Wide Right Productions

Dan, Zimbu, Vince, and Munro

"If it's no good, you know it's Wide Right"

#4

Yes we're back again hearty bounders of adventure. Yes, it's hard to believe, but you are currently holding yet another fun-filled paper from the folks at WRP. First on today's agenda, it's

THE ADVENTURES OF MR. EGGBEATER HEAD

Part 1: Mr. Eggbeater Head participates in serious criminal activity

Mr. Eggbeater Head was lounging quietly in the living room when, out of nowhere, he heard a blood-curdling shriek, and, when he raced to the scene, he found, lying on the floor, his wife with what appeared to be her hair lodged in a flaming toaster. As he turned from this gruesome scene, he heard the far-off cry of a damsel in distress. As he raced in to the distressed maiden's house, he saw her chained to an armchair. "WHOA," he thought to himself, "That is some damsel. What I wouldn't give to *** *** *** ******* *** **** ***. ***** *** *** crowing like a rooster *** ********* ** ** ******* ********* ketchup and rutabagas." "I'll be right back," he said, and our hero made a quick stop at the drugstore, where he ********* contraceptives *** ** all-rubber jumpsuit. "I'm back" he exclaimed as he raced through the door, and right away he ripped off her ******* *** **** *** *** **** ******* ** *** ***.

Tune in next time for part 2- "Mr. Eggbeater Head gets drunk and ****** * ***."

And now for the top 5 songs of the year:

5) "Feels So Good" by Shultz and Brian the Perverted Wonder Twins
4) "I Like Traffic Lights" by Frankie the Human Sperm
3) "Got My Mojo Workin' " by Johnny and the Radioactive Nipples of Evil
2) "Down Boy" by Boyce and the Hormones
1) "The Tapeworm's a' comin" by Timmy Tweezer and the Picnic Tables

And now, a science/history lesson, from Historian Harold:

Today's lesson is gravity. Gravity was invented in 1546 when Sir Isaac "Fig" Newton and Juan Ponce de Leon (literally, John Punched the Lion) collaborated to conduct a series of experiments in which they would take various types of fruit and vegetables and launch them from fifth-story windows. They found that, astonishingly, no matter what size, shape, or type of fruit or vegetable was thrown, it always made one hell of a mess, so they had to stop conducting experiments in the city and moved to Walden Pond, where, after two years of highly introspective meditation, they were eaten by turtles. Or maybe that was someone else. Now, I know you're asking, "but Harry, what about the role of the plow in the settlement of Nebraska?" Well, let's just say that our motto here at WRP is "to hell with the role of the plow in the settlement of Nebraska."

Tune in next time for an in-depth analysis of the Treaty of Ghent, or maybe just some dirty jokes involving Derrick Shultz, a processed cabbage, and a lawn tractor.