The Road To Salvation Act III: I Want to Kill Everyone

AS I BEGIN TODAY'S TALE OF UNBRIDLED ANTICS I MUST NOTE AN EVENT OF SIGNIFICANCE. What is this event you might ask? We'll I don't want to tell you but as I wrote just a sentence ago, "I MUST". So I will. A car pulled up to the Consulate gates. That's it. I knew you wouldn't want to hear it, but it must be said. Yet... it is not the car that is of any importance but the occupants. Who are they you ask? Well. First I'll have to ask you to be quiet. It's rude of you to keep asking questions during my narration. Seriously. Be quiet. But who is it? I'm Waiting... WHO!? Quiet down. Still waiting... All settled? Good. Now its time to shift into... Third Person Narrative. The scene is set and our eyes gaze upon the grounds surrounding the Andorran Consulate. A cunning UWA fan might realize that the last time these grounds had been prominently presented to the casual viewing audience would happen to be the night that the Omega Sin's enemies 10 Minute Major and Dahrkov skulked about the Consulate grounds with intent to kill. This day is not unlike that one. Today a pair of visitors has arrived at the Doctor's doorstep with malicious intent... familiar visitors. The car is a black limousine. It's door cracks ajar slightly. Something wafts out of the opening to the vehicle a kin to white smoke or gas as the door swings open fully. A boot plants itself on ground. It's a military style boot. The camera angle focuses on the boots and does not pan upwards or allow you the luxury of seeing the owner of that boot beyond the knee. Stepping to the side another occupant exits the car. Voice, "This is the place." The smoke has since ceased billowing out of the car door and is nothing more than a thin haze or a fog dangling ominously in the atmosphere. Another pair of feet exit the car, these feet, like the pair previous feet, are also wearing shoes. This fascinating fact aside roughly 75% of the average UWA veiwership is also keen enough to realize that this particular pair of feet, although hidden from the naked eye by a pair of vision obstructing shoes, is a pair of female feet; conversation ensues. Woman's Voice, "Let's get in and out, I want to know if this stuff still works..." Voice, "Of course it works, only an infidel's science fails." Woman's Voice, "Right, lets go." The door is quickly shut and the scene dissolves away leaving the viewer with nothing but the declining pitter patter of footsteps leading farther and farther away from them. All too quickly the pieces of this puzzlingly perplexing scene are replaced with images within the Consulate. There we see Minions 1, 2, and 3 lounging in what appears to be a simple living room, for some reason there is a hatchet on an end table next to Minion 1, we don't know where that came from. There the trio of destruction are watching television on a high-def plasma screen television which used to adorn the wall of the Doctor's former plane "Air Kovenant". Nobody knows exactly what happened to that plane, it disappeared early 2004 with no explanation. Regardless that particular television screen had been named the true UWA Television Champion by Doc Placebo prior to facing Rage for the World Title while the Doctor himself was still the Television Champion. It was after all the best television the Doctor had ever seen. He still likes it. "WHERE THE HELL IS IT?" "Now what the? That looked good right there... it was decorative... it matched the drapes... "DON'T YOU PLAY DUMB YOU KNOW WHY I HAD TO DO THAT! NOW GO OUTSIDE AND GET IT!" "Tell me again Shake, why did you have to do that?" SOMEONE STOLE MY PDA AND I WILL RUIN THIS HOUSE WITH MY ANGER!" Odd as that sounds it is a completely useless fact... what is even less important is that the Minions are watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force, that was some dialogue of the show just now. The TV is turned way up. Also for those few readers who actually clicked on this link the message boards and started reading my RP you should note that I am back and I'm writing in first person again hence the reason why we're reading this in FONT COLOR=WHITE instead of that old Doc Placebo gray. Why did I switch perspectives and narration color? Stay tuned. And what's up with my ratings last week... 11 clicks on an RP? BULLSHIT! Meanwhile... as this narration is from the perspective of Minion 1 I should put in some of his thoughts, "This is a fucking good show, everyone reading this RP should watch it, and Adult Swim tells me to buy a CD called Danger Doom.... DAAAANNGER DOOM! Just kinda sounds cool, got no fucking clue what it is... they got that dude there with the question mark suit doing commercials for it. Ahhh... marketing, that bastard step child of business... you get me every time". I turn the volume on this amazingly breathtaking television set down so I can speak without being upstaged by Master Shake. VOLUME ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| VOLUME |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| VOLUME ||||||||||||||| VOLUME ||||| Minion 1, "Ah that's bullshit." "Come on Shake, let's go" Minion 3, "What's bullshit?" ROMULUX, I KNOW YOUR IN THERE, AND IF I FIND OUT YOU GOT MY PDA... ARE YOU GOING TO BE IN TROUBLE BOY!" "Who down there wants to meet the captain, and get sexy with him?" Minion 2, "What? Oh! You mean how Freebles went and got the win all off of your work? And then how he tried to laugh at you 'cause he managed to pin somebody off of YOUR efforts after he couldn't put anybody in that match away by himself?" "OOOo I DO! I want to meet the Captain." "No you DON'T" Minion 2, "And THEN how that total douche gets booked in the main event while your curtain jerking around with some jackass who is so well known they thought he was