Years Later Series:
Win or Lose
by KNS

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game. ~ Anon.

Angel opened his eyes, instantly awake yet not sure what had awakened him. Then he understood.

Beside him Buffy thrashed about weakly, tangled in the sheets. She held her wrists stiffly together as if they were bound by some invisible cord. In a broken voice she murmured unintelligible pleas.

Though they shared little else they shared a bed, for this very reason and others. The Slayer dreamed often, locked into reoccurring memories of the past from which she could seldom break free. She was dangerous when like this, mostly to herself Giles had told him that for a long time she had had to sleep in windowless rooms because she went through the glass while dreaming. Only once had she ever struck out at him while asleep, and when she had learned of her actions, she refused to lay down beside him again for a week.

Those days had been harder on him than any blow she could ever inflict.

Now he pulled her close, caught a hold on her wrists and gently shook her, repeating her name. She whimpered, whispered words that begged for mercy. God, what had she suffered that condemned her to relive the event over and over every time she closed her eyes? She never told him, and the few times he dared to ask she met his questions with tight-lipped silence and averted eyes.

"Buffy, wake up," he said, shaking her, and abruptly she opened her eyes. Immediately he released her. "You were dreaming."

"I'm sorry," she said, pulling away from him. Thrusting back the sheets, she got to her feet and softly padded across the carpet to the bathroom. She shut the door, and he heard the faucet switch on.

He sighed. He had told her a thousand times that she need not apologize, she was no bother to him. She never listened, or else she did not remember. Either way, she always apologized, and it always broke his heart to listen and see her suffer and then hear her apologize for it, as if it were her own fault.

He glanced at the clock, saw that it was late afternoon. She had abandoned the daylight and adapted his schedule, a gesture he found oddly comforting. The drapes were pulled completely shut and covered with additional black fabric the room was as dark as night. No light shown from under the bathroom door. He wondered what she was doing in the darkness with the faucet on.

Quietly he stood up and followed her. "Buffy?" he called softly through the door.

No answer.

He tested the door, found it to be unlocked and went in. He didn't see her at first, not because it was dark but because she sat huddled in a far corner, knees pulled up to her chest, head in her hands, weeping.

He switched off the faucet and knelt down beside her. She cried heavily, her body shaking with sobs, her eyes gushing tears, all without a sound. Although she had learned to weep silently, she had turned on the faucet just in case.

He wrapped his arms around her, held her tightly against him. She flung her arms around him and clung to him, eventually calming. "What is it?" he asked her gently.

"Nothing," she said roughly. "Just a dream."

"Okay," he soothed. "Okay."

"I love you," she murmured in his ear, and he quickly answered her.

And then, after a moment she whispered, "I made a deal with Wesley."

Giles winced when he heard their voices coming through the walls into the hallway. The rooms were designed to contain the loudest of sounds for their voices to carry outside the room meant they were shouting at incredible levels.

He steeled himself and knocked on the door.

The shouting silenced, and the door was abruptly flung open. Buffy stood just inside it and glared fiercely, then realized who it was that was looking back at her.

"You called Giles?" she shouted angrily, moving back into the room. "Dammit, I told you *not* to tell anyone -"

"Well what the hell did you expect me to do, Buffy?" Angel snarled. "You can't just tell me something like this and then say, ‘Oh by the way, don't tell anyone else, I want my death to be a surprise!'"

"You're right!" she returned. "I shouldn't have told you a damn thing!"

Giles quickly entered the room and shut the door behind him. The room was dark, for the sun had a few minutes left to set only a single lamp lighted the suite, filling the room with odd shadows. The Slayer and the vampire paced around like caged animals, both angry, both emotional, both only a short step away from violence. They continued to shout at each other.

He sat down on a chair and looked at Buffy. "Would you really not have told me that you were going to face another Master?" he asked her curiously.

