Even Angels Fall
by Gem

"So then let's just stick to the plan. Keep our distance until a lot of time has passed. Given enough time we should..." Buffy’s voice faltered at the thought she was trying to express.

"Forget," Angel finished hollowly. Was it only a moment ago she had been clinging to his neck, vowing to never forget? No, it couldn't be, because that moment never existed. It was an instant of time he alone would carry in his heart.

"Yeah." She sounded so lost. "So I'm gonna go...start forgetting."

He watched her walk out the door, blonde hair swinging down her rigidly straight back. He felt a primitive urge to grab that hair and pull her back into his arms. He wanted to whisper in her ear, over and over, that she belonged to him and he to her, and damn the rest of the world for once. He wanted to take her back to his apartment and tell her all about the 24 hours she didn't remember, so she would know how happy she had made him. He wanted to close the door behind them and never come out, so all the forces of darkness, and all the misguided forces of good in the world, couldn't separate them ever again.

He wanted to do all that, and more, but instead he watched the love of his life walk out the door. In his mind, he endlessly replayed her promise never to return unless she no longer loved him.

You found hope and you found faith
Found how fast she could take it away
Found true love, but lost your heart
Now you don't know who you are

"Angel. Hello, anyone in there? Angel, wake up."

Cordelia's voice finally penetrated the fog he'd been in since he arrived at the office that morning. He shook his head and looked up from the book he'd been pretending to read.

"What? I'm awake, Cor. I guess I was just daydreaming." He put the book down and got to his feet. "Did you have a vision? Is something up?" He hated the eager tone in his voice, but work had become his only salvation.

"Daydreaming?" Cordelia replied skeptically. "Looks more like nightmaring to me. You looked so lost and your eyes are all...have you been..." She suddenly realized the teardrops clinging to his eyelashes were not something her reserved boss and friend would wish to discuss. "Never mind. I just hadn't heard a peep from you in hours and I got worried. I mean, you didn't even complain about my coffee."

He glanced down at the untouched mug on his desk. "I guess I'm more in a tea mood today. Sorry."

"Hey, not a prob." She airily waved her hand, then glanced shrewdly at him. "I think you could use the caffeine, though. When was the last time you slept? As in closing your eyes with the intention of losing consciousness, not just for brooding purposes."

...the bed had never felt so soft, or so warm as when she lay in it beside him, her body wrapped around his in sleepy abandon. At long last he felt completely at home in the universe, finally sure of his place and the utter rightness of it all. He drifted off to the music of her breathing, relishing the slight tickle of her hair sweeping across his chest and the feel of...

"Angel, you're doing it again."

His mind lurched back to reality. Cordelia was standing in front of him, waving her fingers in his face. He impatiently pushed them aside and turned away from her penetrating gaze.

"I'm fine," he insisted. "Maybe I haven't been sleeping so well, but I'm okay." He picked up the mug from his desk and brushed past Cordelia to dump the coffee in the sink in the outer office. "Don't we have any evil to fight? Any new demons in town, vampires on the prowl, IRS auditors? I can't believe how slow it's been."

Angel began to restlessly prowl the office as he waited for the sun to set. He sorted through the loose papers Cordelia had been meaning to file, cleaned up the coffee spill she'd forgotten to take care of, and generally made a helpful nuisance of himself until Cordelia wanted to scream. She finally snapped when he began to look at the bills that she had every intention of posting, provided she could find the stamps.

"Angel, go take a nap! Try some warm milk, or whale songs, or turn into a bat and hang from the ceiling I don't care. Just get some rest!"

She regretted the bat remark almost the instant it left her mouth, but he left her no time to apologize. With a quick glance at the window to ascertain the sun had actually set, he grabbed his coat and opened the door.

"I'm going out for a while. She's all yours, Wes," he greeted the former Watcher (now rogue demon hunter) as he slid past him in the doorway.

"Angel, wait!" Cordelia called after him, to no avail. She turned to the bemused Wesley. "Great, he's gone again. I wanted him out of my hair, but not out on the streets, not in the shape he's in. So, here's to another evening we get to spend worrying together, Wesley." She raised her Evian bottle in salute to Wesley as he tried to disguise the eagerness in his eyes.

Angel roamed the streets of LA in a daze. He was more tired than he could ever remember being, but he couldn't have stayed in that office one moment longer. Cordelia and Wesley might believe he was out looking for lost souls, but truthfully his friends were giving him a headache with their concerned vigilance. He couldn't even seek refuge in his books anymore he always drifted away to his memories.

He tried to stay focused, but some nights it was almost impossible. Everywhere he went reminded him of her. They had so little time together in LA, and most of it was not spent sightseeing, but it still all made him think of her.

He wondered if she knew this coffeehouse when she lived in LA, or if she would like the new club that just opened. He could see her walking along the pier at sunset, or playing Frisbee in the park. He could imagine taking her out dancing, or just for a demon-free midnight stroll.

He could remember holding her as she wept, and knowing he was the cause yet again.

She made it easy, made it free
Made you hurt till you couldn't see
Sometimes it stops, sometimes it flows
But baby that is how love goes

If he could only escape his imagination, and the memories that fueled it, he might at last know peace. But if the price of peace was losing these images, even though they taunted and tortured him, Angel was unwilling to pay. They were all he had left of Buffy now.

