.  She drew back and peered closely into her friend's face.  "Are you
all right?" she asked.
          Ace nodded, one tear slipping free.  "I will be," she said, her
head lowered.  She just held Romana's hands for a moment, then slowly
raised her eyes.  "I lost her," Ace continued in a small voice that sounded
so unlike her it made Romana's skin throb.
          She smoothed Ace's hair away from her face.  "I know," she said,
her voice cracking.  "I know."  She watched as Ace struggled to keep her
composure.  "It's all right, Ace.  It's all right to show it.  Go
ahead...it doesn't mean you're weak."
          Ace's heart hurt at being so well understood.  She fell against
Romana's chest and broke into sobs, her grief assuming control as it spent
itself.  Romana held her tightly, meeting the Doctor's gaze over her head. 
She'd never before seen such a look of sorrow and pain upon his face.  He
started towards the bed then paused and retreated in such rapid succession
it was almost more like a brief flinch.  He shut his eyes, thrust his hands
into his pockets and quickly walked out the door, almost fleeing.  Romana
breathed a sigh of relief, grateful that he had sensed the correct action. 
Right now, what Ace needed was the unconditional love and support of a
mother-figure, a role Romana could easily slip into.  She did not need her
semi-estranged husband hovering over her and making her too tense to get
her mind around her grief.  Soon, she would need him.  Not now.
          Ace's tears subsided quickly and she lay quietly against Romana's
shoulder.  The Time Lady held her, instinctively aware that no words were
adequate at this moment, and that silence was better than an attempt at
verbal comfort.


          The Doctor escaped into the cool hallway, his hearts pounding in
his chest.  He pressed both hands to his face, marveling at his utter
inability to offer any comfort to her.  He suspected that no comfort, from
him or anyone else, would be adequate at this moment...but it still made
him feel worse than useless.  The child was lost, and he would mourn it for
a long time, but right now his concern was Ace.  She was still alive, and
all he wanted to do was give her whatever she needed from him.  If that
turned out to be his absence, he would oblige, but sorrowfully.  
          He glanced down the hall and was surprised to see a familiar
figure seated on a bench against the wall.  A slim young man, fair-skinned
and wavy-haired, in a velvet coat and a brocade waistcoat.  He sat with his
arms crossed over his chest and his chin bowed down upon his breast.  As
the Doctor approached him, he raised his eyes.
          The Doctor stopped in his tracks and held the young man's gaze
for a moment, then dropped his eyes and wearily took a seat next to him,
pinching the bridge of his nose.  The young man did not speak.  The Doctor
let his head fall back against the wall and closed his eyes.  "What are you
doing here?" he asked quietly.
          The young man considered, staring down at his hands.  "I'm not sure."
          "How long ago was this...for you?" he asked quietly.
          "Seems like yesterday.  Or a thousand years..."  A pained
expression crossed his face.  "This day, I think, is a memory that would
not fade with a thousand eons."  The Doctor nodded, leaning forward to prop
his chin on his hands.  A comfortable silence fell.  The young man
restrained himself from getting up and running into her room...just to see
her again, touch her again.  For him, the pain of outliving her was more
recent and fresh than this long-ago pain, but the memory of the anguish of
the Time Lord beside him was quite fresh enough to sting.  Silently, he
reached out and laid a hand on the Doctor's shoulder, feeling the anxiety
coursing through his body even through his jacket.  
          After some moments spent in silent communion, he stood to go. 
The Doctor looked up at him expectantly as the young man buttoned his
overcoat.  For one moment he feared he'd leave without saying anything, but
after a pause he did speak.  "I will only say only this:  I have had to
adjust to life without her, as I knew someday I would, but in truth I say
that at this moment I would give anything I have or anything I've done for
just one more moment with her, for one chance to hear her voice again."  He
paused and thrust his hands into his pockets and looked off into space.  "I
envy you, Doctor.  Your moments are in the future...their quality or their
number are within your control.  I have to be satisfied with memories."  He
smiled sadly down at the younger Time Lord, turned, and walked slowly off
down the hall.


          The next morning, Ace sat in the armchair in her room, her feet
tucked up underneath her and her breakfast untouched on a tray at her side. 
