The Road To Salvation Act VII: Chinese Fortune Cookies
Waiter, "More water?"
Minion 3, "Please."
That's another thing I love about this place; their always on top of things here. You can't possibly drink half of your glass of water before they send their militia of well trained waiters to fill it up again. This place was just what the Doctor ordered to calm my nerves. As if facing a Hall of Famer and the wrath of my master Doc Placebo were not enough... But anyways we always sit here whenever we're commuting through. It's the only place within 30 miles north or south of a little town called Thurmont. You wouldn't know but you've seen the town before. It's where all the reporters stay whenever thier covering the President during his trips to Camp David. That's a little place on the other side of a small College... err... University called Mount Saint Mary's.
[At least my teeth stopped chattering for now.]
I take in the last spoonful of Wonton soup and slurp it down. My once frozen body now feels like a fire has been lit within in it thanks to this awesome soup... hopefully it's not heartburn. I push my now empty bowl out of the way and make a feeble attempt at starting up conversation.
Minion 1, "So... two... what did you get?"
Minion 1, "Hrrmm?... Graaaghhh!"
I'd have thought he would have learned not to try to talk with his mouth full by now. A torrent of Wonton broth flows forth from his mouth like a waterfall. I think our waiter is visibly perturbed. At least I think that's what he is. It's been a while since I've used that word, I don't think I've ever even seen it written out in the English language previously. It's kind of a high class way of saying he's pissed off. Minion 3 hurriedly rushes Two a pile of napkins and the Second Minion goes about cleaning his mess muttering something to himself as he toils. Minion Three interjects.
Minion 3, "I think he ordered the Sweet and Sour Pork... and I got the General Tso's Chicken. What did you order?"
Minion 3, "Hunan chicken."
Minion 2, "fucking goddamn soup..."
Minion 3, "Cool."
Minion 1, "Ya know somebody told me people aren't using that word so much anymore..."
Minion 3, "Hunan chicken?"
Minion 1, "Nah not that... 'cool' it's apparently going out of style!"
Minion 2, "cool... ha! That word was sooo www.lastyear.com."
We both stop talking and just look at Minion 2 who is still mopping up his mess with a glob of napkins. It takes him a few seconds till he realizes we're staring at him and he shrinks back in his booth a little bit while focusing more on his cleaning. Seriously where is he picking up these lines from? I don't think he can read.
Minion 3, "So Boss, what's the game plan?"
Minion 1, "A strategy?"
Minion 3, "Yeah."
Minion 1, "I got nothin'."
Minion 3, "WHAT?!"
Minion 1, "Look we came here looking for Jang Yang! He was going to be in the Koven until his gig in UWA fell apart... something about 'The Real UWA'... UWA's failed attempt at reality tv."
Minion 3, "Yeah I know all about it... but where is he?"
Minion 2, "The Omega only knows..."
Minion 1, "And now I got Rilo AND Doc breathing down our necks..."
Minion 3, "What's up with that guy... Hall of Famer... World Champion... Sorcerer... Burger King Sellout... and his great strategy for beating you this week is to tatty tale to Doc?"
Minion 1, "Gandalf woulda done better."
Minion 1, "The Sorceress from He-Man woulda done better! She's got all the powers of Gray Skull afterall... but Damn! My Blue Mage from Gauntlet Legends on the N64 can do better!"
Minion 2, "Blue wizard needs food badly!"
Minion 2, "Psssh!"
Minion Two puts down his saturated napkins and picks up his spoon and shakes it threateningly at me.
Minion 2, "Blue wizard is about to die..."
Minion 2, "Whatever Sumner... but I seriously think Rilo's just having a hissy fit because of that whole Magical Unicorn City Festival Wrestling Federation or whatever we found last week."
Minion 2, "Like... uh... totally. He's gotta be worried if he is gonna resort to backstabbing to beat up a Minion."
Minion 2, "Maybe he just lacks self confidence."
Out of the corner of my eye I see it. One of the most beautiful sights I've beheld in days. A tray filled with culinary delights to which my tastebuds will pay homage for weeks to come. Hunan Chicken, Sweet and Sour Pork, General Tso's Chicken (although I would have gone for Orange Chicken myself... and who was General Tso? Who ever he was he has a lot of chicken.) and more rice than I've seen in months! But that piping hot and steaming pile of cooking wonderment approaching me is not the only thing that I notice... the waiter... I think that's our mark. The man who was gonna help us defeat Rilo... I nudge Minion 3 who is sitting next to me and nod towards our target. He nods in acknowledgement, that's him, a positive ID. Now to test him. With one hand balancing the entire tray with our orders the man of Chinese decent speaks.
????, "Who ordered the Hunan chicken?"
That's me. I raise my hand in response and as he hands me my plate I feel a shooting pain through my stomach as I intentionally drop the dish. The waiter's eyes widen as the food threatens to fall onto the floor and with unexpected grace the restaurant attendant does not reach for the falling entry with his hand but instead catches it with his left foot. It is caught as easily as a professional soccer player might catch a ball or a high school kid from the nineties with a hacky sack!
