Of Ferrets and Priests
By Juli Monroe
Featured Characters: Caine, Peter, Lo Si
Guest Characters: Swink the ferret. AKA (Affectionately Known As) Swinker Stinker.
Warnings: The only offensive things in this story are a few...err...gifts from Swink. (Hey, she was called Swinker Stinker for a reason.)
Disclaimer: Other than Swink, these characters do not belong to me, and I promise to give them back unharmed.
Dedications: This story is lovingly dedicated to the real Swink, my former fuzzie.
Copyright: (c) 1998 by Juli Monroe
And now, on with the story...
Juli: Once upon a time, in a mystical place with no name...
Obnoxious Child Number One (OC1): What was mystical about it?
Juli: Well, it was such a special place that was close to both California and Niagra Falls.
Obnoxious Child Number Two (OC2): Where's Niagra Falls?
Juli: We'll look at the map later, okay?
OC2: How come he was so special?
Juli: He was Shaolin.
OC1: What's that?
Nice Child Number 1 (NC1): You remember. It was Shaolin powers that defeated the Brujo in the other story.
OC1: Oh.
Juli: Can I get back to this story? I can tell the Brujo story again later. Anyway, this special Shaolin priest had a son, and his name was Peter.
OC2: That's a dumb name! How come he has such a dumb name?
Juli
OC2: Okay. I guess.
Juli: So, Peter loved his father very much. But he was worried that his father would get lonely living all by himself, so he bought his father a pet to keep him company.
NC1: A dog?
Juli: No. A ferret.
OC1: What's that?
Juli
OC1: Hey, I want one. Can I have one?
Juli: You'll have to take that up with your mother.
Now, this ferret was very beautiful. She was mostly white, with some grey markings and black on the very tip of her tail. Kwai Chang Caine immediately fell in love with her.
He loved her so much that he couldn't bear to leave her in the cage, even though his Most Beloved Son had warned him that keeping her in the cage when he couldn't watch her was a good idea.
But when Swink (for that was what he named her) snapped her little black eyes at him, he could not resist her, and he let her out. He donated the cage to a worthy family and let her have the run of his loft.
Now Swink, being a good ferret and quite devoted to her beloved owner (read "Big Un who feeds me"), just wanted to help out the Most Holy Caine with his work. She was convinced that having those smelly herbs out all over the place was bad for his health, so she put them away. In all the nooks and crannies she could find.
Now Caine could not figure out what was happening to his herbs, and he looked high and low for them (but not low enough). He couldn't find them anywhere. He even asked his aged master, The Not-Quite-Wizened-Enough Lo Si to help him. But, Lo Si could not find them either, since he could not bend down that far. But he did play with Swink, who did her Dance of Joy Punctuated With Many Delightful Dooks. Lo Si was so charmed by her performance, especially after she lovingly rested her head on his foot after a particularly energetic play session, that it never occurred to him that she might be responsible for the missing herbs.
Eventually, Swinker Stinker found an even better hiding place for the smelly herbs. She scratched a hole in Caine's futon and hid them there. After all, he was such a Holy Priest that he didn't need to sleep. Meditation seemed to suffice. Swink never did understand meditation. She could not see the use in sitting so still for so long. But he ignored her attention-getting war dance, even when she did it in his lap, and she learned that meditation time was the best time to rearrange the herbarium.
The Most Holy Caine did not even catch onto her antics when she hid all the candles in an abandoned mouse hole. He just shrugged with one shoulder and learned to meditate in the dark. Swink did leave the incense alone. It made her sneeze even more than the herbs.
But finally, the Wise Caine suspected something. Swink had finally made a grave mistake. A common mistake for a ferret, and quite understandable, but still grave. She left a...present in the middle of the meditation room. After all, she had rationalized; it was much too far to the box in the next room.
The Great and Revered Kwai Chang Caine called his Number One Son to ask for advice. Peter came right over, even though the city was in the middle of the worst crime wave the city had ever seen.
That is how devoted a son he was to his Beloved Father.
Caine showed him the "gift" and asked for advice. Peter threw up his hands and said that it was obvious and had Caine really given away the cage. The Most Holy Caine hung his head in overwhelming shame and admitted that he had. Wise (though not as wise as his father) Son Peter glanced around the loft and noticed all the missing herbs. Since he was wiser in the way of ferrets than Caine and nimbler in the back than the Not-Wizened-Enough Lo Si, he looked low enough. Swink did her most distracting war dance to try to keep him away from her hiding spots, but Peter had recently had his inoculation against such overwhelming cuteness, and he found the candle hiding place and the hole in the futon.
He even discovered all the nooks and crannies. Every single one.
Well, Caine was ashamed and abashed, but he still loved his Swinker Stinker, so he retrieved his cage (the new owners had no intention of ever getting a ferret and had, in fact, wondered why he had give it to them). And now Swink spends meditation time in the cage. She still does not completely understand meditation, but she is starting to get the idea.
But fear not, dear listeners. The Great and Still-Smitten Kwai Chang Caine still lets her out during other times, and his loft echoes to happy dooks and shuffling feet doing the Dance of Joy.
Juli: So, children. What is the moral of this story?
OC1: Don't give a ferret to a priest.
NC1: No dummy! The moral is that all creatures must be understood according to their needs, and any man who ignores those needs upsets the harmony and peace in their universe.
Juli
END
Rotten tomatoes cheerfully thrown back.
Virtual ferret crunchies and raisins gratefully accepted at soulwindow@oocities.com