Learning to Live Again
By A.Price

summary: Sometime after Two Choices. Robyn, this was written for you!

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters of BTVS, Joss Whedon does. I also took the title of this fic and the following quote from the Garth Brooks song of the same name. Okay, sometimes I get depressed and I listen to country - I'm from Arkansas for goodness sake, I could get kicked out if I didn't listen to country sometimes.

I'm going to smile my best smile,
I'm going to laugh like it's going out of style....
Learning to live again is killing me....
~Garth Brooks - Learning to Live Again~

Buffy was emptying the drawers of her dresser on to her bed and packing the contents in neat little cardboard boxes. It gave her something to do, to keep her mind off of other things... She was actually excited about the move to the dorm, she and Willow were rooming together. She heard Xander pull up in his Uncle Rory's car and waved down at him through the open window. Xander had offered to help her pack and move. He had been around alot lately, just being there for her in any way she needed him.

She knew he wanted to help her get over Angel. And she knew she should be over it, she was better, but sometimes she still felt like climbing into a dark hole and crying forever. She was okay until she saw something that brought up another memory, she and Xander were patroling in the cemetary and came across a tombstone, the tombstone she and Angel had sat by after the confrontation with the Mayor, she could hear herself saying "We'll be okay." Angel had agreed with her that night, but they weren't okay and they never would be.

She pulled out a book from the pile on the bed. It was Sonnets from the Portugese by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Angel had given it to her on her birthday, she had tracked it down after dropping it in the street when Kralick came after her. She read the inscription one more time - Always. She held the book close to her heart.

"I'm here to help her Buffiness move. Cookies? Cookies would be good!" She heard Xander talking to her mother downstairs. She smiled to herself < Xander and food! >

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Xander waved at Buffy through the window as he got out of the car. He had offered to help her move, because it would mean extra time with her. He was still worried about her, she was trying though, he could tell, she forced herself to smile and laugh. She was definitely trying.

After accepting an offer of cookies from Mrs. Summers he bounced up the stairs. He was stuffing a chocolate chip macadamia nut cookie in his mouth as he entered Buffy's room. He noticed she was holding a book, *that book* close to her again - as if was the most important thing in her life. He frowned slightly, but then smiled and greeted her "Hey, Buff, ready to go?"

"I'm still packing, Xander. Why don't you take some of these boxes down to the car?" She told him as she gently lay the book down on the bed.

"Okay, I can do that. Do you need any help packing, lingerie for example?" He asked a raised eyebrow.

She swatted him with a pillow and giggled softly. "Xander, go car, now!"

Mission accomplished - she smiled and it was a real smile. He picked up a couple of small boxes and went to the car.

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Buffy folded clothes and packed them neatly in her suitcases. Xander soon joined her. He was amazed at how many boxes and suitcases she had.

"You aren't moving to Alaska, Buffy. Are you taking everything you own?" He joked.

She turned to him rolling her eyes as she packed several crosses that were hanging on her mirror. The silver cross Angel had given her was among them. He saw her run a gentle fingertip over it, she smiled slightly and hung it back on the dresser. She packed the handfull of jewelry she was holding. "Not everything, Xander." She said softly with a sigh.

Xander watched as she hung the necklace back up on her dresser. His heart soared for a moment, maybe, just maybe she was going to start living again. He decided it was safe to ask about Angel now. "Buffy, I know that Cordelia told you she saw Angel in LA. Have you heard from him?"

She turned sharply from her packing and looked at him with teary eyes. "No, I haven't. But Cordelia says he's good, and he did ask about me."

< Great, now I've done it, she's gonna cry. > Xander took a step closer to Buffy. Hesitantly, he wrapped his arms around her. She cried softly on his shoulder for a few minutes, then let go of him and went back to her packing.

"Xander, I am trying to move on. And you're being here does help. Have I thanked you for that?" She asked him softly, her tears drying now. Xander thought she must be the most beautiful person he had ever seen.

"Buffy, the last time you asked me if you had thanked me for something, it was not good." Xander said remembering the dance she had done in the Bronze to make Angel jealous.

Buffy laughed a small laugh, "I'm sorry Xander. I'll just tell you thanks, okay?"

Xander thought a moment, "Could I have a dance now? That would be a great thank you."

Buffy nodded her head yes and turned on the stereo, a slow song came on and nervously Xander put one arm around Buffy's waist capturing her hand in the other hand. They swayed gently to the music for a minute, then she lay her head against his chest. He could smell the fresh scent of her shampoo as he rested his cheek on the top of her head. They danced in silence. "Your welcome" He told her softly as the song ended.

She went back to packing and he went back to lugging boxes down the stairs and to the car. They had small pleasant conversations in between trips. After the last box was carried down, Xander came back up to find Buffy straightening up what was left in the room. The book of sonnets still lie on her bed.

"You ready now?" He asked her with an exaggerated impatience.

"Yeah, let me get my purse." She picked up the purse from the bed. She looked at the book wistfully.

"I'll get that for you." Xander told her as he picked up the book.

Buffy bit her lip and looked directly in his eyes "No, don't. I think it's staying here."

They turned to leave the room. Xander smiled.

The end

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