General Info:- This is my second attempt at a story. My first was ‘The Lion and the Unicorn’ which was somewhat different to this.
Disclaimers:- not mine. YET.
Spoilers:-???
Did you know that Prozac is the 2nd most commonly taken drug??
Feedback - very much appreciated. Any kind. Send it to pwinarso@lineone.net. Thanks!!
Roses and Stars
I am so sick and tired of living a static life. Of going nowhere, doing nothing, feeling nothing, being nothing. I want to die. I have no energy to move or to live and all I see, lying on the floor of my apartment, is the ceiling in shades of white. My mind feels numb and I know how close I have come to living, then I remember that I have lost it all. But that sense of loss is overtaken by the knowledge that I have come to the end and it will all be over very soon.
The room is darkened by my ineffectual day that started with hope and resolution. Its as if all hopes are raised to be dashed and all life started never to be finished, I am alone. I cannot see further than that fact. The fact that something I thought I could have, something that I wanted more than anything else, was not mine to have. Mulder doesn’t want me, Mulder doesn’t need me. Out of those same lips that made so many unspoken promises, that once gave me comfort and once gave me hope, came the very few words that I should have known a long time ago.
‘Look at me, Mulder and tell me that you don’t love me, that you want to have me transferred.’
‘I don’t love you, Scully.’
There is no more that can be said. There is no reason to live and when these pills begin to have an effect, there will be no more life. A loss of tedium is never a true loss, a loss of Dana Sully will mean nothing beyond a loss of a Federal Agent. Mulder will continue in his quest for the truth, but he will never find it until he finds love. Truth only exists in love. I have found my truth in Mulder, and the sad thing is, I realised that my love was unrequited and so I have chosen the only path that I know how to follow. I need to tell Mulder that love is the answer to all his questions, that he should believe that he is loveable and capable of love. But it is too late. I cannot reach the phone and perform the only task in my life that seems worthwhile.
I don’t ever want to feel, like I did that day.
Take me to the place I love and take me all the way.
I could never have predicted that I would die in a spontaneous act of irrationality. I could have used my gun or jumped off a building, but somewhere in-between these two extremes I feel the need for peace. A quiet end to all this madness that has engulfed me in the past six years. I need to remember before I die, why I lived. The only conclusion I can come to is: for the roses and stars. Too apparently different to ever meet. I lived, I existed, for those who loved me. Those, few and far between, who knew me more than as a friend but as a daughter, a sister, a niece. These people are getting fewer and fewer, for anyone who I come in contact with seems to become cursed. Melissa died my death, Emily was my chance to do something right, but she died because of me. All these people who I could not save, because my work was tied up in Fox Mulder. Mulder is like a star, burning brightly in the night sky. He is my one true faith. I know that he will go on without me. He does not need me as I need him and my dependency will only cause him hurt as true dependency only can. However, I cannot allow that and so I must detach myself from him.
As I feel my eyelids heavy and reality loses itself in the midst of my few remaining threads of consciousness, the door begins to open and a I see a figure standing in the light. He is the icon of my salvation, the representative of my faith. I feel at peace as he holds my hand guiding me into another world, tears falling from his eyes, washing my face of all sadness as I remember that love never dies. Mulder is with me.
Julia Winarso
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