His calmness collapsed her anger. "Oh, Giles, I, I don't know," she said, rubbing her forehead as if it ached. "Maybe I wouldn't have. There wouldn't have been any point, would there? I mean. . ." She trailed off and sighed. "I just didn't want you to worry."

He could have chided her in a million different ways, but he didn't. He could see the fear in her eyes, and the determination, and her desire to spare him from grief. She was undefeated and in excellent health - but she was forty years old, and should by all odds have died at twenty, and surely would not be lucky enough to destroy a second Master. Few Slayers ever managed to kill even one. She was under a death sentence - she knew it, Angel knew it, and he knew it. He had no heart to berate her.

"When do you face him?" he asked simply.

She cast a glance at Angel, then looked away. "Tomorrow night."

"Tomorrow night!" Angel shouted. "You told me it'd be a week!"

She smiled, a wry twisting of the lips that was more a gesture of sadness then amusement. "I wasn't planning on telling you at all. None of you. Oh, I would have said goodbye in my own way, but wouldn't it have been easier on you if I went quietly? No tears, no heartbreak, no arguments."

She looked at Angel as she said the last, and there was a sorrow in her voice that made his anger turn to despair. Giles read that easily on his face, saw it in the way his fists unclenched and reached out to her beseechingly. "Where's the other Slayer?" he asked, searching for another option, any option.

Buffy shook her head. "Angel -"

Giles knew why she was shaking her head. "She's in Argentina, Angel. She's barely fifteen."

"I don't give a damn about her," Angel growled quietly. "Buffy's who I care about. Buffy's who I want alive. And I won't accept any reason that you or anyone else could ever think of why it has to be Buffy who has to face the Master. Why it has to be Buffy who's going to die." He turned on his heel and stormed from the suite, only minutes after the sun had set.

"I'm not going to die!" Buffy shouted after him angrily. "I'm not going to die!" And then she buried her face in her hands and muttered, "I'm going to die."

"Why are you doing this, Buffy?" Giles asked softly.

She jumped, startled she had forgotten he was there. Weakly she smiled. "Do you really have to ask, Mr. ‘You Are The Chosen One'?"

He tried to smile back, knew he failed miserably. "The truth, Buffy."

She sighed, began to move slowly around the room. "Will called me, invited Angel and I to dinner. Guess I'll be going alone now." She paused, picked up a framed picture of her and Angel standing together and laughing at something unseen. She smiled at it, ran her thumb lovingly over the glass. "I know she's found out. Wesley probably told her." She gazed at the picture for a moment, then quietly continued. "There are a lot of reasons I have to do it. No matter what I tell Wesley, I know it's my duty. A part of me says, ‘It's someone else's duty too,' but she's just a kid. How could I do to her what was done to me? I can't. Wish I could, but I can't." She sighed again, and gently set the picture down.

She looked at him, and he knew whatever she said next would be her true reason. "I'm doing it for Angel," she admitted quietly.

"F-for Angel?" he asked, confused. Whatever did she mean?

"I want to be with him forever," she answered simply. She went to the window, pulled down the black cloth and drew back the shades. Only darkness greeted her no moon was out to shed its eerie light into the world. "I want him to grow old beside me. And I want Willow and Xander's kids to grow up to be doctors and lawyers and whatever else they want to be. I want you and Marianna to always be safe and happy." She turned to look at him. "So you see, I'm really doing this for myself."

Slowly Giles stood up and walked over to her. He looked down at her for a moment, seeing her as everything she was and ever had been: willful, courageous, powerful, haunted someone who laughed, cried, fought, loved, hated, healed. His daughter in all but blood.

He pulled her close, held her tightly. "You're a very foolish girl," he told her, his voice full of love.

He would not let her die. He would not., and that was all there was to it.

Dinner was as it always was at the Rosenburg-Harris home - noisy, full of laughter and joking and good cheer. The roast beef was sweet and tender the corn was firm but juicy. Dessert was a chocolate cheesecake with chocolate ice cream, one of Buffy's favorite treats.

