The Road To Salvation Act IV: You Say Kenji I Say Kanji!
Close.
Open.
Close. It's really just that easy. I wonder why Doc even bothered to win all of those belts if this was how it was like for him. My best guess would probably be obsessive compulsive disorder... yeah that's prolly it. As if nobody in UWA hasn't pegged him on that yet... once you get an idea into that warped gray matter of his between his ears nothing can dislodge it. Oh God not again... Minions 2 and 3 must have found me hiding up here in the east wing of the Consulate cause I see them walking towards me. Minion 3 has some really dumb smile on his face while he carries some kind of paper with printed letters on it, damn him and his corporate memos...
Minion 2, "Sooo... whatcha doing?"
Great... now their talking to me. I guess I can't get a break anywhere. I mean it should be obvious what I'm doing. What else would I be doing? I'm preparing for my next match of course. What did you think I was doing? Didn't know? That's because you're not as cool as me, I'd have instantly known what I was doing. Yanking on this damn curtain so I can open it perfectly in UWA next week. I mean damn... even the new guy doesn't get curtain duty... he's right after my act squaring off against Shang Tu'Sung. Fuck HIM! He didn't even beat Goro yet! I don't know who I'm facing but I really don't care. It's not like they'll throw anyone main event status my way and then have them sink to my level as a career curtain opener. Hah! Like that would ever happen.
Open.
I open the curtain again sending blinding sunlight into Minion 2's questioning eyes, I think he squinted in pain briefly until his pupils adjust to the new quantity of light assailing his wretched optical senses. Deep inside this makes my heart warm up just a little bit, knowing I've caused trivial this pain.
Minion 1, "What's it look like?"
I should probably explain my reasons to him vocally since I have yet to perfect the fine art of telepathy. Therefore he could not have possibly heard my explanation in my inner monologue just a few moments ago. I mean shit who do I think I am anyways? Professor X? I wish! If I was as cool as Patrick Stewart... then I could have commanded the Enterprise and led the CIA in Seth McFarlane's American Dad. Although I think I would have turned down his latest role in Bambi II... yeah... I wouldn't have done that. Direct to DVD Disney sequel rubbish is what that is.
Minion 3, "Oh! OH! Charades! I got it! I got it!"
Minion 3, "Uhh...."
Minion 3, "...."
Minion 3, "Actually I don't got it... what are you doing?"
Minion 2, "Yeah... like he said!"
Minion 1, "Can't anyone here connect the dots? Geeze... what I wouldn't give for Patrick Stewart to be here right now... I'm practicing for next week! UWA wants me to open the curtain for them each week well then damn it I'll be the best damn curtain opener they'll have EVER SEEN! I'll be a professional by next week if I just sit here and forego eating so that I can continue with my studies."
Minion 2, "Dude do you even know who your facing?"
Minion 1, "Nope, whys it matter?"
Closed.
Heh heh... now they won't be able to see for several seconds while their pupils now adjust to an absence of light in the room! Take that Minions 2 and 3.
Minion 3, "God... DAMN iT! Stop that already! Your facing Kenji Yamamoto!"
It's true. Minion 3 just tossed his stupid memo at me and there it is.... written in 12 point font; "Kenji Yamamoto". Instantly my heart sinks. What the hell am I going to do now? How does UWA expect me to compete with THAT? Is it even possible? How do you even prepare for a match with something like that?
Minion 2, "...uhh... what's wrong Numero Uno?"
Minion 1, "What's wrong? WHATS WRONG? How am I supposed to square off with the Japanese language? HOW? Can it even get into the ring? And how am I supposed to pin a written language? I'm gonna quit, this is bogus! What kind of bastardized game is Jada playing here? How about next week I can go toe to toe with Egyptian Hieroglyphics. How's about that huh? Think I can make Latin tap out?
Minion 1, "Tempus Fugit my ASS BITCHES!"
Minion 3, "Err... actually your thinking about Kanji... not Kenji..."
Minion 2, "Yeah... Kanji is a system of 5,000 to 10,000 Chinese characters adapted by the Japanese for use in their writing system which have been in use within Japanese society for thousands of years."
Minion 1, "...really?"
Minion 2, "Yup."
Minion 1, "Huh... then what's Hiragana?"
Minion 2, "Geeze... what is this Hooked on Phonics? Hiragana is a simplified version of the kanji forms except this time the symbols do not refer to specific things but instead have a phonetic value to them like the English alphabet."
Minion 1, "Huh... then... if Kanji and Hiragana are Japanese writing styles what the hell is a Katakana? And don't tell me it's a damn sword 'cause I've seen Kill Bill!"
Minion 2, "What the hell? Is my middle name Britannica or what? I'll show you where you can stick your katana you son of a..."
Minion 3, "Easy Two, I got this."
Minion 3, "The Katakana... is essentially similar to the hiragana in that it is a series of symbols which have a phonetic meaning. However, unlike the Hiragana the Katakana is often used to refer to foreign names, objects, lands, basically anything outside of Japan."
Minion 1, "Whys that?"
Minion 3, "The Japanese are a proud people... if you don't come from the mainland you're a 'Gaijin' an outsider. You can never write your name in Kanji like those from Japan proper. In fact if you were to ever leave Japan and take up residence outside the islands you lose your right to write your name in kanji and must forever write them in the katakana because they are now outsiders themselves."
Minion 1, "Damn isn't that a bitch."
