Disclaimer on first part.
Giles: Yes, yes I do appear to have misled you. Celia isn’t in fact a human who turns into a dog. Rather most of the time she is a ratty, worm eaten dog apart from during the full moon, when she’s a ratty worm eaten wolf person.
Alice; They’re very rare. And she’s not ratty.
Wesley (clears his throat) I’ve got my Watcher diaries in the next room if you would care to see them?
Alice: (distracted still searching in her handbag) Yes, yes quite. (Lifting her head) Do you know I don’t think it’s in here. One of you big strong lads couldn’t fetch my suitcase over here could you?
(Xander and Angel walk across the room, Angel picks up a suitcase and carries it back. Xander attempts to pick up a suitcase and fails.)
Xander: (leaning nonchalantly against the case) do you mind if I ask what you have in this case? I mean it’s not like, personal things?
Buffy: personal things?
Willow; He means underwear.
Alice: books, books and other research materials. (Turns to Giles) You’ll like some of the books I brought with me. Updates from the watchers council, new issues of ‘watcher watch’ that sort of thing.
Xander; (more or less to himself) Well if it’s not personal things I can do more than one trip. (Putting his hands on the lock) ‘Did you pack this case yourself Madam? No I let my pet werewolf do it.’
Alice: NO!
(A bolt of bluey green light issues from the lock and throws Xander across the room.)
Xander: Hooha. (He coughs) ow. Buffy who has leapt across to where he is lifts him to his feet.
Buffy; Are you alright?
Xander; Apart from the searing pain? Sure.
(While they are talking Willow walks over to the case and mutters a few words over the lock and opens the case. The group look at her.)
Willow: Oreanha’s protective, I use it on my lunch some days.
Giles; your, your um, lunch?
Willow, well, you know, when I have cake.
Giles; Um, Alice do any of your other possessions have booby traps?
Alice: (sorting through the suitcase having muttered over the other locks) What? Um, no. I must say Alexander, is it? Most people find that the sinister aura puts them off from even touching the case before they get a chance to be erm…
Buffy; Zapped?
Alice (smiling) yes, quite.
Xander: What can I say, I’m that kind of guy.
Giles (patting Xander on the shoulder as he walks past) yes, yes you are aren’t you.
Alice Boston: Aha, got yeh! (She clasps two or three spiral bound softback folders and a small purse)
Alice Boston: Squirrel, catch! (Alice throws the folders at Giles)
Giles: What? Ah, (flaps his hands about aimlessly whilst folders hit him harmlessly in the stomach)
Alice Boston: ‘Watcher watch’ Latest word in Watcher protocol, news on new demons what have you. No need to thank me.
Giles: Well, yes but surely Mr Whyndam-Price?
Alice Boston: Oh Wes doesn’t mind if you read it first do yeh Wes? No course you don’t Squirrel can underline the difficult bits for you.
Giles: (shaking his head and flipping through the folders) yes, erm quite. I’ll just put these in the office shall I? (Wanders off shaking head again).
Alice Boston: (opens the purse and takes out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter) Dear me I’ve been looking for these since we landed, honestly I can remember a time when you could do damn near anything on a plane as long as it didn’t scare the pigeons! (Gives a short snort of laughter) eh? Scare the pigeons! (Buffy and her friends look at her a bit aghast) No? Well different cultural references I suppose, can’t say a little polite laughter wouldn’t have gone amiss, ah well… (She clicks the flint and sparks up the lighter)
Giles: ( unseen voice from behind the shelves) No, no, no ,no. You, you can’t do that in here.
Alice Boston: (holding her cigarettes and lighter and looking innocent) What? Squirrel, you wouldn’t deny a cigarette to one of your oldest friends?
Giles: Yes, yes I would Alice ,as you may have noticed this is a library , full of books , which , which are made of paper, flammable paper.
Alice Boston : Gosh Squirrell you’re like an old woman sometimes really. Well if I can’t smoke then what does it take to get a drink here? I’ve a mouth like a budgie cage .
Giles: Hmm, you’ve got a mouth like something. I’ll go and make some tea.
Alice Boston: Tea? I’ve come halfway across the world.You come halfway across the world and meet someone you haven’t seen for , gosh, ages, that’s the sort of thing you break out a nice 18 year old single irish for, eh? Oh my what’s wrong with them , don’t americans drink? (she addresses these last remarks to buffy and her friends who are looking a little gobsmacked)
Giles: Alice, this is a library.
Alice Boston : Oh well, ( gestures at Wesley) You, Mr useful . Is there anywhere I can drink and smoke in this place , preferably at the same time?
Wesley : Umm, there , I , well there’s ‘The Feathers’. It’ s the pub near my flat.
Xander : ( eating) Pub? Sunnydale has an english quarter now?
Oz: Why not? we have a demon district.
Alice Boston: ( taking a larger old looking book from her luggage) Here Squirrell, borrowed this in ’85. You better have it back now I suppose. ( She throws the book at Giles who this time is quick enough to catch it) Aha , gosh threw the book at ‘im. Eh? Eh? Oh nevermind.
