Mostly Maybes
by Gem

I thought I would hate it.

I was sure when the time came, and I had to go through with it, that I would hate it. It couldn’t compare - I knew that already. But Willow said the key was not to compare. Just view it as a whole separate experience. So I did, and it wasn’t too bad. It was actually okay - from a sheer sensory standpoint.

It was weird when Parker first kissed me, of course. His lips were so warm, not like..., well, it’s been a long time since I kissed anyone new and it felt a little strange. But the technique was good, and he seemed to really like me. The me he saw - the new me. So when he asked me back to his room, I went. Of course I pretended I hadn’t been planning to go in the first place (yeah, right - with that blouse I was wearing! An...HE would have been all over me quicker than you can say "lost soul.")

Parker said lots of sweet things, and he seemed to know all the right places to go and what to do when he got there. I tried to do the same for him, because I thought maybe that’s where things went wrong...the last time. I mean, I know there was the whole curse thing working against us, but I can’t shake the memories of what the demon said the next day. Maybe if there had been another time to offset that memory...but there wasn’t, so I’m left with my insecurities. Anyway, I worked really hard to stay in the here and now and concentrate on just Parker, and it was nice. I mean, it was really nice...from a sensory standpoint. A little too sweaty, but he can’t help his body temperature. Then when I woke up this morning, he was gone.

He came back, of course - he just went for coffee. No more birthday surprises, thank you very much. Once in this lifetime is about all I can stand. Anyway, he said he would call me, so I guess we’re dating. Just like An...HE wanted me to do.

Willow said not to compare, and she was right. Even as I’m writing this, my mind is trying to force little strands of memories past my eyes and my body. The last time...well, I guess now I have to call it the first time, since last night is now "the last time," it just seemed to mean so much more...to HIM and to me. Of course, I just met Parker (ouch! Bad time to realize that - the "morning after"). He’s a nice guy smart, funny, and not overburdened by tragedy or guilt. All good things. But I’m not feeling a connection, like I did with...I mean, that was immediate. The trust took a while, but the connection was instantaneous. I fell head over heels when I knocked him head over heels.

Okay, my bad. No looking back. It’s over - his call. It’s just so hard sometimes. I can’t talk to anyone about it, not even Willow. They are all still so mad about the way it all ended. I tried to tell them I made him do it, but they don’t really care. I think they would really rather he died than drank my blood. They never say anything, but I know the anger is still there. Of course I don’t say anything either - how can I? I can’t even say, or write, his name. As long as I can call him HIM, I can keep him at a distance. The minute I give him back his name, I have to let in all the pain and loss, and anger. I have a lot of that too, but the only one who ever understood it was...HIM.

He hasn’t called yet. Parker I mean. He said he would call when I left him this morning, and it’s night now, and he hasn’t called yet. It’s not like he has a secret identity or the world to save or anything, so why hasn’t he called?

This whole dating thing is so confusing. I was with...him...so long, I kind of forgot the little games that can be played. My only recent frame of reference is Scott, and he was never into games. I was the one with the big secret in that relationship. I’m still the one with the big secret, so why am I the one sitting by the phone?

I know Giles would tell me to get my mind back on my job, but with Spike in town it’s just too hard. He brings back a lot of memories, way too many. Especially the one where he said HE and I could never be friends. Spike was totally on target there. And he saw me with Parker. I know he and...HIM (God, I should just call him Achmed, so I can cut down on my own confusion. No, the one thing I was never confused about was HIM). Anyway, I know there’s no love lost, but if he sees HIM...will he tell him? Do I want him to? It’s what he said he wanted for me, and he’s the one who walked out, so it’s not like I owe him anything, but it will hurt him. I know he said he didn’t want to be with me, but I think I finally realized what he meant was he didn’t want me to be with him. Protecting me to the last, whether I want it or not. No wonder I’m still so mad. But I still want to protect him too.

I am not going to do this anymore. I am not going to make this whole diary about HIM. I have to focus on my own life and move on, like he did. Of course that would be a lot easier if the damn phone would ring!