That was how Buffy realized that Willow and Xander knew about her and the Master. Willow brought out the cake while Xander carried the ice cream, and as they set the things down on the table Willow looked at her and said quietly, "I made it especially for you , Buffy, with extra chocolate and everything," and Xander added in a rather rough voice, "We know it's your favorite."

They had immediately turned the subject to a lighter tone, for the three children were present, and they knew nothing of their aunt's situation.

But eventually dinner ended, and Willow took the children up to bed. Before they went, Buffy sat down on the couch in the living room and the children came to her. They were full of laughter and jokes at first, but they became somber when their aunt did not laugh with them, but rather stared at them with suspiciously bright eyes.

"I love you, guys," Buffy told them, smiling weakly. "When you're all grown up, try to remember that. I love you." She opened her arms and the three confused children hugged her, not understanding why their fun-loving aunt was so serious and sad.

"We love you too, Aunt Buffy," little Buff said sincerely. She was echoed by her two brothers, and Buffy choked back a sob, because she had so wanted to see these children grow up. . .

She smiled brilliantly and waved as they ran up the staircase. She didn't want their last memory of her to be one of tears and sadness.

When they were gone, Xander sat down in a chair across from her, a haggard look on his face.

"Jeez, Xan, who died?" she laughed, then winced at her choice of words.

In answer, Xander pulled out his leather checkbook and fancy pen. "I know why you're doing this, Buffy," he said quietly. "Willow told me. Wesley's paying you to do this. We don't have the six million he's putting up, but we have enough -"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Buffy asked, confused and angry.

Xander swallowed hard. "Please, Buffy, take it. We insist. Nothing matters to us but your life. Money is the least of -"

"I'm not doing this for money!" Buffy shouted, jumping to her feet.

"I told you so, Xander," Willow said, coming down the steps. "Buffy wouldn't do this for money, would you, Buffy? You're doing this for the same reason you patrol every night, no matter where you are or how you feel. This is about duty."

Willow looked at her with trusting, concerned eyes. Buffy felt like she was lying when she mutely nodded.

Xander sighed deeply. "I don't know which is worse," he said finally. "It would have disappointed me if you *had* taken money to kill the Master, but at least I could have bought you off. Now I know you're doing it for duty, and my opinion of you is still intact - but I'll never be able to talk you out of duty. I never win that fight." He tried to laugh, but it came out more as a sob.

"Go and say goodnight to the kids, Xan," Willow suggested softly.

Xander nodded and rushed for the stairs.

"He doesn't want you to see him cry," Willow told Buffy. "It's a guy thing."

Buffy nodded and laughed. It sounded more like a hiccup. "I know."

Willow walked over to her, caught both of Buffy's hands in her own. Looking her best friend in the eyes, she said, "Now tell me the real reason you're doing this."

Buffy returned her gaze reluctantly. She could fool Giles and Xander and maybe even herself, but she couldn't fool Willow. Taking a deep breath, she told her the truth.

She walked down the crowded streets alone. She scanned the faces of people passing by none of them was him. It was late, late night she wondered what would be happening tomorrow night at this time. Would she even be -

Quickly she shook her head, driving away that thought. Of course she would be alive. Of course she would be. And Angel would be human. They'd watch the sunrise together. They'd book a flight to Ireland - or maybe they'd travel over that new highway that connected the two counties. That would be fun they could stop and see all the tourist attractions. After all, they'd have time. . .

She felt tears welling up in her eyes. She blinked them back furiously. Why was she crying? Soon everything would be perfect. Soon, as soon as she killed the Master, if she killed the Master, if she could survive. . . Ah, now she knew why she was crying.

"Hey beautiful," a voice said softly behind her.

She turned and there was Angel, standing patiently a few steps away. God, he was handsome, the finest looking man she had ever seen. She loved him, oh how she loved him. She threw herself into his arms.

