I am the Very Model of a Trendy Faux Bisexual
(To the tune of: I am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General)
Nick Fitch

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I am the very model of a trendy faux bisexual
I dress in black to show that I'm a tortured intellectual
My piercings have gone septic but at least I'm not respectable
I think that labels stink and that Nutella is delectable

My S.O. is a motos, like the last one and the one before
I touched a boy in college but I don't do that anymore
Now boys are just for hugging, if they get too fresh they're out the door
I hate it when a guy wants sex, that outlook is a major bore

My friends are all named Muffy, Sneezy, Dopey, Elf and Demodave
To women cursed with silly names I'd gladly be a willing slave
I fantasize of water beds and wrist restraints and hot bi babes....

[pause]

...With maybe one guy watching if he's cute and I felt _REALLY_ brave

I hang around in gay space and I kiss my girl quite shamelessly
But gays and dykes are hypocrites when faced with my diversity
I'm just as queer as they are but they always scowl and glare at me
I can't be held responsible for monosexual jealousy

I tell gay men they're sexist 'cos they never get erections
When they think of girls, they would do if they lost their preconceptions
I say everyone is bi and they would know that on reflection
If they were advanced enough to make the spiritual connection

I couldn't love a guy but I'm bisexual, it is a rule
That challenging self-labels is the mark of a biphobic fool
I'd claim I'd shag a sheep if "Wired" or "Spin" would only say it's cool
Though ruminants still leave me cold and big bazongas make me drool

In short, in Kinsey rating and pretensions ineffectual
I am the very model of a trendy faux bisexual.

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