I'm standing here in your closet, I'm buttoning up your clothes
I'll sleep in your bed tonight, but I'll never find you home
You're giving me crooked answers, I'm cracking your little code
I'm learning another language, so full it's about to explode


You give me a ladder now, I'll surely believe I'll climb
It don't even matter now, I'm willing to take my time
I'm gonna love you anyway...
	--Joan Osborne



CHAPTER 2:  LADDER


	The afternoon of August 12, 1996 was a real bitch-kitty, in the opinion of one Christopher 
D. Lang of Boulder, Colorado.  It was humid, it was hot, and he had a fucking physics exam.  He was 
sitting in a large ovenlike lecture hall, sweating his way through the five-page instrument of torture
 with his fellow sufferers.  Every so often he'd glance up at Theo, his TA, as she sat in the front of
 the room reading a book.  She'd get up periodically to answer a question.  He knew he couldn't hope 
for it but he kept wishing she'd give him a break because he knew who she was.
	Chris, by sheer coincidence, also worked for the Guardians.  Angel employed thousands of
 beings on each planet under their protection who mostly functioned as lookouts and occasional 
helpers, and Chris was one of them.  He'd been given limited telepathic powers and a mental link 
to Angel.  The Guardian herself was sort of a mythic figure among these helpers, who had networks
 all over the world and periodic meetings.  They all knew she was human and lived a normal life on
Earth while carrying out her duties, and Chris had been shocked when he'd seen his TA and had 
known instantly via his mental connection who she was.  He'd let her know who he was, and she'd 
requested that he not reveal her identity which he of course agreed to.  After all, she could snap
 him out of existence with her fingers if she chose.
	Just as Chris was about to return his attention to the task at hand, he heard Angel's voice 
in his mind...but quickly realized that he wasn't talking to him, but to Theo.
	"There's a situation developing in the Narnos sector you're going to want to look into," he 
said briefly.  Chris looked at Theo, who appeared outwardly as if nothing had happened.  She looked
 up and her eyes narrowed briefly.  As if on cue, the door opened and a fellow TA of hers, Josh, 
walked in and leaned over to speak to her.  By their body language it looked as if he was offering 
to take over the proctoring duties.  Theo picked up her book and walked up the stairs to the door, 
winking at him as she passed by.  The test resumed as if nothing had happened.  Chris wondered 
what could have called her away.


	Theo let the door to the exam room swing softly shut behind her.  The hall outside was cool 
and deserted.  She strode quickly away, her air of nonchalance gone.  She tossed her book into 
the air, where it vanished, appearing on the bookshelf in her apartment seven miles away.  As 
she walked, Angel gave her the details in her head, and her jeans and t-shirt melted away to be 
replaced by her uniform, which she seldom wore except when she planned to "deal" with someone, 
as she usually put it.  It consisted of a utilitarian combination of black pants and tunic, with a long 
cape of a deep wine color secured to her shoulders with gold clips.  The badge of her office was a
 medallion that hung around her neck.  The uniform was plain, but impressive.  For more formal 
occasions and her duties as a jurist she had a much fancier uniform, but this was not a formal 
occasion.  As she reached the end of the hall she simply vanished.
	She reappeared in the middle of a firefight on a distant planet.  Unconcerned and confident, 
she faced a large phalanx of Daleks, who were confused at her sudden appearance.  With hysterical
 shouts of "exterminate!" they began firing at her.  Sighing, she held up a hand to deflect the shots, 
while with her other hand she fired a wide-dispersal energy blast which took out the entire 
squadron.  She turned around to the surprised band of humans that had been fighting these Daleks
 as they emerged from their cover.  She didn't join their cheers, but strode directly to a large 
scrap of battle debris and reached behind it to haul Ace to her feet from where she'd been hiding.
	"Oh no, you can't hide from me.  Come on, let's go."  She started to lead Ace away.  The 
apparent leader of the resistance troupe came up.