Giles: Yes, I’ll put this on the shelves shall I ?
Alice Boston: So eh , Squirrell. Coming with us?
Giles: no, no I’ll content myself with cataloguing this for the moment. Mr Whyndam -Price will escort you to the, what is it ‘the feathers’?
Alice Boston; Oh, fair enough.
(Giles wanders away to the shelves shaking his head and smiling.)
Alice Boston: Ok , Booze and fags here we come eh wesley?
Xander;(with his mouth full) I knew it!
Giles: ( unseen voice from behind the shelves) Cigarettes, Xander, cigarettes.
Wesley and Alice leave. The last thing we hear is Alice’s booming laugh.
Xander : Ripper? Squirrell? What are you the nickname king?
Giles : (Picking up books from the main table) Yes, well. Have we had our little laugh at my expense?
Buffy: Hell no. Squirell?
Giles: I used to have a , well my face was a little plump. I suppose for the sake of authenticity it should have been hamster but ……..
Xander: Well rodent boy. . .
Gile : Hey, what ever happpened to respect for your elders?
Willow; We, we respect you. Squirell! (puts her hands over her face and giggles)
Giles: (Sitting wearily in his chair) et tu Willow?…
CUT TO : SUNNYDALE HOSPITAL
(A thin dark haired woman lies asleep in a hospital bed. Sitting half asleep by her side is a tall well dressed dark haired man wearing thick glasses. The pair might as well have ‘evil goth baddie’ written across their foreheads. In spite of this the man’s face is drawn and his eyes are red rimmed as if he has spent nights worrying and tearful. A doctor enters.)
Dr: Dr Villiemme?
(the tired looking man stands up)
Dr Villiemme : Dr?
Dr: (gesturing to Dr Villiemme to join him in the corridor) This is never an easy thing to say Dr Villiemme, it’s the part of my job I most hate I’m afraid. As you know your wife has been with us for some months now and, well I’m afraid her condition has, well you’re a medical man Dr , I’m sure that you were informed of the risks... There really is nothing further we can do you see, it’s only a matter of time.
Dr Villiemme : Oh, I see.
Dr: I’m sorry. There really is nothing we can do. Of course she’s welcome to stay here but some of our patients prefer to be among family when… Well, that’s something you’ll have to discuss.
Dr Villiemme: Yes, quite. Thank you Dr.
(Dr Villiemme ushers the dr out of the room and takes up position next to the woman again, she stirs slightly)
Dr Villiemme: Shh Aprille, sleep, sleep. ( turning away and picking up a mobile phone -cue ominous music) Dzecthel? I’m calling in all my favours. Tell your people that they have a job to do for me.
(he turns back to the sleeping woman who is twitching in her sleep)
Dr Villiemme: Be still Aprille, you’re not going anywhere soon.
CUT TO ‘THE FEATHERS’
(Alice and Wesley are seated at the bar of ‘the feathers’. Wesley looks a little nervous)
Alice Boston: Oh , what are yeh Wesley. A man or a mouse?
Wesley: I, well, I don’t , I …
Alice Boston: Well I’m not sitting in a bar with a man who drinks shandy (gestures to barman) Do you do ‘Speckled hen?’ (barman nods) A pint and a half of Speckled hen then please dear. ( turns to Wesley ) And what are you having? (Wesley’s jaw drops) I’m joking ! I’m joking. Gosh, this’ll put hairs your chest. (She hands Wesley his pint, which looks huge and takes a sip of her drink. Wesley smiles nervously - fade to black).
SUNNYDALE HIGH - EXTERIOR- MORNING
(Willow, Oz and Xander sit underneath a tree with a low wall nex to it. Xander has already broken into his lunch. He is talking , and using the apple he is halfway through eating to emphasize a point)
Xander : So I said ‘you say that now!’
Willow: And?
Xander: And nothing baby, let no one say Xander Harris doesn’t know how to end an argument.
Oz: You’re a dancing fool.
Xander; Ah, you say that now.
(Giles comes loping across the courtyard using that odd, girly, trotting run that only him and english women use. Like he doesn’t want people to know that he’s running)
Giles: Oh, Willow good. Just the person I wanted to talk to. Erm, the computer, in the library. It appears to be on a strike of some sort.
Willow: Okey Dokey, Do you know what the problem is?
Giles: Other than that it won’t start? I’m afraid not. (looks around) Oh, is Buffy not here yet?
Xander: We thought she was with you.
(Buffy aproaches )
Buffy: Hi.
Xander: Hi.
Oz: Buff.
Giles: Oh, Hello Buffy We were , erm. Just talking about you.
Buffy: Well ( makes hands open gesture) here I am.
Xander: (does little shadow boxing dance type thing) So Buff, been kicking some demon butt?
Buffy: (looking at Xander oddly) Umm, no? I was washing my hair. I was going to do it last night but I forgot. So I’m late.
Giles: Willow, computer?
(Giles and Willow trot off to the library, Buffy pulls her bag up over her shoulder)
Buffy : OK , I have like , classes and I am way late so ….
Xander : Ok, see you around (waves)
(Xander and Oz stretch out in the sunshine)
Xander: Aaah, always rushing somewhere.
