#1	Newcomer-friendly tip #1... Please read if you're new

I come in peace.

I am not a veteran here, really. I'm not even a regular anymore. What I usually am is a laughing lurker -or a lurking laugher. A lurkaughinger.

AHEM.

A lot of brouhaha erupted recently about a list of tips from vets to newbies (hated word). I don't want to address that . I do think that when people post things like that they are, for the most part, not trying to drive away newcomers but help them to assimilate better.

In that spirit, I want to post a few hints for newcomers. These are not rules or dogma. They are just things I learned -sometimes at the expense of the newsgroup during the brief time I posted here as a regular.

Friendly Tip #1: READ

Read what, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

1) READ the newsgroup before posting. Why? This cuts down on multiple postings on the same subject in virtually the same words over and over and over and over again. Believe me, the time will come (soon) when you will cringe at the sight of headers like these: "Is CSM Mulder's father?" "CSM -Mulder's father or not?" "I've got it -CSM is Mulder's father!" (The time will come when you will say to yourself, I'd rather be dragged naked over a bed of spikes than read a header on that subject again!')

Some of this is unavoidable because this is a wide web world and virtually (pun) everyone in it is trying to log on as the credits roll on one episode and the gruesome trailer is shown for the next-and they all want to post the same thing.

Some of this is not the result of overlap. Some of this is the result of not reading before posting. If you do a quick read-through BEFORE you post, focussing on the topics you want to discuss, you will find out how much ground has already been covered. Maybe you can join an existing thread. Maybe you can start an original thread and add something new and striking to the debate. (e.g. "Who was that person Mulder was STRIKING in this episode?") It's a courteous practice to read through first, and the newsgroup will appreciate it.

2) READ the FAQs to answer your questions about the show. Pat Gonzalez posted her FAQ tonight. Did you read it? You should have. Both Pat Gonzalez and Bernardine have written FAQs and they update them regularly. These FAQs deal with the most minute of minutae about the show. I'm going to let you know something I didn't know when I began I didn't know what in the world an FAQ was! FAQ? Forcibly Arrested Quarrys? Feebly articulated queries? Fumblingly argued quandaries? An FAQ is a place that answers Frequently Asked Questions. I am not trying to be condescending here. Like I said. I didn't know.

See, I see the question you want to post. Take your finger off Mister Mousey, you button-happy thang! You want to know, "Why does Mulder put an "X" made of tape on the window?" For the sake of your own well-being as well as the sanity of the group, unhand the mouse! That has got to be the single most frequently-asked question on alt.tv.xfiles. It's mind-numbing to think of it! But you want to know, correct? And you want to know if Mulder frequently eats sunflower seeds. You want to know what religion Scully is, and how many family members she has. (The answer to that is "fewer and fewer".)

This is why FAQs exist. I read through Pat's tonight, and it's so comprehensive it deserves Morroccan leather bindings and a Dewey decimal designation. I'm sure Bernardine has been equally thorough. The point is, use these resources instead of asking questions on the newsgroup. The newsgroup is not comprised of mean people. (Well, some of them are.) They don't want to fight with you. (Well, some of them do.) ANY-way, the newsgroup is deep into the fourth season, and equally deep into the discussion of the symbolism of wilted rose petals. They cannot be roused from such discussions until good deprogrammers arise from among us.

The other thing you want explained is that pesky "mythology" or "mytharc". (Now, I ask you. Don't you long to hear Daffy Duck say "mytharc" 5 times fast?) Anyway, the mythology is the ongoing story of the show. You want it explained and clarified. (As time goes by, so does everybody.) What you don't want to do is ask to have the "mytharc" recapitulated in total by a newsgroup member. Someone recently likened this to arriving halfway through a movie, standing up and yelling, "WHAT'S HAPPENED SO FAR?!!!" This is apt, I think. As I said before, these newsgroupies are hard-core fans, and they're DEEEEP into that rose petal discussion. This is another question for the FAQ.

3.) READ articles about the show to answer your questions. Some magazines-Cinescape and Cinefantastique among them- have very indepth articles wherein they (YAY!) recapitulate the mytharc, discuss the show's beginnings, it's actors, trivia -STUFF. You know - like a magazine article. This way, you can have your questions answered and gain general knowledge to share with the newsgroup. You may even divert them from horticulture -who knows?

