Die, Just Die
"BOO!"
Minion 1, "GAH!"
The lights come on and just a few feet away from me laughing his ass off is Minion 3 next to the light switch. I give the little bastard a cold stare beneath my veil of cobwebs covering my head.
Minion 3, "Ewww... what the hell man?"
Minion 1, "I dunno... I just walked into it. This shit is all over this place... it looks like nobody comes here anymore."
It looks like nobody comes here anymore. Shit... I'm repeating myself in my thoughts. Is that a bad thing? Probably. But who cares? I'm talking to an imaginary audience inside my mind right now so who gives a fuck? I'm obviously certifiable. Now, before I get too side tracked I'm going to give all those figments of my imagination listening to the inner thoughts coursing through my mind a little idea of where we are. Take a look over my left shoulder. See that? No... You CANT... cause your not real. HA! Stupid figments. Anyways... I can see it even if you cant. That sign there behind that big desk... anybody whose not a figment of my imagination might happen to recognize it as the UWA logo... and if you got that far you might also deduce through careful logic that Minion 3 and I happen to be inside UWA's Corporate Headquarters. More specifically we're in the lobby. Hold on a sec, Minion 3's lips are moving and I just know he's about to interrupt my chain of thought so... Minion 3 about to say something in...
...Three...
...Two...
One...
Minion 3, "Hey..."
Climatic wasn't it?
Minion 1, "What?"
Minion 3, "Where's Two?"
Minion 1, "What do you mean... he's right... aww fug nuggets."
He was right here! RIGHT HERE! We all entered this damn building together and now he's gone. Just like that! We've only been in here for like 5 minutes. He can't have gone far. I see Minion 3 try and press the elevator buttons but nothing. The power's off. Just like UWA's ratings. Oooooh Burned! Anyways... I catch a gleam of light shining briefly through a door that is slightly ajar, investigating further I see it is the stairs and lo and behold several floors up there is a light on. I turn to Minion 3...
Minion 1, "I think its time for some detective work."
Minion 3, "Batman style."
Minion 1, "And how! Gonna get this done."
We start sneaking up the stairs calling upon all of our ninja stealth techniques learned through years of playing Ninja Gaiden. And I'm not talking about that pussy Xbox version. No I'm talking hardcore NES Ninja Gaiden break your damn thumb off just beating the boss Tiny in Ninja Gaiden. Minion 3 whispers and breaks the silence as we continue to slink upwards skillfully towards the sight of the light.
Minion 3, "Hey One."
Minion 1, "Yeah?"
Minion 3, "What's up with you?"
Minion 1, "Uhh... I'm like, tryin' to be stealthy."
Minion 3, "No man... like... seriously pissed off about something..."
Minion 1, "What would I have to be pissed about?"
Minion 1, "Could it have been the fact that Doc was so pissed UWA took it's sweet time to answer the International Incident's challenge and could only field the guy's to face II until Dahrkov had made separate plans?"
Minion 1, "Could it have been when UWA denied Trinatas membership by ignoring his application?"
Minion 1, "Or maybe it was that little bitch Doc X backing out of my match with him. Yeah that’s the one. Passing up a match with me to get his ass kicked by some has been. Such a waste of my time."
Minion 3, "Ok... point. But you got Gorgadore now..."
Minion 1, "Oh that makes it ALLLLL better, I got Mr. Fancy Pants XWPA-TNT World Taco Champion. He's faster than a locomotive and just as dumb as one too."
Minion 1, "Is giving a little whiney kid to me instead of Doc X gonna sit will with Placebo? I don't think so! He's going to be enraged that I didn't crush X. And on top of that I have to listen to this emo kid's whining about how he's not being treated well on UWA's last show. Like I give a fuck! Oh no, little Andy isn't happy. Too bad, he should grow some fucking balls."
Minion 3, "Or a brain cell... I think he actually said we were independent of Placebo & Erica... yeah... that like NEVER happened... what is up with this guy anyway? Does he just make stuff up and then say it on television like he's actually commenting on something that happened and not something from his little dreamland?"
Minion 1, "Maybe... shhh... look up there."
You know I think I feel better now. Just had to vent out all my frustrations about being forced back into UWA for this last show and BAM! Good as new. I could care less if Andy Gorgadore is a little whiney bastardized pupil of Gorgon now. Some things are best left forgotten. Actually I think after this week I'll give myself a few concussions just to make sure this is all left forgotten... But now you imaginary fiends need to know what's going on again. Right now Minion 3 and I just used our amazing stealth skills and reached the 5th floor completely undetected. However... as we move onto this floor and our gaze shifts into the old UWA break room we are not greeted with the plesant view of tables, chairs, that fridge with Mikey Hell's picture on it with him surrounded by undead demon dogs, and the soda machine that only let you buy diet dr. pepper... no. That sight of pleasantry is now gone.
