Confessions
Tracy pulled up in front of the loft, the sun still above the summer horizon. She parked
her car and headed to the loft, entering the security code she had gotten from Nick. She
walked into the garage and over to the lift, noting the Caddy sitting silently in its bay. She
smiled and determined to ask if he had bought the car new or used. She walked into the
lift and hit the button for the second floor. As the lift rumbled to life, she thought about
the questions she wanted to ask Nick. So many things made more sense now.
She had thought about his confession and her brief conversation with him and Natalie in
the Morgue the previous evening. She needed to know more about the local community
and why it was so much more of a threat to her than the Enforcers.
As the lift stopped and the door opened, she stepped into the dimly lit loft. The large
windows were tightly shut, closing out the light of the dying day. She slowly stepped into
the living room, hesitant to call out to Nick. Finally, she did, softly.
"Nick? Are you here? It's Tracy."
"Hi Tracy, I'm here. What time is it?" Nick was standing at the top of the stairs in his
pajamas, his blond hair tousled.
She grinned at the sight of her usually perfectly dressed and groomed partner looking like
a little kid.
"Hi Nick. It's about 4:30. Sorry if I woke you up. But I'm taking you up on your
offer...we need to talk."
He shook his head and sighed. "OK, let me wake up a bit and I'll be right down. If you
want something to drink, I think there's some coffee in the freezer. Nat keeps it over here
for when she stays late." He turned around and went back into the bedroom, closing the
door behind him.
Tracy went into the kitchen and began hunting around, finally finding a small coffee
maker. She looked in the freezer, and sure enough, there was some coffee. She opened it
and took a tentative sniff, expecting it to be stale, but it smelled OK. She smiled and
began to make a carafe for herself, just as she heard the shower start.
Fifteen minutes later, Nick came back downstairs, his hair wet and slicked back, dressed
in jeans and a green silk shirt.
He lifted an eyebrow. "I see you found the coffee. If you need any cream or sugar, it's in
the cabinet beside the dishwasher."
Tracy shook her head. "No, black is fine."
He leaned against the counter, studying his parnter. She returned his gaze, taking her
time. She had decided that Nick needed a bit of a lesson in "turn about is fair play" and
was not going to hurry this conversation at all.
Although initially a small smile crossed his lips, he soon started to fidget. He realized that
this was conversation might *possibly* become a bit more than just...uncomfortable for
him. He cleared his throat and glanced at Tracy, who was looking at him coolly.
Finally, she walked over to the living area and sat down in one of the black leather chairs
facing the sofa. Nick reluctantly followed her and sat down on the sofa.
"So Nick, we have a lot to talk about. Let's start with the local Community and why you
think they are even more of a danger to me than the Enforcers. If I understand correctly,
the Enforcers are sort of like a cross between the Mafia and the RCMP. Makes you sort
of wonder how any of the civilian vampires could be worse than them." She sat looking
at him, a mask of indifference in place, sipping her coffee.
Nick sighed. When Tracy got in this sort of mood it was difficult to make her see reason
of any sort. Where to start...
"Before I start on this, I want you to know that I am going to tell you things I have told
very few mortals over the centuries. Natalie knows some of this, but not even she knows
all of what I'm about to tell you. One of the first things you should know about is my
Master, LaCroix. You've met him, and anything your instincts have told you about him
being 'creepy' don't even begin to scratch the surface. LaCroix is 2000 years old; he used
to be a General in the Roman Imperial Army. That's Rome as in Caesar, aqueducts, roads,
builders of Western civilization." He had seen her eyes go wide when he mentioned
Rome, so he hit the point home. "He is used to being obeyed, without question. I would
also characterize him as a more than a bit of a control freak." He chuckled, for he had
never applied those very descriptive, and apt, words to his sire. "He is what is considered
an Ancient, which is any vampire more than a millenium old. Because of his age, he is
the de facto leader of the local Community. Our society is based in large part on age,
since generally the older a vampire is, the stronger he or she is in strength." He paused to
let her absorb some of the information.
"In 1228, LaCroix was in Paris with his fledgling Janette. I was also in the city at that
time, returning from the Crusades in the Holy Land. You see, I was a knight of the
Church." He smiled at the look of incredulity on her face. "Yes, the Catholic Church.
