Jacen's Joke Archive

Q: How long does Master Skywalker have to sleep?
A: One Jedi Knight!

Q: What side of a wampa is the furriest?
A: The outside!

Q: What time is it when an Imperial walker steps on your wrist chronometer?
A: Time to get a new chronometer!

Q: Why are droid makers never lonely?
A: They're always making new friends!

Q: How many storm troopers does it take to change a glow panel?
A: Two! One to change it and the other to shoot him and take all the credit!

Q: What do you call the person who brings a rancor its dinner?
A: The appetizer!

Q: Why do TIE fighters scream in space?
A: Because they miss their mother ship!

Q: What goes ha-ha-ha ... thump!?
A: A droid laughing its head off!

Q: Why are a wampa ice creature's arms so long?
A: Because it's hands are so far away from it's body!

...you name your goldfish Admiral Ackbar.

...you start kissing your best friend because her nickname's Leia and yours is Han.

...you're CONVINCED that you know the script to the prequels because you watched the trilogy so many times.

...you don't use words with the letter 'Y' in them because, as 'oda puts it, "There is no 'Y'".

...you know all the characters that are mentioned on this page.

...you know Han's middle name.

...when you don't need a T.V. and V.C.R. to watch the movies.

...your English teacher hands back your essay and says,"Your commas are your weakness." Your reply is,"Your faith in your friends is yours!"

...you think Yoda's babblings are useful and relevant in everyday life.

...someone tells you their deepest secret, you gloat and say, "Your far too trusting."

...you talk about Star Wars Characters as if they are old friends of yours.

...your parents hear you yelling in your sleep "run, Luke, run!"

...you're asked to do something and you reply "As you wish" like Boba Fett.

...You start doing your hair like Princess Leia.

...You dream it up in your sleep.

...A cop pulls you over and gives you a speeding ticket and you reply: "They don't call 'em landspeeders for nothing!"

...You make a lot of lucky guesses in a game(ex.Memory) and tell you're friend "The Force is with me today"

...You and your friends are at the principles office and you say "Jabba, this is your last chance, free us of die!"

All of your favorite characters from Fowl Wars give their own answers to this age old question.

Episode I: The Phantom Road

Darth Maul: At last we will reveal ourselves to the chicken; at last we will have revenge.

Qui-Gon Jinn: There is always a bigger car.

Anakin: Are you a chicken?

Shmi Skywalker: Chicken, you know I die everytime Watto makes you cross the road.

Padme: You mean you never actually crossed a road?

Mace Windu: You refer to the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the Road. You believe it's this... chicken?

Young Obi-Wan: The road is dangerous. They all sense it; why can't you?

Queen Amidala: I was not elected to watch my chickens suffer and die while you discuss this highway in a committee?

Senator Palpatine: Wipe them out, all of the chickens.

Yoda: Always two there are: a chicken and a car.

Episode IV: A New Fowl

Aunt Beru: All of his friends have crossed, it means so much to him.

Uncle Owen: You can waste time crossing the road after your chores are done.

Tarkin: This chicken is now the ultimate power in the galaxy. I suggest we use it!

C-3PO: Curse his feathery body, he wasn't fast enough!

Leia: Would someone get this big walking chicken out of my crosswalk??

Leia: I don't know what chicken you are, or what coop you came from, but from now on, you cross when I tell you to OK?

Ben Kenobi: You don't need to see this chickens identification. It's not the chicken your looking for. It may go about its business of crossing the road. Move along, Chicken.

Ben Kenobi: The road, you'll never find a more reched hive of scum and villainy.

Greedo: Jabba has no time for chickens that drop their cargo at the first sign of a car.

Episode V: The RV Strikes Drumstick

Leia: You don't have to cross to impress me, chicken.

Yoda: A chicken's energy flows from the road, but beware: cars, trucks, buses, the flattened side are they.

Boba Fett: What if the chicken doesn't survive? It's worth a lot to me.

Darth Vader: Join me, Chicken. Together we can overthrow Col. Sanders. And we shall rule the highway as father and chicken.

Episode VI: Return of the Chicken

Jabba the Hutt: Hohohohohoho. There will be no crossing, young chicken.

