The Road To Salvation Act III: I Want to Kill Everyone Pt: II
Now, with Minion 1 turned into a full fledged homicidal maniac hopped up on the Trinatas Serum...
...will Minions 2 and 3 survive?
FIND OUT!
In today's action PACKED episode!
"Is that your PDA? AAhhh! With an MP3 FUNCTION! THIS IS THE ONE I WANT! I mean the one I had... that was stolen."
"Wait... so you didn't steal his PDA?"
"What? I'm sorry... is this the movie thief, music by Tangerine Dream?"
Ahhh... so Shake didn't have his PDA stolen. Good, good. That voice is in my head telling me to go find something that's alive and introduce it to my axe. It sounds like a good idea. So I leave the room in search of something to hack up into little pieces. I really don't know it but as I leave the room and exit beyond the hallway outside the cameras which are taping my preparation for murderous intent do not follow me but instead focus on a set of closed drapes covering a window. There, lurking behind the curtains is a pair of very disturbed Minions.
Minion 3, "Shit..."
Minion 2, "What are we gonna do?"
Minion 3, "We got to do something... he'll kill someone..."
Minion 2, "Maybe us."
Minion 3, "Yeah... so... what are we gonna do?"
Minion 2, "....watch more Aqua Teen?"
Minion 3, "Sounds good!"
I've been told that the episode we were watching, "PDA", was over by the time Minion 2 and 3 went back into the room. They locked the door but we'll get back to that particular fact later. Luckily for the remaining Minions the episode of Aqua Teen they were watching was on the Season One DVD collection for the show of the same name so they just decided to skip ahead past the credits and go onto the next episode while I skulked about the Consulate halls with axe in hand.
Meanwhile... in Paris France we are shifting writing styles to the third person for a special cameo appearance. A new scene rich with the depth of a country's land which scrounged its way out from the Dark Ages and back into the Renaissance to usher in one of the greatest landmarks of human history but of course that was just for starters. The real icing on the cake was their rejection of Adolph Hitler's application to art school and indirectly ushering in the Second World War. France's contributions to society are boundless. However, today we are only focused on a small portion of French soil. A very small outdoor cafe ideally located near the low cost housing sector of Paris which had been in a recent state of social dissention. At this cafe sitting peaceably sipping a glass of wine is the Omega Sin; Doc Placebo, and his raven haired mistress Erica.
Doc Placebo, "Mmm... The taste of French wine is beginning to turn bitter as the riots wind down."
The Koven leader places his glass back onto the small white table separating him from Erica and sits backward into his chair. Like a sponge the Doctor allows his eyes to soak up the image of the beauty sitting a mere foot away from him sampling wine like. It has been at least a month since the two had been together. After leaving the UWA The Artisan of Agony has traveled the globe taking in the suffering of humanity. Visiting New Orleans, earthquake rubble in Iran, and now Paris France. Unfortunately someone was needed to keep the Minions in check, thankfully Doc found a "babysitter".
Erica, "I think... you're right, that or I just can't focus on the wine..."
Doc Placebo, "Why not? What's on your mind?"
Erica, "The Minions... you know one of us should be there... they can't take care of themselves!"
Doc Placebo, "Their fine, relax."
Erica, "How can you say that? Last time we took a vacation the dining room was wrecked and half of the carpets were chewed up because we forgot to leave food out! I don't even want to think about the litter boxes..."
Doc Placebo, "We really need to get the rest of them potty trained, but their fine. They got a babysitter... of sorts."
Erica, "A babysitter? 'Of Sorts'? What do you mean... who is looking after them?"
Doc Placebo, "Kuntrika and Baghdad Bob wanted to test out the new Trinatas Serum on them... to see if the latest batch worked. And since I'm not in UWA right now the Minions are pretty useless... they are the perfect test candidates."
Erica's grip on her wine glass tightens as her eyes widen slightly listening to Placebo's words. Thoughts of the Minion's next match and her hopes that they would topple Morelez's dreams of becoming another Grand Slam Champion like the man sitting across from her this very moment stir through her mind. Placebo notices his reaction in his dining companion and studies her odd reaction.
Erica, "What will it do to them?"
Doc Placebo, "I don't know exactly... I did not prepare this batch... but of course that is the reason for the tests."
Erica, "...of course... I'm sure their fine."
Doc Placebo, "...but I think you may be right. I've been away for too long. Perhaps it's time to return state-side and see if there is even a UWA to return to..."