Anyway, Janette saw me in a tavern and took a fancy to me. I was very disillusioned with
the Church, for I had been sent to the Crusades as punishment for loving the wrong
woman, after I had been framed for her murder. When Janette saw me and decided to
seduce me, I was heartily disgusted with the Church and 'civilization'. I had also spent six
years in the midst of one of the bloodiest, cruelest, most brutal areas of the world." He
stopped to reflect that some things in the Middle East had changed very little over the
intervening centuries.
"Tracy, in order to survive in the Holy Land, I was forced to commit atrocities which I
had never dreamed of. The terms rape, pillage, and burn took on new meaning for me
during those years. When I returned to Europe I was a hardened and despicable person. I
was ripe for the lure of immortality and the promise of retribution on those who had
stolen my youth, dreams, faith and any innocence I might once have possessed. I had
already started down the path of evil and self-destruction imposed on me by
circumstances. When Janette found me in that tavern in Paris, I was exactly what a
vampire would want most in a new fledgling. She inflamed my lust, and led me to a rich
city house and then she wove a spell over me. I fell asleep, and while I was, LaCroix
came in and brought me across. I had no idea what was going on. When I awoke, I was a
vampire. I was gripped by First Hunger, which is incredibly savage. You can barely
control yourself. LaCroix and Janette had brought a young woman to be my first kill, and
with their combined wills upon me, I made my first kill. The first of thousands." His face
and voice took on a note of infinite sadness as he once again relived that fateful moment.
Blinking so that he didn't start to weep bloodtears, he continued on. "For several hundred
years, the three of us traveled the world together. We hunted and fed, treating mortals as
no more than cattle. We saw ourselves as superior and treated the 'lower species' as
nothing more than diversions, or a food source. Janette and I were lovers as well as
vampiric siblings. I was deeply in love with her, and never ceased to be enchanted by her
passion. She was, and is, a strong and marvelously complex person. She treated me as an
equal. LaCroix, on the other hand, saw me as a toy or sometimes as a pet. He considered
me his 'creation' and therefore a possession. That point of view has changed very little
over the intervening centuries." He paused to look at her and see how she was handling
the story he was relating to her. She was enthralled with his tale, leaning forward while
he spoke. He continued on.
"LaCroix and I have had many arguments, most of them violent, over the centuries.
Usually they revolve around me trying to get out from under his domination and control.
And believe me when I say 'domination'. Occasionally we will reach an uneasy truce for
a few decades at a time, but something always happens to inflame his temper or mine. In
the last two centuries or so, it has been because of my...change of heart, I guess you
would call it."
He paused, gathering his thoughts. "One of LaCroix's greatest weapons is his mind. He
has an incredibly subtle and well-honed intellect. He can think circles around most
people. Because of this, he has taken to playing mind-games with me instead of just
trying to physically assert his will alone over the centuries. He has found that to be a
much more amusing diversion. And, hurting those I care about or using them as pawns is
something he would not, and has not, hesitated, to do many times in the past."
He stopped in his narrative to look at her. She was still enraptured by what he was telling
her.
"Tracy, do you understand what I'm saying? Do you begin to have some idea why your
knowledge of my nature CANNOT become known, ESPECIALLY within the Toronto
Community? LaCroix is the leader, and sooner or later he learns EVERYTHING that
goes on here. It doesn't matter HOW he finds out. It could cost you more than your life."
Finally Tracy looked at him, her brow wrinkling in concentration.
"OK Nick, I can buy that your Master is dangerous. But answer me this: why hasn't he
gone after Natalie? Surely he knows about her and your...search for a way to become
human again?" The defiance in her tone made him sigh.
He looked at her, and weighed how much to truly tell her. If Nat ever found out about
that night at the Azure...
"Yes, he does know that Natalie is helping me. The reason he hasn't 'gone after her', as
you put it, is because at one point he TRIED to do so and I faked him out, so to speak. I
pretended to him that Natalie was nothing more to me than a tool, someone I was using to
gain my own ends, using her for her scientific and medical knowledge. Luckily his own
twisted ego believed it. I've been trying to keep that masquerade up ever since." He hadn't
looked at her when he said that last bit.
