Usual disclaimers involving no money and a complete lack of suing
You Sick, Sick Monkeys!!!:
A letter from Tracy Vetter
By: Cousin Mary
Dear fanfic writers,
Hello, Tracy Vetter here. And all I can say is… What the
heck is wrong with you?! I was just minding my own business when I
happened across these pages of, of, well sickness. You sick, sick
monkeys!!!
Now there seem to be plenty of well thought out, well written
stories involving my life, but what I'm upset, no, furious about is some
writers need to pair me up with everything in pants! Hello, I may have
shown a –small- interest in Vachon when I first met him but can someone
for the love of God explain to me your people's need to put me with
anything male (and a few that aren't even that?) ?!?!
Let's get this sick rollercoaster started with the one that
scares me the most. You freaks of the CERK Perk. Me and Lucien
Lacroix?!? What- why- How?!? I mean, come on, he's –evil-. Not just
kind of evil, not just 'I take more than one free sample at the store'
kinda evil, not even I'm Vachon I pay no taxes and follow anything blonde
kind of evil, no, evil as in I like to kill things and then kill more
things later. Why on Earth would any of you freaks think a homicide
detective and a serial killer would be a good match?! Huh?
And then there's Nick. Nick Knight, a man who uses even more
flowery-fruity scented, expensive hair products than my mother, my mother
the –queen- of mousse. And I don't think he's ever had that Caddy's
emissions tested, I mean, I know he's going to live forever and all, so
you'd think he'd –care- about the environment just a little, huh?
And Screed. I can't even begin to fathom why anyone in their
right mind, or even someone not so much with the sanity, would even
–think- to set me up with a what, 400 year old sailor who drinks rat's
blood and who's idea of personal hygiene is to hose down at the all night
car wash once a week!
Even Vachon, who, so what, I looked at him, he's cute. But
he's also a vampire. He drinks blood. He likes anything blonde. Any
blonde, as in I caught him looking at my blonde mother. I'm sorry, a guy
looks at your mother and it's over. I still can't get the image out of
my head. Vachon checked out my Mom. Eww.
Then things start to get even weirder. Some of you sick
monkeys have put me with Miklos, who I've never met. A vampire
bartender… Really, what are you thinking?! Is it the leather pants? I
mean, I get the attraction, but again, VAMPIRE. And not just a vampire,
but a vampire no one knows anything about. Does he hunt? Does he kill?
Is he even straight?! Come on people, you can't just throw a girl out on
a blind date without considering the fact that he might have a life-sized
cardboard cut out of Antonio Banderas in his kitchen… and I hear he does!
Then there's Natalie Lambert. When has Nat –ever- looked at
anyone who wasn't able to write his name in the snow? Really, from what
I hear that's one of her favorite jokes, "Sure he can write his name in
the snow, but it's penmanship that counts." I don't even know what that
means!!! But I'm pretty sure it means she likes the boys! Sure, she's
human and that's a point in her favor, really. But she's a woman who
doesn't particularly like me, who cuts up dead people and who lusts after
Nick Knight like he's the last candy bar in the vending machine, all of
that doesn't add up to a night of girl on girl action does it?
Finally there's an assortment of enforcers, drifters, rookie
cops and pretty much any coffee drinker that I'm paired up with on any
given occasion. And yes, I realize everyone likes a good romance story…
but please, for the love of God put warnings on these fics so I don't
accidentally start reading and discover myself in a torrid love triangle
with Lacroix and Nick, while pregnant with Miklos's illegitimate child
and carrying on a torrid affair with Nat and Screed… at least not until
I've had my morning coffee!
Thank you,
Det. Tracy Vetter
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