Han Solo: I know that cluck. Look, chicken, I was on my way to help you cross, I just got a little sidetracked.

Yoda: When 900 roads you have crossed, look as good you will not!

Emperor: Strike the car down with all of your hatred, and your journey toward the other side of the road will be complete!

Emperor: Only now, after being hit by a car, do you understand.

Wings of the Chicken:

Freedon Nadd: Unless you cross truthfully, Chicken, the darkness cannot help you.

Nomi Sunrider: Poor brutes, don't you know you should be interested in a chicken for it's mind, and what it can do with it?

Young Chickens:

Jacen Solo: Blaster bolts, Chicken!

Jaina Solo: Well, Chicken, what are you waiting for?

Zekk: There's only one direction for you to go, chicken, and that's forward.

Tenel Ka: The chicken crossed the road, this is a fact.

Anja: To get more Andres spice of course, don't you pampered kids know anything?

Qorl (CE3K-1977): Crossing is betrayal, Chicken!

Tamith Kai: Chicken brats!

Norys: Hey, Trash Collector! What are you crossing with that chicken egg?

Misc:

Corrsk: Time to die, chicken!

Shadow: Who cares why it crossed, I call the drumsticks!!!

Thanks to: Tenel Ka/Tahiri, Jaya_Solo, Peter, Jacyn Solo, Jade Avacado, Nick, Jaina Solo, Kyle G. Katarn, JediJ, Han and Chewie, Raynar Thul, Han, Senni Kiffu, Forceflow, Brooke Hart, Aftran Sunarcher, Shadow_Dragoon, David Toub, Stuart and Nick, Stuart McCafferty, Jaina/Chewie, Rascal Ratt, Bob, the Destructor, Marla Jagana(Katie), Princess Leia, Jaina Solo, Mara Jade, Elise, Jacen/Han Solo, Stuart Smith, Mara Jade

Still want more?  Your in luck.
Shaven Wookie
Other good humor links?  E-mail me.

Jacen nudged her with his elbow and dropped his voice. "I've got a new one for you, Tenel Ka. I think you'll like it. What do you call the person who brings a rancor its dinner?"

She looked perplexed. "I don't understand."

"It's a joke!" Jacen said. "Come on, guess."

"Ah, a joke," Tenel Ka said, nodding. "You expect me to laugh?"

"You won't be able to stop your self, once you here it," Jacen said. "Come on, what do you call the person who brings the rancor its dinner?"

"I don't know," Tenel Ka said. Jaina would have bet a hundred credits that the girl wouldn't even venture a guess.

"The appetizer!" Jacen chuckled.

Jaina groaned, but Tenel Ka's face remained serious. "I will need you to explain why that's funny ... but I see the lecture is about to start. Tell me some other time."

--Star Wars: Young Jedi Knights: Heirs of the Force

By Kevin J. Anderson and Rebecca Moesta

Q: What do you say to a crystal snake when you see it bare its teeth at you?
A: Hey, you when did you last brush your teeth, snake?!

Q: Buzz Buzz. Who's there? Wampa. Wampa who?
A: Wampatato twopatato three!

Q: Why does Jaina want a ship of her own?
A: Because she wants to be high up and "Solo!"

Q: What do you call a cross between a astromech droid and an invisible man?
A: An Artoo-Seethrough unit!

Q: What do Star Destroyers wear for special occasions?
A: Bow-TIEs!

Q: Why did Luke change his last name to Skwalker?
A: Because Yoda told him: "There is no y!"

Q: Why is Han like an Easter egg?
A: Because they are both always around furry animals!

Q: What do you get if you cross a bantha and Emperor Palpetine?
A: Sour Milk!

Q: What do you call a crystal snake's parents?
A: Trans-parents!

Q: Knock knock. Who's there? Yoda. Yoda who?
A: Yoda smart one! You tell me!

Q: Why did the bantha cross the road?
A: To get to scratch his hide!

Q: What's the most the most popular pizza place in the entire galaxy?
A: Jabba the Hutt!

Q: What do you call a wookie Jedi?
A: Luke with way too much facial hair!

Q: What's white and sits on a toilet?
A: A stormtrooper on duty!

Q: What is the most curious fighter?
A: A WHY-wing!