	"Guardian, thanks for your help!" he gushed.
	"Glad to be of assistance," Theo replied dully.  "Sorry to rob you of your soldier," she said 
and then she and Ace vanished before the young woman had time to offer a word of protest.


	They reappeared in Theo's office.  Theo sat Ace down in a comfy leather club chair, shaking
 her head.
	"Ace, you promised me you'd stay out of that crap."
	Ace's face clouded with anger.  "You're not my Mum, okay?  I can handle myself.  You didn't
 seem any too concerned with any of my mates staying out of it!"
	"Oh, don't give me that.  They're in it to protect their homes and their people.  You're in it 
to satisfy your own anger and toss explosives around.  It nearly got you killed once, and you 
promised me that you'd find...more healthy expressions of violence.  For God's sake, take up 
jai-alai or something."  She sighed.  "I'm not really angry with you, Ace, I'm just confused.  
You told Benny you were coming to see me.  How'd you get sidetracked?"
	Ace looked at her friend in amazement.  "Is there anything you don't know?"
	"No.  Answer my question, please?"
	Ace glared up at Theo.  "Tell me about Seth," she said.
	Theo recoiled, surprised.  "What?"
	"Seth!  You know, tall man, dark hair, your evil counterpart?  Tell me about him."
	Theo looked puzzled.  "What do you want to know?  There's not much to tell."
	"Okay, now who's spewing the bullshit?  You two have a history, don't you?  I can tell."
	Theo smiled sardonically.  "I guess you're not the only one with secrets, are you?"  She 
sighed and flopped into a chair across from Ace, who leaned forward in anticipation.  She'd been 
wanting to hear this story for ages; she'd only been able to glean hints of it from others.  "All 
right," she said finally.  "If it'll make you tell me what's been troubling you.  But you're one of 
only a few mortals who know about this.
	When I first came to this job, Angel was not my assistant.  Seth already had the job, and 
he'd held it for centuries.  He was trusted implicitly to run it all, as Angel is.  You probably know 
that I'm mostly a figurehead, Angel does most of the day-to-day running of the office."  Ace 
nodded.  Theo cleared her throat and averted her eyes.  "Seth and I worked very well together...
and soon it became clear that it was more than that."
	Ace smiled.  "Oh...you fell in love?"
	"Oh yeah," Theo said, smiling.  "You could say that.  I don't know, it's hard to explain...but 
it was really something.  Like...like in a sonnet, or in a really cheesy movie that you can't help 
but get sucked in by."  A wistful look passed across her face.  "I was really in love with him, 
and it was great.  I didn't think stuff like that happened in real life, and I sure as hell never 
thought it would happen to me."  She paused.  "Then he led an expedition to infiltrate and get 
information about the activities of our counterparts."
	"The ones that work for the Black Guardian."
	"Yes.  We call them the Legion, and their leaders were faceless and shadowy.  Anyway, 
he was gone for about a month, which we expected, and returned none the worse for it...and 
with lots of valuable information.  About two months went by, and everything seemed fine.  
Seth and I...well, everything seemed fine.  It wasn't until we launched the first action based 
on his findings that the shit hit the fan."  She stood up, but not before Ace thought she saw 
the glimmer of tears in the Guardian's eyes.  Theo stood with her back to Ace for a moment, 
her arms crossed, cupping her elbows.  After a moment she turned around again, leaning against
 the edge of her desk.  "It was a massacre.  A trap...they were waiting for us.  I lost over fifty 
thousand of my soldiers, including a close friend, one of my lieutenants.  It was all we could 
do to retreat and regroup.  It wasn't until we got back that we realized that not only had Seth 
failed to return with us, but that it had to have been him who engineered the ambush."  She 
sniffed and shook her head.  "My Seth.  He'd been taken over.  It wasn't his fault, really...but 
now the Legion's leader has a face.  His face.  He spends most of his time now thinking up new 
and creative ways to destroy me...but I can't bring myself to hate him as much as he hates me.