In conclusion, use the available resources. Use your search engine; just type in the words: X-FILES and WHOOOAAA...You're off and running.

Friendly Tip No. 1? READ

DISCLAIMER: As stated above. Nothing written herein is meant to make a newcomer feel unwelcome or belittled. Happy posting.

#2	Newcomer-friendly tip #2 ... Please read if you're new

Hello again. If you're new, and you're reading this, you haven't been alienated (good word for this show) by the things I preached (?), expounded (?), nagged about (?) in "Tip # 1".

So...

TIP # 2: HAVE AN OPINION!

What a stupid tip! Everyone has an opinion! Well, you may be surprised by how many people don't have an opinion or don't express an opinion on the group.

Some people have extremely strong opinions. They like to post things like: THIS SHOW SUCKS! GET A LIFE! SCULLY IS WHORE! MULDER IS A PUNK! (Wait, no sorry. That's a valid opinion -mine actually.) These people are called "trolls". Trolls post strong opinions to provoke controversy and turmoil and weeping and gnashing of teeth and tearing of clothes and throwing of porcelain objects and general unhappiness. Trolls can be amusing, but they get very angry e-mail.

What I mean by having an opinion is as follows. Many people, instead of expressing their opinions, re -post the arguments (with no editing) of other people with only the addition of comments like "I agree" or "what he/she said" or "Yeah!" (This is called a "ME TOO!" post, and the people who do this are sometimes called things that aren't fit to repeat.)

Well, what's wrong with that, you ask? Nothing is wrong with that if we're in the process of VOTING. We are not, unless otherwise notified, in the process of tallying votes on who has the most valid opinions. (You CAN'T really determine that because opinions are -well, a matter of opinion -Hey! Looky there! My argument started to eat its tail just like the MILLENIUM snake!)

AHEM...Where were we? Oh yeah! We're not voting here. We're discussing. If you want to agree with someone in a way that registers something besides boredom you have to add something significant to the discussion. If you HAVE nothing significant to add you can:

1.) e-mail the person and tell them how much you agree. Tell them, in fact, that you have worshipped them from afar ever since you saw their clever sig on the newsgroup. (You cannot use this artful type of flattery on "Nancy, no clever sig", however. She has no clever sig. Ain't that clever?) You can meet some interesting people that way.

2.) use a LOT of vocabulary in a very convoluted way. People will THINK you're adding something. I do not recommend this, and nobody really does that here.

If you do have something clever to add, learn to "SNIP, SNIP, SNIP" the relevant portions of the testimony (sorry -got the Simpson verdict on the brain). I mean, delete the stuff you don't want to address and respond to the stuff you want to address.

Read some posts and see how this is done. It can make for really great back-and-forth action. Or, it can make for a really tedious and overlong discussion in which case you can just read the TROLLS for comic relief.

You can add some great opinions on this group. Just learn to do so in a way that's courteous and moves the discussion forward -or my favorite direction-sideways. YARK YARK YARK.

#3	Newcomer-friendly tip #3... Please read if you're new

Are we having fun yet?

Let's just review what we've learned so far.

Tip# 1: READ

a) The newsgroup before posting to cut down on multiple posts

b) FAQs to get answers to trivia questions

c) magazines about the show (Cinefantastique and Cinescapes special X-Files issues) for answers to questions about the shows creators, actors, etc...

d) the X-Files Official Guide, available in bookstores and video outlets. (Thanks again to Gizzie for reminding everyone. Who's Gizzie? You DO have a lot to learn, don't you?)

e) the alt.tv.x-files FAQ for questions of "Netiquette". You can find it using a search engine. Most things can be found using a search engine. (I'm planning to look for the lost half of the mytharc using a search engine one of these days.) I just added this because I just remembered it, and NO, it won't be on the final exam because I'm too lazy to make up a final exam, let alone mark papers!

Tip#2 : HAVE AN OPINION

And the handy dandy Newcomer-friendly:

Tip #3: DON'T SPOIL

All this talk about spoiling, spoilers and spoilerage can really spoil the discussion on a newsgroup. What is a spoiler, and how can you avoid doing it or having it done to you?

