The Road To Salvation Act VI: Rilo and the Magical Unicorn Festival

AH, YES THAT'S BETTER. Had this been a televised spot of the Doc Placebo variety we would have beyond a shadow of a doubt seen it open somewhat like this. The scene opens to a large room, within it you see many things, of those many things and details to which are outlined for you allowing you to create a picturesque visual image within your mind's eye the scene would slowly be outlined for you. No doubt. But this is a Minion televised spot so unfortunately all of the grandeur and ardor I do possess while sitting in this ornate black leather chair propositioned next to a crackling fire place while I sit here comfortably within a black bath robe with a cursive yellow "#1" embroidered on it just above my heart, slippers, red satin pants, and lastly but not leastly my hand which clutches onto the end of my bubble fun time pipe which always makes me feel like Sherlock Holmes whenever I place it into my mouth and blow bubbles out of it while acting all seriously will go completely unnoticed by you because there is no third person narrative to explain it all to you...
...wait...
...AW FUCK YOU!

Minion 1, "Ah, there you are..."

I puff a little air through my lungs which travels into my esophagus after which before mentioned air thusly transverses into my mouth and then capitalizes on the final step of it's short but oh so monumentally swift journey by roving through my mouth and lips and through the plastic mouthpiece of the toy pipe before being exhaled and expelled upwards into the atmosphere encased within the confines of a quite captivating little bubble.

Minion 1, "My name is Minion 1, and welcome... to the Konclave. I'll be your host this evening as we begin on yet another adventurous romp throughout the various delights which oh so gleefully fascinates the many facets of my newly acquired audience's mind."

Minion 1, "A lot of people didn't think I could make it this far... well to them. I say bah! Bah Humbug!"

Yes, that short jab referencing the works of Charles Dickens ought to set them straight. Yes, I nod in silent approval to myself and then tarry on forthwith with my expository dialogue which is so desperately needed for any viewers whom had not yet had the pleasure to begin enjoying the various escapades of Minions 3, 2 and also myself, 1, prior to viewing this very piece here.

Minion 1, "In any event who would have thought we would have ever defeated yet ANOTHER hall of famer..."

Minion 3 whom is playing around with a slinky just slightly off camera looks at me in confusion and mouths the word "who" to me so that it would not be recorded by many recording devices capturing my image and voice here next to this crackling fireplace. My brow furrows... how he could forget completely dumfounds my intellectual faculties... as he was in indeed a participating member in that very same match! I yell at him.

Minion 1, "Giri FUTAI you BASTARD!"

Minion 1, "We beat Giri Futai..."

Minion 3, "We did not!"

For those who did not catch on to the little formatting change there his text was off center because he is indeed off camera and therefore... not < center > but in actuality left.

Minion 1, "Well who did we beat then to get into the world title scene?"

Minion 3, "Kenji Yamamoto!"

Minion 1, "Who?"

Minion 3, "He was..."

Minion 1, "I don't care, UWA does not care, Santa Claus does not care... I'll bet little Giri Yamamoto only wishes he could have his job back for Christmas, fuck his two front teeth. I already knocked those out."

I regain my composure and with my composure regained I am once more composed.

Minion 1, "However..."

Minion 1, "As I, Minion 1, do have some level of class to maintain as I am representing the Koven in this week’s Rampage..."

Minion 1, "So Ladies, Gentlemen, Minions, and Jeremy Cundriff... I am pleased to announce that yes..."

Minion 1, "Pigs CAN fly"

Minion 1, "Hell has indeed FROZEN OVER..."

Minion 1, "Becuase I..."

Minion 1, "...am your future World Champion."

Minion 1, "And as you all snuggle warmly around your television sets to enjoy the latest of our misadventures while warming yourselves by the fire drinking a glass of egg nog or popping a few pills of E with that special someone, I'd like to wish you all a very happy Kwanza."

Minion 1, "Thank you UWA..."

bubble! bubble!

I blow some more bubbles from my toy pipe, they amuse me.

Minion 1, "Thank you, and good night."