YHAA!
A quick short kick of the leg and the waiter sends the fallen plate flying onto the table with an amazing degree of accuracy. I just wish he didn't look so pissed... maybe we should have just asked what his name was...
Jang Yang, "Damn you three... I knew you were coming here. I still watch UWA even though they cut me."
Minion 1, "Huh?"
Jang Yang, "What you don't think I don't follow the careers of the only other Koven members UWA let in?"
Jang Yang, "If it wasnt for you I'd be wrestling in that Allaince now... instead of being here. Not enough peope on the roster to commit for a Kovenant return Doc said."
Minion 2, "Weak!"
Minion 3, "You're not missing much... it's not like we got a shot in the world title scene anyways... almost all the UWA main eventers are bald these days."
Minion 3, "Jang... sorry man for all that. We didnt know we would even be in this long. We had a mission. Erica put a hit out on Morelez and that was all we were going to do... now that we're in this spot Doc is forcing us to compete... and we need your help."
Jang Yang, "This should be good..."
He listens to my story as he passes out our food. He listens to how we've fought our way through a misguided Samurai Ninja combination then through half of the UWA roster and then took the beating of our UWA careers in a lousy handicap match. He listens, but unfortunately he doesn't offer up much. He gets pissed off when we ask him if he knows any Chinese Black Magic like in the movie Big Trouble in Little China. Minion Three swore to me up and down that that movie was a documentary... he's such a dumbass. Now if it had been Highlander... then I would have believed him. Unfortunately although he was a keen listener he offered little advice. Instead of simply handed us a single fortune cookie to tide us over till the show simply saying, "You might need it". After that he takes his leave of us and the scene fades to a quick transition to Doc Placebo where he is sitting in the chair where we last left him. I doubt he's been sitting there since last week but he is resting within the same chair while wearing his regular business casual attire. His attention is centered on his Spanish Rapier which is unsheathed and resting in his lap, he is cleaning the blade of the weapon with piece of black fabric.
Doc Placebo, "Well... this week was an eye opener for me to be sure."
Doc Placebo, "Not only did a former tag partner of mine make his first phone call but he also informed me that Erica had been running the Minions in my stead."
Doc Placebo, "A tragedy no doubt... but her heart was in the right place."
The fabric that Doc has been using to clean smudges off of his sword blade is now clearly visable and any member of the UWA viewing elite with a keen eye for detail would instantly recognize it as the same nighty that Erica had last been seen wearing. Placebo continues to clean while he addresses UWA and his slave's opponents.
Doc Placebo, "Can you imagine it? A Freedom Morelez defeat at the hands of my Minions?"
Doc Placebo, "What could be sweeter?"
Doc Placebo, "Alas, some Christmas gifts are not to be opened."
Doc Placebo, "But I shall be at Riegn... the sight of my Minions vying for the World Title is too much to miss."
Doc Placebo, "The only choice I have to make now is whose side do I pick? A former Tag Team partner... or... my slave army?"
Doc Placebo, "But before I see you tomorrow Rilo remember this."
Doc Placebo, "You may be from another world...
...but this world, is MINE!"
With that little public service announcement from the one and only Doctor Placebo the scene is once again focused on my antics. I'm driving and my plan failed. Fuck. I wanted to fight magic with magic but only found out that that John Carpenter movie was just all movie magic. Maybe I won't need magic I tell myself. Yeah, I might not. It took a hell of a lot of power for Rilo and Spitfly to take me down last week and Rilo wasn't even the one to put me away. It was Spitfly. Of course that makes sense. It takes a Minion to stop a Minion... but I can't possibly hate on that match. It was a Koven reunion minus Doc Placebo of course. Spitfly and I were founding members followed quickly by Rilo himself. I'm certain I felt a pang of nostalgia there... or maybe it was my ego getting sucked down my small intestine. Regardless of the fact I'm cold, and my teeth are chattering.
. . .chatter. . .
[But sometimes your teeth need to chatter.]
Like now. This place is freezing, but it's not the cold. Minions 2 and 3 have all the windows down and the AC is blasting and the bastards are back there in the back seats trying to outlast the other. How do they even determine who outlasts the other? None of them ever give up. Stubborn I guess. Or maybe they just know how to take a severe ass kicking. We certainly got experience.
[I opened that fortune cookie... the damn thing was blank.]
I threw the damn thing onto the civic's floor in disgust. A blank fortune cookie... that sucks. What do I not have a future? Or is it just not worth printing?
[Then it hit me. It doesnt matter. Magic cookies dont shape my future.]
[I do.]
. . .chatter chatter chatter. . .
[But that doesnt mean I'm not in some deep shit.]
[Real deep shit.]
Chattering teeth and full of fear I drive onward. I'm not afraid of Rilo. I'm afraid of tomorrow. Tomorrow I face the chance to accomplish something Doc has done in his life. The consequences are unknown to me if I succeed, and the same if I fail. I don't know what to do... but try to get out of all this shit.