A SPOILER is any information about what happens in an episode that hasn't aired yet or an episode that has aired in certain parts of the country or the world, but not all. A newsgroup practice has evolved of posting "spoiler warnings" in the header of a post that contains such information. Stuff like: "So, is CSM Mulder's father!" or "Scully has cancer!" This warns people who haven't seen the episode not to read the threads containing spoiler warnings. Rumors that are leaked about the contents of upcoming episodes are also marked with spoiler warnings.

A spoiler warning looks like this: SPOILERS!
or this: CONTAINS SPOILERS
or this: WARNING! Spoilers!

Formal netiquette also prescribes spoilers that include the name of the episode being spoiled in funky little brackets,

like so: <> or

(Whether formal netiquette also insists that you extend your pinky while spoiling, I don't know. You know how how that Miss Manners carries on-what a loony!) Two sets of brackets mean major spoilers and one means...that your wrist is tired...I don't know. Use the alt.tv.x-files FAQ to answer this question

We are not so much concerned here with formalitites as we are with attitude. No one (save a strange person) wants an episode spoiled for them by a careless poster. Persons possessed of clean hands and pure hearts (and good luck finding them here) don't want to spoil.

How -so-ever, what of an episode that has aired a week ago? Do we go on posting spoiler warnings? What if the info is leaked ahead of time? Do we go on posting spoiler warnings? Well, it's a matter of courtesy. What is your conscience telling you? (YICK! We didn't need to know all of that...) No no no. What is your conscience telling you about "spoiling"? ......You don't HAVE a conscience?

Okay, I'll tell you what I think. It's like when I learned to drive a stick- shift. They guy who taught me said: "When in doubt -clutch!" (This may have NOT been such good advice because I am murder on a clutch.) 'HEM... When in doubt, post a warning. A warning like this: SPOILERS! A warning like this: WARNING! SPOILERS! Or a warning like this: SPOILERAROS YUP! YUP!YUP! IT'S ALL BEEN SPOILED FOR YA RIGHT HERE.

If you make a mistake and spoil anyway YOU ARE DOOMED. YOU ARE A CARCASS! YOU WILL NOT EVEN BE BURIED VERY WELL!

Nah. If you spoil, and all spoil (and some are spoiled) post an apology. Deal with any deserved backlash with grace (and if Grace is out of town, handle it on your own. YARK YARK YARK)

#4	Newcomer-friendly tip #4... Please read if you're new

Well, hopefully by now you're feeling little less daunted about proper posting. It's time for another review.

What have we learned so far:

Tip #1: Read:

a) The newsgroup before posting to cut down on multiple postings
b) FAQs provided by Pat Gonzalez and Bernardine for questions about the show AND the alt.tv.x-files FAQ for questions about posting.
c) Magazines about the show for info about the creator of the show, its stars, its production crew, etc...
d) The Official Guide available in bookstores and video outlets (Suncoast Videos, Media Play)

Tip #2: Have an opinion

a) Add something original to the conversation
b) Avoid reprinting an entire post with the words: "Me too" or "Yeah!" or "What he/she said!"

Tip #3: Don't Spoil

And now, on to

Tip #4: Take it private

Before we continue, check your e-mail. What is e-mail? Ask somebody to explain it to you and then return for further assistance. Okay, you know what e-mail is? The reason I include this is that after my first couple of postings on this group, my husband opened the inbox one day and informed me: "Do you know that you have a lot of mail?" I was a little perplexed because it had never occured to me that anyone would write to me. You probably have a lot more experience with e-mail than I did, but I'm going to give you a couple of tips about when to e-mail about something instead of posting:

1. E-mail when you want to tell someone how much you agree or how funny you found something they wrote. You can agree with someone on the newsgroup if you have significant stuff to add to the conversation. Use e-mail whenever you feel tempted to simply respond: "Me too!"

2. E-mail when you are involved in an ongoing discussion with one person. There aren't any hard and fast rules about this, I don't think. If there are, I've broken 'em. If you find that you want to continue a discussion with only two combatants -er- participants, take it private. Not everything is for a group.