Q: What sounds: -Oh dear, now I've made a foul of my self......thumb?
A: A droid who drops his face in front of his audience!

Q: Why did the Jedi Knight work in a hospital?
A: Because he needed some patients!

There were once two guys who loved to play detonator ball each one promised that the first one to die would come back and tell them if they had detonator ball on the "other side". one of the guys died and, keeping his word, came back and told his buddy, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is: yes they have detonator ball in heaven, The bad news is: your pitching tomorrow.

1. No matter how young you are, you are always too old to be trained as a Jedi.
2. Always trust your fate to a boy you hardly know.
3. If the senate isn't acting fast enough on your behalf, stop everything and elect new leadership.
4. The Force is an infection that can be detected in the blood
5. Peace is a physical object that can be given to big ugly creatures.
6. Traveling through a planet's core (though surely it's molten) can be the fastest way to get from one place to another.
7. There is always a bigger fish.
8. Sometimes the best way to win a battle is to attach one's foot to a fallen enemy and dance around.
9. When going for a swim, don't worry about removing your Jedi cloak.
10. When fighting against a Sith with a double sided lightsaber, always break it in half if you want to live.
11. Never trust a politician who offers to help you once he is elected.
12. If you're not a slave, never insult a pod racer.
13. Even the Hutts thought the pod racing scene was too long.
14. Never assume someone is just a decoy.
15. No one can kill a Jedi.
16. Technology is so advanced these days that the only thing capable of disrupting a communication link between two planets is the invasion of one.
17. (a) A favorite hobby of some Jedi Masters is to collect pathetic life forms.
    (b) The best way to stay in the company of a Jedi Master is to be a pathetic life form.
18. Jedi reflexes are very useful when disciplining said pathetic life forms.  Hence the saying: "Jedi got your tongue?"
19. Love and compassion are a sure sign that a person will fall to the dark side.
20. Some Jedi Masters are attracted to single mothers.
21. The disadvantage of being a Hippie Jedi Master is that you don't get to be on the Council.
22. Never be sore about only being the boyfriend of a hand maiden, she's probably really a queen in disguise.
23. As time goes on, technology becomes less sophisticated.
24. Even little boys are capable of creating droids.
25. "Are you an angle?" Is a slightly better pickup line than, "If we can just avoid anymore female advice..."
26. All queens are elected.
27. If a droid brings your drinks, it's a pretty good sign that the negotiations will be short.

Have you ever noticed how some quotes from STAR WARS gain extra, um, force when you substitiute the word pants.  Watch and learn:

"Pants me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

"Evacuate... in our pants?"

"Chewie and me've gotten into a lot of pants more hevaly guarded than this."

"Han will have those pants down, we've gotta give him more time."

"These Federation types are cowards, their pants will be short."

"Jabba has know time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an imperial cruser."

"And I thought these pants smelled bad on the outside."

"Pants not make one great."

"Just because you wear pants doesn't make you intellegent."

"There has been a great disterbance in the pants..."

"Pants can have a strong influence on the weak minded."

"These pants are now the ultimate power in the universe, I suggest we use them."

"The emperor's last command: You will pants Luke Skywalker!"

"Look at the size of those pants!"

"Threepeo, hand me those pants over there.  Okay, I'm going to put these on you..."

"When gone am I, the last of the pants will you be wearing."

"Pants, we don't need their scum."

"Your pants betray you."

"I find your lack of pants disturbing."

"I am altering the pants, pray I don't alter them any farther."

"Your overconfidence is your weakness."  "Your faith in your pants is your."

(More soon... I must find my pants, er, notes and get back to you.)

Twenty reasons why Star Wars is better than Titanic, (like you nead someone to tell you.)

1. Titanic's big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.

2. Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential.

3. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

4. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.

5. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

6. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.

7. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

8. (a) Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.(b) Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he   strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?

11. People have not lost their lives trying to recreate scenes from Star Wars on the bow of a cruise liner.

12. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hut.

13. Two words: John Williams.

14. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.

15. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"?

16. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

17. "I'd rather be his whore than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."

18. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

19. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated "Luke... I am your father"?

20. Han Solo would've missed the dang iceberg!