Taking another sip of embittered wine the Doctor is losing himself in thought. Why would she be concerned about the wellbeing of Minions... the Doctor knows full well about her hatred for the sub-humans that serve him? She was one of them after all and the mere sight of those things stirs those memories inside her. At one point Doc believed that she would never be happy again until every Minion's life had ended however he was pleased to see that her happiness had been restored through administering suffering to those who remind her of her past... this reaction now... is very telling. But what is it telling that is the question which now occupying the Doctor's thoughts. This scene slowly fades to the image of the Minion Butler who has been opening the door at the Consulate since 2003 when Placebo took up residence there...
"Hmm... hm... HM HM hm.... Hmm... hm... HM HM hm...."
Humming, he's humming... I watch the Butler lock up the Consulate just as he has been programmed to do every night for the rest of his life. Soon he'll be tearing open the bags of puppy chow for the Minion feeding frenzy. He walks past me, ignoring my presence, his eyes empty and devoid of life. It's as if his soul is buried under tales of untold pain and punishments. Does it struggle to reassert itself or take comfort in residing deep within the subconscious of this automaton? I do not know. A voice talks to me in my mind. I've been listening to the voice speaking, telling me things. It's sweet lullaby lulling me to do as it wills. I sneak up next to him.
"Hmm... hm... HM HM hm.... Hmm... hm... HM HM hm...."
I raise my axe, he keeps walking, and the voice screams at me, I can't hear the humming... IT'S SCREAMING.
"Hmm... hm... HM HM hm.... Hmm... hm... HM HM hm...."
Slash.
HACK - SLISH
SLOSH, splatter.
huff. . . huff. . . huff. . .
Breathing heavily... I take the axe out of the back of the butler's cooling corpse. He's lying dead in the middle of a large hallway in the Consulate. It's that one with all of the Andorran banners where Wall2k's secret troops walked down while trying to rescue Ian from Doc & Paige Lane's grasp. I'm smiling as I rip this cutting tool from the body of my victim, every cell of me ripples as if I'm being electrocuted as I listen to flesh and bone rend and tear respectively. Jiminy quiets back down to a background murmur... and just like sonar my ears detect something that should not be there... the sounds of another episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force... That bastardized cricket tells me that Minions 2 and 3 went back to the room, probably thinking I wouldn't return... but I didn't need him to tell me that. Stupid fucker, stupid cricket... no wonder he couldn't help Pinocchio.
"My name is... SHAKE-ZULA the mike rula..."
"The old schoolah... Ya wanna trip? I'll bring it to ya!"
Like a leopard skulking a gazelle I track my prey with sound alone. I allow the Aqua Teen theme to lead me to my unsuspecting quarry...
"Frylock and I'm on top, Rock you like a cop..."
"Meatwad your up next with your knock-knock."
The thought occurs to me that leopards do not hunt with sound alone... In fact I don't know of an animal that does that off the top of my head. Leopards are cool though.
"Meatwad make the money, SEE."
"Meatwad get the honeys, G!"
"Drivin' in my car, livin' like a star."
"Ice on my fingers and my toes and I'm a Taurus."
I arrive at my destination... and make my presence known.
CRACK!
Minion 2, "Fuck it, he's here!"
While I slam my axe into the wooden door keeping me from killing Minions 2 and 3 Jiminy tells me they've shut off the DVD player and are trying to escape. Of course they are. There is a window but they'll never make it in time. I slash into the door several more times creating a large hole and I stick and arm and my head through it.
Minion 1, "HERE'S JOHNNY!"
Through my mask of rage I see something which disturbs greatly and silences the inner cricket within me. Images of someone claiming to be Christian James and not Christina James appear on the television in an amazingly well time promotional advertisement for my match in two days. Anger subsides replaced with a torrent of disappointment; my worst fears have been realized.
Minion 1, "Damn... it's true."
Minions 2 and 3 regain their composure as they see the homicidal urges leave my body faster than a meal at taco bell.
Minion 1, "No... lesbians... no girl on girl action... this match FUCKING SUCKS."
Damn. What the shit. Seriously. What sort of twisted design is this? Taunting me with the match of my dreams against a pair of hot lesbians and then... THIS? Horrible... just horrible... I don't know if I should even show up. Why should I even bother anyways? Who cares about this guy now that I know he's a guy and not a lesbian with long legs and delicious breasts like I was led to believe? Such a waste of my time.
Waiter... Check please. We're done here.