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welcome to the wide right productions homepage, here are the top headlines of the wide right journalist, believe what you want, but be sure to laugh.

PHYSICS TEACHER GRADES TESTS IN NEW FASHION

Mr Bobby ******** was grading his tests using only an erasing sheild and a cactus. Recently he made headlines by teaching his physics class naked with a sea urchin. He recently was quoted as saying "If you don't know, you better recognize". When asked ezactly what this means, he replied "suppose vectorally broccoli and grated dog cheese were very popular, then this statement would be true". Then expanding his thesis by stating that "The Russians love me, and I have no potatoes". This enraged the United Nations of the Unified Russia who were also grading tests for sperm count. Mr ******** then unzipped his leotard and stepped, naked, into a vat of unprocessed sewage. "Oh my" exclaimed Derek Shultz he said, "That's my sewage, and don't call me sassaphrass!"

AL GORE MAKES SPEACH TO THE NATION

While standing outside the White House, Al Gore, was quoted stating, "Buddie is not my personal love slave. I prefer socks." And so the rest of the nation continuse to mourn the loss of Zachary, the immature Cucumber. President Clinton released a statement stating "I think more of bagels now the accident is over. I think of course!" Then he jumped in the air and landed on the San Andreas fault, causing the United States and the rest of north america to fall into the Atlantic. Now that the Atlantic is as large as the Pacific, the Japanese can return safely to, as the natives say, okinawa, which means "bite the wax tadpole." But it doesn't matter, because cloned alligator-frog wrestlers were actually stromboli strands in cheese. Just then two llamas went stampeding through San Francisco killing 2 roaches and injuring 3 rats. The injured rats fled to Washington and became senators. "So what if we piss in sanctuaries," a distressed Derek Shultz said, "Hydrogen is not only the atomic gay number but i'm gay!" The President responded "Derek is gay!" Derek's gay hamster responded by saying "It's true! He gets me up the bung nad all of the time! and it's still to small to feel anything!" This disturbed Derek's mother because she pulled off her strap-on egg beater and put it back under Derek's bed. The leader of the Zapatista Army then returned to his common strip joint and dished out the money that Derek paid him, for the services rendered. At the strip club, Schultz was doing the funniest thing with a boy scout and a mango. Undaunted, our heroes chased after the golden tent which the Anglican Roman-Saxons took from the SLA (superhero League of America). Just as Duckman and his sidekick chef walked in, Stan from southpark was stripping for Wendy. When taped on National TV butt naked, Stan replied "Who is Ezekiel?"

NEW WORM INVENTED FOR AMERICA

Bill Stimpson "turnip man" released his new and improved worm. It's much like his wife's spaghetti, but it does not taste as bad as her recipe. Hers' tasted like a pile of wood filler, but with less nutrional value. She clearly has a deficient hormone. This clearly shows how much the Russian space station Mir has gone through in the last year. It kind of sat on top of the toilet and left the loudest fart ever heard by man. It smelled so bad, not to mention that our friends made the questionable decision to cook a turkey by exposing it to cosmic radiation until it was glowing like a beer sign. But Bill Clinton saved the day when he told Tipper Gore to put her clothes back on and she did. Tipper responded by saying "My God what have i done" as he looked down at the beautiful piece of dead meat sprawled upon the table. "Where did i go wrong?" he screamed out and then all of the sudden, some wise guy drove a buick into the living room, killing everybody within a 3 mile radius. The Police were quoted as saying, "Step into my bra" as they walked like Frankinstein around the room. Just then 2 antelopes a grasshopper jumped out of Matlock's mouth as he pleasantly asked the little girl "would you like to sleep with me?" The girl replied "I'd rather churn butter using only a cheese grater and a bald monkey." This angered Matlock, so he pulled up his zipper and stormed ot of the building never to be seen again.

BALLON TRIP ENDED ABRUPTLY

Dave Milltion, esteemed scientific ballonist, started his latest trip last wednesday. It started off good but ended on a sour note when he collided with an airborne herring. Scientists claim that the flying herring species does not exist, neither does Rosie O'Donnel's smile. But when Bill Clinton released his "hounds", he ended up in a federal prison. Barbara Bush was recorded as saying "In this day in age I can eat them anyway I want." When reporters, confused, reported this, Antelopes in a way were temporarily saved from "squeezle", the mutated squirrel of doom. However, this did not stop people in Central Park from participating in the circe de sole, where many people were murdered because of their belief in giant asian penguins. This caused quite a stir among the local Africans, who had worshipped Toby the wonder Penis for years. Still, they did not relent, and when it was all said and done the Russian Space Station Mir's attempt at recreating the freat hot dog clone wars of the 1980's was out short when the main engine died, leaving the crew exposed to cosmic radiation until they were glowing like beer signs. They crashed - landed in Nebraska, where several dozen oxen read Harold Bloom's, author of "CLC and TCLC", review of Derek Shultz's "I like it where it doesn't belong." And they responded by saying "At least our dogs don't masterbate." This caused a revolution in Germany, where ice skater Dimitii sneltkov wenton a bread stealing, Spree which ended up in a milk spilling catastrophe. Later on Gorbachev was quoted saying "The Russian people love me, and i can't offer them bread." Undaunted, our brave explorers went to the "New World." Where female singer Amy Grant is pregnant with her third quadraped, who was stolen last week from French Headquarters. The French commanders claim that the cause is not last, we hope to find her mustard package collection in the Seven Dales Pizza bathroom, if it's not there, ah well.