The Road To Salvation Act II: Gangs All Here
tat!
tat!
tat!
tat!
tat!
tat!
*click* *click*
Game Voice, "Heckenschutze!"
Game Voice2, "NEGATIV!"
Shit... more Nazis, I can hear them arguing about something in German. Their coming out of that damn church about 75 feet from my dude and trying to cap (Oh sorry, that's 'capture' to the videogame challenged) one of my flags. For this insult, they must die. I waste no time and quickly press & hold "Ctrl", my allied staff sergeant ducks and slowly bring my carbine rifle back to bear on my enemies after a quick reload. These bitches are coming out of the damn woodwork! Fuck them. They won't cap my flags. I still got the flag just next to the church, and we still got our base, but they got somebody in the middle... it won't be long till another Nazi hides behind that damn rock wall in the middle of the map and caps that flag. Thirty seconds till Minion 2 respawns... RELOADED!
tat!
tat!
tat!
tat!
tat!
Minion 1, "BOOM HEADSHOT!"
Stupid Nazi's, that's my flag. My bullets spray into the skull of a Stosstruppe ignorant enough to try and shift-run their way to the flag without any cover fire or even tossing a grenade. Noob. Where the hell is my backup? The Germans just capped the center and I'm starting to get paranoid hiding underneath of a window where any Unteroffizer can just jump onto my head and shovel the shit out of me... but somebody has to guard this flag or they'll win! Where the shit is Two? I glance over my shoulder real quick to see Minion 2 scowling at his screen as he is kicked out of the game by an AIM IM by some jackass with an Army of Darkness theme nickname. Luckily I am within arms reach of Minion 2 and I smack him for being stupid enough not to click the "hide windows while I'm away" option in AIM to keep him from being kicked out of the game.
Minion 2, "Oooow... that hurt. Hold on I'll be back in the game... this dude wants to go on a Micky D's run for some Chicken Selects, want any?"
Chicken selects? Haha, no. I shall not take part in such induldgences... but I would like to beat the shit out of you for abandoning me at the last flag. But that's ok, that's fine, 'cause its fucking ON NOW! I look around for Minion 3 but I see he's engulfing the contents of a bag of Frito Lay Doritos. Good choice, even if he's being an afk asshole. That's it then, I'm a Minion of One... literally... and figuratively.
Minion 1, "Ok Axis, lets go."
Minion 2, "Are you talking to the game?"
Minion 1, "Shut up and get back in the game!"
Minion 2, "You know they can't hear you..."
Minion 1, "Hurry up!"
Minion 2, "Ok ok... I'm editing my winamp playlist first... be there in a sec."
Minion 1, "DAMNIT!"
Minion 3, "OOh put on the Kill Bill 2 soundtrack, that shit's awesome to kill to."
Minion 2, "I hear dat."
My mind shuts off the ramblings of my two colleagues as I focus on the task at hand. This flag is MINE and I'll be damned if I let anymore axis get thier grubby WWII vintage polygons on it! A glance at the scoreboard says it all. That bastard with the fish name just quit, its now 3 on 5 and two of my players are out. One of em listening to mp3s for background music the other gorging themselves on flavored chips. Footsteps... I can hear them above me... but shit I got no time for that, more axis are trying to rush me from the church! I let lose a fierce volley of fire to counter the impending threat northward of my position. Tat tat tat goes my carbine. Odd that that text did not show up as one of my patented sound effects which I usually write in the impact font. I wonder how it ended up in my inner dialogue? That is a question for another time as one German Strumtruppe goes down with a fist full of my bullets lodged in his body. Another is wounded yet my target eludes a quick death by ducking prone behind a series of sandbags.
THUD! Step Step Step Step!
Thud! step step step step!
My sound effects are back! Thats right, this part of my writing is only for inner dialogue now, no more discriptions. This is a Minion 1,2,3 production, not a Doc Placebo 3rd person affair. Conflicting writing styles aside I quickly spin my mouse to look behind me and I see two Axis trying to cap the flag out from underneath me. It only takes two people to capture the last flag in this game but they didn't yet notice that I was hidng underneath this gigantic slab of concrete which has so nicely kept me hidden until this point while I waited for rienforcements who were never going to come. I press two to bring up my handgun, it doesnt have many bullets but if I shoot them in the head then I'm good. DIE!!
BANG BANG! BANG!
Sit still you bastard Hitler Youth...
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
That little thud noise were those two axis dying, shot one in tbe back. The other tried to get a shot off but he was too slow. I really dont mind shooting them in the back becuase they had thier machine pistols pointed right at our spawn to take out Minion 2 or 3 if they had decided to play again... so it's thier own damn fault. But why do I have the feeling I'm forgetting something, can't remember what it could be. I picked up the groceries, did the laundry... I seperated the whites from the colors right? Yeah I think so... fabric softener? SHIT did I put in the fabric softener? No I did that... everything's cool...
...
....
.....
Then why do I have this nagging feeling like I've forgotten somethin*
Damn. The sniper. I knew I was forgetting something and it had NOTHING to do with my laundry... did I take that out of the laundry? Son of a... that shit is gonna shirk now. I ALWAYS FORGET that... uhh.. but it doesnt matter anymore. The Axis won, I was cut down to size by some stupid Emeril Lagasse-ish sound effect. Oh how the lowly have fallen.
Computer Voice, "Axis Wins.... doo DO DO doo doo do DOOO dooo do DOOOO dooo doo DOOO do DOOO DO!"
Minion 1, "Damnit, I quit, I hate thier music!"
Minion 1, "Where were you guys?"
Minion 2, "Hold on, I can't find my 80's hits folder..."
Minion 3, "Psshhawww! Like I care! I'm still over here talking about french toast! We did that angle to death! How am I going to keep focused when I'm still doing gags from 2004? Seriously!"
Minion 1, "Ok ok... I think we need to do something new... what do you guys want?"
Minion 3, "I want a pony."
Minion 2, "WTF?"
Minion 1, "Dude we're not playing the game anymore, talk in english! Noob."
Minion 2, "Awww... Hey lets get some chicken selects!"
Minion 1, "Hmm... ya know I could kill for an oreo McFlurry... Lets go!"
Minion 3, "Right, ok, I see how it is, no Pony... again! We'll see how you guys like it next month when you unwrap my presents to you guys! COAL! Pssh..."
And with that said we were off on a road trip. We would probably get lost. But you know what? Thats ok, becuase there are McDonalds restaurants everywhere. And its a lot harder to find a Denny's than a McDonalds so we should be good no matter what happens. We should even be good if we run into the ghetto. Cause if the ghetto is filled with millionare wrestling hall of famers we should be fine. No one ever got held up by H. Ross Perot did they? Ha! We're good. And you know what else? I don't even need to address those other opponents we got cause there are 3 of them and 3 of us. Anyone who can add will soon come to the simple conclusion that if we let Morelez = M, and if Christina James= C, and if that other dude whose name excapes me is now "Y" then M+C+Y=Minions(1+2+3). But what that calulation doesnt consider is we're more than just numbers. We're minions. And that means something damnit. Now, while I'm on the subject. If a train is going from Philly to Harrisburg at 50 miles per hour. And a plane is traveling from Harrisburg to Philly at 75 miles per hour... when will they meet? Who ever can tell me wins a fruit roll up at Rampage this weekend! Get cracking!