So he wandered, and he searched for another way to find his peace on this earth.

"Wesley, I'm getting really worried. It's way too close to sunrise and he's still not back." Cordelia paced the office, rubbing her bare arms against the chill of the approaching dawn. She turned to Wesley, as he lay stretched out on the sofa. "Do you think we should call Kate? Maybe the police could..."

"Could spare the time to locate a vampire before dawn?" he finished gently for her. "My dear, we can't involve the police they would ask far too many questions." He rose from the sofa and joined her in the middle of the room. "I will go out and look for him, if you can give me a hint where he might be. But frankly, I think we should just wait." Wesley lightly rested his hands over hers on her crossed arms. "He's a grown man, Cordelia. Grown and then some. He knows the dangers and he knows how to protect himself."

She pulled away from him and walked over to stare out the window at the ever-lightening skyline. "The question is, does he want to?" Tears prickled in the corners of her eyes when she turned to face Wesley once again. "He takes too many chances, Wesley. Ever since the whole Buffy deal, and especially since Doyle died, he goes looking for trouble. And you know, the trouble that walks in the door looking for us would be enough for most people."

"You think he's suicidal?" It seemed a strange thing to ask about the undead, but Wesley could think of no other way to express himself.

"I don't know." Cordelia tried to keep the fear and frustration out of her voice, but she didn't think she was fooling Wesley. "But he goes out night after night and he's always coming back looking like the monster actually got the best of him. Then he spends the day in the office staring at his shoes until sunset, when he starts all over again. I don't know what he's looking for out there, but the looking is killing him."

"Perhaps he's seeking some meaning to his continued existence," Wesley offered hesitantly. "From what you told me, Angel gave up everything to save Buffy, and then Doyle died in his place because there was more yet for him to do. Maybe he's trying to find out precisely what that entails."

"But what good will it do him if the sun turns him into ashtray fodder thirty seconds later," she fretted, gazing at the horizon. "It's really, really almost dawn now. What do we do if...I am so not going to be the one who tells Buffy he went poof because she forgot he played temporal tetherball for her."

"I'm fine Cordelia," came the weary response from the doorway.

"Angel!"

Cordelia and Wesley called his name at the same time, and hurried over to help the staggering vampire in the door and to the sofa. No sooner had they set him down than Cordelia pulled at his arm again.

"Oh no, mister, you're not sitting around the office all day watching me type until sundown. You're going to bed. Right this minute."

"Since when did you type?" Angel queried as he let Cordelia and Wesley pull him to the lift.

Cordelia made a face at him, but didn't bother to respond. She and Wesley had enough to do getting a protesting Angel into bed and out of his shoes. After she threatened to spike his blood bags with holy water if he didn’t behave, he allowed himself to be pushed on his back and tucked in.

"Now sleep, do you hear?" she said sternly, wagging her finger at him. "Whatever evil comes up can either wait, or Wesley and I will take care of it. No monsters for you for at least two days."

"Yes, mother," Angel mumbled with the barest hint of a smile. He closed his eyes until he was sure they had left, then rolled over to stare at the wall. It hadn’t changed any since the last time she tried to make him rest, three, or possibly four, days ago.

Cordelia meant well he knew that. But only Buffy could understand what drove him from his bed night after night to prowl the streets. Only Buffy would understand it wasn't just the aching loneliness of one in a bed meant for two, or the grinding emptiness of his existence without her. No, what drew him out was worse.

It was a terrible hope fostered by words from the Oracles he hadn't shared with another soul.

"Did you save humanity? Avert the apocalypse?"

Nightly he searched the streets for an evil so pure it would end humanity itself. He still tried to help the weak and defenseless, but he sought his own salvation in finding the worst the world had to offer. Perhaps if he could vanquish this unknown threat to humanity, the Powers That Be would give him another chance. If he earned the restoration of his life, instead of lucking into it, he knew he could still be of help to Buffy in her quest. At last, they could safely be together. Until then, he searched and he hoped.

It's a secret that no one tells
One day it's heaven, one day it's hell
And it's no fairy tale, take it from me
That's the way it's supposed to be

Not so very far away in distance, or in heart, a young woman tossed and turned in her sleep. While her faithful stuffed pig stood guard over her, she dreamed of a great battle.

Monstrous demons lashed out at her and tore at her flesh. The air reeked of blood and echoed with the terrified screams of the innocents. Through it all, one person stood by her and fought at her side. The demons were fierce, but they were no match for the shared strength of she and her beloved. Together, they turned the tide of battle.

She wouldn't remember most of the dream she never did. All that would remain would be fragments of the battle's aftermath. Sweet painful visions of a life with the one she loved, after he was restored both to her and to humanity. Once again she would set the dream aside, and face the new day and life that was left to her.

Somewhere in the ether, the Powers That Be looked on in amusement. So impatient, these two, always trying to control or evade their intertwined fates. Destiny, like true love, cannot be rushed, nor can the heart deny it. Until they each learned this lesson, the lovers had no choice but to endure.

You will fly and you will crawl
God knows even angels fall
No such thing as you've lost it all
God knows even angels fall

And now a simple plea for feedback.

PLEASE.

Go here for more of Gem's stories.

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page