All alone, staring on
Watching her life go by
When her days are grey
And her nights are black
Different shades of mundane

In the beginning, it was a struggle to breathe, to find the will to go on, but it's been almost six months since Angel left me. For so long, every waking moment was filled with the pain of a broken heart. I thought I'd die if we stayed apart. And just when I thought I was getting over him, he called, and it started all over again. I still think about him every day, but it's getting a little easier.

I'm learning I'm stronger than I thought, but I'm still having a hard time figuring out where my life is going. Angel was my compass, and without him I'm lost. Right after he left, I was still focused on him, concentrating on his return. I knew he couldn't stay away for long. But, contrary to my original belief, he's done a good job of staying away from me. It's been almost six months since I've talked to him, more since we said goodbye. I'm starting to wonder if maybe he's not coming back.

What do I do without him? My heart still beats and time goes on, despite the oppressive loneliness that has become my daily companion. And memories of him haunt my every moment. Without him, life is meaningless, colorless, just an eternal progression of endless days.

And the one-eyed furry toy
That lies upon the bed
Has often heard her cry
And heard her whisper out a name
Long forgiven, but not forgotten

For the longest time, all I did with my days and nights was lay on my bed and cry. In a way, it was comforting, familiar, because of all the nights I cried over him after he became Angelus, how I sobbed over my role in his transformation and over what he had done. All the times I wept for my lost love, raging at fate for the mess my life had become. Unable to even mention his name, even as a whisper. I cried until I was out of tears.

I'm trying to go on, but even now, I have the urge to just curl up in bed and hide under the covers. Snuggling Mr. Gordo to my chest, I can let all my feelings go.

You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're not forgotten

Our relationship never made any sense. Vampires and Slayers are supposed to be mortal enemies, not eternal lovers. We were so different from each other. It would have taken so much strength and so much effort to rebuild our relationship after all that we've gone through. I'm starting to understand that. I guess I was a little naïve at first, believing that love could conquer all. But he was too cynical, never believing love could conquer anything. If only we could have met somewhere in the middle...

I still believe that true love can conquer all, but it needs lots of help. Real love takes a lot of work.

I'm starting to forgive him for his lack of faith in us. He's seen so much darkness in his life it has to be difficult for him to see anything good. For him to be optimistic about a relationship that seems next-to-impossible was too much for me to ask. I understand his skepticism and his fears -- but he still shouldn't have left. He should have stayed, and talked his about his doubts with me.

I'm starting to understand his thinking. He thought that he was holding me back, being unfair to me, that I needed a chance to live a normal life. And I have...I've been living a fairly normal life for the past six months. I'm going to college, living on my own. I've dated normal guys, but I've never felt that spark. I don't feel the same way about anyone else that I feel for Angel.

A bleeding heart torn apart
Left on an icy grave
And the room where they
Once lay, face to face
Nothing could get in their way

His fear overcame his love... He was thinking too much about all the bad things that could happen, worried that one day I wouldn't love him anymore. How could he think that? Didn't he know that not even death could separate me from his love? He was so focused on the fear, on the pain, that he couldn't see the beauty and love in our relationship.

Of course, I had my fears, too. I was so afraid that he'd leave me, that he'd wake up one morning and realize that I wasn't the one he wanted to spend forever with. I was afraid he'd think I was some silly schoolgirl. I was afraid he'd want someone smarter, someone who read Shakespeare and spoke Latin, someone who was more cultured, like he was. I was afraid he would want someone with more freedom than I had with my slayer duty. I had to fight demons and vampires every day for the rest of my life. How could I ask Angel to share the danger? I'm the chosen one -- he wasn't required to battle darkness for the rest of his life. But he did, and helping me brought him face-to-face with all of those painful memories in his past.

But my biggest fear was one we never addressed, never could address. After we made love he said such horrible things. I mean, I know it was Angelus, out to hurt me, but what if it was true? What if he was glad the happiness clause was in place because that meant he didn't have to make love to such an inadequate child? Just because it was the most wonderful night of my life didn't mean he felt the same way. What if I was a disappointment? What if I was hopelessly incompetent in bed?

But now the memories of the man
Are haunting her days
And the craving never fades
She's still dreaming of the man
Long forgiven, but not forgotten

I wish he were here now so I could tell him how much I love him, from the moment I knocked him flat on the ground.

The real turning point in our relationship was the night he rescued me from The Three. He appeared from out of nowhere when I thought I was going to die, like he was my guardian angel. He put my safety before his own. I was horrified that he had been hurt defending me, but a part of me was glad, because it gave him a reason to take his shirt off...shallow, I know, but he made me want to swoon, like a Victorian maiden.

He had to spend the night at my house, to stay safe from The Three. I wasn't about to get him killed because my mom wouldn't have approved of a strange man spending the night in my room. I just lay there in the darkness, thinking of him mere inches away. I wanted him, even then. I wished that he weren't such a gentleman, that he would have taken me in his arms and kissed me until I couldn't think anymore.

We finally did kiss, and it was beautiful. He couldn't deny our love any longer. And we moved closer together, oh so slowly, until our lips met. It was the most amazing kiss of my life.

I think about it all the time... our first kiss, and every kiss after that. I think about the quiet times together, those brief moments when it was just the two of us, thinking only of each other. I still want to be with him so badly. I just want to feel him holding me. The craving for his love, for his touch hasn't gone away.

You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're not forgotten

I never thought it would end this way, that he could leave me and stay away. Even though in leaving he was an idiot, I still love him. I still miss him so much. I can remember every moment we spent together. Even our last few minutes, which were once foggy in my mind, are now clear. Our last kiss was so sweet, and our last dance was the most...beautifully maudlin moment of my life.

I think that no matter what I had done, he still would have left me. I know that now, though I still believe we could have worked things out. His past didn't matter to me. I didn't care that he had to live in darkness, never seeing the sun. I could have lived like that as long as I was with him.

Now we've gone back farther than where we started. In the beginning we could see each other, even if we weren't a couple, even if we couldn't admit our love. But now I don't even get a glimpse. I never realized how much I depended on him being there if I needed him.

Still alone, staring on
Wishing her life goodbye
As she goes searching for the man
Long forgiven, but not forgotten

He didn't understand how much I loved him. I didn't care about a normal life if I couldn't have him. He's the most important part of my life, even now, after all our time apart. He couldn't see how happy I was when we were together. He thought I would be happier with a normal guy - one I could marry and have a family with. But he was wrong. I can't be happy without my Angel.

I never really knew what love was until Angel. Before him it was puppy love, crushes on boys that I thought I liked. I didn't know that those feelings were nothing compared to the painful beauty of true love. But I've been living without him for half a year. And slowly, I'm starting to heal. I'm not forgetting about him - Angel will always be my one true love - but I'm learning to live without him. I don't think I can live my life in anticipation of seeing him again -- it's just too hard. Maybe this is the way it has to be, at least for a while. I'm trying to live a normal life, like he wanted me to, because I can't be with him. So, I'm learning to understand, and accept.

I'm learning to let go of the resentment I feel for him making the decision to leave without even talking to me about it. I'm getting over my anger at his leaving, and learning to forgive.

You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're not forgotten

Sequel Soon

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