The Road To Salvation Act V: A Newer Hope
Minion 1, "What would MacGyver do..."
Yeah it was MacGyver alright... Spike TV really needs to stop showing this series. I bet they'll gonna kill it off like they did to Highlander, but anyways... I've got some work to do.
-One Minute and Twenty-Six Seconds Later-
Minion 1, "Eat your heart out A Team."
In my hand I now wield a conglomerate of interwoven bed sheets, pillow cases, a hefty scarf, and a bunch of clothes hangers to create a long rope like thing with a grappling hook... made out of the hangers. I toss the end of the "rope" without the clothes hangers out the window and hand the other end to Minion 2 to "grapple" it onto something for safety.
Minion 3, "...is that gonna be safe?"
Minion 2, "Sure... it'll be fine! You go first!"
Minion 3, "Err..."
Minion 1, "Come on we gotta hurry!"
Minion 3, "Ok, ok, ok... I'll go, ya bastards."
I watch Minion 3 tentatively perch on top of the window sill with the blanket rope around half of his waist and one hand in front with the other behind him as if he were about to rappel down the side of the Consulate... when did he have rappelling lessons? And WHY wasn't I invited? He performs a controlled jump... should the blanket rope be following him out the window?
SKNIT! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa....
Shit. No that should definitely not be happening, I rush over to the sill and try to grab the rope but its going so fast it burns my hands! By the way that little sound like wolverine's claws popping out was the clothes hangers scraping the window sill on the way out.
Minion 1, "...ouch."
...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
...uuf."
Ok... that was not safe. I can see Minion 3 outside the window in a crumpled heap of what are probably broke bones, bruised flesh, and soiled underwear. He isn't screaming anymore at least... I cringe. It's not a pretty sight... Ok... Plan B.
The scene quickly switches to the image of the Lord of the Consulate; Doc Placebo is seen prodding the decaying corpse in his foyer. Erica still has yet to return with the oxyclean so the congealed blood which has seeped deep into the expensive carpeting on which this body has become to degenerate still remains soiled. With a quick slash of his blade through the air Placebo removes any pieces of rotten flesh or congealed hemoglobin which has attached to his Spanish blade before sheathing the weapon once more into his jacket. His attention is averted as Minions 1 & 2 come running into the foyer at full speed. Doc's eyes go wide.
Doc Placebo, "What..."
The Minion duo charge towards the door, Minion 2 opens the door in a hurry and slips over his shoelace.
Doc Placebo, "...the..."
Minion One trips over Minion Two and somersaults into the air before landing into a perfect forward roll while Two scurries out of Doc's sight on all fours like he's playing crab soccer.
Doc Placebo, "...fuck."
Leaving a dumbfounded retired UWA behind the scene transitions one last time to an area outside the Consulate where Minions 2 and 1 (that's me) have congregated around the wounded Minion 3 who is still lying in a heap on the Consulate grounds underneath the window from which he fell. It looks pretty high up.
Minion 3, "...you guys suck."
Minion 1, "...yeeeeaahhh sorry about that one."
Minion 1, "But I gotta see who I'm up against real quick... gimme the run down, Dos."
Minion 2, "A bunch of people..."
Minion 1, "Names!"
Minion 2, "Qball!"
Minion 1, "What? I can't talk about him first. Shouldn't I save him for last?"
Minion 2, "Why?"
Minion 1, "Don't you lose if you don't throw him over the ropes last?"
Minion 3, "...idiot... that's pool... and that’s the 8 ball not the cue ball... dumbass..."
Minion 1, "Oh... yeah... anyways. Who's next?"
Minion 2, "Jeremy Cundiff"
Minion 1, "I think I saw him on TV... all riled up like the micromachine guy talking about something... is he on riddalin yet? It's like he's a little kid crying out for attention by saying everything and anything... nah... lying to the country is Michael Moore's job, next."
Minion 2, "John Reagan."
Minion 1, "Who?"
Minion 3, "...new kid... likes to... showboat around... stuff... yeah... god damnit... pain... everywhere."
Minion 1, "Showboat eh? Ok fine we can go Gilligan's island on this guy. We're gonna knock this guy from starboard to his portside and then kick him in his stern till the Clean Up Brigade can mop the poop deck with him. Anyone else?"
Minion 2, "...uhh... some weirdos and Nightmare."
Minion 1, "NIGHTMARE? Didn't we beat him out of UWA once already?"
Minion 3, "...yeaah."
Minion 1, "Cool... so... anyone know if Morelez is still alive?"
Minion Two shrugs at the question and that makes me mad. We've been trying to piss this guy off for over a month now and either the guy hasn't noticed or he has the patience of a Buddhist monk. My guess is the former and not the latter. However with that question aside Minions 2 and I then begin to pick up all the pieces of Minion 3 and drag his complaining form off into the night so that we can really begin forming a battle plan now that the power players of the week have been targeted. The scene FINALLY comes to and end and I thank God that it has finally come to an end. Maybe now I can raid the last of the remaining thanksgiving turkey still in the fridge? Anyone think that stuff is still good to eat? If you don't hear from me in a few days you know why! Food poisoning AHOY!