Minion 1, "Holy fuck."
I hush Minion 3 from speaking any further... this is now officially a fucked up situation. Inside the old break room Minion 2 is tied up. We can only see this because the room is lit by candles. About 500 candles. The place is like an inferno of an uncountable number of tiney flames... oh ok so they are countable... like I said... 500. Anyways... what's freakier than that? Maybe it's the 3 guys in robes. One guy's robe is made out of an American flag, another is dirty and looks like it was never washed, and the third has diamonds engraved along the waist in the shapes of dollar signs. Rounding out the freakfest is the gigantic golden idol of former UWA World Champion Rage. The golden statue of him has him resting his right hand on the World Title around his waist while his right arm is raised in front of him while a an eagle is patriotically perched on his for arm. There are also hundreds of pictures of Rage scattered across the room... strangely enough the picture of Mikey Hell is still up.
Minion 1, "Dude I think I'm gonna hurl."
Those freakish dudes in robes start to speak. Or at least the one in dirty clothing does.
"Oh Mighty One, master of the Code Red."
"Your UWA is in peril, your rule is questioned, your throne... unclaimed. Your land needs you. UWA needs its HERO!"
"With this sacrifice we will pray for your return our Champion! For a new CODE RED RIEGN!"
Umm... the shit? These fuckers are gonna kill Two... and resurrect RAGE? Cripes no. That dude in the dirty robe raised his hands and fell to his knees before the Golden Rage. Three is gagging and trying to keep his food down just as the other two robes pull out some knives in preparation for the kill.
Bllaaaarggghh! Bleehhh... neeeh..."
Minion 3 hurls, the robes turn about...
Leader, "INTRUDERS! Identify yourselves!"
Minion 3, "Exsqueeze me? Who the hell are you guys?"
Leader, "Who are we? WHO ARE WE? Tell them... ROLL CALL!"
The guy with the diamonds removes the hood of his robe.
Da Gangsta, "I am the most powerful man in UWA history, Da Gangsta. I once gave a man a machine gun with 9999 rounds of ammunition to fight the police. Only I possess such technology, you are feeble compared to my bling and powers of engineering... yo... yo, yo, yo."
The guy with the flag robe takes off his hood...
Mr. America, "I am Mr. America, the most patrioticist American ever, period."
Wasn't he like... the Patriot? Or something? I dunno... his name is disputed...anyways that dude with the dirty robe de-hoods now.
The Hippie, "I am the Hippie! Scourge to Kevin Cosmos and true Ruler of UWA! I am the most powerfulest of the three most dangerest people you see before you. UWA couldn't take us on... so they cast us out. I got SHOT in my first appearance on UWA TV DAMNIT... you didn't care, cause I'm that powerful... yeah... But NOW WE RULE! And our master to whom we've pledged our service... RAGE! WILL RULE! UWA IS OURS WITH THE DEATH OF YOUR FRIEND!"
Minion 1, "I don’t think so Bacon Bits, your going down."
The Hippie, "Oh I don't think so..."
Minion 1, "Uh... I do."
The Hippie, "Do not!"
This is stupid. I punch him in the face.
BIFF!
Mr. America and Gangasta bum rush us. America runs straight into an eye poke from Minion 3.
BAMF!
I just backhand the ghetto weapons engineer.
ZOMG!
The Hippie, "Curse you minions! Curse you!"
For those of you that don't get the reference... that was an homage to the old Adam West Batman. Anyways... we untie Minion 2 but we leave the gag on him because honestly I'd rather not listen to him talk right now. Minion 3 and kicking the three robe dudes while their down. This shit just pisses me off. These freaks. It's time to bury the past, the three of us get on our way but I stomp my foot on Hippie's head before leaving and utter the words made famous by Kevin Cosmos, Hall of Famer, Kovenant Legend...
Minion 1, "GO TO HELL HIPPIE!"
We left them there. In the UWA break room with their golden Rage idol to worship. We thought it was best that way. At least they would have a friend. But I had to get the hell out of there. Just being around that Hippie bastard made me want to shower. It's only a few days till I become a UWA Legend... maybe there's a Dennys nearby...