Okay, now it’s been two days without a call, and I feel I’m being given some mixed signals. Did I do something wrong? Was I too needy? Too casual? Too aggresive? I tried to do what Faith suggested in my dream. I took the part of her I needed to get me through the first time, but maybe I took too much. Or not enough. What’s the problem?

I can’t deal with these games. I finally got to a place where I can handle a mature relationship (not that I want a "relationship"), and I fall for a guy who wants to play hard to get. Well, I didn’t actually fall for him. It’s more like, he’s cute and funny and willing. I can’t really deal with more than that right now.

HE didn’t play games like this. He may have had trouble telling me his feelings at first, but deep down I knew. I just had to make him say it, and once I did, he never had trouble again. I always knew he’d be there, covering my back and watching out for me. Now I’m all alone again, trying to decipher the"guy code" to figure out where I stand. Damn, I get so mad at him for leaving me in this mess.

I did it again. Whenever I open this book to write, I promise myself that it will not be about him anymore. This is supposed to be about me and my life. My new life without him. But he’s been my life for so long, the other half of my soul, I’m not sure I can just rip him out and have anything left of myself. And yet, what choice do I have? What other choice did he leave me?

I hate men.

Big day. I got the jewel back from Spike, and I found out Parker is a creep.

Unfortunately, I had to vent all my frustrations on Spike, and I still didn’t kill him, but at least I got the jewel away from him. Spike is someone I definitely did not want to be invulnerable, though it’s a slightly less scary thought than Drusilla being that way.

As for Parker, I caught him doing his "live for today" line on some other unsuspecting girl. What I thought of as the beginning of a relationship he thought of as a fun way to end a date. That is just so high school!

It’s funny how someone so slimy can think of himself as a perfectly normal guy, while others are so burdened by guilt they can’t see how good they really are. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t convince HIM he’d atoned for his past. He was good and kind and noble, but whenever he did something he knew was right, he’d hold that one thing up against all the evil he committed over a hundred years ago, and he’d die inside again. Bye, bye, warm fuzzy, hello Brooding Guy. I could never convince him to gather up all the bright and shiny goodnesses he’d created and turn his back on his sins.

If I had just one wish, I wish he could see himself as I always saw him.

I should put a big "X" over this page, or at least the last few paragraphs. Or maybe I should just give up. It’s still about him maybe it always will be. And with him gone, who else do I have to open up to but this diary? I can’t tell anyone else how I really feel - they never understood. They’ve never been there, in the dark with the whole world depending on you. I know how much they’ve helped me over the years, but they did it as my friends. They’ve never felt the responsibility - just me. And him. And they’ve never felt the loneliness - just me. And him. That’s why we fit so perfectly. Just me and him.

I sent the jewel to HIM.

I recovered it from Spike and brought it to Giles for a big pow wow. Everyone was all concerned about the best way to destroy it, but I knew what I wanted to do with it from the moment I realized its powers.

It will protect him, now that I can’t. It will give him back the sunlight, now that I can’t be it for him (he always said I was). He will truly live forever now, without having to fear psychotic ex-girlfriends, or the people trying to get to those girls through him.

I’m still upset about the whole Parker thing, of course. I thought I was taking the first steps towards moving on, but I’m not too crazy about what I stepped in. Part of me still wants him, to justify my actions and to keep moving forward. But once again, I’m not going to get what I want.

Mostly what I want is to bring HIM that ring myself...and never let him out of my sight again. But I can’t. He’s the one who left, and he’s going to have to do the crawling back, when he feels he’s done his penance for all the sins he didn’t commit. If I go after him, he’ll either take me back and be miserable because he feels he’s holding me down, or...I can’t face "or." It involves my heart being ripped out again.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to face him again without feeling all this love and pain mixed together. Maybe he’s right and I can move on, with someone new. It will never be the same, but maybe it will be good enough.

Yeah, and maybe someday Xander will tell An...HIM what a great guy he is, and mean it.

Not.

Time for a simple plea for feedback.

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