"I wasn't gone that long," he joked, holding her close. After a moment he whispered, "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I'm just afraid. . ."

She pulled back so that she could look into his eyes. "Will you always love me?" she asked simply.

He met her gaze without flinching. "Forever. Which is a very long time when you're immortal."

She released him, took a step back. "Will you love me even when I die?"

He drew a breath as if to protest, then shook his head. "No," he said softly. "When you die, I will, too. What will love be then?" He reached into a pocket and drew out a tiny velvet box. "Here."

Still dazed from his words, she took the box and opened it. Inside nestled a ring. It was a Claddagh, like the one she wore, but this one was different. The band, including the small hands, were silver, while the crown was made of gold the little heart glittered and shone like glass in the light from the streetlamps.

"You know what they say about diamonds," he said, his voice low. "It works for true love as well."

She looked up at him, her heart in her eyes.

"You wear it with the heart pointing towards you. It means you belong to someone." He lifted his left hand where a ring identical to the one she held rested on his finger, the heart facing inwards. "Like this."

She looked down at the ring on her finger, the old, plain silver one she'd kept since her seventeenth birthday. Slowly she slipped it off and put the new one on. "Thank you," she said softly, thankful for more than just the ring.

He took her hand, gently brought it to his lips and kissed the ring.

"Will you come with me?" she asked brokenly.

He smiled. "You didn't even have to ask."

Night gave way to day the sun rose and passed through the sky, and eventually it set, bringing forth night once more.

The moment darkness came Buffy and Angel stepped out of their suite and walked down the hallway, down the steps, and out of the hotel.

At the entrance of the hotel waited Giles, Willow, and Xander. They looked grim and determined, but somehow peaceful, as if they knew exactly what the outcome of the night would be.

"What are you doing here, guys?" Buffy asked. She had made her peace and said goodby to each of them earlier in the afternoon. She glanced at Angel, who only shrugged.

"Haven't you heard?" Xander asked lightly. "We're coming with you."

"No way," Buffy forbid. "You two have kids, kids that need *both* of their parents. Giles, what about Marianna? I can't believe she agreed to this."

"Marianna is with the children," Giles said, removing his glasses and drawing a handkerchief from his pocket. He began to clean the lenses. "She would be here now, otherwise."

"The kids will need someone to protect them if we fail," Xander explained. He drew a breath, looked steadily at Buffy. "And - Buff will need someone to train her, if you die."

Buffy looked confused.

"She'll be the next Slayer," Willow said simply.

"No, " Buffy protested, shaking her head. "Oh God, no. Not her. She's too young. . ."

"You knew, then?" Xander asked.

Buffy shrugged. "I - no, but, it makes sense - sort of -" Angel laid a hand on her shoulder. She turned to him for a moment, gathering strength from him. Then she said firmly, "Well, this just means that I have to kill the Master and make her life easier."

"And live to train her," Angel added.

"Here here!" Xander cheered, then sobered. "So you're not going to try to knock us all out or something?"

"Not tonight,' Buffy answered. "You guys have as big a stake in this as I do."

"Actually, our stakes are just a little bigger than yours." Xander held up a wooden stake to demonstrate. "See, two inches longer than minimum requirements."

"And look," Willow said cheerfully, holding up a bag of marshmallows, "I brought the after-slaying treats!"

Everyone gave her a look.

"Well excuse me for having a positive attitude," she said defensively.

"I-I don't know what Wesley told you, Buffy," Giles said as they traveled, "but from what little I could gather, this Master is no ordinary vampire. He is a vampire-demon hybrid, neither one nor the other fully. He can still be killed in the same manner as a normal vampire, but h-he has extra abilities."

"He's know as the Deceiver," Willow said, picking up where Giles left off. "He uses a person's worst nightmares in order to seduce and destroy them. But there's a catch - he can only bind you with illusions if he knows your name."

"Great," Buffy said, excited. "All we have to do is use fake names -"

"He knows who *you* are," Giles told her.