Through the use of special effects and a various cadre of editors the scene in which I was just speaking dissolves around me and we are whisked away as not unlike Alice falling down the rabbit hole for we too are brought to another scene. Although this place is not too wonderful, we are inside a silver civic although you cannot possibly see the color cause you can only see an angle just ahead of me looking backwards. I'm driving. Minion 2 is next to me, 3 is in the back all by himself in the middle seat. Anyone popping any pills just a second ago might see that floating cat just above Minion 2's head locked in mortal combat with a tag team of Cobra Commander & Destro from Cobra, the evil organization bent on taking over the world. But unfortunately the only thing swelling through my blood stream right now is hunger... or maybe that's my stomach. Either way it's not good. I don't know biology. I wish I could see the floating cat...

 rumble! rumble! rumble!

Minion 1, "God I'm hungry..."

My stomach refuses to quiet down, which is thankfully much unlike my rivals this week. As I checked around for any of them shooting off their mouths I found nothing stirring, not even a mouse. Although that might be because Doc hasn't paid the satellite TV bill for the Konclave in months. The mansion was abandoned after the Koven was disenfranchised earlier this year following his retread which leaves me at a loss. Erica wants us to lay low... but how am I gonna know what my opponents are saying about me if I can't watch TV? Do they still show news reels at theaters? Nah... that was like... the twenties... or before that... what were times called before the twenties anyways? The tens? The single digits? Anyways... I'm hungry. Not yet cannibal hungry, but the steering wheel in my grip is looking tastey for rubber.

Minion 1, "Anybody see any good places to eat yet?"

Minion 2, "There was... a Crackerbarrel back there..."

Minion 1, "A WHAT?"

Damn this place is in the middle of nowhere. I'd never eat in a place called the "Crackerbarrel". Stupid people. Becuase a barrel full of crackers sounds just SOooooo appetizing that I want to stop in the restaurant of the same name and see what they would happen to have on their menu? Right... and pigs can fly... oh wait... I already said they could. It's already pitch black dark and it's only 5 pm. Since we're so far away from what I would consider the civilized world since I hail from the Washington D.C. metro area I'm in a sort of trance whenever my eyes divert upwards to the vast blanket of stars unfolding in the sky above my civic. It's a sight I usually never see, all that polluted air and those glaring city lights... I miss the sign.

Minion 3, "FOOD!"

Minion 1, "What, when, where, & how?"

Thought I was going for the whole 5 W's huh? Well "why" would have been as Doc would have said that it was "quite superfluous in this instance" as we already know the why, I'm hungry you idiot.

Minion 1, "SIGN! Fooooooooooood! Preeeecciousssssss"

Minion 1, "Huh?"

Oh damn that's right. We were doing some scouting on Rilo earlier so we rented the extended edition of Peter Jackson's Return of the King. Three has been imitating Gollum ever since. But we never did exactly figure out how to defeat Mr. Wizard, is it even alright to call Rilo Mr. Wizard? The guy's dead now and Rilo prolly doesnt know half the science in that dude's little toe nail... or Bill Nye the Science Guy's pancreas. I knew we should have just gone with my idea in stead... ah well, we'll save that for NEXT week.

Minion 2, "WHAT food, what was it?"

Minion 3, "A fish! To catch a fish! A FISHES! Hobbitses... they STOLE IT!"

Minion 2, "Dude, he's dead to the world, let's just take this exit coming up."

We take route 803 going to some God forsaken little town and I let loose a small sigh for it is worse than I expected. Sheetz... bleh. If we stop there we'll definitely get the sheetz alright. But that's not what has sunk my heart so far into my chest that I'm certain that it is currently swimming within the empty confines of my stomach which was so longing for something that it could digest without killing me. It's a damn Burger King. The domain of the once mighty sorceror Rilo. The man who defeated Doc Placebo for the Hardcore Title... wait... that's right... nobody wanted that damn belt. Nightmare and Hova wouldnt even fight for it. Cowards. Now all the sudden it matters to him once he changes his name to Jimmy Neutron or Jason Myers... or whatever. I pull into the drive through at the Burger King and I roll down the menu as I look at the menu...