3. E-mail rather than fight on a newsgroup. I think I'm going to write a whole thingy on this later, so I won't say much here. If you have a gripe with the way a particular person conducts him or herself, take it private.

4. E-mail when responding to offers of videotapes or souvenirs. When you see a header like: "I'VE GOT FLUKE WORMS AND I'VE GOTTA MOVE 'EM!" -well, that's disgusting and I didn't do it on purpose. Anyway, if you feel that you simply MUST have a flukeworm or you shall surely die, and you've already smashed your piggy bank to get the funds, e-mail your response. Ditto posters, calendars, mugs, videos, yada yada yada yada. Unless you're e-mail-impaired for awhile don't conduct your business on the group.

Two additional tips about e-mail:

1) DON'T ever ever ever leak something on a newsgroup that was confided to you by e-mail! Similarly, don't leak e-mail to get others involved in a fight. Keep your private business private.

2) Answer your e-mail. Most people answer e-mail. It's a polite way of conducting oneself. If you don't particularly like the person who has written to you, just send a short thank you or no thank you or something. Some people never answer e-mail. I don't know why.

#5	Newcomer-friendly tip #5... Please read if you're new

Hello. I'll bet you were wondering if these things were ever going to stop coming, or if, a year from now you'd be shaking your head, saying: "Theys just like bad pennies..."

Well this is IT! The final newcomer-friendly tip. Yay! Hooray! How am I going to spend my sabbatical? I'm going to write a very scholarly book on the symbolism inherent in wilted rose petals-or snake tattoos-or something.

Ahem, so...review:

Tip #1: Read

a) The newsgroup before posting to cut down on multiple posts on the same subject.
b) FAQs to answer questions about the show and the newsgroup. (news.announce.newusers is a source of such FAQs.)
c) magazines about the show for indepth stuff on the creator and the production end.
d) the Official Guide available in bookstores and video outlets like Suncoast Video and Media Play.

Remember: Read and do your own research rather than automatically asking questions on the newsgroup.

Tip #2: Have an Opinion

a) Don't indulge in "me too" posts
b) add something to the ongoing discussion or start original threads.

Tip #3: Don't Spoil in the Header

Tip #4: Take it private. E-mail when:
a) You want to agree with someone or tell them how funny they are.
b) Responding to offers of merchandise: calendars, mugs, t-shirts,
c) you have a gripe with someone

ALSO:
d)NEVER leak e-mail on the newsgroup
e) answer your e-mail. It's polite

And the final newcomer-friendly tip...

Tip#5: Assimilate without rancor

Don't you hate newsgroup fights? I'm not talking about differences of opinion being settled in a heated argument.

An example:

POSTER #1 : "I think that for Mulder, Scully represents the sister that he lost and he sometimes treats her in a way that she interprets as overly protective or condescending."

POSTER #2 : "Are you kidding? Mulder is an arrogant, clueless PUNK! He doesn't care about anyone but himself! He treats Scully like a personal assistant! She ought to slap him silly!"

Now these are legitimate differing viewpoints. No matter how wrong POSTER #1 is, he/she has a right to post his/her opinion (and await the blowtorch.)

I'm talking about when personal gripes between posters are aired on newsgroup. Sometimes these acrimonious exchanges are begun while discussing the show. Take the example above. What if POSTER #2 responded thus:

POSTER #2: "Are you kidding? Mulder is an arrogant, clueless PUNK! Of course, being an arrogant clueless PUNK yourself, you probaby approve of the breed! AND ANOTHER THING! I notice that you take pains to rebut every one of my posts, and I'm SICK of it! Get lost, LOSER!"

Well, the above may be true, but it's pretty irrelevant to the discussion of the show. Imagine POSTER #3 clicking on this thread and getting a cyber-earful. Yeah, it's one of life's little pleasures to be a spectator at a genuine brouhaha (not those artificial brouhahas they produce in sweatshops) but but but... by the time POSTER #1 responds regarding POSTER #2's mother's footwear and POSTER #2 waxes eloquent on the subject of POSTER #1's dubious parentage and things have TRULY escalated from ugly to hideous... it gets kinda boring. Especially when POSTER #4 (friend to POSTER #1) chimes in about POSTER #2's egregiously faulty grammar and POSTER #5 (friend to no one) weighs in with the following opinion: "WHAT IN THE FLOCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE D**N SHOW! YOU ALL SUCK!!!"

