The Road To Salvation Act V Scene II: The Minions Strike Back

GOD I DIDN'T THINK THAT LAST PROMO WOULD EVER END! Have you ever been stuck in some sort of promotional advertisement and had no idea how the hell to end it? Like no matter what you do you just can't seal the deal? Maybe I'm just not a closer. Anyone here ever seen Glen Gary Glen Ross? It's a movie about business ethics or something... I forget everything but Ed Norton yelling... ALWAYS BE CLOSING! DAMNIT I GOTTA ALWAYS BE CLOSING! On that note I should probably get it together and let the audience know where I am through use of my patented inner monologue white italicized text. Always imitated never duplicated... well actually you could duplicate it... but you know you want it. But you can't have it, 'cause I said so. Times New Roman, font size 3, color=white, < Italics >. And that big red letter written in Arial? HA! All mine. All mine...

Minion 3, "You guys suck."

Yeah, he's holding a grudge. If you didn't watch the last promo cause of that funky intermission thing then you'd know Minion 2 and I kinda let him fall out of a window which was two stories high. Yeah that's not too high... He didn't break anything... at least he didn't break anything significant. But he does'nt have to be such a baby about it! I mean gee, boo hoo! Look at me, I fractured my tibula. What the heck is a tibia anyways? Ah well... we're in a taxi cab by the way. The damn thing says it's from the Yellow Cab Company but the car is painted orange... bastards...

Minion 3, "Really... you guys do. Suck I mean, you suck..."

Geeze! Enough with the complaining already. He's such a whiney wuss like that Cundiff guy. Or is it Cundriff? Cundirff? Is there an r in Cundiff? And how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? The world may never know 'cause I keep biting those damn things so I can chew the gum inside even though the flavor only lasts like a minute. I'll leave the philosophy to that animated owl, he seems to be on the ball, he just needs to stop hanging around that naked kid.

Minion 3, "You guys suck like Val Kilmer in the Saint..."

Minion 2, "WHOA NOW YOU HOLD IT RIGHT THERE MISTER!"

Minion 2, "VAL KILMER? IN THE SAINT?"

Minion 2, "Jumpin' Jiminy Cricket MAN! That's LOW!"

Minion 2, "You know that line he has in that movie about not having a name? Well I bet he wishes he didn't now that he did that movie... and what was the other one? Oh yeah BATMAN FOREVER... Gah... it's like the man just likes shoveling crap..."

Minion 2, "...and to think I used to think Iceman was cool..."

Minion 3, "Ok... ok... sorry..."

I'm not gonna bother with this whole deal... let him bitch. It's what all my opponents are doing, why shouldn't everyone just leap into same bandwagon and then say hey look at me! I'm strong! I'm better than you! I did this! You didn't do that! I can control the economy just look at my sexy supply and demand curves! Just beg for attention why don't you... and while you're all on your knees I got another job for you... But whatever... so where was I? Oh yeah that's right, we're in a cab. Minion 2 and I have window seats while Mr. Rainy Day's got dibs on the middle seat. He's the only one with the seat belt that only goes over his lap while Two and I got the real deal. We got the lap belt plus the shoulder strap. These things are grade A seatbelts. Pure protection. Now all we need is an accident and I can laugh at Three as he gets whip lashed from the neck down to his ass.

Minion 1, "Hey Cabbie!"

Cabbie, "Yeah, what you's want?"

Minion 1, "What's there to do in this dump?"

Cabbie, "Er? What's there to do in D.C?"

Minion 1, "Yeah I'm getting sick of hearing about Val Kilmer love fest in here..."

Minion 2, "TACOS!"

Cabbie, "Right... I gots an ideah..."

Tacos? I thought he was a French Toast Minion... the more things change the more... well I guess the more they change. Anyways... what's this random obsession about Val Kilmer about with these two? Was he in Fight Club? No. was he in Mr. & Mrs. Smith? No. He's no Brad Pitt, and as Stan Lee would say, 'nuff said. Anyways the cab driver dropped us off fairly quick at a place called the "Cantina Marina" near the waterfront. That's...
600 Water Street. SW
Washington, D.C.
...for all you MapQuest fans. The place didn't seem too bad. We got seated pretty quickly but I was fast wishing I had brought a thicker jacket since the entire place was outside. It should be fine as long as we don't stick around till it starts getting dark. Then it'll get freezing. Damn winter, why can't you be warmer like summer? Global warming my ass... I'm looking through the menu and I see Minion Two gravitate towards and begin to salivate because this place actually has a taco bar... cool. My line of thought is shattered as I hear the oddity of Carrie Fisher's recorded voice in tune with trumpets, drums, and some other instruments as a live band begins to perform..

-Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, You're my only hope-

I hadn't been paying attention to them earlier when the leader introduced what he calls "the band"... but now I'm all ears while Minion 2's jaw hangs down lax spilling taco meat at will. Minion 3 despite still being annoyed at the fact he is now relegated to a wheel chair is also paying attention and for the love of god... their both silent!

Her name was LeeaaAH!
She was a PRINcess!
With a danish on each ear and Darth Vader Drawing near...

So A2D2...
...found Ben Kenobi

-Obi-Wan-

He'd have to put the Death Star plans into the Rebellion's haands.

So Luke and Obi-Wan... had to get to ALL-DER-ANN!
So they stepped into Mos Eisley to have a drink with...
...HAN!
At the STAAR WARS
STAR WARS CAANtiiiina
The weirdest creatures you've ever Seen-AH!
At the Star Wars
Star Wars Caaaantiiiina
Music and blasters and old Jedi Masters at the STAAAR WARS....

"You guys ready for some drinks?"

Whoops, I was mesmerized by this strange Rat Pack Copacabana lounge singing song set to a star wars theme not to notice a waitress standing impatiently next to our table like a nervous jawa in a room full of rancors. Luckily Minion 2 is quick on the draw.

Minion 2, "I'll have a Sprite."

She looks towards Minion 3, I'm fumbling with the menu.

Minion 3, "Hmm... and I'll have a diet Mr. Pibb."

She looks towards me... I still haven't found the drinks section of this damn menu... ah what the hell, I've always wanted to say this. I put the menu down.

Minion 1, "I'll have a Sam Adams."

Waitress, "You're serious?"

Minion 1, "Course... it's always a good decision."

Minion 2, "I'll have a Sam Adams too."

Minion 3, "Me three."

Posers... that was my gag. Anyways the waitress just shakes her head at us and then scurries off to parts unknown while the singer whose name I've just over heard is named Richard Cheese. He's still going at it singing about star wars and stuff, when we came in here he was doing his version of "Down with the Sickness". But I can tell that I won't get to enjoy this because I can almost see the neurons firing behind Minion 2's eyes and I can tell that he's just gearing up for something, probably a dumb question.

Minion 2, "Ok, so what's the plan for Sunday?"

See what I mean? Why do I need game plan anyways? Why can't I just go in there and beat up people and cheat my ass off like every other time? My strategies aren't that hard to figure out, you don't need to be Einstien, you don't even need to be Marie Curie. One cookie to anyone who can tell me who she is without using google.

Minion 1, "What do ya' mean?"

Minion 2, "Everybody's shit talking already... you've barely mentioned anyone."

Minion 2, "Why should I? What match was ever decided by this prefight penis envy between wrestlers?"

Minion 2, "Did Doc ever win his matches from a speech in the Consulate? NO! He won 'em in the ring hurting people."

Minion 3, "Ok... so how are you gonna do that?"

Minion 1, "It can't be too hard can it?"

Minion 1, "Shit we got Qbert here hoppin' himself up on pills. That might help him eat up ghosts and random fruit in the maze but no Flintstones chewable is gonna get him through us."

Minion 3, "...thats pacman...qbert was the one with..."

Minion 1, "Doesn't matter!"

Minion 1, "Then theres CundiRff. Geeze does this guy have anything better to do than sit around and say whatever comes to mind for shock value? He's just like Steve-O, 'hey look at me! I'm here! Ddon't ignore me! I'll staple my balls to my legs!'"

Minion 1, "And of course there's Mr. Reagan. OOooh look at me! I'm bigger, faster, stronger than everyone else. What the hell? Does the Million Dollar Man write smack talk for this guy? I know he prolly needs work after his show got canceled all those years ago but geesh... I'm supposed to be afraid of a guy that has nothing better to do than talk about himself and how he's better than everyone? Shit I could just get that by watching Oprah."