Well how's about that? You learn something new every day don't ya? But seriously what is up with the Japanese language being composed of three alphabets or whatever the hell these things are? Who does that? How many times are you going simplify the Chinese language and then lay claim on it for yourselves? Geeze...
Minion 1, "Ok, ok. I get it already; I'm not up against a language or even MS Courier New. So do any of us have a clue who this guy is?"
With my question out in the open Minions 2 and 3 take up poses much akin to the great thinker. You know that statue of the dude that's thinking? Ever wonder what he was thinking about? I've thought about it... but I seriously doubt he was thinking about that damn dog that was taking a shit he saw on the way to McDonalds in the morning while he was going to pick up a Big Breakfast Combo... and I know for damn sure he wasn't thinking about looking for the dog's shit on the way back from the McDonalds as he passed the place he saw the crapping take place. I got no idea what he was thinking about but right now it looks like Minions 2 and 3 are drawing a blank slate.
Minion 1, "Anything at all?"
Minion 3, "I think that he..."
Minion 2, "Doesn't he work for Nintendo?"
Minion 3, "That makes no sense... why is One going up against a Nintendo rep?"
Minion 2, "Not a Rep you idiot... he's a composer...Kenji Yamamoto did the music in Metriod Fusion..."
Minion 3, "Ok then... why is One going up against a composer then?"
Minion 2, "Uhh..."
Minion 3, "That's RIGHT! Now sit DOWN, Shut UP, and let me speak!"
Whoa... somebody needs a chill pill, stat. You never hear anyone say that anymore... chill pill. I guess the word went out of style. Maybe I should update my vocabulary so I can have only current diction in my narration. That would be nice. However... all I'm trying to do is figure out right now is who the hell I'm facing this week. It's not like they matter at all anyways. Erica sent us to UWA to take Freedom out so this guy doesn't matter anyways. In any event I keep on listening while Minion 2 looks dejected after being told off by Minion 3.
Minion 3, "Ok, now as I was saying... before I was so rudely interrupted... Kenji Yamamoto is a UWA wrestler who is trying to go after the World Title. He has to get through ALL of US in order to face Rilo for the World Belt!"
Minion 1, "All of us?"
Minion 2, "Whoa... hey do we get separate pay checks or something... cause I thought they only hired One?"
Minion 3, "Dunno... who wants to face Burger Boy anyways... his food gives me the shits."
Minion 1, "It doesn't matter. I don't care for this Kenji Yamamoto and his three alphabets!"
Minion 2, "Four."
Minion 1, "WHAT?"
Minion 2, "They got four."
Minion 1, "KENJI YOU FUCKING JERK! Why do you need four alphabets, huh? WHY? What the hell is the fourth one for? I'll bet it's just for scene transitions in Iron Chef! You notice they NEVER translate those things. Drives me crazy, it's already bad enough I'll never get a chance to eat any of that food."
Minion 3, "Nah... It's actually called Romaji a Latin variation of Chinese kanji created by a 16th century Portuguese missionary to Japan for..."
I've heard enough of this madness, no more learning is going to take place in this promotional advertisement for our appearance at this week's Rampage, none. I jump to my feet and interject!
Minion 1, "You know what I just don't care!"
Minion 2 looks like he's about to say something but I'll be damned if he keeps up teaching the UWA audience anything! I slap him several times until he is quiet. This is our time and we have to send a message to this joker before he pulls a pearl harbor on us and gets his promotional ad up first. He's been in UWA longer than us yeah... but we're the ones trying to make an impact here. I don't care if he doesn't have any WMDs, I don't care if we don't have any support from the global community. Forget them. I'm going to make a preemptive strike on this guy right here and now!
Minion 1, "Kenji can have his four alphabets!"
Minion 1, "He can even have mine!
Minion 1, "Just let him take the English language! He prolly needs it so he can get his damn written word fix. I mean shit... does this guy just jack off to the Rosetta Stone or something? Is one alphabet just not good enough for him? It worked for the Aztecs! But... you know what? He can just horde as many variations of the Chinese language as he can in his precious island based society with his throwing stars and ninja assassins but he's not our final destination!"
Minion 2, "...freedom morelez is..."
I resist the urge to slap him again. Yet he is right, even if he did interrupt my momentum. I just gotta roll with it.
Minion 1, "That's right, he's the reason Erica sent us in here. It's his defeat we got to see through, not Mr. Alphabet Collector! You hear me Kenji Katakana Kanji Hiragana Romaji Yamamoto? You are NOT our final destination. You're like a pit stop to us on the way to a Freedom Morelez loss."
Minion 1, "Got that Kenji? Yeah we're gonna take the time to stop. Drop our deuces, wipe, flush, and then wash our hands. But that's it you linguistic addict and then we'll be on our way."
Minion 3, "Damn right!"
Minion 1, "And when we've flushed this pile of poop out of the UWA...
...look...
...out...
...Freedom!"
Suddenly I'm not so sad after all. It only takes a cause for me to get all motivated again. Taking this guy down a peg or two is going to be amusing but I got to remember to keep my eyes on the prize. Morelez hasn't escaped us yet. Doc and Erica will be arriving back in the United States soon... hopefully our plan will please her so that she won't hurt us too badly for our last miserable failure. We were lucky she left the country to be with her Omega Sin before she found out about our last loss. I seriously doubt the fact we defeated newcomer Christian James would do anything to persuade her whipping arm not to come down on us hard. I'm still pissed we didn't face a "Christina" James as UWA advertised. Lesbians would have so rocked... think of the ratings? Yet... this Rampage I might have a plan that could just do the trick.