a woman named Christina last week because he didn't even have the decency to create even a single promotional advertisement to introduce himself to the UWA fans and his opponents?" "Pssh... I wanted to meet that Captain... and get sexy with him or whatever he said..." Minion 3, "God DAMN you talk too much." Minion 2, "...well maybe I just have a lot to say..." Minion 1, "Nah that's not it...somebody stole Shake's PDA, what a jerk." Minion 2, "You know we still don't know for SURE if it's Christian or Christina James.... when you watch the tapes from last night it does announce it as "Christina James" again just before they start showing the footage for the match..." Minion 3, "I read his bio..." Minion 2, "OR HER!" Minion 3, "Yeah... or HER bio and he/she has some hot manager chick named Emily Davies!" Minion 3, "You know what that means..." Instantly we all speak at once. Minions 1,2,3, "LESBIANS!" Long silence here... I think we're all thinking about lesbians, I know I am. Are you? Precious lesbians and their group showers and random pillow fights while wearing lingerie. Ahhhh... Ok, time to get back on task... wait a second. Lesbians... there... got it out of my system. Now to get back on task. Minion 1, "Fucking AWESOME!" Minion 2, "Ha! And we thought Morelez had the better match." Minion 3, "Shit just keeps getting better!" Minion 1, "You're telling me... I feel like Jesus just came down here and turned my water into wine!" Minion 1, "...thank you Jesus..." Now that I see that this RP has already reached four pages in MS Word I should now tell you the reason I switched to a random Doc Placebo format. Simple. I wanted to sadistically torture each and every one of you people who asked for Doc Placebo to come back on the message boards this week. I've told you all individually on AIM that this is Minion 1's time to shine. Now, hold on a sec while I get back into character... *AHEM* I'm just sitting here watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force and thinking about lesbians when two figures enter the room. I bolt to my feet stuttering and bug eyed while Minions 2 and 3 do the same. Standing before my trio of hard luck bandits are Kuntrika and the former Iraqi Information Minister aka Baghdad Bob. Bob cut ties with Saddam in 2003 and joined up with the Red Scare Nikolas Globe and UWA Stable International Incident. They say nothing. I think that scares me more. That or maybe the fact Kuntrika is wearing a fur coat made out of poodles. Minion 1, "Wha... what do... you want?" No words are spoken. Kunty just nods and Bob raises his hand. BANG! phhhhhhhht! Minion 1, "OOow!" He SHOT ME! With some kind of dart.... and it made this weird "phhhhht" sound as it went through the air. I yank it out and toss it to the ground but just like that my world swirls around me and suddenly everything I see is red. My blood boils, my stomach growls, my mouth waters... I'm hungry, I'm angry, things are here in this room with me, things that are alive... FUCK THOSE THINGS! Fucking living bastards... I'll teach those pieces of shit to live right next to me, who the shit do they fucking think they are, fucking god damn bastards. I take a few steps towards Minion 2 but I don't yet have my footing. I'm gonna kill him. They talk, I hear them, but I don't care. The voices they make and the questions they ask don't matter. I'm going to KILL him. Minion 2, "What the SHIT was THAT!?" Minion 3, "OMFG!" Minion 2, "NOT THE TIME FOR INTERNET SPEAK!" Kuntrika, "We've shot your friend with the serum used to bring Natas out from the Trinatas shell." Baghdad Bob, "That's right... this is a new batch of the serum... but we needed to test it. Doc Placebo suggested you three to us." Minion 3, "Gee thanks." Baghdad Bob, "Don't thank us yet... if the test work's well he should turn into a homicidal maniac in about thirty seconds and try and kill anything in sight because the serum was tailored for the Alpha Sin, NOT him." Kuntrika, "We don't have much time, that pathetic Minion is starting to stagger around... I'm not getting Minion blood all over my new coat." I don't notice it when Trinatas' main squeeze & this century's king of public relations leave the room. I'm staggering around the room with every fiber of my being looking to kill something and my hands find a hatchet which had been oddly conveniently placed on the end table next to me. Like I mentioned earlier... I don't know who put this axe here. Minions 2 and 3 don't know the answer to that either. Their prolly shitting themselves right about now though and wishing they had a flux capacitor or a fancy telephone booth from the future with George Carlin in it to go back in time and prevent that axe from being placed on that table in the past. Maybe they could pick up some "personages of historical significance" like So-Crates. I vaguely acknowledge the Minions getting in a last word. Minion 3, "DAMNIT... This SUCKS WORSE THAN BATTLEFIELD EARTH!" Minion 2, "Damn right... John Travolta... you shit." I didn't think they had anything intelligent to contribute... but damn that movie did suck.... Now to my Axe... The only reason that that axe is there is because there is an old rule in script writing that I learned while working on my MBA. Yes that's right. Your reading the words of a man with a Master's degree. Fucked up isn't it? Anyways that old rule is that you should never put a gun on a mantle in Act 1 of a play or script and not use it later on.... basically you gotta fucking use it. So I did. The axe was there. I wrote it in. So Minion 1 just happened to be the one to pick it up and use it. Gotta follow the rules man, gotta follow the rules. So... will Minions 2 and 3 live to see the next show? Is it Christina or Christian James? Is he a lesbian? Find out... NEXTIME! ~fin~