  I keep thinking that the man I loved is still inside him somewhere, trying to get out.  At the 
same time I can't allow him to use my sentimentality to gain tactical advantage.  So I'm stuck, 
so to speak."
	Ace looked horrified.  "I'm so sorry, Theo."  She thought for a moment.  "I knew I was 
better off on my own.  Look what happens when you get involved."
	Theo's brow creased.  "Is that what this is about?  Is that all you were looking for in that
 story?"  She walked over and knelt in front of Ace, gripping the young woman's forearms.  
"Ace, if you allow the possibility of pain to prevent you from feeling anything at all, then you've
 given in to the pain before it even gets to you!  It's like surrender before the battle starts!  
Don't you see the futility of that?  In all trust there's the possibility of betrayal," she said, 
looking into Ace's face, although Ace's eyes were downcast.  "You of all people should know 
that," she said softly.  Ace looked up sharply.  Pay dirt.  "But you can't shut yourself off 
forever...and isn't that why you came here?"
	"I didn't come here..."
	"Oh yes you did.  You went straight from Benny's to the station on Narnos IV, Ace.  
Narnos IV?  Central Casting for Dalek killers?  You were looking to pick a fight and you found
 one because you knew it would bring me running, didn't you?  Why didn't you just come here? 
 You're always welcome."
	Ace looked down at where she was gripping Theo's hands.  "I don't know," she said slowly.
	"Ace, you've had a hard life...or an interesting life, I guess it depends on how you look 
at it.  You seem to have finally found a pretty good existence for yourself.  But there's 
something missing, isn't there?
	Ace nodded slowly.
	"Tell me what's going on in your head."
	Ace smiled.  "Don't you know?  Haven't you peeked yet?"
	Theo smiled back.  "No.  I don't need to.  But I do need to hear it in your own words."
	Ace fetched a deep resigned sigh.  "I think there's something wrong with me," she whispered.
  Theo leaned forward to listen.  "I go through guys like frigging bacon sandwiches.  I think I'm in 
love with them...then they just fade away like...like fog."  Her hazel eyes were full of confusion.  
"Why can't I really love someone?  Will I be alone forever?"  Her voice cracked a little.  Theo 
smiled inside, where Ace couldn't see it.  This couldn't be going any better if it had been scripted.
	"Tell me about these men, Ace.  What is it about them that attracts you?"
	Ace swallowed.  "I dunno...they're all sort of the same."  She shook her head.  "But I don't 
think it's about them at all."
	"What's it about then?"
	"I don't know!" Ace cried, frustrated.  "You tell me!"
	Theo bit her lip.  This would have to be handled carefully.  "Okay, think about them.  If it 
isn't about them, then it must be about you.  The men you are drawn to could be reflective of 
something in yourself that needs expressing.  Does that sound right?"
	Ace's eyes were far away, but she was nodding.  "Yes, that sounds right."
	"So what is it?  What are you looking for in them?"
	Ace shook her head, her mouth opened but no words came out.  Theo tried again.
	"Ace...when you look at these men, whose face are you seeing?  Or maybe a better question 
is: whose face are you trying not to see?"
	Ace was staring over Theo's shoulder at nothing.  Theo could feel the woman's mind circling 
around the answer.  As she waited she brushed her mind over Ace's, curious as to what was going
 on in there.  She could see that Ace knew...she knew the truth, but it was deep, and her mind was
 resisting it with every ounce of strength it had.  Theo knew damn well why...and she wondered, 
not for the first time, if it wouldn't just be better to let well enough alone.  She couldn't decide 
which option was best for either of them.  Well, too late now.  She watched Ace's face carefully.
  Gradually her eyes came back into focus and she slowly looked back at Theo, disbelief written 
all over her face.  Theo nodded slowly.
	"That wasn't such a long walk, was it?"