Minion 2, "You still gotta fight them..."

Minion 1, "God don't remind me..."

Finally our brews get here. I take a swing and sit back and enjoy the music a little more. Seriously where do they find these people? Does UWA reserve booths for recruiting at Comic Conventions or something? I know we're supposed to be the comic relief and all but seriously this is just all too easy as Vader would say. And what's the reward for winning this? I get the chance to challenge the Burger King CEO for the World Title? Oh my god... it's worse than an episode of Tony Danza's Whose the Boss. There must be a God because thoughts of Tony Danza are wiped from my mind as I am once more engrossed in the lyrics of this song.

Darth Vader was so baaad and by the way he's Lukes dad.
Luke kissed his sister.[smooch]

His hand got cut off.

[luke screaming]
In that galaxy far far away Luke has had a lousy day.

This dude rocks. Star Wars Cantina by Richard Cheese. I can't find it on a CD of his but I know there are other... ways of getting music. That's right, you're watching a Koven Promo, the UWA stable that does NOT advocate stealing music over kazaa, kazaa-lite, emule, bit torrents, mIRC, iMESH, did I forget any of them? Who cares you got enough names to go steal it now. I take another gulp of my beer and frown at the taste... should have ordered a Corona... this was NOT a good decision.

Boba Fett was SO mean!

Jabba had BAD hygine!
Why couldn't they just relax back in TAT-TOO-IINE!

At the STAAR WARS
STAR WARS CAANtiiiina
The weirdest creatures you've ever Seen-AH!
At the Star Wars
Star Wars Caaaantiiiina
Music and blasters and old Jedi Masters at the STAAAR WARS....

Thanking the audience for their applause Richard Cheese and his band "Lounge Against the Machine" play a few more songs in their set before their ready to pack it up for the night. His versions of "Shake Your Ass" by some rapper... mighta been X-kal... and "Rock the Casbah" were my favorites. I'm shivering my ass off but thankfully all the Coronas I've ordered since and the over under is keeping me oblivious to the cold temperatures approaching freezing. I'm chillin with complete tunnel vision and but with quaking legs and buckling knees I manage to stagger over to the band and introduce myself to Richard Cheese for the hell of it. Why not? I've never heard anyone sing a star wars theme version of Dean Martin's Copacabana before have you? Point, set, match. Anyways the guy may be named dick but that doesn't mean he has to be one like all my opponents.

Richard Cheese, "Hey buddy, what's shakin? Me an the boys gotta split in 5 for a gig up in Baltimore on WHFS."

Minion 1, "Dude... that was awesome... neverrarrh... I neaver heard anything like thaat."

Richard Cheese, "Sounds' like ya had one too many kid, something wrong?"

Minion 1, "Aahh Tis these... jokers I'm fighin out in Ottawa to get a shot.. to get a shot... at the UWA World Title. Their just so... annoying."

Richard Cheese, "Don't let 'em get ya down ya see? If you're headin' to the top of UWA then you're the best around... these guy's aint gonna never keep you down, got it? See ya in Vegas kid..."

With that piece of sage like advice Lounge Against the Machine vacates the Cantina Marina and Minions One through Three whom are still remaining are how freezing as nightfall has finally come to pass. What am I doing? Well if this were a comic book I think this would be one of those moments where a light bulb would just appear over my head and blink on as a revelation slams into me faster than Qball's archive can bore me.

Minion 1, "I'm... the best..."

Minion 2, "whazzat?"

Totally unsure of what it was Minion 2 was trying to communicate to me in just that moment I just take him by the arm and yank him over towards Minion 3. We're leaving. A quick sign of a check we're back on the streets of D.C. trying to find a cab driver that speaks fluent English enough to get us to Reagan...err... Regan International Airport. The last thoughts that go through my mind before the feed cuts out on this promo is hoping to God that we didn't waste too much time trying to get to Morelez a second time cause it looks like he's prolly already in a coma and collapsed in some middle American ditch south of Idaho. That'll teach them for putting him in the mid-card and keeping me as the curtain jerker for a whole month.
~fin~