Minion 2, "What the shit are we doing here? I wanted to eat, not get constipated. We might as well go to KFC!"

Minion 1, "See any around?"

Minion 2, "....no."

Minion 1, "I don't get it... why the hell does Rilo give a flying monkey about this place? The only thing on this menu I recognize is the damn Whopper."

Minion 1, "You guys getting anything?"

Minion 2, "err..."

Minion 3, "Hobbitsies..."

Minion 1, "Let's ask him."

Minion 1, "Huh?"

Minion 1, "Come on it'll be fun!"

I nudge the gas slightly and the civic lists forward bringing me side to side with that annoying speaker phone intercom whatever device allowing me to speak to some exploited workers who can cook food for me.

Burger King Worker, "Hello, welcome to Bugerking would you like to try a combo meal?"

Minion 1, "Uhh... no, we want to speak to Rilo."

Burger King Worker, "Huh?"

Minion 1, "Rilo! You got him, we want him!"

Burger King Worker, "He aint here man."

Minion 1, "That's BULLSHIT! I know you got him back there makin mystic burgers and stuff... prolly with Ms. Cleo workin the grill."

Burger King Worker, "Dude! I've never even seen the guy!"

Minion 2, "He's not missin much... I'll bet Rilo got his start in the Unicorn City Magical Wrestling Federation."

Minion 1, "The WHAT? Ah who cares!"

Actually I do care, it's retarded. Want to see the place, here you go. http://myweb.nmu.edu/~lsiren/ucmwf/index.html Thier show is called the Monday Night Rainbow! And if you think that sucks why don't you log onto Roughkut and check the list of feds alphabetically. Yeah, thats right, you see it now. Thier beating us... 95 people went to that place and only 50 people went to UWA. Now don't we all feel like shit? Enjoy.

Minion 1, "Why does a sorcerer work for this place?"

Burger King Worker, "I dunno..."

Minion 1, "THATS WHY! We got a match with this guy and it doesn't make sense! I mean shit... shouldn't he be raiding some dungeon looking for the silver key or something? GAH! What's he need a whooper jr. for? It can't get him to level 4-1, you need a warp pipe for that... I think, its been a long time since Mario. Actually I have no idea where those damn pipes take you..."

Burger King Worker, "Who the hell are you guys?"

Minion 1, "Minions 1, 2 and sometimes 3, at your service."

Burger King Worker, "And you got a match against Rilo..."

Minion 1, "That's a fact."

Burger King Worker, "Huh... Well I remember you guys... and Doc... I used to watch TPW. Him and Amos Copperblade fucked up their tag champs... but we don't get UWA out here. RageTV is on those upper channels past TNT and ESPN 2."

Minion 1, "Shit..."

Burger King Worker, "So you guys want anything?"

Minion 1, "Uhh..."

Amos Copperblade... hahahaha. Funny. Nobody here is gonna get that reference minus 2. Damn this guy for mentioning TPW, I thought the last 12,423 showers I've taken since we left that place had finally made me feel clean again after being in that company. But I just got an idea... I order a whole lot of food. Whoppers, Double Whoopers, Whoppers Jr... hey do they have Double Whoppers? I don't know. But I ordered it anyways, and I'm still talking my head off ordering shit that I don't even know about when I give the signal to Minion 3 who giggles and says something about High Elves in trees with coconuts. The writing style of this promo quickly changes from the First person to the third with a quick dissolve and switch of scenery into the interior of Burgerking. There we see several employees are working frantically to fulfill the gigantic orders which Minion One had just requested when the Minion's civic pulls past the drive through window. Both of the windows are down on this side of the car and Minion 1 and 2 are laughing their ass off whole Minion 3's ass is hanging out of his back window mooning the burger king workers.

Minion 1, "KING SIZE THAT BITCH!"

The civic speeds away and a half naked Minion 3 collapses face first in the backseat of the civic while Placebo's thralls make their uncanny escape. The scene itself goes dark and comes to an abrupt end.

~fin~