She was waiting, had been waiting for about five minutes for him to say
something.  He'd come in silently and gone to the window to stand there
facing away from her, his hands clasped behind his back, and he hadn't
moved since.  She had just about decided that she'd have to prompt him when
he suddenly spoke, making her jump.
          "You're being released this morning?"
          It was such a commonplace question after such a long pause that
it threw her for a bit of a loop.  "Umm..yes, I am," she stammered.  "I'm
supposed to rest, though, so Byron has arranged some temporary quarters for
me here."
          He nodded and turned slowly to face her, the faux sunlight
backlighting him and casting his face in darkness.  "There's so much I want
to say to you, Ace, but I'm not sure if now is the right time."
          She shrugged.  "I don't think there will be a *better* time, if
that's what you mean."
          He took that as a positive sign and sat down in the other
armchair.  After another pause during which he appeared to be collecting
his thoughts, he spoke again.  "I love you," he said, very simply.  "Do you
understand what that means?  It means that your happiness is more important
to me than my own.  I will do whatever you tell me to do.  If it will make
you happy for me to leave, I'll do it."
          Ace shook her head.  "The burden shouldn't rest just on my
shoulders, you know."
          "Why not?  I'm the villain here.  I'm the one who's come crawling
back hoping for forgiveness knowing full well that I don't really deserve
it."  He shut his eyes and pressed a hand to his forehead.  "Ace, I don't
know what else I can say to you that I haven't already said.  You know how
I feel, you know that I hate myself for what I did to you, and to us!"
          "What do you want from me?" she exclaimed suddenly.  "I had just
begun to get over what happened between us and then you're there again,
saying that it was all a terrible mistake and how much you regretted it,
and now I've lost our child and God knows I haven't scarcely begun to feel
the fallout from that!"  Her voice cracked slightly.  "I don't know if I
can take another wrenching confrontation with you."
          "I don't want a confrontation," he said softly.  "All I want is
our marriage back, Ace.  Don't sit there and tell me that you can just let
it die quietly, because it was very good.  I've admitted my wrongdoing and
Rassilon knows I've suffered for it, every day since it happened, and now
I'm fighting to save it!  Don't you think it's worth fighting for?"
          She stared at him, then dropped her eyes.  "Yes, I do."
          He paused and examined the top of her head, which was all he
could see.  "You don't trust me any further than you could throw me, do
you?" he finally mused.
          She looked up, a surprising smile on her face.  "Well, well. 
Looks like you're finally getting the idea."
          "Do you really think I'd ever do such a thing again?"
          She bit her lip and glanced away.  "That's the real question,
isn't it?"
          He stood and ran his hands through his hair.  "I just wish I knew
what you wanted."
          "How does it feel?" she asked sharply.  He turned.  "Yeah, that's
right.  How does it feel never to know what ground you stand on, or what
I'm going to do next, or what to do to make it all right?  How do you like
being on the other side of the mystery, Doctor?"  
          He smiled ruefully.  "You're right.  You always said I was too
accustomed to being in control.  As in everything else, you know me too
well...which might be the problem."
          She crossed her arms.  "So what happens now?"
          He spread his arms in a gesture of supplication.  "I don't know. 
I don't know anything anymore."
          To his surprise, she smiled.  "Well, that sounds very promising,
Doctor.  That sounds like an excellent start."
          He dropped his arms and stared at his shoes.  Silence fell for a
few moments.  "The thought of you getting over us and going on with your
life without me terrifies me, because I don't think I could do likewise,"
he said.  "I said it before but it bears repeating...I will do whatever you
need me to do right now.  Tell me to leave, I'll go.  Tell me to stay, I'll
stay."  He tried to catch her eyes but she looked away.  "Do you want me to
leave?" he almost whispered.  She said nothing. 
          The Doctor's hearts sank, a cold lead ball settling into the pit
of his stomach at her apparent indifference.  Just get into the hall before
you break down, his said to himself.  Dragging his feet, he went to the
door and opened it as slowly as he could.  He was halfway out when she
spoke, freezing him in his tracks with a single word:
          "Stay."