Oz: hmmm.
Xander: The little ladies just don’t understand the need for relaxation like we do. (Folds his arms behind his head)
Oz: Xander?
Xander: Hmmm?
Oz: Don’t you have Social science with Buffy? (looks at watch) like ten minutes ago?
(Xander makes choking noises , jumps bolt upright and runs/falls into the distance.)
CUT TO , WESLEY’S FLAT-(APARTMENT)
(Wesley lies in bed ,asleep, he has bed hair and no glassses. Light floods through the gap in the curtains, he wakes up and groans a little . He tries to sit up and winces and holds his forehead groaning with pain. He thrusts out his hand and gropes blindly for his glasses. He puts them on looks at the time and groans again. The sound of running water comes from his bathroom. His eyes widen . he tries to get up again and looks visibly queasy. The sound of coughing comes from the bathroom. His eyes widen a little more and he turns towards the bathroom door. From the bathroom a familiar female voice booms out ‘The ride of the Valkryes’. Wesley turns pale and curls up into the feotal position drawing the bedspread up around his neck).
CUT TO SUNNYDALE HIGH LIBRARY
(xander, Oz, Willow, Buffy and Giles stand around)
Xander: I don’t believe I’ve got to do my social sciences essay all over.
Giles: I don’t understand how it is you get into these scrapes. You say you just forgot? (passes a pile of books over to Xander.) Here , these should help you .
Willow: (stands at the computer) Did you plug it in?
Giles: Credit me with a little intelligence (kicks aside a small pile of books surrounding the plug socket and surruptitiously checks that it is indeed plugged in)
Willow: (fiddles with computer for like ten seconds) Oh, I see your problem , (computer starts up) your (insert mind numbing computer babble here) . You see (squeaks in surprise because Angel has appeared behind her)
Angel: Something’s going down.
(omnouis music- everyone focusses on Angel. The silence is broken by Wesley who scuttles through the library at some speed, avoiding eye contact with anyone.)
Wesley : Busy, busy, busy, busy, busy, busy, busy.
(They stare after him for a moment before focussing back on Angel)
Buffy: Angel?
Angel: There’s something going down.
(Alice saunters in, going through her handbag as she walks, putting her cigarettes away and waving away the smoke)
Alice: Cooeee. Gosh whats going on here? You all look absolutely granite faced.
Giles: Erm , Angel, that is Angel has some news .
Alice: Oooh, (perches on desk and turns to face Angel) Well do carry on there’s a dear.
(Angel turns back towards Giles and Buffy)
Angel: There’s something going down, something unusual. I don’t know what , I’m not exactly in the loop any more, you know?
Giles: (murmurs)Yes, yes we understand.
(Alice looks a little puzzled)
Angel: As I said , I’m not sure what it is , but I’m pretty sure that whatever it is is happening on concecrated ground , and soon. Other than that I can’t say , but there’s been some real organisation behind this I can sense it.
Buffy: So, shall I like do a whistle stop tour of sunnydale churches?
Giles: erm, yes, yes quite. Willow do you think you could check for any abandoned churches, or churches with poor night security , that sort of thing?
Willow: I’ll get right to it.
Buffy : (standing up) I’ll help. (Quietly to Willow as the walk along - looking at Alice) The exact same clothes as yesterday did you catch that?
Willow: (innocent looking) She’s british, Giles always wears the same clothes too.
Buffy: (eyebrows raised) Uhummnn?
(Buffy and Willow walk over to the computer , Xander opens the social sciences textbooks, Angel stands looking over Xanders shoulder)
Angel: Wasn’t that due in today?
Xander:( standing up angrily) Yes, yes it was due in today. Buffy gave it in today, Jonathon gave it in today even weird Jo who sits at the back eating glue gave his in today! But I didn’t , because I’m a dope ok deadboy? Ya’ happy?
Alice: (looking up from her handbag) Gosh, Dehdbouy? Is that Cornish?
(Angel looks at her in a puzzled fashion. Everyone looks a bit nervous.)
Giles: Um, Alice, Why don’t you come with me and make some tea.
(Giles takes Alice by the arm and leads her into his office)
Willow: Xander. If it helps you can have my Social science essay, just to use as an outline.
Xander: If it helps ! Will you’re a goddess !
Alice : (unseen shout from the office) A VAMPIRE!!!
(Everyone turns towards the office. Giles and Alice return , Alice stares at Angel with a fixed grin)
Giles: (startled) Tea! (dashes back into the office, returns with tea).
Giles: (smiling apologeticly) Tea.
(Alice sips tea )
Alice: So, erm, Buffy? Has Wesley been bitten, I, I, I mean in. Has Wesley been in?
Xander: He went that a way. (gestures theatrically in the direction in which wesley has gone)
Alice: Oh well, no rest for the wicked, I mean , that is, thank you Alexander.
Xander: Pleased to be of service ma’am.
(Alice stands up and smiles at the group)
Alice: Well, Willow, Alexander, Ozwald, erm, Angelous. People to do things to see , Eh what? (grins)
(The group just sort of look at her)