Wide Right Productions

Dan, Zimbu, Vince, and Munro

"If it's no good, you know it's Wide Right"

#2

Hello again bounders of adventure. We here at Wide Right Productions want to start out by saying happy holidays to all of our friends. May you have a terrific holiday season that will hopefully be entirely free of alcohol, violence, and exploding poultry. And now I will turn it over to our sports analysts.

Salutations sports fans, Zimbu here. I'd like to start off our sports section by congratulating Ron Obvious of Neaps End. Ron recently got himself in the Guinness Book of World Records by becoming the first man to eat an entire Anglican Cathedral. Congratulations, Ron, and hope you regain full control of your bladder soon. Now I'd like to share with you my AL East predictions for the 1998 baseball season.

East
Baltimore Orioles
several mildly disturbed otters
a pack of hungry but respectable emus
mutated lobsters from East Prussia
Boston Red Sox

Look for more stunningly accurate predictions in the next installment. And now, on to today's main event. We are here with some of the top-notch professors in the country and will be conducting a phone-in, giving you the chance to get some of those questions that have been nagging you answered. Todays subject is: Baseball. So dont be shy, and call in with any questions you have pertaining to baseball.

Caller 1: Hello. Could you please tell me the role of the oxen in the medieval agrarian open-farming system?
Zimbu: Professor Niggerbaiter?
Professor N: I believe what the caller is asking is, specifically, what the role of the oxen
was. And in this case, the answer is quite simple. The oxen was used by the earliest American
settlers, so I think we can safely say that a cheese press is a device used for the compression of cheese curd.
Zimbu: Thank you, Professor. Next?
Caller 2: Is Vic there?
Zimbu: Professor?
Professor N: I believe the question here is whether or not Vic is here. And, to my knowledge, Vic isn't here, so she'll have to try again later.
Caller 3: Has he come 'round again?
Professor N: Well, since Vic was never here, he simply could not have come 'round again. It's a simple case of non-presence.
Caller 3: I'll kill him. Is he down at the pub?
Zimbu: I'm sorry, only one question per caller.
Caller 4: Hello. I was wondering if you could tell me the probability of the entire Boston Red Sox pitching rotation being traded to a Mr. Juan Rodriguez of Mexico for a pack of irate mules.
Zimbu: I'm sorry, we only want questions about baseball.
Zimbu: I'm afraid that's all we have time for this week, but tune in next week for another exciting episode involving snakes, vaseline, a mennonite youth group, and fat german businessmen pretending to be acrobats.

And now, from the Institute of Shameless Plagiarism, we have the "quotes of the week".

"The wolf will devour the apricot when the flying rooster sleeps" -an old chinese proverb

"I'm sick and tired of being told that ordinary decent people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am." -anonymous

"Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and- wait, wait that's not right- you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill- hold on a sec- just forget it , ok?!"- President Clinton attempting to make a witty insult at a frat party with excessive quantities of alcohol and mind-altering chemicals available.