Tracy watched him as he said the words, and saw an incredible pain cross his face, and
heard loss in his voice. Suddenly the pieces fell into place. Finally she understood part of
their relationship, why they always put on the facade of being "just friends", and the
reason Nick always kept Nat at arm's length. She didn't say anything, but so much was
now clear about her partner. Her heart went out to him in sympathy and compassion.
"OK Nick, let's move on for now. I guess my next question is, what made you change?
Why do you want to become a mortal again? And, while we're at it, why are you a cop?"
He looked up at her. "Well, let's start with the easy question first. Why I'm a cop. Several
reasons, really. Since I spent over 600 years as a brutal killer, I understand the murderer's
mindset better than you can possibly imagine. There is also the fact that I need a
profession that will allow me to work nights only and where some of my vampiric
abilities can be an asset. And, as I'm sure Vachon has told you, every few years we have
to leave our life behind so that we maintain our secrets. Trust me, if YOU did the same
thing every night for hundreds of years, you'd get bored. We change our professions
every so often. You'd be amazed at some of the career choices of vampires. And, finally,
I've been trying to expiate some of my sins by helping society out, catching the killers I
can so easily identify with."
The bitterness in his voice wasn't lost on her. She finally began to understand her
complex and haunted partner so much better.
"Now on to the $64,000 question. Why did I change? The truth is, I have no idea. I'm an
aberration. LaCroix tried to condition my guilt out of me for two centuries, only to have it
resurface in the last 200 years. At first I tried to justify my existence by only preying on
brutal criminals, those who were already breaking society's laws and 'deserved' to die.
But eventually, even that became something I couldn't live with. Finally, I quit hunting
and drinking human blood. Now I drink only cow's blood." He laughed brittlely. " I guess
you could say I'm as close to a vegetarian as a vampire can get and still survive." He
looked at her, trying to gauge her reaction to the knowledge that he was a cold-blooded
killer. Her expression was unreadable. "So now for the final piece: why try and regain my
mortality? I guess I feel that my life these last 800-odd years have been a...cheat. That I
was never meant to be vampire. That maybe, just maybe, if I get a chance to live a
normal mortal life, I'll be able to make amends for all the horror I've caused over the
centuries. Can you imagine, Tracy? Being the only one of your kind to feel...differently
about what everyone else takes for granted. To watch those you love and care for grow
old and die around you. To know that the kiss of the summer sun is death, the price you
pay for this eternal hell and damnation? The constant thirst for blood and the daily
struggle against the predator inside of you? And, above all, to never be able to love
anyone worthy of being loved, knowing that if you try she will most likely end up dead? I
don't have to imagine it. I live it every day. I'm too much of a coward to even end my
own life. Or maybe the roots of my mortal faith are too strong, and the belief that suicide
is not only wrong but morally reprehensible and an act that can NEVER be forgiven. I
don't know. Perhaps finding my way back to mortality is the one thing that I believe will
convince me that I HAVE been redeemed." He sighed. "But whatever, it doesn't matter.
Nat's been trying for six years, and although some things have seemed to help more than
others, the truth of the matter is that I'm still a vampire, and probably will remain so for
quite some time in the forseeable future." His voice dripped with despair and fatalism.
Finally, he looked back at her. "So now that you know more about me, I understand if
you want a new parnter. I wouldn't be comfortable knowing what an evil being I was with
every night."
She scowled. "Nick, that is one of the STUPIDEST things you have EVER said to me.
Why would we go through all of this if I was just going to get RID of you? Get a clue,
Fangboy. You are STUCK with me. NO MORE SECRETS. And for your information, I
will promise you that I won't let anyone, including Vachon, know that I know about
your...nature. My life is screwed up enough with ONE overbearing father, let alone
inheriting YOURS. By the way, I expect you to buy me dinner. Can I order a pizza?"
Nick looked at her, shock on his face combined with a smile of sheer wonder.
"Tracy, you can order as many pizzas as you want, and I'll be happy to pay for them for
the rest of your natural born life. You have no idea how much your friendship and
partnership means to me." He got up and walked over, and pulled her to her feet, startling
her by pulling her into a tight hug. "Tracy, thank you. I swear to you, I won't let you
down."
"You're welcome. Now, about that pizza?..."
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