Her face fell. "Damn."

"But he doesn't know we'll be with you," Angel said comfortingly. "And he won't know our names."

"He knows yours," Giles said again. "Or, he knows the name of your demon, I should say. He is the Master, after all."

"But you, me, and Will are all in the clear, right?" Xander asked Giles. Giles nodded. "Cool. We'll need code names, then. Wow, I almost forgot how fun this can be."

"Apparently you've also forgotten how quickly it can get you killed," Giles returned, unamused.

"Have no fear, everyone," Willow said. She held up a cloth bag that jingled when she shook it. "I have a plan."

"Marshmallows?" Buffy asked.

The red haired woman shook her head.

"Better."

"Chocolate?" Buffy tried again.

Willow gave her an exasperated look. "No, silly. I have a spell. All we have to do is get the Master to reveal his true name and he won't be able to deceive us anymore."

"Great," Angel said. "I'll make sure to ask him during introductions."

"Hey guys," Xander said suddenly, "where are we going?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "You're not gonna believe me when I tell you -"

"Stonehenge," Giles supplied, saving Buffy the trouble. Since he was the only one among them that had been there recently, he was driving while Xander sat beside him and Willow, Buffy, and Angel sat in the back. "According to ancient texts, it was built by the Druids as a way to trap the Master of that time in Hell."

"And it's not holding this Master because. . ." Buffy asked.

Willow looked at her. "Wesley really didn't tell you much, did he?"

"It's lost it's binding powers because it's being relocated," Giles explained. "They're going to put in a new resort community there."

"A resort community on a potential portal to Hell," Buffy mused. "Gee, that's even better then Sunnydale being built on the Hellmouth. At least nobody ever ranked Sunnydale as one of the top ten places to visit."

"Why did you ask?" Angel questioned Xander, sensing something.

"No particular reason," Xander said easily. "It just looks like we're fixing to drive into the ocean."

Giles pulled up to the edge of the "ocean", going so far as to drive the front wheels into the surf. The vehicle lights shone across the waves for a short space, illuminating the incoming tide. Giles grabbed his duffel bag of weapons and opened the trunk, then quickly climbed out of the vehicle. The others followed him.

He starred out at the ocean. "This is impossible," he said softly. "We're in the middle of England. This is absolutely impossible."

Buffy stood beside him, her eyes narrowed in concentration. Angel stood at her shoulder, an expression on his face that said he was struggling with something he knew he should know. Xander was pulling the extra weapons out of the trunk.

Willow went forward and knelt down beside the waves washing up the sand. Hesitantly she touched the water, then withdrew her hand. It was dry.

She scrambled to her feet and stumbled backwards. "It's an illusion!"

In an instant the ocean was gone in its place stood the massive, towering stones of Stonehenge, rising up like giant markers in a graveyard. Huge pieces of machinery stood abandoned around the site, and floodlights illuminated the area with strange shadows. Three sets of stones were clearly missing from the ancient ring.

"You've always been afraid that you wouldn't get where you needed to be in time," Angel told Buffy softly.

"Of course," Giles agreed. "He's playing off her fears."

"Um, guys," Xander said nervously, "I don't know about her fears, but I do know that that group over there sure scares the hell out of me."

The others looked to where he was pointing. Near the center of the broken ring stood a group of thirty or forty vampires, all of whom were armed with clubs and knives. They began to advance menacingly on the Slayerettes.

"I love you guys," Buffy said, her voice oddly calm. She stepped forward to meet them, a crossbow in her right hand and a stake in her left.

"Buffy, no!" Willow screamed. "It's an illusion! If you refuse to believe in it, it isn't real!"

"WELCOME, SLAYER," a deep, amused voice said over the witch's words. Whether Buffy heard her or not is uncertain, for then the group of vampires attacked, and there was no more time for words.

Part Two

Feedback to strickland@frontier.net

Go here for more of KNS's stories.

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page