Some of this is unavoidable because issues arise on newsgroups. On this newsgroup a virtual community was created and while some people found it fun, others took issue with it being in a group devoted to discussion. There ensued a famous war, and a lot of people are still limpin'. Nahhhhh. Sometimes stuff just gets fought right out in the open and it's necessary to reach a consensus -and a count of casualities. During times like these, a newsgroup can be like a really funky Town Hall meeting but without the refreshing lemonade and pound cake provided by the Women's Auxiliary. You sit there thinking, "I didn't know the old girl had it in her. She's making use of every bit of vocabulary she ever had...including some stuff she learned down on the docks!"

Another cause of disagreements is newsgroup hierarchies or veterans versus "the new". Well, every newsgroup I've checked out has an old guard and a bunch of new people. A lot of those groups are extremely rude in the way they handle an influx of newcomers. One group I post on once in awhile (another T.V. show) spends half its time fighting. They call names and leak e-mail to the group and try to depose some bogus self-elected monarch. All the while I keep thinking, "Hey, they have a pretty good show to discuss!" One e-mailpal from that group writes me that she wants to quit posting because of the snooty ruling class. Maybe I'm wrong, but I told her to enjoy the show and ignore the snooty ruling class. There are always going to be newsgroup veterans because there will always be:

1) people who come first
2) people who come later

Where's the confounded tip in all this, you MORON! (you shout. Go ahead, shout it. It's wonderfully liberating.)

No, I'm not going to say something in the "Can't we all just get along?" vein because...sometimes it doesn't work out that way. However, watch next time a newsgroup skirmish emerges. There are a handful of combatants, and then there are other posters whose signatures appear in the list over an over again. When you check out their threads, they're still discussing (gasp) wilted rose petals or phosphorescence or cheesy special effects or how this episode reminded them of that book on philology or....anything! There is a special name for these people. They are called "smart people".

Instead of getting embroiled in brouhaha (the plural of brouhaha) respond to the posts that interest you and enjoy yourself. If you have a gripe with someone, use your handy dandy e-mail device to settle it whenever possible.

Now, I want to introduce you to a few things you'll run into on this newsgroup:

X-Ville: X-Ville is a virtual town inhabited by some members of alt.tv.x-files. Joining is easy. Just ask to join. I don't know what they do there, but an almost constant mood of celebration prevails.

OBSSE: This stands for Order of the Blessed Saint Scully the Enigmatic. The order was created by Nancy no clever sig, to promote devotion to the character of Dana Scully and to push for Scully to become an actual character in the storyline. They are a fairly militant group. You do NOT want to throw down with a member of OBSSE.

THE EDUCATED: This isn't an official society but there are a number of very educated people here who bring their erudition to bear on every question. I only mention them because they can be very interesting, and they write very long posts. (You can feel your hair growing while reading some of these posts.)

THE FRIVOLOUS: Lots of fun people here. Lots of humorous people. Some people that don't take this very seriously. See the group picture of the loonies? That's Rufie standing there holding that rubber chicken -third from left, top row. Someone drew that moustache on her.

Final, final tip?

This ain't life. Some people argue that this is life. Nahhh. Life is where you pay the mortgage, shovel the walk-(We earn our summers here in Michigan, Jack!)- get elected, consider cosmetic surgery, deal w/ problems and traumas and real tragedies. A newsgroup is like life but not really as fulfilling. If you ever start mistaking this for a life, take a break and get someone to talk you down just like all those members of the Hog Farm did at Woodstock for the people who ate the bad acid. Get someone to tell you: "Mulder and Scully are not real people. It's okay if they never have a romantic relationship! The show is not real. Someday it will be over...You don't really see the Well Manicured Man in your closet..."

See, if this were real life, how come it goes away when you turn off the computer?

Conraduations, gradulates! Don't throw your mortar boards. Set them on fire! (Kewl)

If you have any questions, better e-mail them.

My e-mail address is: myrke@ix.netcom.com