	"No," Ace said, responding not to Theo's question but to a realization she wasn't sure if she 
was ready for.
	Theo was silent.  She'd done as much as she could.
	"No," Ace repeated.  "Is it...um...I can't..."  She trailed off and cleared her throat,
 composing herself.  "What a fucking mess," she muttered.
	Theo smiled.  "What's that mean?"
	Ace's lower lip began to tremble, incredibly.  Theo had never seen Ace cry, even with 
far more reason to.  "I can't," she said.  "I can't love him."  She looked away, biting her lip 
and fighting down a lump in her throat.  She looked back.  "But I do, don't I?"
	"Do you see now what's missing?"
	Ace nodded, tears spilling over her eyelids.  Theo leaned forward and held her friend tightly 
as she sobbed out her frustration.


	After Ace calmed down, Theo poured them both a cuppa.  Ace seemed to be adjusting to 
this new wrinkle in her known reality.
	Theo considered for a moment.  "So...tell me what exactly it is that you've decided."
	Ace smirked at her.  "You just want me to say it, don't you?"
	"Don't you think you should?"
	Ace took a deep, shaky breath.  "I'm...I'm in love with him.  I guess that's been true for 
awhile."
	"With who...?"
	"The Doctor.  Are you satisfied?"
	"Quite.  But don't you feel better?"
	"I don't know.  I think there was a good reason I could never see it before."
	"What might that be?"
	Ace looked amazed.  "Don't you know?  I mean come on...I hardly think I'm the first 
companion he's had to feel this way.  In fact I'd almost bet that all his companions loved him 
in some way...not all like me, and some more than others."
	"You're certainly right about that."
	"And they all knew what I know...that it's a one-way ticket to misery!  Why do you think
I buried it so deep that it took your help to dig it out?  Why do you think I spent half my life 
proving to myself and everyone else how not in love with him I was?  He can never return 
those feelings!"
	Theo's eyebrows arched.  "Are you sure about that?"
	Ace blinked.  "Huh?"
	"You heard me."
	"You're not serious."
	"Ace, I'll tell you the truth.  He was here a few days ago and he wasn't himself."
	Ace snorted laughter.  "If you're about to tell me that he's been pining for me you can just
 save it cuz I won't believe it.  The very thought is ridiculous!"
	"You'd like it to be, wouldn't you?"  Theo said, standing.  "As long as it's only abstract you
 can push it away and bury it again...not to mention you've got fuel for the old angst-fire enough 
to last you years!"  Ace drew back, surprised by this outburst.  "But as soon as you start to 
think it might be possible, that there might actually be a chance, then it becomes personal...and
it might actually involve some real feelings, and that just can't be allowed.  So then it's time to 
back away and throw up the defenses again.  God, you're both so terrified you wouldn't know 
what you felt!"  she exclaimed.  "Why is it so much easier for both of you to run around the 
cosmos exhibiting a range of avoidance behaviors that would make Freud's head spin than just
 expressing how you feel?  Are you really that afraid of intimacy?"
	"Yes!" Ace yelled, jumping up.  "When it's the Doctor, yes I am!  You don't know him like
 I know him, Theo!"
	"You're right, Ace, I know him better and I've known him longer...all seven of him.  All his 
life he's tried to protect himself against just this situation, but I don't think he has the strength
 anymore.  You wore him down.  Don't you get it?  All his companions, they never really knew 
him.  They only knew what he let them see.  Not you.  You actually got down to where he is...and 
there's no going back.  Without you, he is incomplete, and deep down he knows it...and it scares
 him to death."
	Ace's face was thoughtful.  Suddenly she turned and ran for the door.
	"Ace, where are you going?"
	She stopped and looked back as she reached the door.  "Where do you think, Theo?  I'm going
 to find him...because I'm not complete without him, either."
	She disappeared out the door.  Theo sighed, hoping she'd done the right thing.